L.Carrie Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 I need some legal counsel. A bit unsure here. My husband left my 3 year old and I 8 weeks ago. We are seperated. You can read more about it all on my previous post "does seperation mean it's over, lonliness takes over". My husband went to see a lawyer after we had a very large argument following his leaving. He said he was so angry with me that he wanted to see what his rights were. We talk off and on and sometimes he comes over to see our son and is the sweetest man in the world to me and other times he puts up this wall. Last night I drove past his sister's house -who hates me mind you. His car wasn't there. It was on my way home later that evening and still he wasn't there. I decided to play detective, my sister was with me and my son was at home with my family. We drove to his gym, his job, his ex g-friends', to no avail. All these places are within a 5 mile radius. I got worried and even more upset when it was 5 am and my husband wasn't where he said he would be. This morning when he came to pick up our son he told me that he was still at his sister's house. I asked him if he was having an affair and he insisted that he wasn't, I told him I might have proof that he was and he told me to tell him what it was and he'd tell me it was crap. I laughed a bit and dropped the subject. He did tell me though that if he was having an affair he wouldn't tell me. Who knows.....I try to stay hopeful. Anyways, while he was here I asked him how the meeting with the lawyer went and he didn't seem like he wanted to tell me at first but then he told me that his lawyer told him that since I will NOT sign the seperaion agreement he sent me weeks ago then the only other choice is to file for divorce. My husband says that he only filed the agreement b/c he can't afford the bills with me out of work. He wants one of us to have the house, not to lose it. His lawyer said that if I wasn't so greedy then I would sign the papers, becasue if we do work out later on-GOD willing we will, then it would only take one signature to cancel out the agreement, if not and he files for divorce then it's pretty much....over I guess. We'd have to get remarried. I won't sign papers that allow my husband in 1 year to automatically file a divorce with no grounds, b/c in NYS if seperated for 1 year you are automaically granted a divorce. My husband says that he doesn't want a divorce that gives me hope that he thinks maybe we'll work out, but I will NOT sign those papers. Any advice? Is it true that that is the only option, I sign the agreement or file divorce????Help!!!
Ladyjane14 Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Sorry to hear that things haven't improved for you Carrie. Did you see your own lawyer yet? If memory serves, you were planning on doing that. And what do your folks have to say about all this? Do they have any recommendations for you? Sometimes when everything around us seems to be going to 'heck in a handbasket', it becomes somewhat beneficial to give a little extra credence to advice given by our loved ones. The people who love us best and know us best, can sometimes see the situation a little more clearly than we can ourselves. They aren't dealing with the emotional cloudiness that we are dealing with when we're in a state of confusion and upheaval.
Author L.Carrie Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 I did see a lawyer. I can't afford to go back...unfortunately. He told me that I didn't have to sign anything that I didn't consent to. I am not signing something that encourages our seperation. I can't do it. I love my husband. Now his lawyer is telling him that it's either I not be difficult and sign those papers or he will have to file for divorce. He says that he doesn't want to do that! I have hope that he'll come home but am now lost...and am in desperate need of help. I have called the probono lawyers service here in the area and they won't help me until he takes me to court. There's noone here to help me. My mother and sister tell me that I shouldn't jump to conclusions, that maybe there is a reason for him not being where he said he was. My father doesn't trust him right now. They all agree that he's a good man, but is confused or as my father says "up to something."
SoleMate Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Hi L.Carrie Sorry about your situation. Please don't take any more legal advice from HIS lawyer because he has already fed you a load of cr*p. Even if one of you files for divorce, the process can be stopped by your joint consent at ANY time before the final decree is issued. (Duh...isn't that obvious...you think the state is going to force you to complete a pending divorce if you have both decided against it?) Also, he called you greedy for trying to save your marriage, so I hope that makes it clear that you're better off getting legal advice from a bum on the street corner than from your husband's lawyer. You need to know your rights. If you cannot afford a lawyer, your husband can be legally forced to pay for one for you. Please check out Nolo Press on line - they have lots of legal self-help info. As far as an affair goes...yes, it is likely your H is having one and that he spends nights at his gf's house. That's easy to figure out. As to whether this means your marriage is doomed, it doesn't have to be. Please check out <URL removed>
Ladyjane14 Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 I agree with Sole. Don't sign anything. However, I think you need to consider filing your own separation papers. You might consider solidifying your custody arrangement. Get child support, spousal support, and medical insurance. Flaking out can get expensive! For him!!! And I think he's either flaking out on you -or- cheating. And if I absolutely had to hazard a guess, just based on all you've written. I'd say he's seeing someone. Research divorce law for your state. Try: http://www.divorcenet.com, and http://www.divorcestopper.com/. I'm so sorry for your situation, hon. Post often. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. You might also consider journaling. Great ways to get those negative thoughts that are swirling around your brain out of your head.
Author L.Carrie Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 My sister and I will be going back out tonight to see if he's actually staying at his sister's house or not. I am figuring that I do this 2 more times, then when I have the proof, I'll confront him. I deserve to know the truth. Yet, should I confront him or stay quiet and see what plays out? Should I "be still" and then later I can say "C, I know you are having an affair, I've known a long time". Maybe he will be embarased to see that he was hiding something that I knew about and that I kept quiet to avoid confronting him, because I love him. I believe that people can change. I know it because my father is a true testimony of that. My father married my mother and cheated on her several times, and my mother always knew. She never said anything though and that killed my father because he knew that she loved him. Today my parents have been married for over 26 years they are the happiest people I know and I have never met anyone who loved eachother so much. The question is will my husband change?? So here are my questions: 1)Should I confront him if he's sleeping at someone else's? 2)Do people change?
Author L.Carrie Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Solemate, " If you cannot afford a lawyer, your husband can be legally forced to pay for one for you. Please check out Nolo Press on line - they have lots of legal self-help info" I tried looking them up and couldn't find it. Can my husband really pay all my lawyer fees? Please detail all that, I really would like to know what I can do. Thanks Lesly
SoleMate Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Nolo Press http://www.nolo.com New York divorce law http://www.fact-index.com/n/ne/new_york_divorce_law.html Info on self-help divorce http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/cheap/20040706a1.asp If you speak to a lawyer, and tell him/her that you cannot pay, he/she will help you file for an immediate court order for payment of legal fees by your husband. Keep your questions coming. Also, please advise: * Your county of residence * Length of marriage * Children and ages
Author L.Carrie Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Well, tonight my sister and I played detective. Wewent to his sister's house, the gym, his ex g-friend's house, his cousin's shop, his job and all to no avail he wasn't in any of those places. We took pictures of his sister's house. I figure that if I do this for a week and he doesn't show then I will have proof, hard evidence. Then he can't lie to me. My family tells me to wait because if i call him and tell him now that he may be more careful, and plus I can't make a judgement because all I know right now is that he isn't living at his sister's house it doesn't necessarily mean he's having an affair, although I don't know what else to think......he lied to me this morning when he told he to my face that he was still at his sister's house. A bit confused here. Someone once mentioned that in some states adultery is a crime, I wonder if that holds true for NYS.?! I live in western NY, have been married 4 years and have a 3 year old. Any advice? Suggestions? thanks
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Should I confront him if he's sleeping at someone else's? I think you'll need more proof than just the fact that he's not where he says. He could be working a night job afterall. I seriously doubt it, but it's a possibility. I wouldn't confront him until I knew more. You don't want to convict him before all the facts are in. It concerns me that you seem to feel that cheating is okay for him, as long as he comes home later. Don't you feel like you deserve better treatment than that? If it had been you that left without giving a reason, what do you expect his reaction would have been? Do people change? I think people CAN change. But I think that YOU can't change them. It has to be a choice that a person makes for themselves.
SoleMate Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Adultery is no longer a de factor crime anywhere in the US. If there are still a few laws out there, they are unenforceable and unenforced. However, adultery is a ground for divorce in New York. If you can prove adultery or other fault, you can divorce him. LEGAL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE: No-Fault: (1) Living separate and apart for 1 year under the terms of a separation agreement which is in writing and signed and notarized [proof of compliance with the terms of the settlement agreement must be submitted when the divorce is filed. In addition, a copy of the agreement or a brief memorandum of the agreement must be filed in the office of the clerk of the county] or (2) living separate and apart for 1 year under the terms of a judicial separation decree. [Consolidated Laws of New York Annotated; Domestic Relations Law, Article 10, Section 170 and Article 13, Section 230]. General: (1) Adultery; (2) abandonment for 1 year; (3) imprisonment for 3 or more consecutive years; and (4) cruel and inhuman treatment. [Consolidated Laws of New York Annotated; Domestic Relations Law, Volume 8, Section 170]. I question the wisdom in investigating him. In your shoes, I would assume that he was cheating, since you have clear and convincing evidence, and then decide from there whether I want to try to win him back, or write the marriage off immediately. If you decide to attempt reconciliation, then the investigation and accusations of adultery will not be helpful. I would take the tone: "Clearly we are in a serious crisis, but I want you to know that I want to save this marriage, because I love you and want you at home with me and <child>. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, and start fresh, with some counselling. I want you to know that I plan to do my best to be a loving wife who meets your needs. I have a strong vision of us as a happy, united family, and I am asking you to come home and give this a try."
Author L.Carrie Posted October 10, 2004 Author Posted October 10, 2004 Thankyou for your reply. I never really understood my husband until now. Now I understand him more and understand where he's coming from. On one end I think that he is confused, lonely and doesn't know exactly what to do. Maybe he filed the seperation agreement to make sure that things were secure, knowing that if anything changed, which it very well could-God willing, then with one signature the agreement would be broken. Maybe like he said he went in to see a lawyer after he heard me mention it one during counseling (10 months ago, we went for only 4 sessions) that I had spoken to a "lawyer" which was actually a friend of a friend at our church. Not even so much a lawyer but more of a paralegal. Maybe he did just go see what his rights were afraid that I would do the same, and he would come out losing. Maybe he does have hope in us. He came over Thursday and at te beginning of the conversation he was saying "I can't come home, just not right now, maybe I do need that space, and time away, maybe I will be home for Christmas, I just don't know." Later on it was "not in the future, I am sorry but I don't think I want to be with you anymore." Then before he pulled out of the driveway it was "maybe we'll be the couple that in 10 years looks back and says 'gee I was crazy for leaving my family' and we'll both laugh and be ok, together" He told me tat night that if he wanted to be divorced he would of filed for divorce instead of the seperation agreement. Maybe he doesn't want to be divorced. Yet on the other hand, unfortunately the more negative theory is that he left because of another woman, she enticed and tempted and he gave in. He knew he couldn't have an affair while living at home and he left wanting that freedom of someone who may be making him "happy" right now. That would explain why all this weekend he hasn't been where he said he was staying, again why lie if you have nothing to hide. He's with another woman and he won't answer any of my calls when I call, or even call me back for that atter. He doesn't know if it's any emergency, if something had happened. He turns the phone off. Maybe he went to see a lawyer because and is pushing the seperation agreement because he knows that if I catch him with another woman that he loses on everything, maybe that's why he did that to actually secure himself. Maybe he's having this taste of the world that he missed, but doesn't realize that it will lead him down a dead end road. He's giving up his family, home, warm food on the table, and comfortable bed to sleep in, and a companion for life for another woman that will have issues of her own, for crying out loud she's sleeping with a married man, how much can he trust her. He may just feel that he happy with her, he's not seeing who he is hurting. He's seeing himself. He says that it will get worse before it gets better. Maybe that's why he says to me that he can't come home b/c things have "changed, they're different now." Now he feels better away, freedom....he didn't have before. Everyone agrees that he's being very immature, that he's insecure. That he has to grow up. That he needs to see the whole picture, his son, his wife, his home. He needs to see that he's hurting everyone, not just himself. What am I supposed to do now, I mean the idea of him having an affair is still skeptical, but like even his own family has said "it just looks bad, if he has nothing to hide....why the lie." If my husband approached me and said "honey, I am so sorry for what I have done, I have had an affair and I was wrong, please forgive me." If he approached me with humility, sincere, telling me that he was truly sorry and really wanting him to make this marriage work, then I would forgive him and we would put that effort into our marriage. "let bygones be bygones", but if I find out on my own that he's having an affair, then it's over. I hate to say it, but with all the pain in my heart and all the struggles I will face, I will have to end it. My husband has turned into the man his mother would of never wanted him to be.....he's turned into his father. He is going to allow the same ideas that ruined his father's families to ruin his too. His father left my husband's mother with 2 kids, one who was 2 and an infant. He cheated on her, then remarried had 2 other kids and left them after having an affair, then he remarried has 2 other kids and God knows where that is headed. I don't want my child to be the forgotten one. I want to win my husband back, but what now?? How do you bring him back from the arms of another woman??!!! What do I have to do???
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