NHStrider Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Hello All Our 25year marriage has come to a crashing end. Practically speaking it ended a yearago, for six months it’s been official. I’m learning to cope but there arestill some things I’m processing. There were some bombshells dropped in thelast months of the relationship but none was bigger than finding out that I wasnot my daughter’s biological father. It wasn’t the first time that I knew thiswas a possibility but it was finally proven last year. Just when reconciliationseemed in reach after a 5-month separation, the truth came out and my exfolded-her-hand moving cross-country leaving the entire family behind. Hereis the piece I struggle to reconcile; she claimed to be surprised about thepaternity. She says that she truly did not know. She even has several friendsand family members convinced that she didn’t know and feeling sorry for her (atleast that their story and they’re sticking to it). Youcan probably tell that I don’t believe that she didn’t know. I could possiblybuy that she didn’t know conclusively but considering the results of twopaternity tests she had to know there was a possibility all along. Other thanexpressing surprise, she said only this to my daughter; “It is what it is andwe’ll have to live with it”. Then she ran 2000 miles away. Here’sthe timeline…. -In198X we were in a committed relationship but not married. We had taken a short“break” 7 months earlier but all seem well. When she told me that she waspregnant, I had no reason to believe the baby wasn’t mine. -Twoyears later, after we were married, I received an anonymous letter allegingthat someone else was the father. I showed the letter to my ex and shevehemently denied the possibility. I was kind of attached to my little girl bythen and wanted to hear my wife’s denial more than anything in the world. Ichose to believe her. This was her first opportunity come clean but she choseto deny it. -Thealleged father made no claim of paternity. Instead, according to my ex, hebegan stalking and threatening her. We sought a protective order and he didn’tappear in court to defend himself. I wrote him off as the crazy person my wifeclaimed him to be. -Fastforward 20+ years. During our separation, my daughter approached me to say thatshe had memories of the alleged father. Unbeknownst to me my ex had continued arelationship of some sort with him and had frequently taken my daughter to hishouse when she was 2 to 4 years old. I’ve since seen the pictures that provethis is true. When my daughter asked my ex about her memories, she told herthat they weren’t real. -Completelyconfused, my daughter decided to confront the alleged father. Ultimately, thetruth came out and the paternity tests were taken. Thetruth seems so obvious to me but many people who I once trusted implicitly havedrunk her Kool-Aid. They seem to honestly believe that she didn’t know. So letme ask an objective audience… Doyou think she knew the complete truth all along? Dothink she at least had to know it was possible but chose to hide it? Doyou think it’s possible for a woman to really be surprised in a situation likethis? Bythe way, in case there is any doubt. My daughter will always be my daughter nopaternity test will ever change that. It’s ironic, and very painful for her,that the both of her biological parents have turned away from her but she willalways have me. Their loss is my gain. Thanks for listening, NH
Appleness Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 It really doesn't matter whether she knew or not. Even if the tests came back saying that your daughter was biologically yours, it wouldn't erase the facts that 1) she slept with this guy (while on your "break, unprotected) and chose to never discuss this with you, 2) she hedged her bet by bringing your daughter to see this guy to presumable get something (some kind of child support maybe?) out of him and 3) does not feel guilty about subjecting your daughter to the trauma of questioning who her father is; in fact, she just gaslights her. Notice how I keep referring to your daughter as "your daughter". I commend you on being a responsible adult and a good dad when you say that finding out the truth doesn't sever any ties. She's the only woman who has a right to express her opinions about the whole situation. Don't worry about other family members weighing in, or what your ex wife has to say. I can only imagine how hard it's been for you to go through this. Stay strong and keep talking out any resentments that rise to the surface. Get counseling if necessary. Good luck.
Steen719 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I cannot imagine that she didn't know, at least that it was possible. Family usually sticks with family, so that is no true indication. She is gone, in any case. Why did she move across country? Sounds like your daughter is lucky to have you.
Author NHStrider Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 It really doesn't matter whether she knew or not. Thanks for the response... I agree, even for me it doesn't really matter. Nothing changes even if I know the complete truth. The reason I ask the question is almost academic. I guess I'm just curious if anybody could really believe her feigned surprise. As I said in the original post, there are some people whose judgement I always trusted who have bought the story. I'm just curious how many people outside the situation would do the same. By the way I was in counseling for a year, it was a very good experience for me. It helped me understand who I am and who I'm not (even if my ex tried to convince me otherwise)
Author NHStrider Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) Why did she move across country? Two reasons I believe - First, she started a long distance relationship with an OM after visiting the area for a conference. We know this to be true now from her parents although she hasn't admitted that she's in a relationship to anyone else not even our daughters. - Second, I think when the paternity house-of-cards collapsed she couldn't deal with the reality of her 26 year lie. She decided to hit the reset button on her life by leaving everything she knew behind. Where she is now she controls the story, no one knows the truth and there's no judgement. She recently made a comment to one of my daughters that it's nice to be able to go to the grocery store without being recognized. I think that says a lot Edited June 8, 2013 by NHStrider
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