Boyfriend suffering from depression, should I break up?

[orchids]

Thank you Mack :')

 

I was sad again today, but you've helped with your patience. I'll be dragging myself through this but I hope I get there. I need to feel okay about every single decision I make and every action I do, so I will take a lot of time to work through this to make sure I don't pull something and regret it the next day.

 

But I know I'll come out of this stronger, whether I fail or not. Thank you for your kindness <3

[Gal0101]

Oh..I've been there done that. My ex was suffered from depression throughout our whole relationship. I loved him more than anything in the world and tried my best to make him happy but I realised that this illness makes you very selfish. No matter how much he means to you, this isn't fair to you and you need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about what's good for you. I know it's a catch 22 because you feel like if you do leave him he'll get even more depressed which to be honest is probably true but he's going to have to learn to deal with his illness and learn to accept it before he can care about anyone else. At this point in time, I guarentee you he still cares deeply for you but he's waging a war inside his own mind that leaves no room to express any feelings for you. You need to realize that he needs to help himself. I really hope you just let go and realize that there are too many potential partners out there for you and you don't have to deal with this. If you keep taking him back and making excuses for his behaviour because of his depression, what hes doing will just continue because he knows you accept it and he can get away with it. Don't make the same mistake I made and stay with someone because you feel like you can help them. You rarely ever can

[tinker683]

tinker, I don't want to drag up unpleasant memories for you but would you care to share how your ex shut down on you? Did you ignore her? How did you feel then?

 

I appreciate your kindness but you're not bringing up something that doesn't drift across my skull once or twice a week

 

What would basically happen is that as she would become more stressed, she would retreat further into herself and/or her friends and I would cease to become a priority. In fact, if anything, being with me or being around me or communicating to me would become an obligation for her, something she felt she had to do rather than it being something she wanted to do.

 

It would start off innocuously: I would start to see and hear from her less, she would begin to lose interest in sex, and eventually it would get to a point to where she was always "busy" or had other things to do and simply couldn't talk to me/spend any kind of time for me.

 

When I would bring this up with her, she would give me one of the following responses

a) "I have to make time for my friends, they're important to me and I can only maintain it if I make time for them" (Which is very true and I had nothing against her friends but at the same time, what about me? What about the relationship with me? Isn't that important too?)

b) "I just don't feel like it right now" (Which is also an acceptable answer, except that sometimes she would somehow feel up to going out with her friends later that evening or would become so common that I started to wonder if she really wanted to be around me at all)

c) "I don't have time to baby your feelings right now/you're being unreasonable/I don't have to spend every waking second with you/you're acting like a petulant child!" (This was the response usually given to me after I displayed any sort of agitation or irritability and, in retrospect, was her way of gaslighting/minimizing my expectations)

d) "I just don't have time/I'm too busy for this" (The interesting thing about this excuse is that she only lived 10 minutes away from me, her work schedule was very similar to mine in that she worked during the day, was off in the evenings, and had the weekends off and the amount of hobbies she had dwindled and was reduced as time in the relationship went on. She never seemed to have time for me but she ALWAYS had time for her friends, often canceling our own appointments or scheduled meet ups. I learned after a while that time spent with me was negotiable but time spent with her friends was sacrosanct)

 

It got to the point, especially near the end of our relationship, where I would only get to see her for a few hours a week and near the very end, she went two and half weeks without seeing me at all. Keep in mind that she was repeatedly professing that she did want to be with me, that I had no idea how much she adored me.

 

I knew that was truly dealing with a lot of stuff. She grew up in a broken home (step father was abusive) and her last two boyfriends were abusive so I knew she'd require TLC but I was OK and up for that because I loved her and in spite of her flaws I truly did get a lot being around her (when I was around her).

 

But the thing of it was, she wasn't working on her issues. When life really hit her or got her down, she would just close up on me and expect me to just be there for her when she finally decided she could handle things again. I felt at the time and still strongly feel today that this is grossly unfair to your partner. Being in a relationship is not a tag-team wrestling match where you can choose to "tag out" whenever it starts to get real with her.

 

What was incredibly frustrating is that no matter how I approached it, I was always the bad guy. Conflicts were always MY FAULT and I'd have to apologize profusely and make nice and try as hard as I could to get her to understand that I really DID see things her way.

 

When I did eventually break up with her, her comment to me was, "I'm going through a really hard time (her horse had been severely injured and she learned she would never be able to ride her again) and whenever you're having a difficult time I give you space and time but whenever I'm in trouble I just need some forbearance but apparently thats too much to ask" which is a statement that, to this day, stills gets my blood boiling because of just how unbe-frelling-liveably manipulative it is.

 

The lesson I've learned when dealing with people who has issues and are not trying to work on them at all is that you simply can not win. You try to please them, you can bend and even break a little to try and make things work, but nothing will be good enough for them.

 

I'm sure you love your boyfriend very much, but unless he starts to really work on himself, you are fighting a war you have already lost. The only thing that will result is your self esteem and your life being shredded bit by bit. It really sucks too, because so much romantic literature or common knowledge preaches that a good S.O. is the one who sticks by the person they love through thick and thin and I think this is true, you should. But it should be a collaborative, team effort and they've already thrown in the towel then there is nothing you can do.

 

My advice and my story, take it or leave it

[Lovezen_30]

I appreciate your kindness but you're not bringing up something that doesn't drift across my skull once or twice a week

 

What would basically happen is that as she would become more stressed, she would retreat further into herself and/or her friends and I would cease to become a priority. In fact, if anything, being with me or being around me or communicating to me would become an obligation for her, something she felt she had to do rather than it being something she wanted to do.

 

It would start off innocuously: I would start to see and hear from her less, she would begin to lose interest in sex, and eventually it would get to a point to where she was always "busy" or had other things to do and simply couldn't talk to me/spend any kind of time for me.

 

When I would bring this up with her, she would give me one of the following responses

a) "I have to make time for my friends, they're important to me and I can only maintain it if I make time for them" (Which is very true and I had nothing against her friends but at the same time, what about me? What about the relationship with me? Isn't that important too?)

b) "I just don't feel like it right now" (Which is also an acceptable answer, except that sometimes she would somehow feel up to going out with her friends later that evening or would become so common that I started to wonder if she really wanted to be around me at all)

c) "I don't have time to baby your feelings right now/you're being unreasonable/I don't have to spend every waking second with you/you're acting like a petulant child!" (This was the response usually given to me after I displayed any sort of agitation or irritability and, in retrospect, was her way of gaslighting/minimizing my expectations)

d) "I just don't have time/I'm too busy for this" (The interesting thing about this excuse is that she only lived 10 minutes away from me, her work schedule was very similar to mine in that she worked during the day, was off in the evenings, and had the weekends off and the amount of hobbies she had dwindled and was reduced as time in the relationship went on. She never seemed to have time for me but she ALWAYS had time for her friends, often canceling our own appointments or scheduled meet ups. I learned after a while that time spent with me was negotiable but time spent with her friends was sacrosanct)

 

It got to the point, especially near the end of our relationship, where I would only get to see her for a few hours a week and near the very end, she went two and half weeks without seeing me at all. Keep in mind that she was repeatedly professing that she did want to be with me, that I had no idea how much she adored me.

 

I knew that was truly dealing with a lot of stuff. She grew up in a broken home (step father was abusive) and her last two boyfriends were abusive so I knew she'd require TLC but I was OK and up for that because I loved her and in spite of her flaws I truly did get a lot being around her (when I was around her).

 

But the thing of it was, she wasn't working on her issues. When life really hit her or got her down, she would just close up on me and expect me to just be there for her when she finally decided she could handle things again. I felt at the time and still strongly feel today that this is grossly unfair to your partner. Being in a relationship is not a tag-team wrestling match where you can choose to "tag out" whenever it starts to get real with her.

 

What was incredibly frustrating is that no matter how I approached it, I was always the bad guy. Conflicts were always MY FAULT and I'd have to apologize profusely and make nice and try as hard as I could to get her to understand that I really DID see things her way.

 

When I did eventually break up with her, her comment to me was, "I'm going through a really hard time (her horse had been severely injured and she learned she would never be able to ride her again) and whenever you're having a difficult time I give you space and time but whenever I'm in trouble I just need some forbearance but apparently thats too much to ask" which is a statement that, to this day, stills gets my blood boiling because of just how unbe-frelling-liveably manipulative it is.

 

The lesson I've learned when dealing with people who has issues and are not trying to work on them at all is that you simply can not win. You try to please them, you can bend and even break a little to try and make things work, but nothing will be good enough for them.

 

I'm sure you love your boyfriend very much, but unless he starts to really work on himself, you are fighting a war you have already lost. The only thing that will result is your self esteem and your life being shredded bit by bit. It really sucks too, because so much romantic literature or common knowledge preaches that a good S.O. is the one who sticks by the person they love through thick and thin and I think this is true, you should. But it should be a collaborative, team effort and they've already thrown in the towel then there is nothing you can do.

 

My advice and my story, take it or leave it

 

Yeah, that was the difficult part for me too. There is this definite pressure put on people (or women?) to stick by their partner's side come rain or shine. So where does it stop? When do you throw the towel in? I kept thinking that if I was a good person/good SO I would stuck by him and I think that's where the guilt came from immediately following the break up.

 

To be honest: something inside me snapped as soon as the verbal abuse started. Don't get me wrong, I stayed for weeks after offering my support until the next episode. But the fact that there was no team effort at a time when I needed my boyfriend to really be on my side. I had to ask myself: am I happy to be in this relationship now? Is being with him good enough for me now? My past counsellor asked me this once, and I responded 'yes' without hesitation. But had she asked me now, I would have said 'no'. And that's enough to base my decision on. I know some people would hold out longer, but as I'm also dealing with terminal illness in the family I couldn't make that kind of self-sacrifice.

 

I kept trying to reconcile this man I didn't recognise with the boyfriend I had always known. But then I seriously asked myself: when was the last time things were generally good (with minimal fights) between us? And then I realised all those memories I had been holding onto (in the hope that they would someday happen again) happened as long ago as last year, harking back to a past happy relationship that may never return.

 

I was not engaged to him or married to him, otherwise I would have stuck around no doubt. The problem was I felt threatened - I felt that my self-esteem and god knows what else was in danger and wasn't willing to put him before my needs this time. But I do love him. It's a strange thing - I wholeheartedly hope he gets better someday.

 

The only other thing I would offer orchids is that I feel much better post-break up. I know you probably won't want to hear that. But beforehand my body felt tight and stressed, I was thinking about the situation all the time on autopilot and I didn't realise the extent of my unhappiness until I was gone. I feel free, and on the road to becoming happy again. And yet if you had asked me two weeks ago, how I think I would feel were we to break up I would have said terrified/devastated etc. I hope you have a good trip and I hope the time and space gives you time to clear your head and work through your feelings.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Lovezen_30

[orchids]

I know it's a catch 22 because you feel like if you do leave him he'll get even more depressed which to be honest is probably true but he's going to have to learn to deal with his illness and learn to accept it before he can care about anyone else. At this point in time, I guarentee you he still cares deeply for you but he's waging a war inside his own mind that leaves no room to express any feelings for you. (...)

 

If you keep taking him back and making excuses for his behaviour because of his depression, what hes doing will just continue because he knows you accept it and he can get away with it.

The Catch 22 was indeed how I felt but I've since come to the conclusion that whether or not I want to help him, he will not let me. My best option is therefore to leave him alone. It's a far cry from the mindset that everyone in the thread has advocated, but I have at least decided that I will be only a friend to him; there will be a clear limit to what I will put up with in helping him. He has been my best friend for years before and I would treat a girl friend the same way.

 

The lesson I've learned when dealing with people who has issues and are not trying to work on them at all is that you simply can not win. You try to please them, you can bend and even break a little to try and make things work, but nothing will be good enough for them.

 

I'm sure you love your boyfriend very much, but unless he starts to really work on himself, you are fighting a war you have already lost. The only thing that will result is your self esteem and your life being shredded bit by bit. It really sucks too, because so much romantic literature or common knowledge preaches that a good S.O. is the one who sticks by the person they love through thick and thin and I think this is true, you should. But it should be a collaborative, team effort and they've already thrown in the towel then there is nothing you can do.

It's slightly different with me because what you described about not winning - he has surely felt it before with me when he was bending over backwards to make things work between us, but I was never satisfied. In that way, both of us have felt it throughout, and it was a relationship that had its happy times but a lot of difficulties.

 

The last straw here was the depression. I think it might have been more hurtful for you (than me) that your girlfriend's depression placed her friends before you. For me, I was always what my boyfriend retreated to. He would usually run away from everything and look for me. Otherwise, he would be by himself.

 

And I agree that I'm not going to take up an active role in this war. The more I invest in this, the more I will end up hurting.

[orchids]

I was not engaged to him or married to him, otherwise I would have stuck around no doubt. The problem was I felt threatened - I felt that my self-esteem and god knows what else was in danger and wasn't willing to put him before my needs this time. But I do love him. It's a strange thing - I wholeheartedly hope he gets better someday.

 

The only other thing I would offer orchids is that I feel much better post-break up. I know you probably won't want to hear that. But beforehand my body felt tight and stressed, I was thinking about the situation all the time on autopilot and I didn't realise the extent of my unhappiness until I was gone. I feel free, and on the road to becoming happy again. And yet if you had asked me two weeks ago, how I think I would feel were we to break up I would have said terrified/devastated etc. I hope you have a good trip and I hope the time and space gives you time to clear your head and work through your feelings.

You're a good person and that's what people do, I'm sure, hoping that someone close to them will get better. I'm glad to hear that you're happier now, although the terminal illness in your family must still be causing you a lot of stress... I hope you're coping well.

 

Thanks I'm hoping that the trip will give me space and time to clear my head too. Relationships combined with the stress of everyday life are killer.

[orchids]

I thought I'd update, since everyone did put a lot of effort into helping me and there may be lurkers out there facing the same problem.

 

He called.

 

Coincidentally, he'd gotten banned from his online account a week before I'm ashamed to admit I was quite happy about it and was even ready to cancel my plans for the night...... but I caught myself. My life is going on, with or without him. So the road trip will still happen.

 

I'm going to speak to him about his illness and take him to look for some help (ah, maybe for myself too). No, I won't forget anything you've all said about not getting involved. But this is what I'd do for any good friend of mine, relationship or not.

 

To be honest, I'm almost glad that he'd held out for a month. The length of time made me panic enough to ask the forum for help and you've all helped me to look at this a little more objectively. Right now, I'm looking at whether I want a relationship at all- I'm glad to say I'm leaning towards a "Waaaaaait and see how treatment goes", rather than "Yes!". The relationship's going on hold.

[Leigh 87]

Having depression alone, is not a deal breaker for me.

 

I would only up and leave if their foul and imbalanced moods caused any form of abuse. Verbal would be enough of a cause for me to leave. The sooner the better.

 

If they were otherwise adorable people that I really loved to be around, but their depression was beginning to really impact the relationship, I would give them time to seek help.

 

I mean, if they were in love with me, I would expect them to do what it takes to be with me; which would mean seeking medical intervention for their depression.

 

Your case is completely different. This guy has other dubious areas of life he shows his weak character.

 

I would absolutely stick with a man who was in love with me and adored me, yet simply had depression and AGREED to seek help for it.

[tinker683]

It's slightly different with me because what you described about not winning - he has surely felt it before with me when he was bending over backwards to make things work between us, but I was never satisfied. In that way, both of us have felt it throughout, and it was a relationship that had its happy times but a lot of difficulties.

 

I can understand that and in fact while I was going through a depression myself, my girlfriend at the time was also going through a depression and we were there for each other so we both went through the highs and lows together.

 

That's the key thing here though: We went through it together. My last ex shut down on me and shoved me out completely. I wasn't a partner or even a friend to her, I was an obligation at best and a burden at worst...and that's not what a relationship is or should be about. We should have been a team, facing this together

 

You're right in that it's not about winning but that wasn't what I was referring too...I was referring to how you're putting in energy to a relationship that he stopped being in. You're fueling life into a carcass that hasn't been allowed to die on it's own accord.

 

The last straw here was the depression. I think it might have been more hurtful for you (than me) that your girlfriend's depression placed her friends before you. For me, I was always what my boyfriend retreated to. He would usually run away from everything and look for me. Otherwise, he would be by himself.

 

That's an oversimplification of what happened to me. What happened to me is that she lost sight of the fact that I was the man she claimed to love, the man she had talked about raising children with, the man who she continually claimed she adored even though she shut me out, was ignoring me, and belittled or insulted me or withdrew further if I tried to get close to her.

 

I understand depression very well. When I was going through my own, I was severely depressed and was hospitalized twice for my suicidal behavior. I understand it very well.

 

What I also understand though is that no matter how depressed I am, I remember that my partner is my number one person in my life, that they are my partner, that they've got my back, that they respect me, and that they really do want to be around me.

 

From her actions, I can only infer that she didn't want that from me anymore but she lacked the stones to do this on her own so she drove me away and forced me to do the work for her. My hope is that one day I can forgive her for being such a coward.

 

And I agree that I'm not going to take up an active role in this war. The more I invest in this, the more I will end up hurting.

 

That's been my experience. I hope things do work out. If anything I would like you to read my story not as some command from on high but as a cautionary tale.

 

I hope he gets out of his funk and realizes what kind of a catch he's got with you, given how much you've twisted yourself into knots over this. Maybe he will, maybe he won't.

 

Either way, I hope you do whatever is best for you

[orchids]

I remember that my partner is my number one person in my life, that they are my partner, that they've got my back, that they respect me, and that they really do want to be around me.

 

From her actions, I can only infer that she didn't want that from me anymore but she lacked the stones to do this on her own so she drove me away and forced me to do the work for her. My hope is that one day I can forgive her for being such a coward.

It's funny.

 

I met him and we talked for hours. We found him a therapist. But I didn't feel a thing for him when I met him. We still clicked, of course (it's hard not to since we did as people), but underneath it all my mind kept running over the question: who is this person?

 

Maybe he'd hurt me too much, maybe a line had been crossed somewhere. Obviously a line was crossed but I'm talking about subconscious recognition. It comes back to what you said about "partner", I think. He doesn't feel like a "partner". He realized that I had activities lined up and tried not to show his unhappiness; I was thankful that he had at least that amount of decency.

 

We didn't talk about his going MIA at all. But personally, I realized that I didn't have it in myself to consider forgiving him. It wasn't about forgiveness, I just always thought he was better than that. I don't know, you've definitely had more experience than me in relationships but you could consider that too

 

Your case is completely different. This guy has other dubious areas of life he shows his weak character.

You're right. It's the dishonesty that's a deal breaker.

 

Regardless, I'm going with him to the therapist. To throw out the best excuse, "it's the depression talking". It doesn't really matter anyway, I won't be in a relationship with him until I know at least which unacceptable parts are the depression and which aren't.

 

I'm sure that came out easier than it will be to do, after a while.

[Leigh 87]

If he truly adores and cherishes you enough to want to be with you, he will do what it takes to make that happen.

 

He will tell you in no uncertain terms, that he wants to be with you, and yes he will get help and he will do what it takes to have a relationship with you.

 

That is all you need to know right now. As hard as it is to turn your back on someone you love, you have to make it all or nothing; he either says those words to you, that he wants to be with you and will do whatever it takes, or you should cut him out totally.

 

The right thing to do is never the easiest, short term.

[tinker683]

It's funny.

 

I met him and we talked for hours. We found him a therapist. But I didn't feel a thing for him when I met him. We still clicked, of course (it's hard not to since we did as people), but underneath it all my mind kept running over the question: who is this person?

 

Hmm. You had very different beginning than I did. Her and I clicked immediately and had a great deal of chemistry. I found her to be extremely attractive. (Still do, in fact, physically anyway)

 

Maybe he'd hurt me too much, maybe a line had been crossed somewhere. Obviously a line was crossed but I'm talking about subconscious recognition. It comes back to what you said about "partner", I think. He doesn't feel like a "partner". He realized that I had activities lined up and tried not to show his unhappiness; I was thankful that he had at least that amount of decency.

 

We didn't talk about his going MIA at all. But personally, I realized that I didn't have it in myself to consider forgiving him. It wasn't about forgiveness, I just always thought he was better than that. I don't know, you've definitely had more experience than me in relationships but you could consider that too

 

I had a lot of similar feelings toward my ex near the end. When her and I first got together, we talked a LOT about what our goals were, our perspectives about relationships and it seemed to line up. The last woman I was involved with (I'll call her 'R') before my current ex (I'll call her 'C') often took advantage of me and 'C' used to rail about how unfair she was to me and how she strung me along.

 

To turn around over a year later and see 'C' string me along much worse than 'R' ever did really hurt me. It was like, "I thought you'd know better. I thought you were wiser and better than this, that you would have had more respect for my feelings".

 

I seem to have a habit of not sticking to my boundaries and my values and instead I end up becoming a doormat and I seem to be drawn too and draw women to me how take advantage of that. Now that I'm single, I'm working on understanding my boundaries much better and sticking up for my values.

 

It's going to be a while I think before I can be in a relationship, between the last two women I was involved with my self esteem has taken a good pummeling and I've got a lot of anger and bitterness. I know I have to work on myself a lot before I can learn to trust again.

 

But I'm OK with that. I feel like I've come to the root of my own issues and now I'm finally working on them in a good and constructive way.

 

 

You're right. It's the dishonesty that's a deal breaker.

 

Regardless, I'm going with him to the therapist. To throw out the best excuse, "it's the depression talking". It doesn't really matter anyway, I won't be in a relationship with him until I know at least which unacceptable parts are the depression and which aren't.

 

I'm sure that came out easier than it will be to do, after a while.

 

Bingo.

 

Good luck! All of my own anger, hurt, and bitterness aside, I do hope that you two work things out. Gives me us beaten types something to hope for