Boyfriend suffering from depression, should I break up?

[aisuru]

It's the first for me. He's always been very gentle with me in our relationship, giving in etc, because he knows that.

 

It's not the first for him, but his previous exes ditched him (for entirely different reasons). He has cut off contact with people before, just abruptly stopped taking their calls and texting them - but his phone stayed on and he was moving on with life as per normal, just ignoring them.

 

But he did promise me before that he would break up with me to my face if it ever came to that. That's partly why I'm so sad and confused.

 

Yes well, my ex was the pursuer in our relationship from beginning to end. Seriously. Like, I never had to initiate texts or calls because he did plenty. EVER. In almost a year.

 

And guess who broke up with who?

 

Mmhmm.

 

I wanted to break up, but didn't have the balls. So I did things to make him break up with me.

 

I'm 36. I'm not an idiot.

 

I have been there, done that.

 

On both sides of the fence.

 

Not making this up to make you feel worse.

[orchids]

Tell us what you think?

 

A 3 year old relationship and he's ignored you for this long right now? Really?

 

You don't believe you deserve better?

 

Why are you justifying his silence?

 

This is hard to hear, but he does not want to be with you right now. He doesn't. I'm sorry.

I deserve better. This is stupid and having probably seen hundreds of threads like this you'll likely be but I feel like I deserve better from him.

 

I'm justifying it because I feel pained for his suffering, too, much as I'm selfish.

 

I will let him be. I want to break up with him but my heart can't seem to take it so I will take metal_chick's initial advice.

 

As someone who suffered from depression yourself, I hope you agree that it wouldn't be too much pressure for him if I were to send him a letter expressing my love and support for him, and that he can take his space to heal...?

[aisuru]

I deserve better. This is stupid and having probably seen hundreds of threads like this you'll likely be but I feel like I deserve better from him.

 

I'm justifying it because I feel pained for his suffering, too, much as I'm selfish.

 

I will let him be. I want to break up with him but my heart can't seem to take it so I will take metal_chick's initial advice.

 

As someone who suffered from depression yourself, I hope you agree that it wouldn't be too much pressure for him if I were to send him a letter expressing my love and support for him, and that he can take his space to heal...?

 

If he is depressed... the letter will do nothing. It will make him withdraw more because he will feel guilty he can't provide you with what you want while knowing he just CANNOT provide you with what you deserve.

 

I'm not a believer in pushing for closure, through letters or otherwise. If he's checked out, it won't do anything but push him further away.

 

Please don't do that either.

 

You really truly do deserve better. You will find better.

 

You just have to know it.

[orchids]

If he is depressed... the letter will do nothing. It will make him withdraw more because he will feel guilty he can't provide you with what you want while knowing he just CANNOT provide you with what you deserve.

Even if he can't be there for me, is it that bad that I can't be there for him ...?

 

He's always been there for me. If I walked out on him now, he would be the one with the greater loss. I know this, he knows this, our folks know this - he invested a lot more in me than I ever did in him. I was always unreasonable; he always went to great lengths to make me just that bit happy, to make my life easier, to ease my studies along. If he ever posted about me, everyone would have said to dump me, honestly, because I never did anything for him but blame him about how he broke my trust. He didn't get presents for Christmas or his birthday because I was unhappy with him. He was so ridiculously happy when I eventually gave him a trinket for his birthday.

 

I can't bear for him to think that I won't be there for him when he eventually needs someone.

[aisuru]

Even if he can't be there for me, is it that bad that I can't be there for him ...?

 

He's always been there for me. If I walked out on him now, he would be the one with the greater loss. I know this, he knows this, our folks know this - he invested a lot more in me than I ever did in him. I was always unreasonable; he always went to great lengths to make me just that bit happy, to make my life easier, to ease my studies along. If he ever posted about me, everyone would have said to dump me, honestly, because I never did anything for him but blame him about how he broke my trust. He didn't get presents for Christmas or his birthday because I was unhappy with him. He was so ridiculously happy when I eventually gave him a trinket for his birthday.

 

I can't bear for him to think that I won't be there for him when he eventually needs someone.

 

Oh my dear, have you considered therapy?

 

You are describing a codependent relationship. Not healthy for you. Not fulfilling either I imagine.

 

Not healthy at all. You know it. That's why you're here.

 

You must move on.

 

Stop trying to find a loophole in this.

[orchids]

Oh my dear, have you considered therapy?

 

You are describing a codependent relationship. Not healthy for you. Not fulfilling either I imagine.

 

Not healthy at all. You know it. That's why you're here.

 

You must move on.

 

Stop trying to find a loophole in this.

And am I the one who's dependent or is he, because I'm dependent on him when he ignores me but he's the one throwing everything in his life away when I'm not angry with him?

 

When I looked up codependency, both of us fit the traits. Both. Is that possible?

 

I am honestly, objectively not playing up how I've treated him. My parents have pointed it out before to me that I can't be so self-centered with him. His folks have frowned upon how he just casts things aside for me.

Edited June 7, 2013 by orchids

[Mack05]

Orchids, I didn't read the other replies as I don't want to alter my opinion. Plus I know you will have gotten great advice already. Speaking from a guy who suffered badly from depression for 3 or so years, let me tell you it is impossible to have a healthy loving relationship with someone who suffers from depression.

 

They see the world in a different in a different way to that of an emotionally healthy person. A person suffering from deppression is very self centered and self involved. The problem is that they don't even know it most of the time.

 

You need to leave. Only he can fix himself and that normally starts to happen when he hits his own rock bottom. If you stay with him, he will drag you into the internal war that he is having with himself. It will become very toxic. You need to ask yourself the question why you want a relationship with a guy who doesn't treat you the way that you deserve?....Then go from there..

 

One of proudest achievement is beating depression. I eventually stopped running from my demons and eventually met them head on. It took about three years to feel truly happy and at peace inside. I now live (just moved) in a small rural town with little friends and I Love it! It must be like finding 'the one'. You just know everything you have been looking for has been straight in front of your face, but you are too blinded by fear and ignorance to see it.

 

I love life. I do box fit classes three times a week. I bought a kick ass bike and cycle to the most beautiful places in the world (IMO) every single weekend. There is finally a balance to my life, but it took me a LONG time to get there. It will take this guy a long time to. Real genuine change takes years and he needs to do it on his own. I wish you well..

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[orchids]

Orchids, I didn't read the other replies as I don't want to alter my opinion. Plus I know you will have gotten great advice already. Speaking from a guy who suffered badly from depression for 3 or so years, let me tell you it is impossible to have a healthy loving relationship with someone who suffers from depression.

 

They see the world in a different in a different way to that of an emotionally healthy person. A person suffering from deppression is very self centered and self involved. The problem is that they don't even know it most of the time.

 

You need to leave. Only he can fix himself and that normally starts to happen when he hits his own rock bottom. If you stay with him, he will drag you into the internal war that he is having with himself. It will become very toxic. You need to ask yourself the question why you want a relationship with a guy who doesn't treat you the way that you deserve?....Then go from there..

 

One of proudest achievement is beating depression. I eventually stopped running from my demons and eventually met them head on. It took about three years to feel truly happy and at peace inside. I now live (just moved) in a small rural town with little friends and I Love it! It must be like finding 'the one'. You just know everything you have been looking for has been straight in front of your face, but you are too blinded by fear and ignorance to see it.

 

I love life. I do box fit classes three times a week. I bought a kick ass bike and cycle to the most beautiful places in the world (IMO) every single weekend. There is finally a balance to my life, but it took me a LONG time to get there. It will take this guy a long time to. Real genuine change takes years and he needs to do it on his own. I wish you well..

He has been lovely to me. I don't want to make excuses for him, but there is truly no one else to support him and I know that he has been scared and lonely every single time he runs away. You are right about the selfishness too, I've seen him break down and he tells me he didn't, he just didn't think about me when he was running away. He isn't at all aware of it during these occasions; he thinks of me when he gets over it and he's miserable, he's lonely.

 

What I always think about is this: if he didn't face these depressive episodes and ignore me because of them, would he have fully taken care of me? Would I have stayed with him?

 

The answer to both is yes. He would. I would. Despite all our other flaws.

 

It gives me hope to see that someone like you could beat the depression; how did you do it? Did you find any kind of support helpful, even if it wasn't active at all?

 

I don't need to be in his life if he doesn't want me there right now. But I want him to know he's not alone at all. And if I could I would make him see a therapist.

Edited June 7, 2013 by orchids

[Mack05]

He has been lovely to me. I don't want to make excuses for him, but there is truly no one else to support him and I know that he has been scared and lonely every single time he runs away. What I always think about is this: if he didn't face these depressive episodes and ignore me because of them, would he have fully taken care of me? Would I have stayed with him?

 

The answer to both is yes. He would. I would. Despite all our other flaws.

 

It gives me hope to see that someone like you could beat the depression; how did you do it? Did you find any kind of support helpful, even if it wasn't active at all?

 

I don't need to be in his life if he doesn't want me there right now. But I want him to know he's not alone at all.

 

Orchid try view this post just coming from my experience. I have no idea what he is going through or thinking.

 

I know you mean well, but your well meaned support could end up being a negative instead of a positive (will explain below). With me at the time I had a girlfriend. We were very volatile. It was a combination of two things. One was my depression and secondly deep down, I simply didn't want to be in the relationship. She was (and is) a great girl but wasn't what I was looking for. If there was no depression, if I had high self esteem I would never have dated her.

 

People with depression aren't bad people. They are just not very reliable. My ex must have been very confused. At times I would treat her like a princess, showed her my very best side. This was when I didn't want to be alone. Other times I would push her away. This was when I knew she was not what I wanted in a long term partner. It was pull-push for 7 months until she finally saw sense.

 

The crash was so hard. When I went to pull again there was no one at the other end. The same girl said she would always support me and wanted to be there for me, but the internal war I was having with myself eventually pushed her towards breaking point. When that point came she cut me off completely and was quite vicious in doing so. All of a sudden I was alone and I just was not able for it. Mistakes gone by and years of neglect of myself caught up with me and I hit rock bottom.

 

To get back to me, I realised in the main I had to do this by myself. However I did have a great support network. My family and my best friend were incredible. I will never forget what they did for me. Every time there was a little stumble I had someone to pick me up.

 

Eventually I become strong again. I am now a FAR stronger version of myself then I ever was before. Sure there were major stumbles along the way. Another toxic relationship. My codependecy rearing its ugly head. Same pull-push tactics. It just re-enforced my belief that I had a long way to go.

 

If he REALLY wanted a future with you, he would start putting the steps in place to fix himself months ago. He is not doing that. That message says volumes to me. Even if he does 'promise change' he will probably eventually push you away again. His promises are empty right now.

 

At the moment your mind/heart are playing tricks on you. You just want to see there good side. You want to believe if you can overcome these obstacles that everything will be ok. If only life were that simple..I know you won't truly absorb the message that I am giving you, I know you won't leave, but in time you will realise why that was the wrong decision. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for both of you. Even if his good side is very special..

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[orchids]

The crash was so hard. When I went to pull again there was no one at the other end. The same girl said she would always support me and wanted to be there for me, but the internal war I was having with myself eventually pushed her towards breaking point. When that point came she cut me off completely and was quite vicious in doing so. All of a sudden I was alone and I just was not able for it. Mistakes gone by and years of neglect of myself caught up with me and I hit rock bottom.

 

To get back to me, I realised in the main I had to do this by myself. However I did have a great support network. My family and my best friend were incredible. I will never forget what they did for me. Every time there was a little stumble I had someone to pick me up.

Mack, this is exactly what I'm talking about. His family will not recognize that there is a problem; they're in absolute denial about it. All they do is ask him to go to church, without realizing his lack of religious faith. He does not have a best friend - not anymore. That person will never help him again after how he had cut her off (for talking bad about me, no less.) I won't ask them to, either, because they won't listen to me.

 

He has no support network to speak of. I have myself to worry about and I am bleeding, but I have a supportive family and friends by my side; I have blessings to count, in that respect. This is not pity. This is the anxiety I feel for him.

 

Did you ignore her too? By saying my support could be a negative instead, does that mean that it would give him a false sense of security that never really allows him to crash and to recover after that?

 

If he REALLY wanted a future with you, he would start putting the steps in place to fix himself months ago. He is not doing that. That message says volumes to me. Even if he does 'promise change' he will probably eventually push you away again. His promises are empty right now.

 

At the moment your mind/heart are playing tricks on you. You just want to see there good side. You want to believe if you can overcome these obstacles that everything will be ok. If only life were that simple..I know you won't truly absorb the message that I am giving you, I know you won't leave, but in time you will realise why that was the wrong decision. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for both of you. Even if his good side is very special..

Your replies are so honest that they hurt maybe I'm naive, you're right - I feel that if I can overcome these things everything will be fine. I wish it worked that way, I really do.

[Mack05]

Sorry if I hurt you Orchids. That is not my intention.

 

By saying my support could be a negative instead, does that mean that it would give him a false sense of security that never really allows him to crash and to recover after that?

 

exactly..He is not going to want himself if his safety net is always there and if this safety net disappears when he really needs it....CRASH..He has to help himself, he can't really do that in this relationship or with you as a friend. He is not your responsibility...For a codepedent that is hard to accept...

 

Orchids he is in denial, it's not just his family. People with depression kid themselves. Tomorrow will be different. They make so many empty promises. To themselves and the people around them.

 

My family knew something was a miss with me, but I was very clever. I was living in a different city, so it was easy to pull the wool over their eyes. I would convince them it was just a phase I was going through. I would then go to the gym for 3 weeks, try get social again only to revert back to type.

 

A big problem for me was pride. I was too proud to ask for help. Easier to put on a facade and convince myself everything was going to be ok, when the reality couldn't be further from the truth. His family are not aware of the extent of his problems, because he has probably done a very good job in hiding what is really happening underneath the surface.

 

I never ignored my ex. I did ask for space on a few occasions. Which she agreed to, only to come back when she thought her friend was very ill. I couldn't barely look after myself at the time, but I was there for her. A few weeks later she left. What was hard was I actually hadn't pushed at her in a while. I was starting to recognise that she was a great girl. I wanted to know that if I could beat this depression, would it be possible that we could compromise and healthly bridge the gaps that were there between us (I am conservative, she liberal).

 

Sure I understood that realistically there was no future there because of our different outlooks on life, but I still loved her. That much I was sure off. I am very thankful things happened the way they did. I saw her bad side and that is not what I am looking for in a woman. She saw mine too and I am very sure she would say the same about me. We had a lot of chemistry and lots in common, but we would have failed and I would still be living a facade.

 

The best leeson I have learnt is real love is more then chemistry, things in common, fun times, etc etc. It's loving yourself and being happy before you enter a relationship. It's then about being completely honest when the relationship starts so that the other can either stay or leave. If they stay, then trust becomes automatic. Finally it's about loving that person warts and all. It's about enjoying the highs, fighting through the lows and being a team.

 

That love I describe above..I don't believe he can give you...

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[orchids]

Sorry if I hurt you Orchids. That is not my intention.

 

 

 

exactly..He is not going to want himself if his safety net is always there and if this safety net disappears when he really needs it....CRASH..He has to help himself, he can't really do that in this relationship or with you as a friend. He is not your responsibility...For a codepedent that is hard to accept...

 

Orchids he is in denial, it's not just his family. People with depression kid themselves. Tomorrow will be different. They make so many empty promises. To themselves and the people around them.

 

I never ignored my ex. I did ask for space on a few occasions. Which she agreed to, only to come back when she thought her friend was very ill. I couldn't barely look after myself at the time, but I was there for her. A few weeks later she left. What was hard was I actually hadn't pushed at her in a while. I was starting to recognise that she was a great girl. I wanted to know that if I could beat this depression, would it be possible that we could compromise and healthly bridge the gaps that were there between us (I am conservative, she liberal).

 

The best leeson I have learnt is real love is more then chemistry, things in common, fun times, etc etc. It's loving yourself and being happy before you enter a relationship. It's then about being completely honest when the relationship starts so that the other can either stay or leave. If they stay, then trust becomes automatic. Finally it's about loving that person warts and all. It's about enjoying the highs, fighting through the lows and being a team.

 

That love I describe above..I don't believe he can give you...

 

Mack, thank you so much for sharing with me. I know it may have been a completely different experience with you, but you have surely given me comfort, as someone who is offering a perspective from his side and as someone who is compassionate and understanding enough to know how I feel.

 

You reaffirmed what I believed in: that he isn't a bad person. What I had struggled with is whether he had been cheating my feelings all this while. It was the length of time that made this theory so impossible for me- cheating me for three years? I was so hurt by the idea that he was just toying with me, emotionally manipulating me when he felt like it.

 

But you've helped me understand that depression can make you push away even people you love, and that is comforting. He did betray my trust by talking to people online, but I believe him now when he says they weren't real to him, that if they were in the slightest bit real he'd be affected by them but he never was.

 

You've also clarified what he's going through. But you're surely right. It would take a steel heart to pull away from him. I don't have that, even if it means I'm cowardly or it goes against so much of the well meaning advice from aisuru and metal_chick. I will, however, send him a letter and give him time alone. But if I'm a safety net I will be one that, if he comes back, take him to the therapist. I can't bring myself to not care for him. You and many others have saved themselves but I don't want to walk away from him and find out one day that he took his life because he couldn't find a single person that understood him.

 

I don't know how long he will take to come around...? but when he does, I'll ( his best friend when he needs one. That much I want to do for him as a person, even if i take care of myself.

Edited June 7, 2013 by orchids

[NanjingLove]

First, if you still love him, you have to find him to make a communication. Tell him you love him, to find out the problem and then, solve them. share your feeling, fix up your relationship.

Second, if you don't love him anymore, you still need to have a talk with him. You may say you are sorry. You can't keep the relationship with a silent man. You may tell him you had found another boy friend. So, he will leave you fast.

[Mack05]

Ok a few things

 

He has huge emotional gaps within him. For a few years you helped fill those. But all that is doing is putting a plaster over a gaping wound. Unless he finds away to be happy inside on his own, then this relationship was always doomed to fail.

 

I know you mean well. I love genuinely good hearted people like you (I have an amazing skill to find the selfish girls -> 'the what can you do for me kinda girls'), but there is a balance that you need to have in your life. The balance between being loving, caring and loyal and knowing/understanding that there comes a point that you have to disconnect.

 

You have to know when the right time is to walk away. That is what emotionally healthy people do. The recognize the dangers to themselves and thus escape from it. Even if that means going against everything their heart is telling them. This requires enormous courage and inner strength.

 

Some people might find this cold, but self preservation over a period of time can be the difference between a happy life and a life full of struggles and unstable relationships. The only relationships that truly prosper are those when two people are happy inside when they meet and make an effort to stay happy inside during the length of the relationship (which can be very hard). The relationships where there is co-dependency, depression and addictions involved usually turn toxic. I mean when you are at peace with yourself you automatically have so much love to give. When you are not at peace with yourself how can you be at peace within the relationship bond? You can't.

 

I may not particulary like as people my most recent ex(s) but I respect them for walking away from an emotionally unhealthy man. The girls that stay end up as doormats. The guy becomes more selfish, more disconnected from reality. Eventually that inch you give has become a mile. He ends up treating you with little or no respect and you end up very very sad -> this is your future in a nutshell unless you leave this man fully go.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

He is looking at girls online (this is cheating, the intent is there) and here you are justifying this behavior to us? This is just the start. I would be stunned if he didn't cheat if you ever got back together (or if he hasn't already). It's just his way of filling the emotional gaps within him in an unhealthy way. Some cheat, some do drugs, over eat, gamble, drink etc etc etc

 

The harsh reality is if you keep justifying his behavior you end up as a doormat and wonder what the hell happened to your life. Just cause someone has a good side and just cause someone treats you well at times is not a good enough reason to want a relationship with them. A relationship needs far more then Love and loyalty to survive.

 

I am in an long co-dependant battle. I know how hard it is to let go. It goes against EVERYTHING you believe in. However if you want to be part of a successful happy long term relationship you need to make the tough decisions and be decisive.

 

You are too emotional to see what I am trying to tell you. You can't separate the Forrest from the trees. I've been there. My point is even IF he got back to full emotional health (which would take years probably), and you worked on your own issues the chances are you both wouldn't even consider being with the other because your mindset and your 'picker' will have completely changed.

 

Me 3 years ago and me now are actually different people...sure the core is the same, but how I view myself and relationships are 180% apart. Say that ex I referred to above and I met for the first time Saturday night, there is no way in hell neither of us would want anything to do with the other. Time is great for clarification. I understand why the relationship was dysfunctional and how it could never have worked. I would know within 5 minutes of talking to her the she was hot, but not for me. I have made this judgement a few times recently :-). It's called knowing yourself and what what you want. Not settling for anything BUT what you want.

 

Leave go Orchid. You have no idea how much grief you will save yourself. By leaving go you are choosing short term pain and long term happiness. By clinging on you are choosing to be a doormat, little short term happiness (maybe) and long term pain. I was so like you in my past. I too ignored the same advice I am giving you. It has cost me so much..Do choose the path I choose. Choose a wiser, more courageous, more mature path. You will thank yourself in the long run and you will be helping him more then you understand right now..

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[inaya42]

orchids, you have gotten such excellent advice on this thread -- and mack05's has been particularly compassionate, honest, and generous -- that there is really not much that i can add.

 

i realize that you are going to do what feels right to you ultimately. as people, we do what enables us to live with ourselves after all. but i do want to caution you once more about placing your well-being in the hands of someone who is so clearly unwell. no matter how much we love someone, we don't get to abdicate responsibility for ourselves.

 

in the midst of depression, one experiences such exhaustion, such self-obsession and overwhelm that it can feel like one has to crawl through the seconds of the day. to assemble the necessary persona to go to work or school or even to have a conversation with a friend can take herculean effort. and the last thing one wants to do and can do responsibly is to engage in a serious relationship, which is a relationship defined by desire and mutual care. to release yourself and this man from the responsibility of this relationship would be a kindness to you both...

[tinker683]

He tells you that he withdraws from you because he wants you to find someone better. He hasn't got the balls to be a man and break up with you. So he ignores you, hoping you'll do his dirty work.

 

So do it. Dump him.

 

This.

 

Whether it's because he doesn't want you anymore or it's because he's just not capable of giving you what it is you need...the decision on your end has the be same: It's over.

 

The sad, brutal truth is that it takes two people to make a relationship work and he's checked out of it. Unless he himself decides to get off his lazy butt and actually start putting some shoulder into the relationship, there is literally nothing you can do.

 

I'd take metal chick's advice and wait a week, not because it will actually do any good (it won't) but because it will at least give you the feeling that you did give it your best.

 

I'm sorry this happened dear. If it's of any consolation, this has nothing to do with you. He wasn't happy and nothing except him is going to change that. You can go ahead and play Florence Nightingale with him if you want but you'll only destroy yourself in the process. It's unfair to you, you deserve better than this.

 

<---speaking as a formally depressed guy and as a guy whose ex also wasn't happy and shut down on him, forcing him to break up with her after three months of very little contact.

Edited June 7, 2013 by tinker683

[Lovezen_30]

Orchid try view this post just coming from my experience. I have no idea what he is going through or thinking.

 

I know you mean well, but your well meaned support could end up being a negative instead of a positive (will explain below). With me at the time I had a girlfriend. We were very volatile. It was a combination of two things. One was my depression and secondly deep down, I simply didn't want to be in the relationship. She was (and is) a great girl but wasn't what I was looking for. If there was no depression, if I had high self esteem I would never have dated her.

 

People with depression aren't bad people. They are just not very reliable. My ex must have been very confused. At times I would treat her like a princess, showed her my very best side. This was when I didn't want to be alone. Other times I would push her away. This was when I knew she was not what I wanted in a long term partner. It was pull-push for 7 months until she finally saw sense.

 

The crash was so hard. When I went to pull again there was no one at the other end. The same girl said she would always support me and wanted to be there for me, but the internal war I was having with myself eventually pushed her towards breaking point. When that point came she cut me off completely and was quite vicious in doing so. All of a sudden I was alone and I just was not able for it. Mistakes gone by and years of neglect of myself caught up with me and I hit rock bottom.

 

To get back to me, I realised in the main I had to do this by myself. However I did have a great support network. My family and my best friend were incredible. I will never forget what they did for me. Every time there was a little stumble I had someone to pick me up.

 

Eventually I become strong again. I am now a FAR stronger version of myself then I ever was before. Sure there were major stumbles along the way. Another toxic relationship. My codependecy rearing its ugly head. Same pull-push tactics. It just re-enforced my belief that I had a long way to go.

 

If he REALLY wanted a future with you, he would start putting the steps in place to fix himself months ago. He is not doing that. That message says volumes to me. Even if he does 'promise change' he will probably eventually push you away again. His promises are empty right now.

 

At the moment your mind/heart are playing tricks on you. You just want to see there good side. You want to believe if you can overcome these obstacles that everything will be ok. If only life were that simple..I know you won't truly absorb the message that I am giving you, I know you won't leave, but in time you will realise why that was the wrong decision. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for both of you. Even if his good side is very special..

 

Hi orchids, I was very drawn to this thread because I have just taken the brave step Mack talks about by breaking up with my currently depressed boyfriend of 1 1/2 years.

 

Let me give a little bit of background: his depression had been building without me really realising it, and came out in a sudden 'episode' a couple of months ago. He had done something very out of character/hurtful to my feelings (not infidelity) and when I confronted him about it he almost fainted and started having a panic attack. He basically admitted he had no self-worth, that his life was stuck in a 'rut' and thought he might be depressed. He cried for a long time while I held him, and I said I would support him through this hard time. I then offered to help him get out of his life 'rut' by helping him looking at employment options, updating his CV and so on (he's been very unhappy in his job). He showed initial interest, but I ended up feeling like I was pushing him to do something he couldn't really be bothered doing. I wanted to help him because I wanted him to get better, and because I wanted a partner I could build a life with.

 

But a month later another episode happened - this time worse. He was verbally abusive and the things he said shocked me to the core. He 'didn't know' if he wanted to be in the relationship though he assured me he did not mean it the following morning, saying how he felt was 'nothing to do with me'. He hit a piece of furniture and cried very hard again, before asking for my forgiveness. I said I didn't know if I could this time, but did eventually.

 

But I didn't feel the same about him for weeks after, and I couldn't shake it. I felt like the man I loved was gone, and was replaced with this unhappy being that didn't respect me. From this point on I couldn't figure out if he was really just depressed, or if he was partly depressed because he didn't really want to be with me and it was destroying my self esteem. So as he launched into the final disrespectful attack, I broke it off. He was also attempting to make long-term plans with me that I was reluctant about, and when he pushed me as to why I wasn't very open to them I admitted I didn't want to do these things with him for fear that he would continue to be abusive down the line. What future is there in that scenario?

 

Anyway, I have since met up with him and he said he had a doctor's appointment scheduled for next week - but that he hadn't been able to go that week because he was busy recording music with his band (this suggests to me that despite saying he has hit 'rock bottom' he hasn't really, and is still putting his emotional health on the backburne to put his energies into things that provide him with short bursts of happiness, but not long-term).

 

We have been broken up for a week today. I won't lie to you - it's been difficult, but necessary. Sometimes it feels surreal - the depression crept up on me, and often he would recount days where he felt at his worst and yet I had no idea because he was still smiling on the outside. The break up still feels surreal - how can this person I loved be gone from my life so quickly? But, orchids, you must think of your own emotional health and sanity. I realised this is the first weekend I have actually looked forward to in a long time because I am not worrying that he is going to have an episode at the weekend. And, when I think about it, in the early weeks of dating he told me he had been unhappy before he met me. So, it seems to me now like those issues were always there. As Mack said, you need two, healthy emotionally people to have a happy relationship and wishing for it won't make it so - your boyfriend needs to want to change.

 

Another large part of the reason I left him was also because I knew he couldn't cope with being in a relationship at this point in time, no matter how much he claimed he could. He simply didn't have the energy for it. But I have loved him and let him go, and now, he can focus on himself as he should. He is a good man with a good heart, but he doesn't love himself and won't truly love anyone else until he can take that step for himself first. I wish you luck orchids.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Lovezen_30

[orchids]

I am in an long co-dependant battle. I know how hard it is to let go. It goes against EVERYTHING you believe in. However if you want to be part of a successful happy long term relationship you need to make the tough decisions and be decisive.

I'm not the one letting go- in typical terms, he would be the "dumper" and I the "dumpee" and this is probably what makes it so hard for me. If there were tough decisions I couldn't have made them; he seems to have already done so for me by ignoring me to this extent. He won't face me at all. Maybe he still loves me, maybe he's selfish, maybe he doesn't care for me at all, but he won't face me even in a text.

 

You probably understand much more how he feels than I do. I've seen the same sentiments from him. He has told me before that he wants to be alone, that he feels like he should be alone. If he were to be with anyone else, like me, he said he couldn't bear the responsibility of disappointing me when he couldn't heal himself.

 

It hurt me. He told me he would always love me, but he didn't want to drag me down. And I, in love, never felt like he was dragging me down.

 

in the midst of depression, one experiences such exhaustion, such self-obsession and overwhelm that it can feel like one has to crawl through the seconds of the day. to assemble the necessary persona to go to work or school or even to have a conversation with a friend can take herculean effort. and the last thing one wants to do and can do responsibly is to engage in a serious relationship, which is a relationship defined by desire and mutual care. to release yourself and this man from the responsibility of this relationship would be a kindness to you both...

What hurts is how it has never seemed like a persona. Even now, it does not feel like one and he has always been very honest with me - when he felt too tired he would tell me. Perhaps right now this is what he feels: exhaustion, self-obsession and overwhelm. I should be more selfish, I really should, but I feel so goddamn wretched inside that I can't help him. Him. Not anyone else, just this one person who always cared for me.

 

speaking as a formally depressed guy and as a guy whose ex also wasn't happy and shut down on him, forcing him to break up with her after three months of very little contact.

tinker, I don't want to drag up unpleasant memories for you but would you care to share how your ex shut down on you? Did you ignore her? How did you feel then?

[orchids]

But I didn't feel the same about him for weeks after, and I couldn't shake it. I felt like the man I loved was gone, and was replaced with this unhappy being that didn't respect me. From this point on I couldn't figure out if he was really just depressed, or if he was partly depressed because he didn't really want to be with me and it was destroying my self esteem. So as he launched into the final disrespectful attack, I broke it off. He was also attempting to make long-term plans with me that I was reluctant about, and when he pushed me as to why I wasn't very open to them I admitted I didn't want to do these things with him for fear that he would continue to be abusive down the line. What future is there in that scenario?

 

Anyway, I have since met up with him and he said he had a doctor's appointment scheduled for next week - but that he hadn't been able to go that week because he was busy recording music with his band (this suggests to me that despite saying he has hit 'rock bottom' he hasn't really, and is still putting his emotional health on the backburne to put his energies into things that provide him with short bursts of happiness, but not long-term).

It makes it very hard for me that I've always felt the same for him. Even now, it doesn't feel like he's gone. I wish it did. It would be so much easier to see him as a different person, someone who felt different. But the day before he walked away we were still talking about future plans, he was still genuinely happy. Everyone talks about personas, and it's true that those do creep up here and there, but I believe you would understand me.

 

I always felt it strange how people with depression could still do so many other things. Things that I wouldn't do if I were unhappy. But I'll never understand the illness.

 

I realised this is the first weekend I have actually looked forward to in a long time because I am not worrying that he is going to have an episode at the weekend. And, when I think about it, in the early weeks of dating he told me he had been unhappy before he met me. So, it seems to me now like those issues were always there. As Mack said, you need two, healthy emotionally people to have a happy relationship and wishing for it won't make it so - your boyfriend needs to want to change.

I've never looked forward to any weekend without him. I don't know why but the fear of the episodes has never sunk in me. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I like to shelve things, but I don't think about things like that. He'd been unhappy before he met me, but we know that I'd made him that little bit happier. He wanted to change, but we could never figure out how. Therapists- we went to one. But he never did feel comfortable divulging things. And we simply found some of the fees exorbitant.

 

The thread has given me a lot of perspective of things. The well meaning advice is something I know will stay in my head, even if my heart is against it- and I know it will be useful when the time comes. But I really did find comfort, your story showed me how I wasn't alone and your courage gives me the hope that I might one day walk out of this. I want to walk out of this with him, even if Mack says he'll need to fall.

 

But he has cut me off; he has made this hard choice for us and it hurts me that he has to suffer the pain of doing this by himself, in addition to everything else he is going through.

[Mack05]

Orchids who the dumper and dumpee are is irrevelant. Letting go is making a conscious decision that even if this person comes back (pull the rope) that you will not re enter a relationship with them. The selfish ones (me at the time) come back. All that leads to is more mind fcu king and more pull push negative behaviours.

 

My final bit of advice to you is this..

 

1) U start the process of letting go. Block him from everything. Start the process of recognising that this man and this relationship is not good for you. The rose tintes glasses need to go. Dreaming of the good side of the ex and an amazing reconcilation has to STOP...

 

2) Buy the book codependent no more by melody beattie. I also think the book the power of now will help you.

 

3) Speak to a professional. U simply are not comprehending what the message is that we are trying to tell you. A professional will be able to help you piece all this together...

 

Let me give u an example. 2 years ago id have given anything to have my ex back. I was crazy, desperate, lost, out of control. Now I wouldnt date her if she was the last girl on planet earth. She is an awesome girl and for the longest time I wondered 'What if' BUT now I truly know myself and my flaws. I recognise what is good for ME and what is not. Your problem (like me in the past) is you simply cannot recognise what is good for u and what is not..

Edited June 9, 2013 by Mack05

[orchids]

Thank you, Mack.

 

I'm happy that there is at least someone out there who will try to help me through this, even if I don't know you guys in person. I will take a look at the book (not buying )

 

I spoke to a close friend about this, who knows in more detail the depth and intensity of our relationship. She has advised me to give him time, since cutting off abruptly is so virtually impossible given my personality.

 

I think that is as close as it gets: not harboring any secret hope. Maybe he'll be back, maybe he won't. But I trust that time will allow me to think through all of this more clearly and process your advice. If he does ever come back, I will be very, very thankful for all the advice you posted and I promise I will look it through very carefully (hopefully I won't be posting another thread!)

 

In the meantime, I'll be going on a road trip across the country for a couple of weeks, so that should get my mind off things

[Mack05]

Thank you, Mack.

 

I spoke to a close friend about this, who knows in more detail the depth and intensity of our relationship. She has advised me to give him time, since cutting off abruptly is so virtually impossible given my personality.

 

 

Orchids I hope you don't mind a little tough love here, but honestly I feel in this case is needed...He is not the only that needs to change. You do to. I recommend a great book that I know will help you out and you just dismiss it out of hand? Makes me wonder why I bothered replying in your thread...

 

The intensity of the relationship is the problem. It's not a 'healthy' bond. I had the same unhealthy bond with that ex I refer to when I was suffering from depression. We had no idea how to really communicate, so when the honeymoon period ended, there was no real or genuine foundation there. We well apart like a stack of cards.

 

I was in a rush it seemed to get past the honeymoon period and reach the next stage (dumb eh). I wanted her to open up, but I was unwilling to do the exact same things I was asking of her. She would say you are pushing my buttons. I finally get what she meant by that. I didn't want to show her my weaknesses/vulnerabilities, but I demanded she do it for me? I had the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. So do you and so does he. I think if you have great communication you can bridge most gaps in a relationship. It's an awesome skill which requires both partners to have it. Me and my ex didn't have it and I am 99.9999999% certain neither do you or your ex.

 

You need to open your mind to genuine change. Your personality (highlighted above) is half the problem here. You seem very set in your ways. I used to have the attitude "well thats just me, accept that". That was such an immature attitude to have. You need to embrace change when it is required and in your case it is required. The big problem is you have seemingly have no idea as to why its required...

 

If you don't turn this inwards to you will either a) get back with your and you end up crushed again (or u crush him) b) find another emotionally unhealthy guy.

 

A quote I will live by for the rest of my life is...

 

"People are like stained-glass windows,

They sparkle when the sun is out,

but when the darkness sets in,

their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within"

 

Think about that....

Edited June 10, 2013 by Mack05

[orchids]

Orchids I hope you don't mind a little tough love here, but honestly I feel in this case is needed...He is not the only that needs to change. You do to. I recommend a great book that I know will help you out and you just dismiss it out of hand? Makes me wonder why I bothered replying in your thread...

I'm sorry, when I said I'll look at it I meant that I'd borrow it, I just wouldn't be buying it. I haven't gotten 'round to borrowing it yet so I didn't want to talk about it in a way that suggested I had. It wasn't meant to be dismissive; it was meant to be honestly filed away when I next went to the bookstore or the library.

 

You need to open your mind to genuine change. Your personality (highlighted above) is half the problem here. You seem very set in your ways. I used to have the attitude "well thats just me, accept that". That was such an immature attitude to have. You need to embrace change when it is required and in your case it is required. The big problem is you have seemingly have no idea as to why its required...

Mack, I will accept change. But I hope you do understand that when it comes to doing something like NC, even everyone goes about it differently. Maybe some people here are capable of blocking every channel at one go. Please don't be so harsh on me when I think about things and block one channel a day. I will get there, but I wish you'd understand that everyone gets to their destination a different way. Isn't this the reason why therapists do one-on-one sessions and not mass sessions?

 

Yes, I'll be crawling through the race while others are running. But my mindset is no different. And your encouragement has still been encouraging, even if not completely in the way you wanted.

 

I'm sorry you find my attitude so unacceptable. But I assure you that your advice has never gone unheeded and I really appreciated you giving me a look in from the other side.

[Mack05]

Orchids its not about me finding your attiude unaaceptable. The hardest lesson I have EVER had to learn is that I have no right to judge anyone. In no way am I judging you. Heck I've been there! You have a kind heart, I just don't want you to suffer in the long run. My advice, take it or leave it that is entirely up to you. None of us have all the answers..All we can do is our very best and learn to grow as people..