orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 My boyfriend has ignored me for three weeks now. He last told me he'd talk to me after two weeks, when I broke down in tears over an argument. He was on parole, and his parole would end in two weeks. Now it's a week past the end of his parole and he hasn't checked his email or turned on his phone. He has a history of depression and he has always talked about running away, but that he can't break up with me because he can't stand the thought. He also thinks we're unfixable because he broke my trust a few months ago and he's been blaming himself (I blamed him too ) I sent him a present a few days ago, with a lot of handwritten letters. He's always been very soft-hearted towards me but there is still no response, what should I do? I don't want him to feel all alone but he won't even see me, and he won't tell me he wants to break up either. It's taking a toll on my mental well-being, I care for him and it really hurts to see him this way. We've been together for 3+ years now. Should I wait outside his door? What can I do so that he feels cared for, or can work up the courage to break up?
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Probation, sorry, my bad. It was shoplifting, if that is relevant. 1
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Cheap thrill, supposedly, but he never did feel anything from it in the end. I don't know just how much; I didn't want to ask because he wasn't proud of it. The frequency wasn't important since I did verify that it was indeed for shoplifting. Why is that relevant? 1
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Maybe he is, in your eyes, but he has been completely devoted to me for the last few years. I don't want to break up with him when he is all alone, but I can't get through to him. And everyday is spent wondering if he is ok, or whether he is choosing to break up with me by disappearing. He has never shown such signs of heartlessness, which is why I think it's the depression, and I really want to help him, which is why I'm hoping for some advice.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I trigger his depression. I know it because he has only pulled episodes of disappearing from the world (work, family, friends) when things are not right between us. Nothing else in these years has made him disappear so I am certainly responsible for it. And it makes me feel very guilty that I couldn't let go of the trust issue, that I'd raged at him so much. He'd put up with it on a near-daily basis for two months before this happened. I struggle with my own regret and guilt; I know his depression has given him an inferiority complex where he always feels that I can do better than him... I've been told by some people I should let go, for my own sanity, but I'm still teetering on the edge How should I even let him know I'm there? How long should I wait? Should I go?
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Ah. You're never sure when you should let go. It's only afterwards, after you've grieved and dealt with it, that you know it was the right decision. I can't even be sure that it's now time to be grieving...? That's what makes it so hard if I knew it was over I would be crying but at least I know it's over. But he can't seem to bring himself to do it, and I feel too guilty/attached to do it. (Thank you, by the way, for being so patient with me.)
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 True, because he hasn't been open with you. Ok, since it's definitely limbo and you probably couldn't feel much worse than you do right now, here's my advice: Wait one more week. If you don't hear anything, break it off and got NC for 30 days to give yourself some space. After 30 days, make a decision as to what you want to do next. I will definitely try. I will send him just one more letter within this week. He has ignored me for 10 days before as well, citing how he couldn't face up to me for breaking my trust- he came back at that point apparently because my birthday was coming up, and I had finals too. But back then he was still checking his email. Now he isn't. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's the depression. I can't tell if he's playing mind games with me. I don't quite know how guys work, I've heard some just want to be alone when they're stressed. It's my first relationship so this is really, really hard.
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You deserve better. Please stop making excuses for him and take care of you. Seriously. You. Deserve. Better. Somebody who loves you, depressed or not, will not ignore you like this. It's completely selfish and manipulative. You should not allow him to believe this is okay. This behavior is NOT okay. Now it's time for you to ignore him, go no contact, and find somebody who deserves you. 2
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You deserve better. Please stop making excuses for him and take care of you. Seriously. You. Deserve. Better. Somebody who loves you, depressed or not, will not ignore you like this. It's completely selfish and manipulative. You should not allow him to believe this is okay. This behavior is NOT okay. Now it's time for you to ignore him, go no contact, and find somebody who deserves you. He told me once that he ignores me hoping I will go away to someone who will treat me better. But I know he can't stand the thought. When I talked about having received flowers from someone else a month back, he asked me to stop talking about it. Not angrily, just in a quiet "I don't want to hear about it please just don't say anything" way. You're right that it's selfish. But while he has acknowledged that it hurts me, he seems to think of it as the most "noble" thing to do (since he can't bring himself to talk about breakup.)
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 He told me once that he ignores me hoping I will go away to someone who will treat me better. But I know he can't stand the thought. When I talked about having received flowers from someone else a month back, he asked me to stop talking about it. Not angrily, just in a quiet "I don't want to hear about it please just don't say anything" way. You're right that it's selfish. But while he has acknowledged that it hurts me, he seems to think of it as the most "noble" thing to do (since he can't bring himself to talk about breakup.) He is passively (and manipulatively) telling you to go away. Because he knows he is not in the right place to be in a relationship with you. He wants you to make the decision so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. You should listen to him. I know it's hard to let go. You really do deserve better. 1
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 He shouldn't be ignoring you like this. It's manipulation. I think what you've proposed is a good idea. But 1 more week. That's it. If he comes back, he is to get some help for his depression, he is to treat you better, and if he ever pulls the ignoring crap on you again, dump him immediately and walk away. We teach people how to treat us, and this behaviour is not to be tolerated, regardless of how depressed he is. I wish I could feel so indignant about it. I would rather turn around and hate him for ignoring me than go through days worrying about how he isn't talking to anyone at all and how he's all immersed in self-blame/negativity.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 He is passively (and manipulatively) telling you to go away. Because he knows he is not in the right place to be in a relationship with you. He wants you to make the decision so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. You should listen to him. I know it's hard to let go. You really do deserve better. It feels so wrong to let things go when it's not because either of us doesn't love/care about each other, if you know what I mean...? When one party in the relationship doesn't have his/her heart in the right place? I would accept it if he didn't love me anymore. But on his birthday, just before we stopped talking, he was the one going around town collecting birthday discounts to buy me a whole basket of presents. It feels like this could all be worked out but he complicates things so much. Maybe I do deserve better but it hurts so much to let things go when everything still feels so right.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I revise my statement. Dump him. Because ...?
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It feels so wrong to let things go when it's not because either of us doesn't love/care about each other, if you know what I mean...? When one party in the relationship doesn't have his/her heart in the right place? I would accept it if he didn't love me anymore. But on his birthday, just before we stopped talking, he was the one going around town collecting birthday discounts to buy me a whole basket of presents. It feels like this could all be worked out but he complicates things so much. Maybe I do deserve better but it hurts so much to let things go when everything still feels so right. Please, let me tell you as a person who was severely depressed when they met their ex.... He is in NO space to be in a relationship. He may want to be, but he's not. He cannot love you if he doesn't love himself. Doesn't matter what nice gestures he's done to try and show you that he cares. He's just not there. I speak as somebody who has been depressed and empty, while desperately wanting to love somebody who definitely loved me. It's just not possible. Please stop trying to grasp on. It does you no good. I'm really sorry.
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 He tells you that he withdraws from you because he wants you to find someone better. He hasn't got the balls to be a man and break up with you. So he ignores you, hoping you'll do his dirty work. So do it. Dump him. Yep. Pretty much that.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 He's just not there. I speak as somebody who has been depressed and empty, while desperately wanting to love somebody who definitely loved me. And does this work the same way if the depressive episode is triggered by someone you love ...? Because he wasn't empty with me. He never was. He was the one who pursued me, he spent all his time with me, and he was definitely happy whenever he was with me. It's why I blame myself so much; it's also why I wonder if these occurrences are truly depressive episodes. But there seems to be no other explanation for this running away from life (not just me, but life itself.)
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I didn't want to let him go either. But I had to. It's possible to love someone so much, you want to let them go. I'm sorry if I'm going to sound stubborn, I think I understand what you mean by letting go of the relationship to give both parties a chance to breathe. But he'd be heartbroken. I know he would. It really makes me miserable to think that I'd be adding salt to his wounds.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Well... no. I let him go permanently. It was never going to work. He might be heartbroken, but how do you feel in this relationship right now? Not the way you should, that's for sure. You worry a lot about him, but are you looking after yourself? Are you doing what is in your best interests? I realized it's permanent, though going by your posts I'm sure it was a completely rational decision. I don't feel okay at all, not when I'm being ignored, of course. But then again, I'm not the one suffering from depression :/
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 And does this work the same way if the depressive episode is triggered by someone you love ...? Because he wasn't empty with me. He never was. He was the one who pursued me, he spent all his time with me, and he was definitely happy whenever he was with me. It's why I blame myself so much; it's also why I wonder if these occurrences are truly depressive episodes. But there seems to be no other explanation for this running away from life (not just me, but life itself.) BULL CRAP. You are not the cause of his depressive episode. You are not. You're just not. Knock that off. You will do yourself no good believing that. He was hiding in you. Big difference. 1
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 BULL CRAP. You are not the cause of his depressive episode. You are not. You're just not. Knock that off. You will do yourself no good believing that. He was hiding in you. Big difference. What do you mean by "hiding in you"?
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 What do you mean by "hiding in you"? You're a distraction for him in his depressed state. Perhaps he's finding his way out of his depressed state... and realizing you don't fit in his non-depressed state. Pretty typical. Been there, done that. 1
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You're a distraction for him in his depressed state. Perhaps he's finding his way out of his depressed state... and realizing you don't fit in his non-depressed state. A distraction for three years odd, that spiked both happiness and unhappiness in him? If he doesn't care for me anymore, why can't he just tell me, even if through text? If he were out of depression, wouldn't he turn his phone on or get on with his life...?
aisuru Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 A distraction for three years odd, that spiked both happiness and unhappiness in him? If he doesn't care for me anymore, why can't he just tell me, even if through text? If he were out of depression, wouldn't he turn his phone on or get on with his life...? Tell us what you think? A 3 year old relationship and he's ignored you for this long right now? Really? You don't believe you deserve better? Why are you justifying his silence? This is hard to hear, but he does not want to be with you right now. He doesn't. I'm sorry.
Author orchids Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Humans hate confrontation. If this is the first relationship for both of you, there is going to be a certain amount of 'cocking it up' on both sides. He can't do the hard thing, because he can't do much of anything right now. So you eed to do it, if you want to be free. It's the first for me. He's always been very gentle with me in our relationship, giving in etc, because he knows that. It's not the first for him, but his previous exes ditched him (for entirely different reasons). He has cut off contact with people before, just abruptly stopped taking their calls and texting them - but his phone stayed on and he was moving on with life as per normal, just ignoring them. But he did promise me before that he would break up with me to my face if it ever came to that. That's partly why I'm so sad and confused.
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