Men of LS, what would you have done?

[LeGenDary_Man]

Your post makes absolutely no sense. I wanted the perks of marriage? What? Ughhhh, no I didn't . Why did I get in the relationship with her in the first place? are you serious ?

She refused to have sex with you (because you could not meet her relationship based expectations) and you dumped her in response. So isn't sex one of the major perks of marriage that you were expecting for free?

 

Hear that people? Apparently you are not allowed to date unless you intend to get married.

Nobody is stopping you from dating. Hello? Will you stop over-reacting?

 

My point is that what benefits you can offer to a female in a relationship? Do you have good job? Your own property? Commitment? I hope you get my drift here.

 

You clearly are misunderstanding the entire situation . At no point in time did I treat her like a sex object. At no point did I demand or express that I was leaving because she said I couldn't have sex with her.

 

The lack of sex was not the problem. The REFUSAL of sex was. It hurt me because it made me feel like she felt her desire to have her way trumped her desire to be intimate with me.

 

Its not that we were not having sex, its the fact that she no longer WANTED to have sex. I was offended and hurt, and felt like I was unworthy of intimacy in her eyes.

You are contradicting yourself. She refused to have sex with you and you dumped her in response. As I pointed out before, she isn't obligated to have sex with you as per your desire. She wasn't your wife. So you felt hurt from her refusal but didn't you hurt her by dumping her? Ever wondered what she thinks about you?

 

She may have made such a decision in emotional mental state; you cannot predict her future course-of-action on the basis of decisions like these.

 

I thought it was so odd that a sweet loving person had this dark possessive side.

Oh please! You need to grow-up instead of being so sensitive. How will you pull-on in a marriage?

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Keenly]

She refused to have sex with you (because you could not meet her relationship based expectations) and you dumped her in response. So isn't sex one of the major perks of marriage that you were expecting for free?

 

sex is not a perk of marriage in society today. That's a thing of the past. You keep saying I expect something for free, but relationships should not be a "I give you x so now you owe me y" both parties should WANT the things they do .

Nobody is stopping you from dating. Hello? Will you stop over-reacting?

 

I'll stop overreacting as soon as I actually over react. You were the one who asked why I dated her in the first place. I dated her because I was 17, and I liked her. That's the only reason anyone needs to date anyone , because they like them.

 

My point is that what benefits you can offer to a female in a relationship? Do you have good job? Your own property? Commitment? I hope you get my drift here.

Jesus, a relationship is not a business contract where one person brings something to the table if the other person offers something. Its called emotions. Feelings. Love. We didn't give each other anything except love , affection, comfort, and admiration. If you honestly feel like its a responsibility in a relationship of basically teenagers to provide income then I truly pity you. I gave her the feeling of being protected and cared for.

 

You are contradicting yourself. She refused to have sex with you and dumped her in response. As I pointed out before, she isn't obligated to have sex with you as per your desire. She wasn't your wife. So you felt hurt from her refusal but didn't you hurt her by dumping her? Ever wondered what she thinks about you?

pay more attention, because its like the fourth time I have said it. I loved her with all of my heart, I did NOT leave her because she would not have sex with me. I left her because she no longer DESIRED me. She didn't like ME for ME, instead she wanted me to turn into what SHE wanted, and used sex and affection as a weapon to manipulate my behavior to get her way. I left her because she started getting insanely jealous and insecure, getting mad because I didn't text back within 12 minutes, getting mad because I didn't come to see her EVERY DAY after work, getting mad because I wanted to see my friends instead of hang out with her. I never once said she was obligated to have sex with me, but choices have consequences. She chose not to have sex anymore. As a consequence of that choice, my feelongs were deeply hurt because I no longer felt desired as a mate and a lover.

She may have made such a decision in emotional mental state; you cannot predict her future course-of-action on the basis of decisions like these.

 

 

Oh please! You need to grow-up instead of being so sensitive. How will you pull-on in a marriage?

 

Next time you go out on a date, make sure you ask her what she is bringing to the table on the relationship .

 

You are also making the assumption that my story was my primary reason for leaving her, but it was not. I left her because of her always making me feel bad for stupid things. Not texting back, not remembering our MONTHLY anniversaries, not being allowed to choose what activities we did together, her getting jealous me looking at women on TV..... that's right , television. If we were watching TV, and a nude scene came on, she would get mad at me. This is not healthy.

 

How dare I break up with her because I have a backbone, and stand up for myself and my feelings ! How could I have been such a horrible person to stand up for myself !

Edited June 7, 2013 by Keenly

[xxoo]

All I felt was rejection and sadness, as well as I felt like I was lured in with acceptance, and then held hostage to change.

 

I see that she changed. Especially considering her age at the time (16-19), change should be expected.

 

Why do you feel you were held hostage to anything? It sounds like she was straightforward about her boundaries. Were you less so?

 

Also--you took your gf to Crank 2 and were upset that she thought it was filth? What did you expect?

[LeGenDary_Man]

sex is not a perk of marriage in society today. That's a thing of the past.

What are the perks of marriage in society today?

 

You keep saying I expect something for free, but relationships should not be a "I give you x so now you owe me y" both parties should WANT the things they do .

I never stated that relationships are black and white or like business transactions. Relationship is a very complex form of bonding between two individuals which involves all aspects of their lives. I fully understand that your relationship began as a love-interest but your (ex) had some expectations from it too.

 

Both parties WANT things to do, right? What did she "wanted" from you?

 

I'll stop overreacting as soon as I actually over react. You were the one who asked why I dated her in the first place. I dated her because I was 17, and I liked her. That's the only reason anyone needs to date anyone , because they like them.

And the relationship didn't work out, correct?

 

I am not criticizing your choice to enter this relationship. I am criticizing your attempt to paint your (ex) like a control freak or something. You were not in the position to offer her a fulfilling relationship and you dumped her when she decided to stop being intimate with you. In short, you are being shallow here for criticizing her for her decision.

 

Jesus, a relationship is not a business contract where one person brings something to the table if the other person offers something. Its called emotions. Feelings. Love. We didn't give each other anything except love , affection, comfort, and admiration. If you honestly feel like its a responsibility in a relationship of basically teenagers to provide income then I truly pity you. I gave her the feeling of being protected and cared for.

Genius, relationships are not just based on "romance" but also "expectations." When "expectations" in a relationship are not met, relationships can fail. Love alone cannot secure a relationship.

 

pay more attention, because its like the fourth time I have said it. I loved her with all of my heart, I did NOT leave her because she would not have sex with me. I left her because she no longer DESIRED me. She didn't like ME for ME, instead she wanted me to turn into what SHE wanted, and used sex and affection as a weapon to manipulate my behavior to get her way. I left her because she started getting insanely jealous and insecure, getting mad because I didn't text back within 12 minutes, getting mad because I didn't come to see her EVERY DAY after work, getting mad because I wanted to see my friends instead of hang out with her. I never once said she was obligated to have sex with me, but choices have consequences. She chose not to have sex anymore. As a consequence of that choice, my feelongs were deeply hurt because I no longer felt desired as a mate and a lover.

Riiiight! Every smart person knows that their is always two sides of a story. I bet that if she is given a chance to explain her side of story; their will be some interesting revelations from her end as well.

 

For 3 years, she was an angel to you. And you are pointing out that she suddenly turned in to an abusive control freak. Give me a break. It is hard to trust people these days.

 

Next time you go out on a date, make sure you ask her what she is bringing to the table on the relationship .

Thanks for your advice but I don't need it actually. My life is good.

 

Here is a sincere advice for you: educate yourself about ground realities of relationships if you plan to get married in your life.

 

You are also making the assumption that my story was my primary reason for leaving her, but it was not. I left her because of her always making me feel bad for stupid things. Not texting back, not remembering our MONTHLY anniversaries, not being allowed to choose what activities we did together, her getting jealous me looking at women on TV..... that's right , television. If we were watching TV, and a nude scene came on, she would get mad at me. This is not healthy.

 

How dare I break up with her because I have a backbone, and stand up for myself and my feelings ! How could I have been such a horrible person to stand up for myself !

Seriously! You cannot fool me with arguments like these. Every person have good days and bad days; every person goes through psychological phases in life. Ask those who have been married for a long time.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Keenly]

What are the perks of marriage in society today?

 

 

I never stated that relationships are black and white or like business transactions. Relationship is a very complex form of bonding between two individuals which involves all aspects of their lives. I fully understand that your relationship began as a love-interest but your (ex) had some expectations from it too.

 

Both parties WANT things to do, right? What did she "wanted" from you?

 

 

And the relationship didn't work out, correct?

 

I am not criticizing your choice to enter this relationship. I am criticizing your attempt to paint your (ex) like a control freak or something. You were not in the position to offer her a fulfilling relationship and you dumped her when she decided to stop being intimate with you. In short, you are being shallow here for criticizing her for her decision.

 

 

Genius, relationships are not just based on "romance" but also "expectations." When "expectations" in a relationship are not met, relationships can fail. Love alone cannot secure a relationship.

 

 

Riiiight! Every smart person knows that their is always two sides of a story. I bet that if she is given a chance to explain her side of story; their will be some interesting revelations from her end as well.

 

For 3 years, she was an angel to you. And you are pointing out that she suddenly turned in to an abusive control freak. Give me a break. It is hard to trust people these days.

 

 

Thanks for your advice but I don't need it actually. My life is good.

 

Here is a sincere advice for you: educate yourself about ground realities of relationships.

 

Ill get right on that buddy. I better hurry since I have a first date tomorrow. I must be doomed!

[tbf]

I'm not seeing right/wrong, who's the victim in this situation. The two were immature adults who made decisions that resulted in the cessation of their relationship.

 

Keenly wasn't entitled to sex and his ex wasn't entitled to marriage. *shrugs*

[Keenly]

If some one were to ask what was the real cause of the downfall of our relationship , it was her going away to school in socal.

She suggested it but discarded it because she didn't want to leave me. I pushed her to follow her dreams. The distance changed us both and we came back to different people. It happens.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Ill get right on that buddy. I better hurry since I have a first date tomorrow. I must be doomed!

One more thing; relationships cannot last without compromises. In long-lasting relationships, situations/conditions often develop which require compromise from one or both individuals involved. Absolute equality in a relationship is impossible.

 

You compromise for a commitment, not satisfaction.

 

Here is an excellent read: Relationship Compromise Linked To Commitment, Not Satisfaction, Study Finds

 

Good luck with your date.

 

If some one were to ask what was the real cause of the downfall of our relationship , it was her going away to school in socal. She suggested it but discarded it because she didn't want to leave me. I pushed her to follow her dreams. The distance changed us both and we came back to different people. It happens.

This is enlightening revelation. Thanks for sharing with us.

 

Yes, people grow and change with passage of time. Your (ex) did seemed to be committed to you. However, you never know what decision you will make will change the dynamic of your relationship forever. But people learn from mistakes and examples.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Keenly]

One more thing; relationships cannot last without compromises. In long-lasting relationships, situations/conditions often develop which require compromise from one or both individuals involved. Absolute equality in a relationship is impossible.

 

You compromise for a commitment, not satisfaction.

 

Here is an excellent read: Relationship Compromise Linked To Commitment, Not Satisfaction, Study Finds

 

Good luck with your date.

 

I agree with you on compromises. But there are situations in which there is no such option.

 

Pregnancy, living together, and getting married ate a few examples where there is no middle ground.

[xxoo]

If some one were to ask what was the real cause of the downfall of our relationship , it was her going away to school in socal.

She suggested it but discarded it because she didn't want to leave me. I pushed her to follow her dreams. The distance changed us both and we came back to different people. It happens.

 

You were young. You're still young. Don't be too hard on yourself, or her. It didn't work out, but that is no reason to vilify your ex.

[LeGenDary_Man]

You were young. You're still young. Don't be too hard on yourself, or her. It didn't work out, but that is no reason to vilify your ex.

This....

 

Well said.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I agree with you on compromises. But there are situations in which there is no such option.

 

Pregnancy, living together, and getting married ate a few examples where there is no middle ground.

Every relationship begins with mutual understanding on certain aspects of life between two individuals.

 

It is impossible to have a relationship with a non-compatible partner. Both individuals learn to adjust with each other's desires and expectations and vice versa.

 

Key point is that relationships are about commitment and not just satisfaction. The latter is just a component/perk of a fulfilling relationship. Commitment does not comes automatically; we have to work hard for maintain it.

[Roweena]

I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend.

 

 

I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I.

 

Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies.

 

To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship .

 

I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her.

 

 

Men, would you have done the same ?

 

She was manipulating you. Think about it. She readily gave you sex, got you hooked, and then tried to emotionally blackmail you. You dodged a bullet. Rejoice.

[Keenly]

You were young. You're still young. Don't be too hard on yourself, or her. It didn't work out, but that is no reason to vilify your ex.

 

You are completely right. She really shouldn't be vilified as a person, because she is a wonderful positive up best woman who will be the best mom anyone has ever seen one day. I went too far with this thread maybe that I started just to see what people would think about the sex part.

 

I certainly wish no Ill will toward her and I don't want her back or anything. Just want to learnfrom my experiences in hopes of being the best lover I can be one day. I certain lay had my favor share of flaws back when this relationship took place, and have probably developed even more since then.

 

For example... she really wanted to go salsa dancing, and I flat out refused. For months. I should have just done it lol.

 

But on not beating myself up for any of this, it was a fantastic ride while it lasted, my first love, and I learned so much about relationships from it. I am happy to have had her in my life .

[ThaWholigan]

Awwww.

 

Where's that clip of Mike Tyson talking about Robin Givens when you need it

 

"We were just 2 dumb kids, we weren't right for each other". He actually spoke glowingly of her.

[sillyanswer]

Men, would you have done the same ?

 

Yes.

 

 

 

(more letters)

[youngnlove89]

My first boyfriend was when I was 15. I was a virgin, I don't remember if he was or not. But he wanted to take my virginity, I wasn't ready. He left me 3 months later. I was so sad. But it was okay. He ended up dating my friend and she gave him what he wanted. What a friend, huh?

 

We are still Facebook friends, and he has apologized for how he treated me back then. I said no worries, good riddance and moved on my merry little way.

 

Sometimes men don't realize what they have until their penis moves out of the way.

 

[joystickd]

Actually, yea. I don't think you would have married her no matter what she did or didn't do... or how long she was patient. Three years? You just weren't that into her... and when the sex stopped you proved it.

 

No biggie. You both are better off.

He probably would have if she would have really thought logically about it. Two twenty somethings cohabiting just out of high school. I mean really the relationship wouldn't have lasted. She gave the ultimatum instead of really being mature and it ran him away. Sex comes up in the conversation and you assume it was the reason he left. He was obviously into her and was in love. Three years is a long time to be with someone if you are not that into her. As a woman you can't assume every man is out here trying to use women because we all are not like that. It showed her true character when she used emotion and manipulation to get what she wanted. Why are you not saying the women had bad behavior for the ultimatum and jumping all on the man?

[joystickd]

I think after she went off to college she wanted to end things with you but like most women they hate to be the bad guy and end it. It's preferred that they create an environment where the man will end it because it's more beneficial to them. I mean you see on here with Red Robin's initial reaction.

[KungFuJoe]

Keenly,

 

Dude, you did the right thing 100%. I know you might have some "regrets" which is why you created this thread, but you just saved yourself a TON of heartache.

 

Let me put it this way...I wish *I* did the right thing like you did instead of wasting four years of my life over a girl that was most definitely wrong for me.

 

My situation was different, but the bottomline is the same. Don't waste time with someone that is obviously wrong for you.

[Eggplant]

Your ex-girlfriend didn't handle the situation well. Instead of refusing sex, she should have simply broken up with you altogether, and expressed deep sorrow at having to do so. She should have explained how badly she wanted to get married, and her fears. You would have talked about it. You would have told her you weren't ready. And you could have mutually agreed to part ways. Or stay friends.

 

Instead she hurt your ego. Being rejected like that hurts, no matter how strong the rational brain may be. As a woman, I can attest the not all women understand intuitively how big of an emotional blow it is for men to be turned down for sex. She was young and probably didn't mean for it to have that effect. She absolutely desired you -- she was with you 3 years. Don't think you were unattractive to her. She just didn't handle it well.

 

And at 20, I think it's reasonable to want to wait longer to get married.

[Els]

Your post makes absolutely no sense. I wanted the perks of marriage? What? Ughhhh, no I didn't . Why did I get in the relationship with her in the first place? are you serious ?

 

 

Hear that people? Apparently you are not allowed to date unless you intend to get married.

 

 

You clearly are misunderstanding the entire situation . At no point in time did I treat her like a sex object. At no point did I demand or express that I was leaving because she said I couldn't have sex with her.

 

I don't think Legendary said that you 'aren't allowed to date' (frankly, who can tell a fellow adult that? ) unless you intend to get married, but rather that if you date someone for such a long time without the relationship progressing, things aren't likely to end well for you both unless the other person is in exactly the same frame of mind as you are with regards to timelines. Obviously your ex wasn't. Seems like she wasn't even asking for marriage, either, only cohabitation. Cohabitation is easier to leave than a marriage (even though it isn't exactly a walk in the park, either) and, depending on personal views of cohabitation, many people, especially the younger generation, do cohabitate for years before marriage.

 

The lack of sex was not the problem. The REFUSAL of sex was. It hurt me because it made me feel like she felt her desire to have her way trumped her desire to be intimate with me.

 

Its not that we were not having sex, its the fact that she no longer WANTED to have sex. I was offended and hurt, and felt like I was unworthy of intimacy in her eyes.

 

Yes, and she was probably offended and hurt that you didn't want to move in with her after 3 years, and she handled that wrongly. Both of you have a valid reason to feel 'unworthy', and neither one trumps the other. In the end, you were both simply wanting the R to move in two entirely different directions, so you ended up splitting up, like so many couples do in their early 20s.

 

In the future, though, especially as you are much older now, it would be a good idea to let a woman know up-front if you only intend to date her casually, and cohabitation and marriage isn't even on the table in the foreseeable future. Because, yes, while I do think you and your ex were rather young at that time to be getting an apartment together, most women would certainly be questioning your commitment given your timeline. Would save both of you a lot of time with the wrong person.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Elswyth

[joystickd]

 

In the future, though, especially as you are much older now, it would be a good idea to let a woman know up-front if you only intend to date her casually, and cohabitation and marriage isn't even on the table in the foreseeable future. Because, yes, while I do think you and your ex were rather young at that time to be getting an apartment together, most women would certainly be questioning your commitment given your timeline. Would save both of you a lot of time with the wrong person.

I don't think it was casual. I mean 3 years isnt casual. The thing is she wanted to live together. Honestly she knew where the relationship was going and knew he wasn't ready to live together. He communicated the reason why which was a valid reason why and at that time living together would have been a reason for the relationship to end because they were both young and both trying to go to school. She got caught up in emotion and didn't really think. He still wanted the relationship. The thing is commitment isn't about a ring or living together it's about two people that are dedicated to each other. The fact that he stayed with his parents doesn't change that. If she was really into him she would have understood that and been more understanding and willing to compromise.

 

 

Why you women trying to make this guy out to be the bad guy because he didn't live with her? He was honest and didn't try to manipulate. Hell he tried to stay after she told him that. When you look at it she was wanting out of this relationship but wasn't mature enough to communicate that, but you come across a lot of women that are not mature enough to really communicate things like that.

[Keenly]

It was based upon sex, because when she withdrew it you dumped her...I find girls that do this do it because they sense their man isnt committed to them emotionally as much as they want.

 

Very few young guys are really emotionally invested in their gf's a strong amount. Guys cannot marry someone that young because they always need to see what else is out there and feel they arent manly if they dont screw a bunch of women

 

 

You clearly didn't read any of my posts.

 

 

Alright, I will work with this logic. It's clear that all people that have been cheated on is their own fault. They entered into a relationship, and then they got cheated on. Therefore, it is their fault.

 

 

Do you see how stupid that sounds?

[Els]

I don't think it was casual. I mean 3 years isnt casual. The thing is she wanted to live together. Honestly she knew where the relationship was going and knew he wasn't ready to live together. He communicated the reason why which was a valid reason why and at that time living together would have been a reason for the relationship to end because they were both young and both trying to go to school. She got caught up in emotion and didn't really think. He still wanted the relationship. The thing is commitment isn't about a ring or living together it's about two people that are dedicated to each other. The fact that he stayed with his parents doesn't change that. If she was really into him she would have understood that and been more understanding and willing to compromise.

 

 

Why you women trying to make this guy out to be the bad guy because he didn't live with her? He was honest and didn't try to manipulate. Hell he tried to stay after she told him that. When you look at it she was wanting out of this relationship but wasn't mature enough to communicate that, but you come across a lot of women that are not mature enough to really communicate things like that.

 

If you actually read my post, you'll see that I absolutely did not say he was the 'bad guy'. Simply that BOTH of them had a reason to feel hurt, and she handled her feelings of hurt wrongly. How you interpreted that to mean 'making him out to be the bad guy', I have no idea. You're generalizing people's posts an awful lot by gender, aren't you?

 

As for the bolded, the 'if she was really into him' line is quite a red herring, don't you think? You could say the same about ANY other needs that people have in a relationship. 'If he was really into her, he would have understood her desire to not have sex until they were married and compromised'. 'If he was really into her, he would have overlooked the fact that she gained 200 lbs and worked on being more attracted to her'. And so on and so forth. Obviously false and quite a disingenious thing to say, as you can see.

 

The fact remains that many women do see cohabitation or marriage as an important part of commitment. Not all do, but many do. There is no way around the fact that if you've been with a woman for 3 years, chances are they will want either of the above, or even both. If she is more mature, she will communicate her desire for it, listen to your timeline, then make the decision to stay or go based on whether or not she feels she is able to accept it. If she is 19, chances are she won't have the maturity to do so. Regardless, her desire for cohabitation/marriage and her unhappiness at being denied it, was no more or less valid than the OP's desire for sex and his unhappiness at being denied it. So we can rail against the OP's ex's immaturity all we like, which is true, but won't do him any good - or we can talk about what he can learn from this going forward.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Elswyth