Men of LS, what would you have done?

[RedRobin]

There is no "progressing" at that age. She wanted too much too fast, and we were both waaaaaay too young for that. Get married at 20? I dot think so.

 

 

Because I want to know what other guys would have done .

 

Ok... you aren't obliged to marry anyone.

 

... just remember that no one 'owes' you anything though. She doesn't 'owe' you her body. You don't 'owe' her commitment.

 

You were at an impasse. I agree though, lots of guys would have just bailed because they aren't in so-called relationships because they really care about the woman anyway... so no loss on her part either.

 

She went about things in an immature fashion, but either way, she's free to find someone who can commit to her now. And you are free to go have all the non-committal sex you want as well.

 

Win-win.

 

P.s. Nearly all of my family married their HS or college sweethearts... and are still married to this day...

[InJest]

RedRobin, what she did was not only immature, it was controlling and manipulative. How was the OP being non-committal toward her? He had valid reasons for not wanting to move in, and there is no indication that he was not committed to her.

[Keenly]

Ok... you aren't obliged to marry anyone.

 

... just remember that no one 'owes' you anything though. She doesn't 'owe' you her body. You don't 'owe' her commitment.

 

You were at an impasse. I agree though, lots of guys would have just bailed because they aren't in so-called relationships because they really care about the woman anyway... so no loss on her part either.

 

She went about things in an immature fashion, but either way, she's free to find someone who can commit to her now. And you are free to go have all the non-committal sex you want as well.

 

Win-win.

 

P.s. Nearly all of my family married their HS or college sweethearts... and are still married to this day...

 

You sure are good at that condescending way of writing.

 

Frankly the bold offends me, I don't spend 3 years in a relationship based only upon sex. To imply she didn't lose anything would offend her as well, as she loved me more than anything, as made clear by the way she handled the breakup.

[Keenly]

RedRobin, what she did was not only immature, it was controlling and manipulative. How was the OP being non-committal toward her? He had valid reasons for not wanting to move in, and there is no indication that he was not committed to her.

 

 

It's simple really, I'm a man that left a woman because she wouldn't have sex with me.

 

That is all she really sees.

[RedRobin]

RedRobin, what she did was not only immature, it was controlling and manipulative. How was the OP being non-committal toward her? He had valid reasons for not wanting to move in, and there is no indication that he was not committed to her.

 

Where I come from commitment = marriage

 

I realize that some people think serial monogamy = commitment, but I don't. All that means is you aren't having sex with someone else.

 

It doesn't matter what either of their reasons are. They weren't on the same page. No reason for anyone to get upset really.

 

Here's the deal though... I'm betting the OP knew much sooner than three years that she was wanted to marry her first love. The fact that it lasted as long as it did was likely a function of her resilience too.

 

Anyway, this is why I tell people not to get involved with people whose relationship goals are different... no matter how attractive they appear.

[RedRobin]

It's simple really, I'm a man that left a woman because she wouldn't have sex with me.

 

That is all she really sees.

 

Actually, yea. I don't think you would have married her no matter what she did or didn't do... or how long she was patient. Three years? You just weren't that into her... and when the sex stopped you proved it.

 

No biggie. You both are better off.

[InJest]

Actually, yea. I don't think you would have married her no matter what she did or didn't do... or how long she was patient. Three years? You just weren't that into her... and when the sex stopped you proved it.

 

No biggie. You both are better off.

 

You expect this kid to get married before he can even take care of himself properly? That's a huge reason young couples divorce quickly. They rush into marriage and then realize they can't manage everything on their plate. Aren't finances a #1 or #2 cause of divorce? He did stay with her for 4 months after the sex stopped. She was being a manipulative bitch, plain and simple.

[SJC2008]

Actually, yea. I don't think you would have married her no matter what she did or didn't do... or how long she was patient. Three years? You just weren't that into her... and when the sex stopped you proved it.

 

No biggie. You both are better off.

 

So because he didn't move in or marry her he just wanted her for sex? It was an adolescent relationship that transcended to early 20's. She wanted more and she didn't. She should of broken up with him because he didn't want to take things tonthe next level (his right btw). Instead she tried to get him to concede by cutting of the sex and it didn't work. I give him credit to because women who use sex as a weapon think that's all they have to offer and are usually control freaks, a friend of mine is married to a woman like this. He wasn't ready to have a kid so she cut off the sex. He conceded and had a kid. Now all of a sudden his job transferred them to her hometown! Hmm? He's on his way to a sexless marriage because she'll eventually lose respect for him for bending all the time.

[RedRobin]

You expect this kid to get married before he can even take care of himself properly? That's a huge reason young couples divorce quickly. They rush into marriage and then realize they can't manage everything on their plate. Aren't finances a #1 or #2 cause of divorce? He did stay with her for 4 months after the sex stopped. She was being a manipulative bitch, plain and simple.

 

RedRobin this same girl probably fcked the next guy she dated right away no engagement. This same girl is probably still isn't married. You have no substance to your argument.

 

So because he didn't move in or marry her he just wanted her for sex? It was an adolescent relationship that transcended to early 20's. She wanted more and she didn't. She should of broken up with him because he didn't want to take things tonthe next level (his right btw). Instead she tried to get him to concede by cutting of the sex and it didn't work. I give him credit to because women who use sex as a weapon think that's all they have to offer and are usually control freaks, a friend of mine is married to a woman like this. He wasn't ready to have a kid so she cut off the sex. He conceded and had a kid. Now all of a sudden his job transferred them to her hometown! Hmm? He's on his way to a sexless marriage because she'll eventually lose respect for him for bending all the time.

 

yea, I get it that a lot of men are terrified of ending up in sexless marriages.

 

Thing is, a lot of men are also used to the idea that they don't have to do sh*t to keep a relationship healthy either...

 

There is a healthy balance in there somewhere. Figure it out. I already know what it looks like... have lots of good examples all around me.

[ThaWholigan]

yea, I get it that a lot of men are terrified of ending up in sexless marriages.

 

Thing is, a lot of men are also used to the idea that they don't have to do sh*t to keep a relationship healthy either...

 

There is a healthy balance in there somewhere. Figure it out. I already know what it looks like... have lots of good examples all around me.

I hear where you're coming from, but it's not that simple. He may have seen a future with her, but wasn't moving at a pace that she felt comfortable with. He was too slow, she was too fast. I think that whatever issue is cropping up in a relationship, sex is always the first thing to suffer and at such a young age, sex is also likely to be the thing that causes separation.

 

It's easy to paint this as a "well men obviously just want the sex etc etc", but as much as sex is of importance, it's not just sex for sex sake.

 

If he couldn't afford to move out and had a plan for his progression - even if that meant staying at his parents - surely she should have at least had some level of communication where they could meet each other halfway before she decided not to have sex with him. Because that will always go either way, and sometimes the man may actually agree to this stipulation only to have it backfire too. It's not so much terror, as much as it is seen as a possible waste of time.

 

But I agree that there is a healthy balance. My only feeling is that this equilibrium is different for other people. Not everybody is the same. So while the sex was an important issue, it was a major symptom of the bigger issue of incompatibility with goals and youthful immaturity leading to a break down in communication.

[BluEyeL]

They were too young, RedRobin. That was bound to end, it's a true classic.

[ThaWholigan]

They were too young, RedRobin. That was bound to end, it's a true classic.

Sometimes it's not just youth - as RedRobin mentioned, most of the couples she is used to were married very young themselves. Different demographic mostly.

 

If I were in this situation, communication would have been key here. I don't know if I'd have stuck around for 4 months (maybe I would have, who knows), but OP at least tried to meet her halfway. Did she not attempt to understand where he was coming from?

[fortyninethousand322]

Usually, when a young person stops having sex with the person they are dating it means they are still having sex...but with someone else.

 

Man or woman, it's the same deal.

 

I probably would have stayed in the relationship, but my circumstances are a bit different than OP's...

[Xinreeki]

Seems pretty simple to me, ultimately the two of you weren't compatible.

 

So YES, you made exactly the right decision. If you were no longer compatible then yes, you had to leave her and find someone who was a better match for you.

[Keenly]

Usually, when a young person stops having sex with the person they are dating it means they are still having sex...but with someone else.

 

Man or woman, it's the same deal.

 

I probably would have stayed in the relationship, but my circumstances are a bit different than OP's...

 

I can assure with 100% certainty that she was not the cheating type. She was a good girl. Raised in a good living home with a strong family. She loved me with all of her, I could see it in the way she looked at me .

 

I know there was not any other man in the picture, if there was , this situation would have made more sense.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend.

 

 

I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I.

 

Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies.

 

To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship .

 

I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her.

 

 

Men, would you have done the same ?

So you wanted all the perks of marriage without any major responsibilities at your end? Relationships do not last long in this manner.

 

Relationship works when it is beneficial to both individuals involved. Girlfriend or not, no woman is obligated to offer you sex as per your desire; your (ex) GF was (understandably) expecting more from you and not just sex. Her ultimatum gives you manipulative vibe but keep in mind that she kept you satisfied for 3 years nonetheless; she eventually ran out of patience.

 

If you were not in the position to meet her expectations at such an early age then why did you chose to have a relationship with her in the first place? I understand the phenomenon of high-school crushes and such but I have never given in to them personally.

 

Women should not be treated like sex-objects. If she is shallow for her behavior and choices, you are in the same boat as well.

 

This is why I always advice people (men, in particular) to not get involved in a relationship unless they are in the position to do justice with it.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[landshark]

After the apartment thing she just continued to call you out, man...you did the right thing. Think about being married to this girl, she would continue this type of behavior in ways you can't imagine. Kudos for not falling for it, you did good...

[Phantom888]

I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend.

 

 

I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I.

 

Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies.

 

To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship .

 

I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her.

 

 

Men, would you have done the same ?

 

That was an ultimatum. I guess she no longer wanted to have sex unless you were gonna be her husband for sure. By then you already knew if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. So obviously you didn't see a future with her.

[Keenly]

So you wanted all the perks of marriage without any major responsibilities at your end? Relationships do not last long in this manner.

 

Relationship works when it is beneficial to both individuals involved. Girlfriend or not, no woman is obligated to offer you sex as per your desire; your (ex) GF was (understandably) expecting more from you and not just sex. Her ultimatum gives you manipulative vibe but keep in mind that she kept you satisfied for 3 years nonetheless; she eventually ran out of patience.

 

If you were not in the position to meet her expectations at such an early age then why did you chose to have a relationship with her in the first place? I understand the phenomenon of high-school crushes and such but I have never given in to them personally.

 

Women should not be treated like sex-objects. If she is shallow for her behavior and choices, you are in the same boat as well.

 

This is why I always advice people (men, in particular) to not get involved in a relationship unless they are in the position to do justice with it.

 

Your post makes absolutely no sense. I wanted the perks of marriage? What? Ughhhh, no I didn't . Why did I get in the relationship with her in the first place? are you serious ?

 

 

Hear that people? Apparently you are not allowed to date unless you intend to get married.

 

 

You clearly are misunderstanding the entire situation . At no point in time did I treat her like a sex object. At no point did I demand or express that I was leaving because she said I couldn't have sex with her.

 

 

The lack of sex was not the problem. The REFUSAL of sex was. It hurt me because it made me feel like she felt her desire to have her way trumped her desire to be intimate with me.

 

Its not that we were not having sex, its the fact that she no longer WANTED to have sex. I was offended and hurt, and felt like I was unworthy of intimacy in her eyes.

[GorillaTheater]

P.s. Nearly all of my family married their HS or college sweethearts... and are still married to this day...

 

And they may tell you the same thing I'm about to say.

 

My wife and I married when I was 21 and she was 19, and yes, we are still together decades later. But we sure as hell didn't pick an easy path. How we managed to stick it out while dealing with one another's immaturity and downright stupidity/ignorance is the closest thing to a miracle that I know of. You may have to go through that in any young relationship, but trying to do it as a married couple brings it to a whole new level.

 

Keenly was smarter than I was, and did the right thing.

[RedRobin]

And they may tell you the same thing I'm about to say.

 

My wife and I married when I was 21 and she was 19, and yes, we are still together decades later. But we sure as hell didn't pick an easy path. How we managed to stick it out while dealing with one another's immaturity and downright stupidity/ignorance is the closest thing to a miracle that I know of. You may have to go through that in any young relationship, but trying to do it as a married couple brings it to a whole new level.

 

Keenly was smarter than I was, and did the right thing.

 

People in my family do not have regrets about when or who they married. We don't have religious objections to divorce, or anything like that... so they could have gotten divorced without any stigma or recriminations from anyone. Noone in my family has shamed me or made me feel 'less than' because I'm divorced. Not at all.

 

If anything, we are an extremely pragmatic bunch.

 

They are fortunate to have someone to go through that stupidity/ignorance with (ha ha)

[RedRobin]

I can assure with 100% certainty that she was not the cheating type. She was a good girl. Raised in a good living home with a strong family. She loved me with all of her, I could see it in the way she looked at me .

 

I know there was not any other man in the picture, if there was , this situation would have made more sense.

 

I'm sorry, Keenly.

 

I'm sure you really cared about her. There are a couple of people on this site who are now happily married who chose to abstain from sex prior to marriage even though they had been having lots of sex before then.

 

Beththebutterfly comes to mind.

 

I dunno. If you really need some closure on this, maybe she can explain. It worked for her and her husband. But see... they were both on the same page regarding building a future together. You two weren't.

 

In the big scheme of things, I'd argue it wasn't even about the sex at all (as TW pointed out too). That is just one of the symptoms.

[Keenly]

Its not really closure I'm looking for , as this issue is looooooooong over with both in flesh and mind.

 

I just wanted to know how other people would have reacted. A thread created out of boredom and curiosity really. At the time I didn't even realize that bigger picture of manipulation. All I felt was rejection and sadness, as well as I felt like I was lured in with acceptance, and then held hostage to change.

 

There wereany things that she started off being okay with, but then she would slowly trying to change my behavior, habits? Hobbies, the frequency I would hang out with friends etc.

 

 

There was also an incident that might bring up discussion.

 

 

Now I'm not a harry potter fan, and I had no idea what twilight was back then. She LOVED both of these things. I went with her to three harry potter premiers, because I knew it would make her happy. I didn't complain , I didn't try to get out of it. (I did make fun of the dumb scenes though haha). Then she took me to twilight. She said "its about vampires and werewolves baby" so I thought alright sounds good to me. Of course when I realized what was going on I was horrified. But I still went.

 

Fast forward to midway through our relationship, she was attending UCSD for 8 months, and I spent 400 bucks on a plane ticket to go see her.

 

While I was there, there was a move I really wanted to see, so she agreed to come with me. She got up and left me there at the movies because she thought crank 2 was "a stupid movie she had no interest in finishing, and that I was a pig for enjoying such filth."

 

Sounds pretty fair right ? That was one of the snowballs that started the avalanche of the end.

[landshark]

All about her...sheesh...be glad you're rid of her. From experience, if it was this bad when you were dating, marriage would be 50 times worse. Really walking out of movies? I know you're hurt as am I in my current situation but as I said up in this thread, you can do much much better...

[Keenly]

Don't be so sensitive. It sounds pretty petty to bring this kind of stuff up now.

 

You should have said no or walked out of her movies if you couldn't stomach them. I actually expect most women not to be able to handle a real mans movie. I mean I haven't seen crank but no girl I ever dated could make it through some of the awesome stuff I watch. It's a good thing, means she's a girly girl.

 

I once made a girl shut sex in the city the movie off at the mid point when it became too much to stand.

 

I'm only bringing it up out of boredom, but more so because back then I didn't realize how bad the behavior really was. Only now looking back on it can I see that holy crap that was pretty bad.

 

 

I thought it was so odd that a sweet loving person had this dark possessive side.