Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend. I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I. Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies. To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship . I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her. Men, would you have done the same ?
bafflio Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 How soon did you leave her after she told you no sex? From my experience it takes time people to cool down and all you have to do it wait while trying to coo them.
Eggplant Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 OK, now I understand your emotional blackmail comment on the other thread... 1
Author Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 How soon did you leave her after she told you no sex? From my experience it takes time people to cool down and all you have to do it wait while trying to coo them. Took about four months until I left her. She had become more.... persistent in her attempts to push me.forward into a stage of life I was no where near ready for. It made me uncomfortable.
ThaWholigan Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 She tried to use sex as a bargaining chip for you to speed up and do what she wanted. I think it would have been difficult for most men to sustain the relationship after all that had been between you two. I think if it had been a mutual decision between us (probably unlikely) then it would have been better - there would have been a compromise of some sort, but I reckon that in this case it may not have worked. I think I would have left sooner than you did even. 1
drr6 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Yes, your hand was forced. She can do or pursue whatever she wants. But this approach forced your hand. If you stood by her without the sex, she would have lost respect for you anyhow. And if it wasnt right for you to move in with her, well, c'est la vie.
Author Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 And it was just be cause she took the sex away, it was because she decided on her own to take away what was important and special to me because she wasn't getting her way, and I was NOT being unreasonable .
Imajerk17 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I would have ended it too. And not just because of the sex thing. 20 is just too young to settle down. 1
drr6 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 And it was just be cause she took the sex away, it was because she decided on her own to take away what was important and special to me because she wasn't getting her way, and I was NOT being unreasonable . Right. Obviously the communication and problem solving approach here were not ideal. One she busts that ultimatum on you, it's no-win. 1
ltjg45 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I would have ended it the moment she said there will be no more sex until marriage. You shown mercy. You are a better man than I am.
KungFuJoe Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Easy for me to say it cuz Im not emotionally involved but the smart thing to do would be to run for the hills.
Estate Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend. I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I. Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies. To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship . I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her. Men, would you have done the same ? Yes, you were in different places. Girls with-holding sex is manipulative and thats not the sort of girl you want to be with. At the same time though she wanted to settle down early, you didn't, it would never have worked. Find someone more in tune with your own plan.
USMCHokie Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I would have ended it the moment she said there will be no more sex until marriage. Correct. I would have respectfully shown myself to the door with a chuckle on my face. Easy for me to say it cuz Im not emotionally involved but the smart thing to do would be to run for the hills. My emotional involvement would have likely dropped far enough at that moment to make it an easy choice.
Author Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 This was in 2009 by the way. Just wondered if I was alone in thinking that was all bad.
ltjg45 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 This was in 2009 by the way. Just wondered if I was alone in thinking that was all bad. No. I don't blame you. I just don't deal with ultimatums. If someone gives me one, it's over because it is clear that it's not working out. There's no need to try and fix the mess esp. when the female in question is clearly getting angry over it. I will simply let you go and we both can move on.
Phoe Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 ugh, women who behave like this give females a bad name... incredible that you tried to get past it for 4 more months. commendable effort on your part. too bad she appeared to be giving NO effort... 1
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 What she did was the very definition of manipulation. She failed.
RedRobin Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Took about four months until I left her. She had become more.... persistent in her attempts to push me.forward into a stage of life I was no where near ready for. It made me uncomfortable. You have to give her credit for at least trying to explain what she needed... and I give you credit for sticking it out a bit too. People talk a lot about sex being used as a bargaining chip blah blah... but I can imagine it was more like she was losing trust and respect for you because your commitment wasn't progressing. Would you have preferred she just break up with you? Or start looking around for another guy? She was with you for three years. That was plenty of time for you to know if you wanted to move forward. Your goals were incompatible, that's all... and it doesn't sound like you were willing to budge at all. Your discomfort regarding commitment had nothing to do with her. I don't agree with her solution... ultimatums never work and only produce resentment... but she had every right to wonder where a 3 year relationship is going AND she gave you every opportunity (sounds like) to make your position clear AND she stayed with you to try and work something out. I guess my question is, why do you care now?
Author Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You have to give her credit for at least trying to explain what she needed... and I give you credit for sticking it out a bit too. People talk a lot about sex being used as a bargaining chip blah blah... but I can imagine it was more like she was losing trust and respect for you because your commitment wasn't progressing. Would you have preferred she just break up with you? Or start looking around for another guy? She was with you for three years. That was plenty of time for you to know if you wanted to move forward. Your goals were incompatible, that's all... and it doesn't sound like you were willing to budge at all. Your discomfort regarding commitment had nothing to do with her. I don't agree with her solution... ultimatums never work and only produce resentment... but she had every right to wonder where a 3 year relationship is going AND she gave you every opportunity (sounds like) to make your position clear AND she stayed with you to try and work something out. I guess my question is, why do you care now? There is no "progressing" at that age. She wanted too much too fast, and we were both waaaaaay too young for that. Get married at 20? I dot think so. Because I want to know what other guys would have done .
MidwestUSA Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 There is no "progressing" at that age. She wanted too much too fast, and we were both waaaaaay too young for that. Get married at 20? I dot think so. Because I want to know what other guys would have done . I'm not a guy, but you did the right thing. She gave you an ultimatum, and you chose. You could be married now with two kids, but your have your whole life ahead of you. I don't agree with how she forced your hand, but it worked.
joystickd Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Your discomfort regarding commitment had nothing to do with her. I don't agree with her solution... ultimatums never work and only produce resentment... but she had every right to wonder where a 3 year relationship is going AND she gave you every opportunity (sounds like) to make your position clear AND she stayed with you to try and work something out. I guess my question is, why do you care now? She wasnt trying to work something out because if she was she would have come up with compromise. He made his position clear and she wanted to be manipulative hoping he would see things her way.
tman666 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Haha, I probably would have given her a week to change her mind. If after that she was still holding strong, I'd be out the door... Giving her 4 months was far too generous, in my opinion (though I get that you loved her, and all that, so it's easy for me to sit here and say that I'd leave after a week).
InJest Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It should not have taken you 4 months to break up with her. It should have taken 4 seconds.
Els Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm sitting here finishing out my workday , daydreaming in my cubicle, and I recalled my first serious girlfriend. I was her first (sexually) and she was my first love. I remember the first time we had sex, on Superbowl Sunday of 2008 in my car. We had sex and did sexual things often, and she loved it, as did I. Fast forward 3 years. I was 20 and she was 19. The only real problem we had been having in our relationship thus far was the recurring argument that she wanted me to get an apartment with her, and I kept telling her I not only couldn't afford it, but I felt I wasn't ready to live with not just her, but any woman at that age, and that I wanted to stay at home rent free so school would be easier on me. I could keep less hours at work and focus on my studies. To the point, one day, out of the blue, she told me she no longer wanted to have sex until we got married. I was horrified, as I was no where near ready to get married any time soon. I felt like as soon as she said that, she doomed our relationship . I understand people that want to wait and save themselves, but to have sex frequently, and with great relish, for 3 years, and then to take it away completely? I felt like she had taken 90% of the intimacy out of our relationship and a few months later I had to leave her. Men, would you have done the same ? Eh, you were right to leave her. Saved you both a lot of time and heartache. Simply put, she wanted a deeper commitment than you were willing to put in. After 3 years and no desire to cohabitate on your part, she probably decided that this R wasn't going anywhere. Being all of 19, instead of talking about this with you in a mature manner and breaking things off herself, she decided to go with the ultimatum route. BTW, I would not go around talking in public about having had sex with an underage girl. Even if you were 18 and her 17, not a great idea to let people know about it. There was a recent case about a lesbian girl who was charged for being in that exact same scenario. Best to be safe.
Author Keenly Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 BTW, I would not go around talking in public about having had sex with an underage girl. Even if you were 18 and her 17, not a great idea to let people know about it. There was a recent case about a lesbian girl who was charged for being in that exact same scenario. Best to be safe. Her birthday is in january and mine in september. I'm only older than her for 4 months at a time, and then our ages would be equal. Not something to worry about.
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