lamaga Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 The guy (28) that I (26) have been dating for the past 1,5 months, confessed to me that he has been diagnosed with clinical depression during teenage years, but that he is coping well these days. He also suffers from insomnia since age 7 and I think the two go hand in hand sometimes. He needs special patterns in his life, like go to sleep at a certain time and have his routines and all. He takes medication for the insomnia. (He's very honest about all his issues). He generally is a very sensitive guy, has sensitive skin, is lactose intolerant, has allergies, cries easily, etc... (he cried in front of me 3 times already... maybe I should address that in another post). In stressful situations he can't easily cope, gets frustrated and nervous, and I've noticed that sometimes his self-esteem is not very high... he can't be assertive and he's also very shy... Anyway, I read all this and think... this guy sounds nuts. How can it be I am so attracted to him? I mean, yeah, I know all his positive sides, his great personality, his views on the world, how honest, affectionate and caring he is and how happy he makes me... so I don't really see these other aspects all the time -- (In fact, I feel very lucky to have won his heart, because in my eyes he is perfect). But reading it all at once, if this was somebody else's boyfriend, I'd say he seems like a bad match. What do you guys think? Would this be a deal breaker for you??
MidwestUSA Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I learned early on that my BF was a "whiner", or so I thought. He has IBS, a multitude of joint and muscle pains, frets over the slightest eruption on his face or a hangnail. He cries easily, and I'm talking SOBBING! He told me his ex used to call him a pussy. He is the sweetest, most affectionate man I have ever met, and am now proud to call him my husband. Patience, understanding and communication! Best wishes to you! 3
MrJay10 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 not at all. It really depends if he's worth it though and that's something only you can decide. I used to suffer from severe almost manic depression and pretty bad paranoia when I was a teenager, but somehow every single girl I've been with has told me that whatever girl I end up with will be really lucky and that I was one of the sweetest, most genuine guys they've ever been with. But I think it's cool he's being honest with you though, it probably wasn't easy for him to tell you either. Plus I don't think being sensitive is a bad thing. It can actually be a good thing if you look at it from a different angle. I just think it really depends on if you think he's the kind of guy who's worth it. 1
paigej91 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 It wouldn't be a deal breaker if he's been acting normal the whole time. Only time will tell with him, I guess. Usually disabilities (including mental ones) can be kind of apparent visually. If he "looked" mentally unstable, then yes, it might be a deal breaker. I stopped dating a guy once because he looked like a depressed alcoholic.
MrRightNow Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 The crying part is pretty bizarre. Three times in six weeks? I don't think I could deal with that much drama from a woman, especially so early in the relationship. 1
Phantom888 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 The depression thing is no big deal. Medication can control it. The crying isn't a huge deal either. Just means he's really sensitive. Now what is a big deal is YOUR perception of him as your man. Are you okay with a seemingly "weak" man? This is purely personal choice, so there is no right answer. Also, do you put greatest value on the fact that he sees you as "perfect"? Sounds like a sweet guy, so if you are into bad boys, he's not it. It's really up to you to decide if his issues are dealbreakers.
MsSmurf Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It really depends on your desire and ability to accommodate his needs and crying jags. I learned it doesn't work for me after dating a guy like this and that's fine. I cut him loose so we could both find a better fit. If you can deal and you're into him then it shouldn't be a problem.
Author lamaga Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 The depression thing is no big deal. Medication can control it. The crying isn't a huge deal either. Just means he's really sensitive. Now what is a big deal is YOUR perception of him as your man. Are you okay with a seemingly "weak" man? This is purely personal choice, so there is no right answer. Also, do you put greatest value on the fact that he sees you as "perfect"? Sounds like a sweet guy, so if you are into bad boys, he's not it. It's really up to you to decide if his issues are dealbreakers. I've always fallen more for sensitive guys, but usually they also had troubles at communicating their feelings accordingly, they rather pretended things were okay... where as this guy really always says what he thinks in those moments and we get to talk about whatever the issue is and get it out of the way, which I find to be a huge plus. However, I do have the feeling there is still SOMETHING that he is not telling me and perhaps it is because he is afraid of what I will think of him? He has told me that in the past, ex-girlfriend's found him to be "too complicated" and he is scared I might think the same.
gaius Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Usually depressive people will put on their best act when they first meet someone. If his best act is crying 3 times in 6 weeks then I would expect normal him is even worse. If you can handle a very feminine man then stay and give it a shot, but if you can't it's probably better to get out now.
Author lamaga Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Usually depressive people will put on their best act when they first meet someone. If his best act is crying 3 times in 6 weeks then I would expect normal him is even worse. If you can handle a very feminine man then stay and give it a shot, but if you can't it's probably better to get out now. The crying happened while we were on vacation, where we spent 4 days straight with each other, which we had never done before, so i was sure he would 'crack' at some point and show his 'real' him... which he did. We both agreed though that the trip itself was a good experience and I assured him that I was not 'put off' by his behavior.. which is partially true, since I am just a bit scared that, as you said, it might be more severe than he is truly presenting it to be as of now. I have always been with more feminine guys and am totally ok with that!! I just think it can be frustrating at times when he is NOT ASSERTIVE and maybe I am over-estimating my own tolerance-spectrum.. after all, I want a stable relationship. He hasn't been showing any abandonment issues though, and seems to be confident enough knowing how strongly I feel for him, which is MOST IMPORTANT to me. 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 He sounds like he has too many problems and the crying thing freaks me out.. Men crying is a major major turn off unless like their mom or close family member died
Maleficent Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It wouldn't beca dealbreaker to me because I was also diagnosed with depression last year. I also major in psych and plan to specialise in mental health soooooo.... lol However, it doesn't look to me like he is coping all that well and still has issues to work on. It's one thing to have depression, it's another to use this as an excuse to do nothimg about it. Not that this is what he does. In the end, it's up to you to decide if you are willing to live with him. If you decide to keep this relationship going, I would suggest you do some reading about depression so you can recognize the warning signs of a relapse.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 If we had strong chemistry/connection, no, not a deal breaker at all.... I love sensitive men.
happywithlife Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 This should not immediately be a deal breaker, but does consider serious thought on your part. You need to consider: 1. Will this person be able to support me when I need support? Or, will his mental health cause him to only be able to focus on his needs? 2. Will his personality demand that I am the person always taking care of our stressful situations? Do I want to take this role on? Will I still want to be in this role 10 or 20 years from now? 3. Do I want children? If so, do I want children with this person? And, will he be able to handle life with children in a responsible, caring, and supportive way? People with mental health issues can be loving, supporting and wonderful partners. They can also be self-focused and needy. It really depends on the person. You deserve a partnership that compliments you and supports you. Partners do not complete a person, they compliment a person. If this person cannot fill that role because he still needs to focus on improving his mental health, move on . . .
Maleficent Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 men who cry that much have something to hide and it may be his homosexuality. What the ... ?
ltjg45 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 What the ... ? Save yourself the trouble and pay him no attention. It's ironic I'm saying this though but if you really want to see why, see his thread he posted in the Sexual sub-section of this forum.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It would be a deal breaker for me. I need a man who can handle life's struggles with confidence and grace. This guy sounds like the littlest things would knock him down, and bigger things would put him out of commission emotionally. 1
Maleficent Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Save yourself the trouble and pay him no attention. It's ironic I'm saying this though but if you really want to see why, see his thread he posted in the Sexual sub-section of this forum. yeah realized that after checking a few threads...
Shepp Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 wow I couldn't deal with that from a women! Not the depression part as such - but allergies to everything, crying over nothing etc etc But then I guess that's just not the way I was brought up, y'know? I was brought up to be strong and if you don't like something take action don't just cry about it. And I've always looked for that in girls - optimism, strength and fighting spirit. But then you say you tend to go for feminine guys so I guess if that's your type its not so bigger deal for you. But I always think you partner is basically your team-mate right? Like at school when you pick a partner in sports only now your picking one in for the rest of your life - is who what you want in a team mate? Could he be the father for your kids, is he the guy you'd call in a crisis, would he stand by you through think and thin? If its yes to all of that then whats it matter what anyone else thinks - theres someone for everyone right?
PogoStick Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 The first paragraph started sounding like me...depression and insomnia, needing to maintain a regular sleep schedule, but then the comparison broke down! At first I was thinking, hey I'm a great guy so that can't be a dealbreaker. Add the extra issues and it starts looking like a challenge. Bless you for still being attracted to him! There's hope for all the guys of LS 2
Author lamaga Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 The first paragraph started sounding like me...depression and insomnia, needing to maintain a regular sleep schedule, but then the comparison broke down! At first I was thinking, hey I'm a great guy so that can't be a dealbreaker. Add the extra issues and it starts looking like a challenge. Bless you for still being attracted to him! There's hope for all the guys of LS Haha, indeed. I am a good catch, he is pretty lucky
alexjames88 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You are being so selfish and unfair. He has been honest with you. He has worked on his issues. Yet you seem to be against him. Why? Because he is not the perfect, infallible man? You should appreciate him and be there for him darling. Far better he has issues and tells you about them than the perfect Lothario who cheats behind your back. Relationships take work. He has put the work in. Now time you started doing the same.
Author lamaga Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You are being so selfish and unfair. He has been honest with you. He has worked on his issues. Yet you seem to be against him. Why? Because he is not the perfect, infallible man? You should appreciate him and be there for him darling. Far better he has issues and tells you about them than the perfect Lothario who cheats behind your back. Relationships take work. He has put the work in. Now time you started doing the same. Why am I being selfish and unfair? Because I am trying to figure out what I can do to make him happy? I said at no point that I am against him and I already said that he is perfect for me the way he is. I think you have not really read any of what I wrote... 1
veggirl Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Deal breaker. He sounds EXHAUSTING. I don't have mental illnesses and such, not really interested in dating someone who does, esp to the extent this guy does.
alexjames88 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You cannot make someone happy. But you are questioning it. Do you not think he cannot feel this? He will have felt it already. This would of made him more unhappy. In the long term you are in danger of letting this breed in your own mind. Despite what you say now you do not like it. It is the genesis for breaking up with him if you allow it. I say these things to help you. Please understand in no way am I trying to criticize you or be bad to you. I am just trying to get you to see what is going to happen.
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