In and out of NC, what an excruciating mistake!

[landshark]

After commenting on a few of the threads here and reading about the trials, tribulations and pain experienced by many of those on this site, here is my story. My ex and I started dating about two years ago (I'm 47 she's 30) after knowing each other for several months. After we hooked up, she moved out on her bf and got her own place. For the first year things were very good and I really had never been happier with anybody, including my ex-wife. Eventually things started getting serious and we talked about getting married but she said that she needed patience, that I reluctantly gave her but understood.

 

During this time I had a bunch of nagging physical ailments to include shoulder, knee and sprained ankle injuries. After a year, things started unravelling in the classic way, snide comments, drinking and pot use escalating until finally, at Christmas she ended it (actually beat me to the punch) after she said that she didn't want me to go home to meet her family. I would always ask her what was the matter and she never gave me a real answer. Since the beginning I had told her that it may be my responsibility as a man to figure out what was bothering her most of the time but she had to help out and tell me what was going on with her.

 

I was devastated even though I saw it coming and she would text me saying things like "I hope it gets better for you" and "breakups are so hard." After Christmas I went on NC (didn't tell her exactly, mistake) and got a letter from her in January apologizing for everything. Instead of toosing it, I met up with her for a couple of hours to discuss it. She wanted to be friends and I told her no but that we could be acquaintances (another mistake).

 

About a month later I found out that she might be seeing someone and we got together for a drink. She seemed very affectionate and asked me if I would go to her college graduation with she and her parents and I said I would. I then asked her to go skiing the next week and she said yes.

This is where it unravels...Later in the week I text her and mention skiing and she says she has some injury, I express condolences and suggest getting together over the weekend and she said she'll be in touch. Well, the next time I heard from her was a week later asking to get together and telling me how great the skiing was the day before we were supposed to go, REALLY?

 

I reminded her about the alleged injury and she profiled herself as a "fast healer." Ok, I know most if not all of you are wondering if I'm a real life pinata in the flesh, maybe...So I decided to meet with her one night. She showed up looking a bit stoned and we did the small talk for about a half hour. I then asked her if she planned on telling me about her new bf and she said that she was going to tell me. I then asked her if she planned on having both of us at her graduation. She said that she was and, listen to this, that he thought it was ok too. I told her that this was it and then she asked if we could still be friends. I asked her what she offered me as a friend and she said that I could "run things by her."

 

I said that the next time we talked if would be at her behest and only if she would consider taking the present relationship, torching it, sifting through the ashes, finding the good and building another on top. At this point it became a protracted argument and she was concerned that if we ran into each other I would give her the finger behind her back and she finally said that the age difference really wore on her. I said in no uncertain terms that she had underestimated what I offered her despite the age difference. At that I walked out. About five weeks ago, after three weeks of despondency I broke down and texted her before her graduation. It went on for a couple hours and that was that.

 

I truly miss this girl and love her to death but I had to draw a line. I realize that screwing with NC was probably my undoing. I sit here after putting my body in the right places, with friends, doing fun things, reading voraciously and living life fully in complete misery.

 

It been five and a half months (five weeks of NC). As much as I hate this, it is the only way to go....still, I think about her when I get up, live through hell, and when I go to bed...pathetic, yes...sorry this is so long but, honestly, NC is slowly working but I'm still picking up the pieces and in a living hell...

Edited June 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, use them please

[aloneinaz]

Sorry to hear you're struggling so bad right now. What you need to tell yourself is it's your choice if you want to continue to feel this way or not. At 5 months after a break-up, I'd think you'd be farther down the road to your recovery. Have you been to any therapy? Have you consider going on casual dates?

[landshark]

I haven't been to therapy because I know what they're gonna tell me. I have some friends to vent to. Here's the thing, see, its not like its been five months because I was hopeful (read, in denial) for four of those months. So because of this and not following NC, its really like a month. The last few days have been horrible because I'm starting to realize that she's not coming back...

[aloneinaz]

The last few days have been horrible because I'm starting to realize that she's not coming back...

 

I would say you're right. You got to move on. Look at my posts today. My ex and I broke up after 14 months not even a week ago. I just saw her on a dating site. That didn't feel good! My point in sharing that is what you had at the beginning is over, dead, gone. It will never be the same. It's the same realization that I'm coming too. Most reconciliations don't work either. I'm walking proof. My ex and I broke up and got back together too many times.

 

You need to get pissed at yourself and say she's not worth the hurt you're feeling. You attracted and got her. Why can't you find someone else too? Just going on some casual dates will help you immensely.

 

You can do it!

[aloneinaz]

Also, I forgot to say.. After seeing her on that site, I turned on my profile (I'd been on it before) and used a couple pic of the two of us w/her cropped out of it.

 

I basically said FU and I can move on as well. Sitting around here, mooning over her and the failed relationship will do me zero good. Getting out the house and having some female company on some casual dates will be a good thing for me.

[landshark]

Now that I've read some of your stuff I know where you're coming from and it's rough, believe me I know. She's got some other guy as I said and from your thread it's true she checked out before and I didn't see it (her mentioning me possibly cheating on her was a BIG red flag). As for me dating at this point, it's a tough one. I have alot of female friends and take solace in hanging out with them. That's about all I can do, because I know that I am dripping with hurt, low self esteem and zero self confidence. I went out with one girl a few times and she made up some bogus excuse and actually attacked me verbally which pretty much confirmed it. Another one I've been playing texual grab *** with but that dissipated as I knew it would. For now I take it day by day, when that doesn't work hour by hour and then minute by minute.

As for you, you are leaps and bounds ahead of me, please keep me posted on your dating progress, I'll be interested...

[Zammo25]

When they are gone they DON'T want anything more to do with your sorry arse. They move on, with no regrets and often in a devastingly cruel fashion. My ex hooked onto Mr Wonderful immediately and I think whilst we were together as he was a better option to move onto. The Bitch even gave away my lifelong cd collection to a charity shop without me knowing. When they are gone they are like Satan. The way it has panned out I cannot for the life of me understand why I thought so much of her as her actions post the break up have been deplorable. F*ck em. Look after yourself now and hope they end up in a pit of sh*t.

[landshark]

I get what you're saying. She was so gungho about being "friends" and I s***canned that and she drove away very fast. Your girl is doing the same thing but in more explicit fashion. You're right she doesn't care about me at all, just wants to get away with her conscience intact because she knew I did alot for her and would have done more. I did TOO much and paid for it...

[Gingerlee]

i know how you feel, you're not alone, i was still sleeping with my ex until recently in hope he would come back, it was better to be his f*ckbuddy than be nothing at all is what i thought, and for that time when we were intertwined and staring at eachother it was like nothing had changed, and then he'd leave and not speak to me for days on end and reality would hit me like a train and i'd feel like absolute cheap and nasty scum of the earth. it was an addiction that im still learning to deal with, the absolute ecstasy of being with them and then the heartbreak when they leave.

 

its not worth it, it really isnt.

 

i wish you all the best, message me if you ever need to vent x

[Ale khun]

i know how you feel, you're not alone, i was still sleeping with my ex until recently in hope he would come back, it was better to be his f*ckbuddy than be nothing at all is what i thought, and for that time when we were intertwined and staring at eachother it was like nothing had changed, and then he'd leave and not speak to me for days on end and reality would hit me like a train and i'd feel like absolute cheap and nasty scum of the earth. it was an addiction that im still learning to deal with, the absolute ecstasy of being with them and then the heartbreak when they leave.

 

its not worth it, it really isnt.

 

i wish you all the best, message me if you ever need to vent x

 

Gingerlee it's like we are going thought the same story , I recently sleep with my ex and it was a little weird but still I miss him sometimes and it sucks to be thinking in someone who doesn't want you . But you know the heart wants what he can't have . I haven't heard from him , but I haven't texted him either . But I can't stop feeling "cheap nasty scum of the earth like you said " you are right it's like an addiction .

[landshark]

Gingerlee, I feel bad for you. Yeah, its almost never good to sleep with an ex that you want back with no talk of patching things up. Please don't see youself as scum or anything but a decent person trying to somehow work things out (Ali Khan hope you're listening too). You followed your heart, and tried, and it didn't work, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

As for me, I have good days and bad, today is a bad day, just because its a weekend, but I put my a** in the right direction and do fun things. I can't shake her because I am only now starting to accept that she's gone for good, miss her terribly. You and I are probably in the same space roght now. Remember, when you are going through hell, keep going. I'll take you up on that venting session soon, we could both use it!

[TaraMaiden]

i know how you feel, you're not alone, i was still sleeping with my ex until recently in hope he would come back, it was better to be his f*ckbuddy than be nothing at all is what i thought, and for that time when we were intertwined and staring at eachother it was like nothing had changed, and then he'd leave and not speak to me for days on end and reality would hit me like a train and i'd feel like absolute cheap and nasty scum of the earth. it was an addiction that im still learning to deal with, the absolute ecstasy of being with them and then the heartbreak when they leave.

 

its not worth it, it really isnt.

 

i wish you all the best, message me if you ever need to vent x

 

Gingerlee, you cant PM until you've been here a month and posted over 100 times.

 

Kind of you to reach out, but sadly, ineffective...

[Sunshine87]

I'm so sorry,

 

The relationship had a bad foundation from the start. She had a bf but hooked up with you. I'm not trying to judge but that action is indicative of her character. Two years down the line and she does something similar to you. Karma bit you in the arse so you can mourn and be at peace. However, she will have to face her demons someday as she can't go around messing people up.

 

No contact- don't relent. Give it some time too.

 

I'm sorry

[landshark]

Well, it took me a little time to digest this. Yes, she did take off on her live in bf for me but swore up and down that the relationship was already on the skids. Well, you're right, karma got me in grand fashion. Yes, I truly miss her, but will not pick up that phone because nothing will get accomplished. I know that if I agree to a friendship with her then I deserve what I get (like being invited to her graduation with her new bf and parents and being blown off again). She knows in no uncertain terms what I want but maybe I have to look at her for who she is. This is extremely painful but I surround myself with real friends and a support system and go through hell with this but keep slogging through. Thanks again for your input. Maybe I didn't want to see it in this light...

[landshark]

Also, I forgot to say.. After seeing her on that site, I turned on my profile (I'd been on it before) and used a couple pic of the two of us w/her cropped out of it.

 

I basically said FU and I can move on as well. Sitting around here, mooning over her and the failed relationship will do me zero good. Getting out the house and having some female company on some casual dates will be a good thing for me.

I totally agree with you. Dating at this point for me though, would be a disaster as I realize that I'm just too broken up by this. Female company alone has been a good thing.

[landshark]

Gingerlee, you cant PM until you've been here a month and posted over 100 times.

 

Kind of you to reach out, but sadly, ineffective...

Oh I appreciate it Ginger and Tara. When we get those 100 posts and a month in I'll take you up on that venting session. In the meantime, Ginger, keep your head up and realize that you tried with this guy, the best you knew how, be proud of that!

[tbf]

Have you ever heard the term "branch swinging"? It describes people who are emotionally and mentally weak so they need someone new to cling to, to become strong enough to exit existing relationships.

 

In other words, instead of addressing problematic issues in existing relationships, they tend to transfer existing positive emotions from one person to the next, so they don't have to deal with loss. This is known as transference.

 

The personality type that appears to utilize this coping skill appears to be individuals who are confrontation averse, passive and passive-aggressive.

[landshark]

Yes, this is the type of person that when we first started dating I told her that as a man it is my job to know when something is bothering her most of the time but she would have to tell me the rest of the time. She never told me what was bothering her, she would just say things like "I have to look at the positives" and leave it at that. Can't have a decent relationship like that. Very non confrontational in general.

[tbf]

In understanding these aspects of your ex, there's been a positive learned from your past relationship. That if someone's willing to be "stolen", they can also be "stolen" from you and also the underlying mechanisms that leads to this type of branch swinging behaviour.

 

Now you know to avoid this personality type for any future relationships. What might be problematic is that if you're a dominant personality type, the more passive personality type might attract you and be attracted to you. Has this been your experience in past relationships?

[Mrlonelyone]

In understanding these aspects of your ex, there's been a positive learned from your past relationship. That if someone's willing to be "stolen", they can also be "stolen" from you and also the underlying mechanisms that leads to this type of branch swinging behaviour.

 

Now you know to avoid this personality type for any future relationships. What might be problematic is that if you're a dominant personality type, the more passive personality type might attract you and be attracted to you. Has this been your experience in past relationships?

 

IDK about that. A person can only be "stolen" in so much as they can choose to walk away.

 

This mans EX GF is the kind who, as you say, monkey branches. She will do something far worse than be stolen. She will be with someone, sucking their... ... emotional energy... while not actually giving a damn about them. Then suddenly leave for someone else, "better" or who they think won't abandon them, while not really caring much about the new person either. Oh the new guy is wonderful for a while, but then his supply is devalued too after 6 months to two years.

 

They feel like a half and look for another person to make them whole. All the while, only they can make them whole, so that they can then be part of a pair.

 

Such a partner is both foul to the wo/man they move on to and a fiend to the wo/man they move on from.

 

OP count you're lucky stars that you did not get married to or have children by such a person. The great thing about not being married and truly committed such that only a judges order can break it, is that you can just mourn and walk away.

[landshark]

In understanding these aspects of your ex, there's been a positive learned from your past relationship. That if someone's willing to be "stolen", they can also be "stolen" from you and also the underlying mechanisms that leads to this type of branch swinging behaviour.

 

Now you know to avoid this personality type for any future relationships. What might be problematic is that if you're a dominant personality type, the more passive personality type might attract you and be attracted to you. Has this been your experience in past relationships?

 

I'm one of those Type A Alphas, oldest of alot of kids, work with criminals...yes, I am used to running my relationships, kind of playing "cruise director" and taking these girls for a "journey." I've found that giving without getting much in return or doing all the work leads to where I find myself right now. Most of my former gfs have been conflict phobic and the relationships just die on the vine because when I overgive, I believe that I send a mixed vibe out, one that has an undertone of neediness (ouch).

[landshark]

Thanks TBF, I have to hear this stuff...hope I answered your question...

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think they're conflict-phobic - it sounds as if they might be a little scared, because you sound 'controlling' - !

 

Running the relationship?

Cruise Director?

What are you, an Admiral??

 

('Landshark' sounds quite apt..... maybe you need to re-examine your methodology, some.....?)

[tbf]

I'm one of those Type A Alphas, oldest of alot of kids, work with criminals...yes, I am used to running my relationships, kind of playing "cruise director" and taking these girls for a "journey." I've found that giving without getting much in return or doing all the work leads to where I find myself right now. Most of my former gfs have been conflict phobic and the relationships just die on the vine because when I overgive, I believe that I send a mixed vibe out, one that has an undertone of neediness (ouch).

So that you understand, it doesn't have to be this way.

 

The neediness aspect is the fierce desire to find someone who you can relax with and lean on. The need to control the relationship might have something to do with fear of rejection and vulnerability.

 

Does any of this sound familiar?

 

8 - Enneagram Type Eight: The Challenger

[landshark]

IDK about that. A person can only be "stolen" in so much as they can choose to walk away.

 

This mans EX GF is the kind who, as you say, monkey branches. She will do something far worse than be stolen. She will be with someone, sucking their... ... emotional energy... while not actually giving a damn about them. Then suddenly leave for someone else, "better" or who they think won't abandon them, while not really caring much about the new person either. Oh the new guy is wonderful for a while, but then his supply is devalued too after 6 months to two years.

 

They feel like a half and look for another person to make them whole. All the while, only they can make them whole, so that they can then be part of a pair.

 

Such a partner is both foul to the wo/man they move on to and a fiend to the wo/man they move on from.

 

OP count you're lucky stars that you did not get married to or have children by such a person. The great thing about not being married and truly committed such that only a judges order can break it, is that you can just mourn and walk away.

 

Yes I was thinking of marrying this girl but I've been divorced and partially due to your response, I can see that you're right...she was on the money for about a year and then the age difference became an issue and she did alot more pushing than pulling. Not me though, kept giving love and supporting her through school, oblivious to her wishywashiness...yes, being married to someone who feels no need to actually work on a relationship and ask for what they want would have been another sh**show...thanks dude...