Getting mixed messages from a woman

[Babolat]

I have been trying the girls as friends for 2+ months now; so far so good, plus I want to take a break from dating.

 

A woman at my company (we are in different departments) , whom I have always been attracted to and saw her as "my type", recently spent 3 hours talking after a late afternoon meeting. I told her then I was taking a break from dating, trying the girls as friends thing. She told me she did not believe men and woman could be just friends. She also said a lot of comments like "I see you as the type who..." or "I thought your were the kind of man who..." which suggested to me she has been observing me, if you will, over the past 2 years.

 

We rarely see each other at work, and we really have not talked much. it's usually me doing the talking as she is shy and conservative, so the 3 hour talk and her observations of me caught me off guard. She even said I was an attractive man in great shape, I dress well, and that she liked my hair!

 

I asked her the next day if she would be interested in continuing our conversation away from work sometime, she said yes. I emailed her the next day to follow up, she replied with her phone # and asked me to text her with the plan.

 

I did, we chatted for a while over text, she commented that she wanted to make sure we were on the same pahe, that she just wanted to hang out as friend. i agreed.

 

We went out for dinner and drinks this week. We sat close at the bar, lots of eye contact, lots of smiling, great chemistry. I asked her about her "on the same page" text comment. She said she said that as there is no way a man like me would ever be attracted to her. She actually said that many times. By a "man like me" she said older, attractive, in great shape, social, etc. She said she pictured me with a gorgeous buxom blonde. When I said what if I am attracted to you, she said I was just saying that to be nice.

 

I talked to her about her friends comment, and that she was hanging out with me as a friend. She said she could control herself and maybe she was experimenting like I was too.

 

Kids came up, she does not have any, I asked if she wanted them. She said that would not happen. I said, well you need a man for that first. She quickly and quietly said "I have a bf". That caught me off guard. i asked if he knew about me and us hanging out, she said yes. I asked if our friendship continued would I meet him, she said yes.

 

When I talked about 2-3 of my female friends, she said I am a player, that I must be because of the other qualities (older man, attractive, in good shape, social). We talked more about it and she admitted she does not know any men with female friends, the ones shes does know are players.

 

We spent 4 hours together, great conversation, lots of fun. I walked her to her car, asked if she wanted to do it again, she said yes. She then asked me if I knew if our company had a dating policy. I texted her to make sure she got home ok (we drank a little bit) and said I had fun. She replied immediately stating she had fun too.

 

I will admit, I am very attracted to her and some of my initial comments were true, and I wanted her to feel safe, yet after spending more time with her I see her more as my type and the attraction increased. And, I am ok just being friends. Though all of her comments, except the bf one, suggest there is an attraction, more than friends, from her.

 

Is the bf thing a protection thing..to keep it safe while she gets to know me? She is shy, conservative, mentioned she was burned in a previous relationship. She is also a lot younger than me, though very mature for her age and most folks think I am alot younger than I am.

 

 

Thanks

[Zio Corda]

Sounds like she feels a little bit intimidated by you because she's both shy and VERY attracted to you.

 

I'm guessing she's brunette due to the 'gorgeous buxom blonde' comment, and thinks those types of women are what all men like yourself are in to.

 

Going forward here's what I suggest:

 

1. Respect the bf comment, but don't bring it up again.

This probably was just a protection thing, but you can't go wrong by respecting her need for it. As things continue the 'bf' will probably mysteriously disappear from the conversation.

 

2. Just keep going out with her and showing your interested. It won't take long for her to accept that you genuinely like her, even though she's not what she thinks men like you want.

 

If things don't develop that way, at the very least you can have pride in the fact that it looks like you're pretty good at the girls as friends thing!

[Estate]

I have been trying the girls as friends for 2+ months now; so far so good, plus I want to take a break from dating.

 

A woman at my company (we are in different departments) , whom I have always been attracted to and saw her as "my type", recently spent 3 hours talking after a late afternoon meeting. I told her then I was taking a break from dating, trying the girls as friends thing. She told me she did not believe men and woman could be just friends. She also said a lot of comments like "I see you as the type who..." or "I thought your were the kind of man who..." which suggested to me she has been observing me, if you will, over the past 2 years.

 

We rarely see each other at work, and we really have not talked much. it's usually me doing the talking as she is shy and conservative, so the 3 hour talk and her observations of me caught me off guard. She even said I was an attractive man in great shape, I dress well, and that she liked my hair!

 

I asked her the next day if she would be interested in continuing our conversation away from work sometime, she said yes. I emailed her the next day to follow up, she replied with her phone # and asked me to text her with the plan.

 

I did, we chatted for a while over text, she commented that she wanted to make sure we were on the same pahe, that she just wanted to hang out as friend. i agreed.

 

We went out for dinner and drinks this week. We sat close at the bar, lots of eye contact, lots of smiling, great chemistry. I asked her about her "on the same page" text comment. She said she said that as there is no way a man like me would ever be attracted to her. She actually said that many times. By a "man like me" she said older, attractive, in great shape, social, etc. She said she pictured me with a gorgeous buxom blonde. When I said what if I am attracted to you, she said I was just saying that to be nice.

 

I talked to her about her friends comment, and that she was hanging out with me as a friend. She said she could control herself and maybe she was experimenting like I was too.

 

Kids came up, she does not have any, I asked if she wanted them. She said that would not happen. I said, well you need a man for that first. She quickly and quietly said "I have a bf". That caught me off guard. i asked if he knew about me and us hanging out, she said yes. I asked if our friendship continued would I meet him, she said yes.

 

When I talked about 2-3 of my female friends, she said I am a player, that I must be because of the other qualities (older man, attractive, in good shape, social). We talked more about it and she admitted she does not know any men with female friends, the ones shes does know are players.

 

We spent 4 hours together, great conversation, lots of fun. I walked her to her car, asked if she wanted to do it again, she said yes. She then asked me if I knew if our company had a dating policy. I texted her to make sure she got home ok (we drank a little bit) and said I had fun. She replied immediately stating she had fun too.

 

I will admit, I am very attracted to her and some of my initial comments were true, and I wanted her to feel safe, yet after spending more time with her I see her more as my type and the attraction increased. And, I am ok just being friends. Though all of her comments, except the bf one, suggest there is an attraction, more than friends, from her.

 

Is the bf thing a protection thing..to keep it safe while she gets to know me? She is shy, conservative, mentioned she was burned in a previous relationship. She is also a lot younger than me, though very mature for her age and most folks think I am alot younger than I am.

 

 

Thanks

 

I'll be honest in saying I only read the first few paragraph becaues the whole thing just seemed like fluff.

 

Basically here is your answer though.... you say you are taking a break from dating but are trying "girls are friends"... so basically you are trying to be manipulative by being lazy and trying to come under the radar and have no intentions of actually being friends with girls.

 

So how you are coming off is... firstly, a pussy, you won't man up and ask a girl out...

and secondly... you come off like you are there for casual hookups... you are down for "seeing" girls but ou only want friends so she sees you won't commit, you want a wam-bang-thank-you..... etc...

 

So you work with this girl right? And giving off a pussy vibe and just want to hookup... from her perspective...

 

Is that a good position to put herself in? Nope. Man up dude.

[Babolat]

Sounds like she feels a little bit intimidated by you because she's both shy and VERY attracted to you.

 

I'm guessing she's brunette due to the 'gorgeous buxom blonde' comment, and thinks those types of women are what all men like yourself are in to.

 

Going forward here's what I suggest:

 

1. Respect the bf comment, but don't bring it up again.

This probably was just a protection thing, but you can't go wrong by respecting her need for it. As things continue the 'bf' will probably mysteriously disappear from the conversation.

 

2. Just keep going out with her and showing your interested. It won't take long for her to accept that you genuinely like her, even though she's not what she thinks men like you want.

 

If things don't develop that way, at the very least you can have pride in the fact that it looks like you're pretty good at the girls as friends thing!

 

Yes, she is an auburn brunette, petite, thin, pale skin, stunning in my opinion. And I agree on your bf comment.

 

I sent her a text yesterday asking if she wanted to hang out again; no reply, though she did reply to other texts I sent.

[Babolat]

I'll be honest in saying I only read the first few paragraph becaues the whole thing just seemed like fluff.

 

Basically here is your answer though.... you say you are taking a break from dating but are trying "girls are friends"... so basically you are trying to be manipulative by being lazy and trying to come under the radar and have no intentions of actually being friends with girls.

 

So how you are coming off is... firstly, a pussy, you won't man up and ask a girl out...

and secondly... you come off like you are there for casual hookups... you are down for "seeing" girls but ou only want friends so she sees you won't commit, you want a wam-bang-thank-you..... etc...

 

So you work with this girl right? And giving off a pussy vibe and just want to hookup... from her perspective...

 

Is that a good position to put herself in? Nope. Man up dude.

 

I understand what you are saying.

 

I am 2.5 months out of a 12 month relationship so yes, it has been my plan to not date, figure some things out about me, and to try to be just friends with a few girls in my life (these are girls I have known for a few years and my ex knew about them). And yes, it's gone well. I do not want to date these girls. It's been pretty cool getting to know woman without the "relationship" stuff hanging over your head. And, I have realized by taking the time to be friends these are not girls I could date.

 

And yes, I shared this with her during our 3 hour talk at work. What surprised me afterwards is how much she shared about "my attractiveness" and how she has almost been studying me over the past 2 years. And then, i realized, I kind of l like her, and we could be a great match. When we met for drinks I was nervous, anxious, had those butterflies I have not felt in a long time. They went away almost instantly when I saw her.

 

I am not trying to be manipulative as I have had opportunities to be intimate with these friends and other woman since my breakup; and I did not as I do not want to.

[Babolat]

We met for dinner and drinks again this week. She talked more about the boyfriend. They have been dating 3 years, she is ready to get married, he will not propose. I asked if the relationship was serious, she said I think so but kept showing me her left hand, indicating no engagement ring. I get the impression him not taking the next step is starting to weigh on her, like she is wasting her time with him.

 

I think she is getting a little bored with the relationship too as it sounds like they really do not do much, like go out. She said that's one reason she is experiementing with a male friendship with me. She wants to get out and do more, be more adventurous.

 

He knows about me; she told me he was concerned what my intent was, she told him just friends. I asked if I could meet him at some point, if we continue to do things as friends, and she said yes though it may be awkward. I asked if he had female friends, she said no.

 

She says enough that I know she is attracted to me and curious; as I am with her. After dinner I was walking her to her car and she took a detour, in my opinion to spend more time together.

 

I asked her about going out to see a band, which she says she loves, has not done in a long time, though she would be concerned. I asked her why; she said having a few drinks and getting touchy with me. I said we have defined our boundaries, which we have, and why not bring the bf. She said maybe.

 

I know I need to be careful here. I am still healing from my last break up, and she is back in my life talking about trying again. In addition I know this woman sees my as exciting, attractive, she is curious and I do not want to be the man who helps her end her 3 year relationship, nor do I want to be the first man she sees after that.

 

Lots to think about with this one!

[serial muse]

I think you're in dangerous waters here. She wouldn't have said all those things about your attractiveness, etc., without the comfort zone/veneer of "just friends". She may find you attractive, sure, but she's not available at the moment. She's giving you mixed messages precisely because she has a boyfriend; perhaps she's using you as an ego boost because she's feeling bad about him. And the truth is, you don't want to be just friends and you're going to keep testing that boundary every time you go out with her. So you're both dissembling. Sounds like the BF is real; even if she is curious about you, you really are setting yourself up to be the other man at best here.

 

I don't see a problem, in theory, with going out and being just friends with her - but that isn't your actual intent. If you really want to keep hanging out as actual friends and not sexual-tension buddies that could go south with just one too many drinks, you'd need to readjust your expectations...meaning, stop wondering if she's curious about you, stop looking for openings, etc. She's dating somebody else. Do you really want this to get messy?

Edited June 13, 2013 by serial muse

[Babolat]

I think you're in dangerous waters here. She wouldn't have said all those things about your attractiveness, etc., without the comfort zone/veneer of "just friends". She may find you attractive, sure, but she's not available at the moment. She's giving you mixed messages precisely because she has a boyfriend; perhaps she's using you as an ego boost because she's feeling bad about him. And the truth is, you don't want to be just friends and you're going to keep testing that boundary every time you go out with her. So you're both dissembling. Sounds like the BF is real; even if she is curious about you, you really are setting yourself up to be the other man at best here.

 

I don't see a problem, in theory, with going out and being just friends with her - but that isn't your actual intent. If you really want to keep hanging out as actual friends and not sexual-tension buddies that could go south with just one too many drinks, you'd need to readjust your expectations...meaning, stop wondering if she's curious about you, stop looking for openings, etc. She's dating somebody else. Do you really want this to get messy?

 

Agreed 100%

 

She pretty muich said "if I get 2-3 drinks in me I am not sure what will happen". She is not a drinker at all, I see that, and it's attractive to me coming out of my last relationship, I know that.

 

I am not 100% sure what I am doing as I do not want to date anyone right now, emotionally I am not ready, I know that. Yet I enjoy hanging out with her, yet there is a physical attraction. I am doing this with another woman and as time has gone by with her I have realized she is not someone I could be in a LTR with, yet I like her and feel close to her.

 

So, there is a part of me who is curious about being friends with a woman, let time pass, and if it progresses, it will, otherwise, I am working on myself, not jumping into relationships, sex, and all that.

[carhill]

The dynamic sounds familiar, that of being groomed as an orbiter. The specifics, particularly the alone time spent and the talk patterns, are very familiar and consistent. If I encountered this today, there would be no mixed messages. I'd know exactly what the lady was up to. Play it out and see where it goes. FWIW, I've known numerous MW's who don't wear wedding rings. Good luck.

[dasein]

Agree with the orbiter part. She is looking for a nice, somewhat threatening (to her existing BF) stooge to help her get that ring on her finger from her BF. Have been there many, many times until I wised up to this particular kind of female ring wrangling behavior. When they say there is a guy who won't give her a ring, begone until he is gone -entirely- for sure. She knows where to find you if things change. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a very common type of female manipulation and use, you will not likely enjoy the outcome.

 

OR, three year BF and going out on dates?? She's either setting up cheating or manipulation, or lying about the BF, all too common, none good. Many of them lie about BFs, but if they lie about a 3 yr BF whom they want to marry? Avoid.

 

In the future, consider not laying out a bunch of qualifiers and caveats when meeting new women. No "just looking for friends" blabla. No relationship, kids, heavy talk at all. Just light, friendly flirtation and respectful sexual interest. All the qualifiers and caveats create either unnecessary pressure, misunderstandings, or whatever. Early on, flirt, don't disclose. Good luck.

[MidwestUSA]

Another possibility. Could she be "testing herself"; tempting OP to go thru with the deed, not to get a ring out of current BF, but give herself an out? Although the fact that her BF knows about OP would seem to go with the first theory. Just a thought, would love to hear male input, thanks! OP, yes, you are in dangerous waters, tread carefully.

[jphcbpa]

perhaps it would be better to find some "girl friends" who dont have b/f.

[carhill]

Some tips I've learned as a orbiter, OM, MM, friend to women and married person:

 

1. Everything not independently verified is hearsay or unverified, hence unreliable until and unless trust is established.

 

2. People do what they do. Most of the time, in advance, it's unknown what's in their mind. Sometimes it's never known.

 

3. Taking responsibility for one's own actions and setting and following one's own boundaries of health are what one can control. Everything else is outside of one's control and, IMO, spending time on 'figuring it out' is time and life one will never get back.

 

OP, you dealt with a girlfriend, by your admission a hot girlfriend, who wanted to auction herself off at a bachelorette auction. Evidently, after much consideration, you ended that association a couple months ago. Now you're doing the 'friends with women' thing and avoiding dating. Here's a clue.... that dinner you went on with this lady? Date. Why? Because of how *you* felt. Focus on *you*. She'll do what she does. Good luck.

[Babolat]

Very interesting replies...I have never heard of an orbiter and I am not 100% what that means.

 

I am not sold on any particular outcome with her; I am not looking to date her nor am I judging her. And I did get the feeling last night that she is testing herself, as if she wants to see what I will do and/or can she be a friend with a man she is attracted to. I told her to plan the next meet up and she has already made a suggestion on something to do.

 

She is asking me questions that suggest to me she is trying to figure out where I am and what kind of man I am. She asked me if I would have sex with any of my female friends for example. What would I do if they approached me for sex. I told her about my last gf contacting me about trying to work thinks out; she asked if I wanted to. The "sex" word seemed to come up a lot last night in various conversations. I mentioned that to her and she replied "maybe I think about sex a lot".

 

The BF is for real; she shared a lot of details last night and I could tell she was not comfortable doing so.

 

She is shy, conservative, has some social fears, self-esteem issues and I think, and even shared this with her last night, that she is "curious" about trying some new things...and she agreed.

 

The qualifiers were laid out because I really do not want to date right now, plus we work for the same compnay, though rarely see each other.

 

carhill, you are right, it did feel like a date, especially last night afterwards when we were walking around outside and talking. I truly am trying to see what it's like to be friends with a woman, no dating. It's actaully nice; no relationship pressures at all and I am learning things about myself. In fact, I am meeting another female friend out for dinner tomorrow night. Last I heard she had a bf, though I am not sure if that has changed as I have not asked her; don't really care to know. She has been a little more flirty recently so maybe he is gone.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

I used my friend Google and studied up on beta orbiter. Are you folks suggestng I am or she is?

[serial muse]

I used my friend Google and studied up on beta orbiter. Are you folks suggestng I am or she is?

 

I think they're suggesting that you are - in the sense that she may be using you as an emotional crutch/replacement due to her dissatisfaction with her boyfriend, and possibly as a tool to goad him into proposing.

 

That may be, but it seems to me that she's potentially willing to have sex with you too, and an OM ("other man") is not necessarily an orbiter, since he's more than just an emotional crutch. So I'm not sure that's the full picture. But it does sound, as I said, like this would NOT be a) a FWB situation or b) a one-on-one relationship situation. In other words, it sounds like it could get pretty messy, whatever happens.

 

I don't really know what you want out of this - you seem to be kind of all over the map about it (friendship/not friendship) - but it doesn't sound like there's anything good to be had, really. You guys talk about sex and attraction to each other and thus are NOT friends.

Edited June 13, 2013 by serial muse

[Babolat]

We do not talk about sex with each other; more how men and woman view sex and her thinking I was a player before she started spending time with me. I think she still thinks I am a player since I have 2 female friends I do things with socially. She has said I am attractive, not that she is attracted to me. She tells me I am fit, in good shape, I am nice looking, social, have a couple of female friends, I am metro sexual, a good dresser and by default, in her mind, I think that puts me in the player bucket.

 

She talks about her sister being married, kids, and "look at me, I am not". I think her current bf situation is not exacxtly where she wants it to be, I have showed her some attention, she likes it, it probably surprised her, and she is curious, and probably enjoying it. She states her bf is like her, not very social, has some soical anxieties..

 

And you are right; I don't know what I want from this. At a minimum a friendship as emotionally right now I cannot date someone as I am still healing from my break up 3 months ago. I do think if I persued her it could go further, or not, who knows, maybe she is truly trying the frriendship thing too, but I do not want to persue her at this point. Not sure if that makes any sense.

 

By definition from what I read I am not an orbiter, as I think I could have sex with these woman, or at least some romance/intimacy if I persued it, but I am not. What's really strange, is in my mind, even though my last relationship has ended, I almost feel like I would be cheating on her if I did. Then, at the same time, i think persuing another woman might help me heal faster.

 

I'm enjoying spending time with these woman (2-3), there is no emotional relationship feelings there...should I stop spending time with them? I dunno. I still hang out with my male buds, and in 1 of the 3 female cases we do things with a group of friends all the time (1 of the friends is her male best friend).

Edited June 13, 2013 by Babolat

[carhill]

I have never heard of an orbiter and I am not 100% what that means.

Definitions vary but I'll give you mine, based on 30+ years of experience

 

If you're not the guy who she prioritizes, who is primary in her mind and who she focuses on to *give* to, both emotionally and sexually, and she's lubricating your presence with words and apparent actions of affection, causing you to 'hang around' for more, you're 'orbiting'. Typically, women who collect orbiters have numerous ones. Some will even tell you they love you and back it up with physical/sexual actions. Doesn't matter. You're not their 'main' squeeze, rather fill a particular 'need', as do the other men they use for other 'needs'.

 

Ask this lady the last time she was alone. I'd be curious to hear the answer. Also, you might find her FOO history to be equally interesting. This presumes you want to continue this 'being friends with women' experiment.

 

Tip: you can't be 'friends' with a woman you want to bang. Doesn't work. If the thought even enters your mind, friendship, in the platonic sense, is over. It's OK for it to be over, but don't delude yourself that its something (platonic) that it's not. Own how you feel. Make choices which are healthy for you.

[Babolat]

Definitions vary but I'll give you mine, based on 30+ years of experience

 

If you're not the guy who she prioritizes, who is primary in her mind and who she focuses on to *give* to, both emotionally and sexually, and she's lubricating your presence with words and apparent actions of affection, causing you to 'hang around' for more, you're 'orbiting'. Typically, women who collect orbiters have numerous ones. Some will even tell you they love you and back it up with physical/sexual actions. Doesn't matter. You're not their 'main' squeeze, rather fill a particular 'need', as do the other men they use for other 'needs'.

 

Ask this lady the last time she was alone. I'd be curious to hear the answer. Also, you might find her FOO history to be equally interesting. This presumes you want to continue this 'being friends with women' experiment.

 

Tip: you can't be 'friends' with a woman you want to bang. Doesn't work. If the thought even enters your mind, friendship, in the platonic sense, is over. It's OK for it to be over, but don't delude yourself that its something (platonic) that it's not. Own how you feel. Make choices which are healthy for you.

 

 

Thanks, ands it makes sense. What is FOO?

 

I don't "want" to bang these woman, though I am attracted to them. Not sure if that makes sense. Emotionally I just can't do that right now and it's never been me; I have to date and be exclusive with a woman before we have sex.

 

Months down the road, who knows, one of them could turn into something more serious.

 

What I know about her dating history is she has been with the current bf 3 years. Prior to that she was in a serious relationship and he cheated on her. She said she is mad at herself for wasting so much time in that relationship. I will ask your question though as it's a good one.

 

Right now, I have 3 female friends. One has made it very clear she does not want to date anyone right now, so it feels safe to me. As I have spent more time with her I do not see her as dating material; though she is fun and I like hanging out with her. She is hot, very attractive, gets male attention, and it does not bother me. Would I bang her? No. Then there is the girl in this thread. Her having a bf actually makes things easier for me as I do not have to thing about it. Would I bang her? No. The third is a girl I met prior to my last gf. We went out once recently and agreed it was not a date, just hanging out. We text every few days, nothing flirty. We are going out for a drink tonight and I have no plans to make a move on her or anything like that. There was a 4th, but she got very filrty/touchy feely the last time we went out, with a group, as she was drunk. I have removed her from the "friends" list as she made me feel uncomfortable. She asked me to go to dinner this week over text and I said No.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Babolat

[carhill]

Per the LS guide to acronyms:

 

FOO= Family of Origin

[Emilia]

Right now, I have 3 female friends. One has made it very clear she does not want to date anyone right now, so it feels safe to me. As I have spent more time with her I do not see her as dating material; though she is fun and I like hanging out with her. She is hot, very attractive, gets male attention, and it does not bother me. Would I bang her? No. Then there is the girl in this thread. Her having a bf actually makes things easier for me as I do not have to thing about it. Would I bang her? No. The third is a girl I met prior to my last gf. We went out once recently and agreed it was not a date, just hanging out. We text every few days, nothing flirty. We are going out for a drink tonight and I have no plans to make a move on her or anything like that. There was a 4th, but she got very filrty/touchy feely the last time we went out, with a group, as she was drunk. I have removed her from the "friends" list as she made me feel uncomfortable. She asked me to go to dinner this week over text and I said No.

 

Not relevant to the thread but have been reading your posts for a while now Babolat and I think you are a very good man. I hope you find someone who makes you happy soon

[pcplod]

She lacks confidence and self-esteem to either be your friend or more. Who knows about the boyfriend? Who knows about any of it? Why not just wait and see and anything you need to assume, assume on the conservative side unless you get clear, unambiguous signals to the contrary. You sound like a pretty erudite person, skilled and confident in asking questions that get information. However, there is always a chance that you might get an answer or answers that you simply won't like, but that is the risk that we all have to accept or not participate at all. It is a useful technique to talk about subjects in the third person ie about other people, real or hypothetical, about societal attitudes in general without necessarily committing yourself to any vulnerabilities, but you I reckon you already know this and have done for years. Sometimes answers you are seeking are just not ready to reveal themselves and patience and timing are all that you have got.

[carhill]

I don't "want" to bang these woman, though I am attracted to them. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

Since we're both guys, I'll help. Put the image of your best male friend in your head. The guy you'd take a bullet for. Examine how you feel about him. Now, imagine feeling about him the way you do about this lady you say you're attracted to but don't want to bang. Compare. You'll get your answer. That's the difference between platonic and romantic. You're *attracted* to the woman. Sure, there are plenty of women you won't be attracted to in life. Some may become platonic friends.

 

FWIW, this is how many MW's I've encountered justify their 'affairs'. 'I'd never do anything sexual with him so it's OK'. Yep, just ask their husbands. Or, in this case, her boyfriend. Good luck.

[Babolat]

Not relevant to the thread but have been reading your posts for a while now Babolat and I think you are a very good man. I hope you find someone who makes you happy soon

 

Thanks Emilla, I actually hear that often from my friends and girls I have dated.

 

I am trying a different approach this time to try to figure out what I really want in a relationship and why I end up in the wrong relationships. That approach is trying to be friends, only friends, even if there is an attraction, and let things happen naturally. I usually rush into things, sex, intimacy, affection, only later to realize there are things about the person that do not align well with me. I am also working on me by NOT being in a relationship.

 

I am a work in progress for sure!

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilla, I actually hear that often from my friends and girls I have dated.

 

I am trying a different approach this time to try to figure out what I really want in a relationship and why I end up in the wrong relationships. That approach is trying to be friends, only friends, even if there is an attraction, and let things happen naturally. I usually rush into things, sex, intimacy, affection, only later to realize there are things about the person that do not align well with me. I am also working on me by NOT being in a relationship.

I am a work in progress for sure!

for what it's worth I think you have 'excessive caretaking' traits, ie you want to fix women and neglect your own needs - that doesn't work long term. which is why the bolded is important