Juventa2012 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 bobmarley, I can totally relate to you and I'm sorry that this happened to you! I dated a man for about a year and a month and I said "I love you" to him first after a year! Mind you it was in the middle of an argument and not the right time, but I got no response. I just got a "frozen look" back from him. I figured that since it was bad timing on my part, I decided to say it again a few weeks later and this time I got "I care about you a lot" as a response. I was heartbroken. Why didn't he love me? Was I not good enough? I had so many thoughts going through my head. I stuck around for about a month after that and let just say that we spent everyday together including weekends, I met all his friends and family, he made me priority, etc....the relationship didn't change, he didn't withdraw or run away and neither did I. I was just hoping to eventually hear it. But I never pressured him to. A month went by and he still didn't say it. I knew he was quite capable of saying it because I would hear him say it to his best friends and his family. I broke up with him shortly after that. In my heart I knew that if he didn't say it after a little over year, he was never going to say it. And I just couldn't be with a man that didn't feel the same about me. 3
youngnlove89 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It's making me go into a pensive, "why doesn't he love me/if he does why won't he say" type of place during our dates and having to make up a reason why I'm spaced out, and it makes me sad every night he kisses me on my doorstep and doesn't say it. I think my behavior is unfair to both of us, and I think it's time I took my love life into my own hands and got vulnerable with him. You have to be patient my dear. Patience is love. It takes time to say those words, they have a HUGE meaning. You don't want him to just give it away to every person he dates, simply because it's a "requirement". You need to respect that he is taking his time. it's making me insecure in the wonderful relationship that we do have, and it's making me act funny. Right now you are sabotaging the relationship by thinking like this. You will sabotage it. So just slow down, enjoy the wonderful relationship and be patient. It took my bf a YEAR to say it!!! But, my gosh, when he said I knew he meant it. 1
Author bobmarley Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Guys, I am feeling a bit under the weather and achy. Would it still be okay to ask him for a shoulder rub on our date tonight? Or is that too pushy?
Author bobmarley Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You have to be patient my dear. Patience is love. It takes time to say those words, they have a HUGE meaning. You don't want him to just give it away to every person he dates, simply because it's a "requirement". You need to respect that he is taking his time. Right now you are sabotaging the relationship by thinking like this. You will sabotage it. So just slow down, enjoy the wonderful relationship and be patient. It took my bf a YEAR to say it!!! But, my gosh, when he said I knew he meant it. Yeah, I am taking solace in the fact that he was honest with me. And with that honesty comes the fact that I am confident that if he didn't feel himself headed in that direction, he would have said so. In the same spirit of honesty, I am secure in the fact that if (most likely when) he does say it, he will mean it. And he's shown me that he loves me, so once he says it I will never doubt again. 1
Author bobmarley Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 (edited) bobmarley, I can totally relate to you and I'm sorry that this happened to you! I dated a man for about a year and a month and I said "I love you" to him first after a year! Mind you it was in the middle of an argument and not the right time, but I got no response. I just got a "frozen look" back from him. I figured that since it was bad timing on my part, I decided to say it again a few weeks later and this time I got "I care about you a lot" as a response. I was heartbroken. Why didn't he love me? Was I not good enough? I had so many thoughts going through my head. I stuck around for about a month after that and let just say that we spent everyday together including weekends, I met all his friends and family, he made me priority, etc....the relationship didn't change, he didn't withdraw or run away and neither did I. I was just hoping to eventually hear it. But I never pressured him to. A month went by and he still didn't say it. I knew he was quite capable of saying it because I would hear him say it to his best friends and his family. I broke up with him shortly after that. In my heart I knew that if he didn't say it after a little over year, he was never going to say it. And I just couldn't be with a man that didn't feel the same about me. I think that since the relationship is still relatively new, I will give him a little more than a month to figure things out. But if he hasn't reciprocated by the end of his family vacation (that he invites me on), we are going to have to have a talk about whether he is feeling like he's heading in that direction. I want to be respectful of his feelings during this time, even though it's hard, I know he cares, and he has shown he wants us to have long term potential. And he has thrown it around rather carelessly with past girlfriends, and I understand the hesitation to "just say it" to me, because we were best friends for so long before we dated. It means more to say it to me than to those other girls. It's WAY more of a commitment IMHO. And I would rather him be damn sure he means it than tell a white lie to keep the peace. Hell, it took me 5 months and some change to write it down. I still haven technically said it. I'm not too worried. He is making an effort to let me know that we are alright. And that's fine for now. Edited June 7, 2013 by bobmarley 1
apple OR orange Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 sounds like someones over thinking something very simple
Author bobmarley Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 sounds like someones over thinking something very simple As ever. That's my signature in life, unfortunately. I'm trying really hard to get past my overanalysis. I'm seeing a therapist to help with it, I've seen several psychiatrists, etc. I have gotten way better, though. I feel like I am able to separate facts out from the ruminating thoughts now.
BluEyeL Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Lesson learned. Never tell a man you love him first, UNLESS you are 100% sure he's gonna say it back to you. To check on that you can say first things like "i'm feeling I'm falling for you" "I'm starting to have feelings for you"....things like that. Now just carry on and pretend you didn't say it...idk. 1
Author bobmarley Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Lesson learned. Never tell a man you love him first, UNLESS you are 100% sure he's gonna say it back to you. To check on that you can say first things like "i'm feeling I'm falling for you" "I'm starting to have feelings for you"....things like that. Now just carry on and pretend you didn't say it...idk. I won't pretend I didn't say it, I won't apologize for it. It's how I feel. And it's alright. We will be fine, and if not, I will be fine. 3
ThomasD Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Guys, I am feeling a bit under the weather and achy. Would it still be okay to ask him for a shoulder rub on our date tonight? Or is that too pushy? Sounds quite appropriate to me . . . did you?
ThomasD Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 sounds like someones over thinking something very simple I don't think it's "something very simple" - but she IS impatient to know an outcome that may take as long as months to happen.
ThomasD Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I won't pretend I didn't say it, I won't apologize for it. It's how I feel. And it's alright . . . Another reminder that I admire your courage and honesty. I'm certain there are other guys who would agree. 1
ThomasD Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 . . . So just slow down, enjoy the wonderful relationship and be patient. It took my bf a YEAR to say it!!! But, my gosh, when he said I knew he meant it. It's great when it happens like this, and you can look back at a HUGE return on your investment in "patience". She has put herself in a place where she could be hurt, and she knows it, but the possibility of pain is NOT a certainty and her personal integrity motivates her to do the right thing. The Finns have a concept they call "sisu". (Do a little research on the word.) It's commonly translated in English as the slang term "guts", but that misses about 75% of the meaning. It's much more correct to think of it as "perseverance in the face of adversity, and seeing a task through to the end - REGARDLESS of the expected outcome". It's not a Pollyanna-ish optimism that everything will somehow get better. It's more like the guy who ties a knot in the Devil's tail even as Satan is carrying him off to hell because, well, that's how you SHOULD treat the Devil.
ThomasD Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 . . . I will give him a little more than a month to figure things out. But if he hasn't reciprocated by the end of his family vacation (that he invites me on), we are going to have to have a talk about whether he is feeling like he's heading in that direction. I'd shy away from setting hard deadlines. The fact you're invited on a family vacation says he sees at least a strong potential for a serious long-term commitment to you. (I didn't get that kind of treatment until we were within a couple months of being married!) It could be he'd like to get an opinion from somebody in his family before taking a plunge with you.
Author bobmarley Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Sounds quite appropriate to me . . . did you? I did, and got a short, much-needed massage. And he told me he checked WebMD and found that the cure for all my aches and pains was ice cream. So he bought me some Karamel Sutra and brought it to me with a spoon to eat while we hung out last night. Haha it was very silly, but cute. 2
Author bobmarley Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) I'd shy away from setting hard deadlines. The fact you're invited on a family vacation says he sees at least a strong potential for a serious long-term commitment to you. (I didn't get that kind of treatment until we were within a couple months of being married!) It could be he'd like to get an opinion from somebody in his family before taking a plunge with you. I suppose that's true. I am just worried about letting it go on too long without the possibility of return. I don't want to leave or anything if he hasn't said it by then, I would just like to ask if he sees himself returning it in the future. Because if he doesn't know if he COULD love me by 6 months in, I feel like I'd be wasting my time. He's not extremely close with his extended family, I think he's inviting me along because he just wants me to come on a trip with him, since his sister and brother are both bringing guests. That being said, the guests are his brother's childhood best friend who has lived with them, and his sister's boyfriend of 3 years (they are supposedly getting married in the fall, but the engagement is not yet public). The people I have to win over are his mom and brother, for sure. And his brother and I have taken two long road trips together (10 and 12 hour drives respectively) and chatted the entire way there. We even drove the late shift together and have a ton of stuff in common, and he's started playing pranks on me/messing around with me, which is apparently a sign that he's treating me like one of the family. His mother has tried to suss out my feelings about marrying him, and has already started hinting around at wanting grandchildren. She tells me she loves me just like she tells her kids, and makes Facebook statuses about how beautiful I am and how much fun we have, etc. She asks me to be in their family photos, and she invites me to all their family outings, etc, and she extended me a separate invitation for this same vacation. His dad and brother have given me a nickname (they all have nicknames for each other that they use pretty regularly), and his sister tells me she loves me all the time, and how she's so happy that we are finally together and how he finally has the girl he deserves, etc. I've met his grandmother and she remembers me (which is a big deal), and she hugs me (also a big deal). So I think I'm in good with them, but maybe he just needs to see how I do with his a-hole uncle (his words, not mine), or how long car rides with me would be or something... Edited June 8, 2013 by bobmarley 1
ThomasD Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 . . . I think he's inviting me along because . . . Wow! Sounds like you're already "in" with them - may even see you as "the ONE" for him. (Maybe they see signs that your B/F doesn't. Or maybe they only THINK they see signs. When I was in college, I insisted - and seriously believed - that "Girls avoid me like the plague.". A few weeks after my wife and I met in-person, she was my date to one of my college buddy's wedding. That was probably only our third or fourth date. He and his wife were VERY prompt to acknowledge their gifts, and the thank-you note included the comment, "It looks like the plague is dead.". Ever since then, I have wondered if he was just trying to be encouraging - or did he actually see something in the developing relationship that I hadn't yet comprehended?) If your posts are accurately reporting the situation, it all looks very encouraging to me. I don't know why he won't give the response you want. As I have said, "Patience is a virtue.". (No, I don't think you're there to be evaluated by the uncle. I assume you were being humorous.) 1
Author bobmarley Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Wow! Sounds like you're already "in" with them - may even see you as "the ONE" for him. (Maybe they see signs that your B/F doesn't. Or maybe they only THINK they see signs. When I was in college, I insisted - and seriously believed - that "Girls avoid me like the plague.". A few weeks after my wife and I met in-person, she was my date to one of my college buddy's wedding. That was probably only our third or fourth date. He and his wife were VERY prompt to acknowledge their gifts, and the thank-you note included the comment, "It looks like the plague is dead.". Ever since then, I have wondered if he was just trying to be encouraging - or did he actually see something in the developing relationship that I hadn't yet comprehended?) If your posts are accurately reporting the situation, it all looks very encouraging to me. I don't know why he won't give the response you want. As I have said, "Patience is a virtue.". (No, I don't think you're there to be evaluated by the uncle. I assume you were being humorous.) I was being humorous. I am going to make an update thread as we speak. I think it merits a new thread. And yes, I think that his family does think that I might be "the one" for him...I'd be lying if I hadn't thought it too. And he's thought about it as well. We were those friends who had the pact that if we weren't married by X age, we woud marry each other...and we used to talk about all the things we'd do if we got married, all the things we'd teach our kids. None of that since we've been together, but hey--I'm sure if he was comfortable about it then, it will happen again.
orchids Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Guys, I am feeling a bit under the weather and achy. Would it still be okay to ask him for a shoulder rub on our date tonight? Or is that too pushy? Really OT but I don't know man, your display name and that message
Recommended Posts