I think I'm going to tell him today.

[bobmarley]

Hey, everyone, thanks for all your support in my thread about hemming and hawing through whether I should tell my boyfriend I love him.

 

Recently I sent his family a thank you note, and he said that he wished I'd write him a note on the same stationery, with very specific formatting. So I wrote "I love you." in that format on the stationery, and I am planning to give it to him tonight, and have him open them with me present. If he freaks out, I'll leave it at that so he doesn't feel any more pressure to reciprocate than necessary, but if he looks happy about it I will definitely say it out loud as well.

 

Thoughts?

[ThomasD]

In general that sounds rather romantic! (My wife and I wrote to each other, sight unseen, for over 3 months before we met in person. We never wrote "I love you", but it was really special to get the occasional "Thinking of you" friendship card.)

 

Delivering it in person like that DOES put him on the spot, and he'll probably not know how to respond. I'd suggest trying to get it to him before your date, or perhaps slipping it into a pocket (backpack, etc) where he (and ONLY he!) will find it afterwards.

[Drseussgrrl]

I'm still in the camp that he should say it first.

 

 

Think about how very romantic it would be if he used this move on you?

[bobmarley]

In general that sounds rather romantic! (My wife and I wrote to each other, sight unseen, for over 3 months before we met in person. We never wrote "I love you", but it was really special to get the occasional "Thinking of you" friendship card.)

 

Delivering it in person like that DOES put him on the spot, and he'll probably not know how to respond. I'd suggest trying to get it to him before your date, or perhaps slipping it into a pocket (backpack, etc) where he (and ONLY he!) will find it afterwards.

 

He's kind of oblivious to things like that, he will likely not remember where they are, or even find them if I slip them somewhere. I want to tell him in person I just know that I will stumble over the words. I want to see his reaction to it...I am just honestly too scared to blurt it out. Believe me, I've tried.

[bobmarley]

I'm still in the camp that he should say it first.

 

 

Think about how very romantic it would be if he used this move on you?

 

Me too, sort of...but how much longer do I have to wait? I don't want this to tear us apart, because honestly, it's making me insecure in the wonderful relationship that we do have, and it's making me act funny. It's making me go into a pensive, "why doesn't he love me/if he does why won't he say" type of place during our dates and having to make up a reason why I'm spaced out, and it makes me sad every night he kisses me on my doorstep and doesn't say it. I think my behavior is unfair to both of us, and I think it's time I took my love life into my own hands and got vulnerable with him.

 

And he won't use this move on me, I'm confident in that...if he were going to tell me, he wouldn't write it down, he'd make sure to say it. Plus he doesn't own the stationery in question, and that's kinda integral to the way I've set things up.

[bobmarley]

In general that sounds rather romantic! (My wife and I wrote to each other, sight unseen, for over 3 months before we met in person. We never wrote "I love you", but it was really special to get the occasional "Thinking of you" friendship card.)

 

Delivering it in person like that DOES put him on the spot, and he'll probably not know how to respond. I'd suggest trying to get it to him before your date, or perhaps slipping it into a pocket (backpack, etc) where he (and ONLY he!) will find it afterwards.

 

 

Should I leave it in his car when I leave? I am worried that if he ignores them or doesn't notice them I'll take it the wrong way and assume he doesn't love me, rather than believing that he's not ready and/or hasn't opened them.

 

Plus, does it count as saying it if it isn't in person? If I don't look at him? If he doesn't hear my voice?

[bobmarley]

I'm still in the camp that he should say it first.

 

 

Think about how very romantic it would be if he used this move on you?

 

If I just leave them in his car after I've gone home from our date, does that count as saying first? Technically he still has to verbalize it first..

[ThomasD]

...I am just honestly too scared to blurt it out. Believe me, I've tried.

Well, you know how GUYS feel about this step! (Did you ever read "The Courtship of Miles Standish" in High School? Yeah, sometimes the girl has to make a move and pry it out of the guy.)

 

I should have mentioned that my previous comments assume you KNOW he is at the same stage, or at least VERY close, to this kind of feeling for you.

 

If you want to make a kind of cute, romantic, game of it - include blank stationery and envelope with your message, so he can write back. But it sounds like he may not get the hint, so don't set your hopes too high. And it may even be necessary to remind him, "Hey, you asked for a note written in a certain way on THIS stationery - so here it is.".

[bobmarley]

Well, you know how GUYS feel about this step! (Did you ever read "The Courtship of Miles Standish" in High School? Yeah, sometimes the girl has to make a move and pry it out of the guy.)

 

I should have mentioned that my previous comments assume you KNOW he is at the same stage, or at least VERY close, to this kind of feeling for you.

 

If you want to make a kind of cute, romantic, game of it - include blank stationery and envelope with your message, so he can write back. But it sounds like he may not get the hint, so don't set your hopes too high. And it may even be necessary to remind him, "Hey, you asked for a note written in a certain way on THIS stationery - so here it is.".

 

Ha, yes I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is close to this stage, I would bet my life savings that he is at the same stage as I am, but that being said, my life savings is not a huge sum of money. In case you haven't guessed, I am insecure and mid-20s haha.

 

It's not bloody likely that he'll write back either way, he'll definitely say what he feels. I am just terrified, he is picking me up for our date in 35 minutes and I have yet to decide what to do!

[ThomasD]

Plus, does it count as saying it if it isn't in person? If I don't look at him? If he doesn't hear my voice?

I obviously don't know you or your guy very well so it's hard to give really specific advice. It's a tricky situation for BOTH of you and either (or both) of you could misinterpret it. As a guy, if a girl handed that to me I would think it was very romantic but at the same time feel awkward and very unsure of how to respond. (And yes, she might think my befuddlement was actually cute!)

 

And if I WAS at the same point of feelings for the girl, I would probably assault her with passionate kisses, and even physical intimacies a little beyond the limits of our previous lovemaking before responding in kind.

 

Yes, eventually (and hopefully much sooner, rather than later) you should be able to look at each other and say it to each other.

[ThomasD]

Ha, yes I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is close to this stage, . . . he is picking me up for our date in 35 minutes and I have yet to decide what to do!

Wow! If you give it to him at the start of the evening it will change at least the tone, if not the agenda, for the whole evening. By the end of the evening you may not be able to have a rational discussion about the implications just because of the late hour.

 

If you are reading him correctly (I wish I REALLY knew that you are!) it'll be OK regardless of how it's done. Yes it's frightening - actually, a "good" kind of scared - live the moment and PLEASE let me know what happened!

[bobmarley]

I obviously don't know you or your guy very well so it's hard to give really specific advice. It's a tricky situation for BOTH of you and either (or both) of you could misinterpret it. As a guy, if a girl handed that to me I would think it was very romantic but at the same time feel awkward and very unsure of how to respond. (And yes, she might think my befuddlement was actually cute!)

 

And if I WAS at the same point of feelings for the girl, I would probably assault her with passionate kisses, and even physical intimacies a little beyond the limits of our previous lovemaking before responding in kind.

 

Yes, eventually (and hopefully much sooner, rather than later) you should be able to look at each other and say it to each other.

 

I mean obviously that's the next step. I feel like once I make sure he knows, I will have an easier time saying it. I feel as if he'll feel a little unsure of how to respond no matter how I do it, because I am not a direct person, or a person who enjoys being vulnerable in any way. I like to wait for others to put themselves out there before I do it myself, and I have been this way through our entire relationship. However, I have started to be untruthful to him to keep the "I love you"s from falling out of my mouth, and I don't want to EVER be dishonest, so the time has come for me to be as vulnerable as my poor overoccupied mind will allow.

[bobmarley]

Wow! If you give it to him at the start of the evening it will change at least the tone, if not the agenda, for the whole evening. By the end of the evening you may not be able to have a rational discussion about the implications just because of the late hour.

 

If you are reading him correctly (I wish I REALLY knew that you are!) it'll be OK regardless of how it's done. Yes it's frightening - actually, a "good" kind of scared - live the moment and PLEASE let me know what happened!

 

I think I'm good-scared. He's picking me up in less than 20 minutes, and I haven't even thought about getting ready because I am so nervous. We are going to the ballet, and so I was thinking about handing them to him at the second intermission, so that he won't feel obligated to respond if the show starts back up, and so that if he doesn't respond in kind right away, I can have an excuse to cry through the third act.

[ThomasD]

. . . I have started to be untruthful to him to keep the "I love you"s from falling out of my mouth, and I don't want to EVER be dishonest, so the time has come for me to be as vulnerable as my poor overoccupied mind will allow.

I admire you. Sounds like you are willing to risk your emotions and rejection to maintain your integrity. Kind of, "Even if you don't feel the same way, I have to somehow let you know how I feel about you. I hope we can at least talk about this."

 

Oh - and initially, I would have guessed you were closer to 17 or 18.

[ThomasD]

. . . if he doesn't respond in kind right away, I can have an excuse to cry through the third act.

Please don't cry. That is emotional blackmail, and will NOT help the situation regardless of which way it is going.

[ThomasD]

. . . We are going to the ballet, and so I was thinking about handing them to him at the second intermission, . . .

Never been to a ballet performance, though I think I should to avoid being labeled as "culturally deprived". I think you have a good plan.

[Phantom888]

If you love him, you should tell him. I have realized that life is too short to keep feelings hidden. Yes there may be pressure if he/she isn't ready to hear those words, but love is too grand to remain hidden. If you feel it, say it!

[bobmarley]

Update: He told me he wasn't ready to say it back yet, and tried to apologize. I told him not to apologize and that I understood. I didn't cry until I got home and into my bathtub. I am a little hurt, but I am glad that he was honest with me, and it doesn't appear that I've scared him off. I am happy that I shared my feelings, and will try not to withdraw from him in the future because he couldn't reply in kind at this point.

[soccerrprp]

I'm still in the camp that he should say it first.

 

 

Think about how very romantic it would be if he used this move on you?

 

Why, I wonder, should or would you prefer the guy to say it first? Is it any less romantic if the woman said it first?

 

Just curious...

[ThomasD]

Update: He told me he wasn't ready to say it back yet . . .

I'm sorry the results aren't more encouraging. You have my permission to cry now, if that's good for you.

 

Based on this discussion thread - which isn't much to go on, but possibly insightful nevertheless - and assuming his response is sincere and not just a ploy to let you down easy - it sounds like you two have an honest relationship with fairly good communication. That's good!

 

(Give the guy some credit. He could have given you a "This must be a joke, right?" response. He could have just taken you home. Or disappeared without taking you home. Or pulled the "If you REALLY loved me you would have sex with me." line, before disappearing.)

 

I don't think your relationship is any worse off now than it was, say, yesterday. In fact, it's probably improved because more is out in the open. From here your relationship may grow and flourish, or it may fizzle and die. I have no idea which way it will go, and based only on the information you've presented here I don't think you can accurately predict, either.

 

There is nothing you can do to "make" him love you. (And certainly not sex!) But don't give up on the idea that it will happen in due time. Don't try to change what you are, or who you are, to encourage him to love you - if it happens, he will love the you that is uniquely YOU.

 

Love is, after all, a commitment to a person. As I implied in some previous posts I see some very admirable qualities in your personality. I hope he recognizes them, too.

[ThomasD]

. . . Is it any less romantic if the woman said it first?

I don't think so.

 

Yes, if I was not very close to feeling similarly - AND somewhat low in personal integrity - I may try to exploit or manipulate the other person for my own gain. But that sort of behavior is gender neutral under those circumstances: women can do it to men as well as men doing it to women.

[ThomasD]

Do not ever say I love you to a man first. Then he will have power over you, or feel smothered/weirded out/annoyed if he doesnt feel the same. Let the guy say it first.

Those feelings and behavior can go either way.

 

(Ummm . . . some people might see your comment as encouraging women to practice evasiveness or even misrepresentation in their relationship communications. I don't think you meant to say that.)

 

Guys take longer to fall in love anyway.

I don't think that's a very accurate statement. Do you have evidence to support it?

 

Among my acquaintances there are some where the woman had to wait for the guy to "come around", and others where the guy was quite devoted to the woman for a while before she responded in kind. It's not exactly the same question, but you see a similar mixed pattern in the thread "Who brought up getting married?" at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/398093-who-brought-up-getting-married

[bobmarley]

I'm sorry the results aren't more encouraging. You have my permission to cry now, if that's good for you.

 

Based on this discussion thread - which isn't much to go on, but possibly insightful nevertheless - and assuming his response is sincere and not just a ploy to let you down easy - it sounds like you two have an honest relationship with fairly good communication. That's good!

 

(Give the guy some credit. He could have given you a "This must be a joke, right?" response. He could have just taken you home. Or disappeared without taking you home. Or pulled the "If you REALLY loved me you would have sex with me." line, before disappearing.)

 

I don't think your relationship is any worse off now than it was, say, yesterday. In fact, it's probably improved because more is out in the open. From here your relationship may grow and flourish, or it may fizzle and die. I have no idea which way it will go, and based only on the information you've presented here I don't think you can accurately predict, either.

 

There is nothing you can do to "make" him love you. (And certainly not sex!) But don't give up on the idea that it will happen in due time. Don't try to change what you are, or who you are, to encourage him to love you - if it happens, he will love the you that is uniquely YOU.

 

Love is, after all, a commitment to a person. As I implied in some previous posts I see some very admirable qualities in your personality. I hope he recognizes them, too.

 

Thanks for your advice. Now I think the next step is trying to pull myself together and accept his feelings, and go on as normal. I am worried about normal girlfriend behaviors and normal things I say making me look like a bunny boiler in light of my recent revelation, however. For instance, I reflexively reply with "I love it when you call me that", whenever he calls me by my favorite pet name, but now I am afraid that will make him feel pressured. I also feel like I can no longer tell him how I feel about him (that I like him, he's special, I'm grateful for him, etc) without scaring him or making him feel pressured to say ily back. That being said, I don't want to go back to the aloof Rules girl of days past, where I was wary of even holding his hand too tightly, and certainly would never call or text except in response, and who would never show affection without his initiating.

 

I have been crying for the better part of four and a half hours, which is ridiculous because I was originally afraid that he would lie to me...and I keep hearing things hitting my window, and I always hope that it's him throwing rocks at it (he lives in my neighborhood, yep, I've fallen for the boy next door), because we've joked about it. But that's just my jilted feelings playing tricks on me.

[ThomasD]

I think you have a decent grasp of the situation and the challenges it brings, as an intelligent young woman should. (My apologies for initially placing you as High School-age. You really ARE more mature than that. )

 

No, you should NOT try to pressure him, trap him, trick him, or manipulate him. As difficult as it sounds, continue to admire him, respect him, and treat him like the boyfriend you love. It's a fine line to walk. If he senses you are pulling back from him (because he couldn't, with integrity, return the declaration) it could look like you delivered an ultimatum in an attempt to manipulate him, and witholding the signs of affection is the " . . . or else . . . " he must endure for not going along with your wishes. If you increase your attention to him or step up the loving gestures, it definitely reinforces the idea that you are using these things as bargaining chips to make him give in.

 

I know there are contrary opinions floating around here, but I personally put a lot of value and respect on honesty and forthrightness. (That doesn't mean cruelty or brutality.) If HE steps away and goes silent, you have a right to ask for an explanation - and to tell him that you still admire, respect, and care for him. When last night comes up in discussion (and I suspect it will, though probably not today) you can (honestly) say that you were disappointed, even hurt, but you genuinely want to understand his perspective. (And I hope you really do!)

 

As for crying . . . I was sincere when I "gave you permission" to cry. I was equally sincere when I referred to it as "emotional blackmail". If you really WANT him to lie to you with disingenuous statements that he thinks you want to hear, then breaking out in tears is a tactic which can achieve that result. Or, he might allow you to go cry by yourself - even leaving so you may do that - and MAYBE resume the conversation at some other time. (And stepping up the intensity with statements like, "Here I am crying and YOU don't even CARE!!" will probably increase the damage.) Enough said about that.

 

Wandering a little off topic, the "boy next door" comments caught my attention. Around Jr High or High School age (before I actually had anything like a girlfriend) I thought it would be cool to have a "girl next door" girlfriend. In my naive thinking, that somehow represented true companionship, friendship, and mental intimacy, as well as the emotional attachment and intimacy I envisioned from a "girlfriend". I wanted to be "in like" as well as "in love" (and yes, I hoped it would eventually be safe to be "in lust" as well). It didn't happen - my first girlfriend (for about 6 months at the end of High School and the summer after) was a H.S. classmate but we lived at far corners of the school attendance area, so outside of school our paths wouldn't cross by chance. Four years later, my second girlfriend started with a sight-unseen exchange of letters (U.S. mail) for over 3 months due to over 700 miles separation. (Shortly after our first in-person meeting the distance was down to 200 miles and we spent weekends together until we married a little over a year after our first meeting.) But neither one was a close-by "buddy" I could drop in on to share a few words, like I imagined in my fantasy. (My wife's sister WAS H.S. sweetheart with a boy from an adjacent farm about half a mile down the road, and they did marry, but their relationship has been a bit rough and pot-holed like the gravel road they lived on - so maybe my fantasy of the girl-next-door girlfriend works better as a fantasy than a reality.)

 

(I don't think I've ever heard the term "bunny boiler" and can't imagine what it might mean. If it's best not to be one, then you probably shouldn't be one.)

[bobmarley]

I think you have a decent grasp of the situation and the challenges it brings, as an intelligent young woman should. (My apologies for initially placing you as High School-age. You really ARE more mature than that. )

 

No, you should NOT try to pressure him, trap him, trick him, or manipulate him. As difficult as it sounds, continue to admire him, respect him, and treat him like the boyfriend you love. It's a fine line to walk. If he senses you are pulling back from him (because he couldn't, with integrity, return the declaration) it could look like you delivered an ultimatum in an attempt to manipulate him, and witholding the signs of affection is the " . . . or else . . . " he must endure for not going along with your wishes. If you increase your attention to him or step up the loving gestures, it definitely reinforces the idea that you are using these things as bargaining chips to make him give in.

 

I know there are contrary opinions floating around here, but I personally put a lot of value and respect on honesty and forthrightness. (That doesn't mean cruelty or brutality.) If HE steps away and goes silent, you have a right to ask for an explanation - and to tell him that you still admire, respect, and care for him. When last night comes up in discussion (and I suspect it will, though probably not today) you can (honestly) say that you were disappointed, even hurt, but you genuinely want to understand his perspective. (And I hope you really do!)

 

As for crying . . . I was sincere when I "gave you permission" to cry. I was equally sincere when I referred to it as "emotional blackmail". If you really WANT him to lie to you with disingenuous statements that he thinks you want to hear, then breaking out in tears is a tactic which can achieve that result. Or, he might allow you to go cry by yourself - even leaving so you may do that - and MAYBE resume the conversation at some other time. (And stepping up the intensity with statements like, "Here I am crying and YOU don't even CARE!!" will probably increase the damage.) Enough said about that.

 

Wandering a little off topic, the "boy next door" comments caught my attention. Around Jr High or High School age (before I actually had anything like a girlfriend) I thought it would be cool to have a "girl next door" girlfriend. In my naive thinking, that somehow represented true companionship, friendship, and mental intimacy, as well as the emotional attachment and intimacy I envisioned from a "girlfriend". I wanted to be "in like" as well as "in love" (and yes, I hoped it would eventually be safe to be "in lust" as well). It didn't happen - my first girlfriend (for about 6 months at the end of High School and the summer after) was a H.S. classmate but we lived at far corners of the school attendance area, so outside of school our paths wouldn't cross by chance. Four years later, my second girlfriend started with a sight-unseen exchange of letters (U.S. mail) for over 3 months due to over 700 miles separation. (Shortly after our first in-person meeting the distance was down to 200 miles and we spent weekends together until we married a little over a year after our first meeting.) But neither one was a close-by "buddy" I could drop in on to share a few words, like I imagined in my fantasy. (My wife's sister WAS H.S. sweetheart with a boy from an adjacent farm about half a mile down the road, and they did marry, but their relationship has been a bit rough and pot-holed like the gravel road they lived on - so maybe my fantasy of the girl-next-door girlfriend works better as a fantasy than a reality.)

 

(I don't think I've ever heard the term "bunny boiler" and can't imagine what it might mean. If it's best not to be one, then you probably shouldn't be one.)

 

Thanks for all your help. "Bunny boiler" reference to Fatal Attraction, so yes, it's best not to be one. I'm happy that he was honest and upfront with me. And today he is trying very hard to continue being kind to me and making plans for the future. He is really putting forth effort into making me feel safe and okay. And he seemed a little surprised when my voice cracked a little on the phone with him. Which I take to be a good sign. He's really great at reading me or predicting my behavior, so the fact that he didn't expect me to be upset makes me feel like he felt he didn't give me a reason to be upset.

 

We have a date tonight, so we will see how it goes. I also imagine that he chose his words very carefully when responding to me, and so I choose to believe literally what he said. And as such, I'm going to give him until the end of the month to sort out how he feels and then if he hasn't said he loves me, or hasn't given any indication that things are heading in that direction, I'll ask if he sees himself loving me in the future and proceed accordingly.