starlet86 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I am actually going insane. I went from no contact to borrowing my ex £2000 to help him buy a house. I don't even know how it happened. He kept texting me saying he hated it how we weren't speaking and stuff and I started replying, because it was killing me not speaking to him. Then we got talking about stuff and he mentioned he was in the process of buying a house but was 2k short on the deposit and the next thing I offered to lend him the money. He didn't even ask!!! We then continued to speak and I said that I think we should stop contact. I have lent him the money but as I still have feelings for him, I think we shouldn't stay in contact because it will be too hard for me to try and be his friend and he said he doesn't want that, he'd hate for us not to speak. I would say he's only doing it for help with the house purchase but I've already given him the money and it was by bank transfer and he's used it so I can't just get it back. He has nothing to lose by me not speaking to him!!!! What the hell!??
Author starlet86 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 bump. I have just told him, I am going to really struggle at being his friend whilst I still have feelings for him and he said that I am overthinking everything and he would like to see how things progress, but just knowing he can speak to me is really cheering him up. I could really use some advice.
flitzanu Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 bump. I have just told him, I am going to really struggle at being his friend whilst I still have feelings for him and he said that I am overthinking everything and he would like to see how things progress, but just knowing he can speak to me is really cheering him up. I could really use some advice. 1. NC is not a two way street. he dumped you, you are the one in NC, not him. you broke rule #1 by talking to him. 2. never loan your ex 2K. i'd venture a guess that you thought it might wedge you back into his life because now he owes you and is forced to deal with you, and that's not the proper way to put yourself in someone's life. so what now? you hope and pray you get the money back. you aren't going to be able to be friends with him, because you have feelings for him. it's just not going to work for you. 1
flitzanu Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 She's not getting the money back. As far as the law is concerned, it's a gift. She'd spend more in small claims court trying to get it back... That money is gone for good. pretty good point. hate to say it but you're right.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Actually, it wasn't no contact going bad, it was contact that went bad. You caved, then you gave him a large sum of money. Had you stuck to your guns (which I realize is hard), you'd have your money back. And of course staying in contact with you will make him feel better. It absolves him of any guilt he might have from breaking up with you. He doesn't care how you feel about it, he just wants to feel better. Continuing to contact this guy, at least in the short term, is a terrible, terrible idea for you. In fact, I'd block his number and email, because you are obviously powerless against this guy. You just gave him 2,000 pounds (or Euros, not sure) for no real reason.
Leigh 87 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I know how hard it is to ignore a persuasive ex........ I know more than anyone. I doubt an ex could have a stronger hold on their ex girlfriend, than my ex. The master manipulator. Lovely guy:sick: My ex left me yet kept insisting that we talk, as it makes him a lot happier to have me in his life. I tried No Contact but we both caved on more than one occasion. I also told him that I DO NOT want to be his friend, because I am in love with him. He manipulated me by saying that he was also in love with me, had never felt this way about anyone else, could see himself having a life with me, yet we were both too toxic to have a relationship right now. He even said that he did not want us to see other people, because he wanted to see if we could both change for the better, so we can be together again. .............................. it is SO hard to resist him and I am currently in the process of trying to turn my back on what feels good temporarily, and do what is best long term. For the both of us. I know how it feels to struggle against such a strong pull towards a guy. And my gut says my ex is not LYING to me, and he means what he says. ................................................ I think that more time away from your ex will help, I am sure it will help me! Don't feel too silly about the loan - I am too nice to people at times, I always gave away my lunch money to people growing up, even though they had more money than I did. I also went out of my way for my ex, and even picked him up last weekend like I always did during our relationship; he was drunk at a friends house and wanted me to pick him up. I struggled to fight against it, because he mum recently died, and he was always obsessed with me picking him up and hugging him I bed afterwards. He was actually co dependant on me, and I find it SO. HARD. To be indifferent to that:( I am so sorry about the loss of your money; he won't give it back............ That is a lot of money. Don;t let it be totally in vain! At least LEARN that you were way too nice and, in future; DO NOT LEND THAT MUCH MONEY. To ANYONE.
d0620 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I think you gave him the money hoping he would realize that you would do anything for him and you would always have his back. I understand, but later if you don't get the money back you will feel like he used you. I don't know your financial situation, so losing 2000 might not be too bad for you, its the betrayal or the realization that loaning him the money didn't get you any closer to being with him. I gave my ex $1,000 gift card . I tried to recall exactly what I was thinking at the time I gave it to him. I gave him the card because I wanted to help him and I loved him. He also didn't ask for it. It took me only 1 day to regret doing it because I realized he didn't love me the same but most important he didn't appreciate me. He makes more money than I do, yet I gave him help. It really brought some perspective that he didn't offer to give it back. Somewhere I felt that if he knew he didn't have those types of feelings then why would he accept such a gift? Selfish
Author starlet86 Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Wow, you all must know terrible people. As promised I received the money back in my account today. I loaned him the money to finalise a payment on his home for him and his two kids. He paid me back and still wants to be friends. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Wow, you all must know terrible people. As promised I received the money back in my account today. I loaned him the money to finalise a payment on his home for him and his two kids. He paid me back and still wants to be friends. It's good that he gave you the money back, but in general what you did was a bad idea. I'd go NC from here on out. 1
landshark Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 OK, Star, like most are saying on this thread, go back to NC, and stay there. Why do you want to be friends with this guy, because talking to him gives you "something to look forward to?" If you want to be stuck in the friend zone and continue to be disappointed, do the friend thing, that is, until he finds somebody else and then you're in real bad shape. Doing things for this guy will not bring him back, do for yourself by enjoying your friends/family, having fun and healing from what has happened. He was fortunate to have you, and now, he loses. When you internalize that one, you will have no reason to pick up that phone...
Author starlet86 Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 No, I completely agree. I now need to cut my loses. I didn't ever want to be jus friend. I don't now want to be his friend. I just need to move on. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Please understand: you are extremely fortunate that he paid you back. We have had many people discussing money on here never paid back. I'm glad he paid you back - but believe me - believe us - you are really, but really lucky. The majority of 'loaners' lost out big time. As for NC - it's true. If he contacts you, he's not breaking it. If you respond - you are. Keep strong, move on. Good luck. 1
landshark Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 No, I completely agree. I now need to cut my loses. I didn't ever want to be jus friend. I don't now want to be his friend. I just need to move on. Way to go! Friendzone be damned! It's gonna get better, to paraphrase Tara: NC is cold turkey for the heart...
Author starlet86 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I woke up this morning to a text saying. "you may think this doesn't kill me, but it does. I see you everyday in work and I just want to grab you and tell you to come home, but I'm so scared right now that everything will fall through at the last second and I'll snap and push you away again. I can't forgive myself for hurting you and sending you away. You think I'm getting everything I want but I'm not because everything I wanted I had and I gave it away because I couldn't handle my own emotions. It wasn't ever your fault, I just didn't want to make you unhappy so I could be happy. I don't know where we may end up. I know every day you become a little further from my reach and I know that if you never come back it's my own doing. I'm sorry for what I done. You never deserved a second of it. If you never want to speak to me again then ok, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to stop trying to rectify my mistake. Mind games? I didn't reply, but it has took the wind out my sails. He always said it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the fact he was so stressed and becoming someone unworthy of me.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Please understand: you are extremely fortunate that he paid you back. We have had many people discussing money on here never paid back. I'm glad he paid you back - but believe me - believe us - you are really, but really lucky. The majority of 'loaners' lost out big time. As for NC - it's true. If he contacts you, he's not breaking it. If you respond - you are. Keep strong, move on. Good luck. Just realize you're the exception, not the rule. You were re-paid. Me? Not only was I tossed to the curb (along with three kids) but as I slept and lived at a friends house (on the floor- with my kids) until i could afford a place of our own, I actually felt BAD for her, as she relied on MY paycheck to pay her mortgage, SO IDIOT ME KEPT GIVING HER MONEY!!! Talk about STUPID???? (oh, and she told me I was merely a tenant) Consider yourself VERY fortunate. Now cut ALL ties and go NC!
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I woke up this morning to a text saying. "you may think this doesn't kill me, but it does. I see you everyday in work and I just want to grab you and tell you to come home, but I'm so scared right now that everything will fall through at the last second and I'll snap and push you away again. I can't forgive myself for hurting you and sending you away. You think I'm getting everything I want but I'm not because everything I wanted I had and I gave it away because I couldn't handle my own emotions. It wasn't ever your fault, I just didn't want to make you unhappy so I could be happy. I don't know where we may end up. I know every day you become a little further from my reach and I know that if you never come back it's my own doing. I'm sorry for what I done. You never deserved a second of it. If you never want to speak to me again then ok, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to stop trying to rectify my mistake. Mind games? I didn't reply, but it has took the wind out my sails. He always said it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the fact he was so stressed and becoming someone unworthy of me. I'm sure it's not intentional, but yes. it'snMind-games. Where there does he ask you to come back? Where there does he seek reconciliation? For all his regret, for all his remorse, he never seeks to try again. This is a 'poor me' message. This is designed to make you believe he's a 'victim'. How does he intend to rectify his mistake? Only he knows that, because he gives no indication of the fact that he wants to be with you again. It's a gloriously dramatic helping of breadcrumbs. D.R.A.M.A. Damn Retard After More Attention. ( I dislike the term 'retard' - I didn't invent this - but I'm still looking for a more appropriate term beginning with 'R'.) 2
RangerJeremiah Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Don't reply to that ****. Leave it alone, he's trying to play you. Don't let him.
landshark Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Agreed, D.R.A.M.A. and breadcrumbs!!! Where's the beef? Star, you're too good for this, don't respond and let him stew in his own neurotic prune juice. Only respond if you get something tangible like, let's talk about us!
Simon Phoenix Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Agree with the others. A lot of sizzle, not much steak to that message.
flitzanu Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I woke up this morning to a text saying. "you may think this doesn't kill me, but it does. I see you everyday in work and I just want to grab you and tell you to come home, but I'm so scared right now that everything will fall through at the last second and I'll snap and push you away again. I can't forgive myself for hurting you and sending you away. You think I'm getting everything I want but I'm not because everything I wanted I had and I gave it away because I couldn't handle my own emotions. It wasn't ever your fault, I just didn't want to make you unhappy so I could be happy. I don't know where we may end up. I know every day you become a little further from my reach and I know that if you never come back it's my own doing. I'm sorry for what I done. You never deserved a second of it. If you never want to speak to me again then ok, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to stop trying to rectify my mistake. Mind games? I didn't reply, but it has took the wind out my sails. He always said it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the fact he was so stressed and becoming someone unworthy of me. and in all that emo blubbering he sent you, not once did he say "i want you back".
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