Author J_L_C Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Nobody in my 'regular' life seems to understand what I'm going through. All they keep saying are things like "buckle down, be strong and get over it". Little do they know that if they spent one day in my head, they wouldn't be saying this crap to me. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I went through a year of DBT (dialectal behavior therapy) and it did very little for me. Even my doctors told me that I respond best to "physiological" type interventions versus behavioral type therapies. In fact, I am starting Rtms in a few weeks. This is pretty much my last hope. It's specifically designed for people with depression, emotional regulation issues, impulse control, ADHD and OCD...all of which I have issues with. I'm pretty much putting my life on the line for this, but unfortunately, it only has a 50% success rate. For those people it has worked for however, it's changed their lives.
HopelessRomantick Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 (edited) I feel for you JLC. There was no abuse involved in my relationship but she ripped my heart out last July. Been 10 months and I've been living in a prison of thoughts, questions, confusion, memories.... I feel hopeless, lonely and helpless. I'm tired and my head hurts. I was married for quite some time and never dated much before I met my xwife. Then I met the woman of whom I loved, my soulmate and still do love her unconditionally and she left me. She gave reasons and at the time they made sense. But none of it makes sense anymore leaving me consumed with it all. This is really my first breakup and I never imagined it would devastate and affect me as it has. I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. But reading your post and how you regret sending has made me rethink my plan to email her. I don't know if I'm about to break a rule here but I will go on a limb and say if you'd like to chat on the phone about this and exchange experiences let me know. I don't know if we can PM here. Edited June 7, 2013 by HopelessRomantick
Author J_L_C Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I feel for you JLC. There was no abuse involved in my relationship but she ripped my heart out last July. Been 10 months and I've been living in a prison of thoughts, questions, confusion, memories.... I feel hopeless, lonely and helpless. I'm tired and my head hurts. I was married for quite some time and never dated much before I met my xwife. Then I met the woman of whom I loved, my soulmate and still do love her unconditionally and she left me. She gave reasons and at the time they made sense. But none of it makes sense anymore leaving me consumed with it all. This is really my first breakup and I never imagined it would devastate and affect me as it has. I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. But reading your post and how you regret sending has made me rethink my plan to email her. I don't know if I'm about to break a rule here but I will go on a limb and say if you'd like to chat on the phone about this and exchange experiences let me know. I don't know if we can PM here. I tried to PM you but it said you don't take PM messages
dreamingoftigers Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Nobody in my 'regular' life seems to understand what I'm going through. All they keep saying are things like "buckle down, be strong and get over it". Little do they know that if they spent one day in my head, they wouldn't be saying this crap to me. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I went through a year of DBT (dialectal behavior therapy) and it did very little for me. Even my doctors told me that I respond best to "physiological" type interventions versus behavioral type therapies. In fact, I am starting Rtms in a few weeks. This is pretty much my last hope. It's specifically designed for people with depression, emotional regulation issues, impulse control, ADHD and OCD...all of which I have issues with. I'm pretty much putting my life on the line for this, but unfortunately, it only has a 50% success rate. For those people it has worked for however, it's changed their lives. EMDR honey. Seriously. It's like a miracle. Especially with the abandonment stuff.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 (edited) I tried to PM you but it said you don't take PM messages You need 50 posts and 30 days since you started. I also noticed that you are a BPD sufferer. EMDR helped 10X more than anything CBT/DBT did. You can't effectively process the CBT/DBT stuff without your frontal lobes communicating properly. PM me. Edited June 7, 2013 by dreamingoftigers
BC1980 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 And then I tried looking at it objectively and I realized that 90% of the rage was at myself. For staying with him longer than I should have. For ignoring red flags. For making him my entire world and allowing him to walk all over me. For staying when he told me he cheated. For making excuses for him whenever he did something wrong or disrespected me. I used to get so mad at my ex for what he did to me, but you're right KatZee. I was mad at myself and had no one to blame but myself for staying in a situation with someone who kept stringing me along. I put myself in that situation, so what would it matter to tell him all of this and say nasty things to him? What does it accomplish? Time is better spent on being the best person you can be. 1
Author J_L_C Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 The thing I'm having a problem with now is wondering if he ever loved me at all! If he met this girl on vacation ONCE and can already say he is in love with her, what is his love based on? Sounds like lust. If he falls that quickly and intensely, it often fizzles out. That's what happened with us. Does he even know what love is? 10 days with a girl? So I feel down on myself because I question if it was the same thing with me. We met online and before we even met he was saying how much he liked me and thought we'd really work! Shortly after we met and went on a few dates, he "loved" me. WTF. I don't believe he ever did now because it seems like he doesn't even know the meaning of the word.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 The thing I'm having a problem with now is wondering if he ever loved me at all! If he met this girl on vacation ONCE and can already say he is in love with her, what is his love based on? Sounds like lust. If he falls that quickly and intensely, it often fizzles out. That's what happened with us. Does he even know what love is? 10 days with a girl? So I feel down on myself because I question if it was the same thing with me. We met online and before we even met he was saying how much he liked me and thought we'd really work! Shortly after we met and went on a few dates, he "loved" me. WTF. I don't believe he ever did now because it seems like he doesn't even know the meaning of the word. I'd say that regardless of what his feelings and intents may have been, his actions don't match his words and that is not a good choice for a mate.
BC1980 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You have so many emotions that I can understand why you are where you are. You really need to detox and be single for awhile. Work on yourself, and get therapy.
HopelessRomantick Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Sorry J_L_C. I just saw your message about PM. I subscribed now and can receive PMs. 1
Author J_L_C Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 My ex had always told me months after our breakup that I was a sweet and wonderful person, and there wasnt anything "bad" about me. I doubt he feels that way now and I kick myself for laying it all out there, because now he can say I AM a bad person. I never wanted to leave a sour taste in his mouth because at least he knew he'd walked away from a good person. Now I just gave him the leverage he needed to reinforce his decision to walk away. His fond memories of me were taken away by the terrible things I said to him the other day. How do I get past knowing I did this to myself and I gave him that final push and now ill never EVER hear from again...my actions made that a certainty.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 You do as suggested. You quit beating yourself up and go for therapy. You won't listen to any reasoning on here. it's getting to the point now where we're just all repeating the same things. You need therapy. Work on it with a will. You cite 50% failure rate. That means there's a good 50/50 chance it will work, too. be one of the ones determined to make it work. Don't be defeatist. You depend on you.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 My ex had always told me months after our breakup that I was a sweet and wonderful person, and there wasnt anything "bad" about me. I doubt he feels that way now and I kick myself for laying it all out there, because now he can say I AM a bad person. I never wanted to leave a sour taste in his mouth because at least he knew he'd walked away from a good person. Now I just gave him the leverage he needed to reinforce his decision to walk away. His fond memories of me were taken away by the terrible things I said to him the other day. How do I get past knowing I did this to myself and I gave him that final push and now ill never EVER hear from again...my actions made that a certainty. Look, you are aware of your diagnosis, right? You know that you are going to flip back and forth between he's all wrong and you are all wrong. But more toward blaming yourself. Since you know that this IS a construct of your diagnosis and not necessarily a reality, (I know it FEELS like it SO STRONG) what's your next move? What's the middle ground that you have trouble forming? Why are you not permitted to have flaws after you know full well that he has much worse and pervasive flaws. Having feelings and even being in love with him does not make him any less flawed. Nor would him being "less-flawed" make you any more flawed. You are pounding on yourself because you have felt that everyone you love will leave because there is something wrong with you. And if they truly loved you that would mean that there is something wrong with them. Both statements are fallacies. Your intermittent behaviour is not what makes up the core of you. A one-off failure to contain one's temper with somewhat insurmountable odds to not constrain you to "badness" or "failure." At least form a criteria or definition to either that applies to everyone. Not one set of rules that applies to you and another that applies to everyone else. Can you accept that because of your diagnosis that is not fully treated that there is an acceptable middle ground that you can't see right now. I know that not seeing it isn't all that comforting. But perhaps knowing that it exists will slow you from debasing yourself and him back and forth?
Author J_L_C Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 You do as suggested. You quit beating yourself up and go for therapy. You won't listen to any reasoning on here. it's getting to the point now where we're just all repeating the same things. You need therapy. Work on it with a will. You cite 50% failure rate. That means there's a good 50/50 chance it will work, too. be one of the ones determined to make it work. Don't be defeatist. You depend on you. I am most definitely determined to make it work. I have high hopes for this treatment, but I know it's also not a cure-all. I have to out an effort to make it work. As Ive said before, I lay it all out on the line for him. I said everything I needed to say. Things that had been building up and building up within me to the point where the pot blew its lid. I felt freed to get it all out, but at what cost? I brought myself down in his eyes. People keep saying "but you shouldn't care what he thinks", but now I look like the lesser person and I never wanted to stoop to his level. That is about ME and how "I" feel. I never wanted to be anything less than the apparent "wonderful and sweet" person he knew me to be. He did and said some horrible things post-breakup and I could at least tell myself I never dropped to that level. But I've let myself down and it feels like he has won because he can now say "she was a heartless, psychotic biatch with the those things she said to me" and I HATE that my ill-will gave him that power and he will just never think he did anything wrong...jerking off and all.
L1ght Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) You would not believe the things I said to my ex after the pure rage I experienced from being obliterated from her life. After analysing the emotions I initially felt I would have to say they somewhat equated to the feeling of being in a car with someone driving at 200miles an hour then out of nowhere all of a sudden being pummelled through the window and crashing to the kerb while being left for dead like road kill as they continued speeding down the highway. I was furious and said everything a person could say in order to hurt someone's feelings and I even felt guilty about it from time to time as I went through the emotional roller coaster ride we all go through but now I honestly don't feel bad about it at all because I know how much my words hurt her....I'm glad they hurt her and it gives me great satisfaction to know that before she moves on(if she already hasn't) she will have to deal with knowing that every good word I ever said to her has been taken back tenfold. It's over, good riddance. Edited June 8, 2013 by L1ght
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I am most definitely determined to make it work. I have high hopes for this treatment, but I know it's also not a cure-all. I have to out an effort to make it work. As Ive said before, I lay it all out on the line for him. I said everything I needed to say. Things that had been building up and building up within me to the point where the pot blew its lid. I felt freed to get it all out, but at what cost? I brought myself down in his eyes. People keep saying "but you shouldn't care what he thinks", but now I look like the lesser person and I never wanted to stoop to his level. That is about ME and how "I" feel. I never wanted to be anything less than the apparent "wonderful and sweet" person he knew me to be. He did and said some horrible things post-breakup and I could at least tell myself I never dropped to that level. But I've let myself down and it feels like he has won because he can now say "she was a heartless, psychotic biatch with the those things she said to me" and I HATE that my ill-will gave him that power and he will just never think he did anything wrong...jerking off and all. If he's a naricissist, the shaming is the only thing that would reach him. You can't know for sure.
Author J_L_C Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I am pretty anxious when he goes away to see her knowing he will be spending 24/7 together. How do I stop my thoughts around that? It'll consume me.
BC1980 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 That is about ME and how "I" feel. I never wanted to be anything less than the apparent "wonderful and sweet" person he knew me to be. No, you have made it about him. You are upset about how you acted because he might view you as negative. You have admitted as much. Erase him from your life. He does not exist for you anymore. Get rid of any and all things that remind you of him. Delete his number. Throw away any pictures. I'm serious. You have a lot of healing to do, and it begins with yourself. You don't need this guy standing in the way of you getting better. You deserve to have a wonderful life, and you will only achieve that when you start living it for yourself. 1
Kamille Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I am pretty anxious when he goes away to see her knowing he will be spending 24/7 together. How do I stop my thoughts around that? It'll consume me. I don't know the situation: are you still living with him? I agree with BC1980: you are still making it about him because you worry that you'll have lost "worth" in his eyes. Why is what he thinks of you so important? 1
Author J_L_C Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I was just glad to know I hadn't stopped to such a low level as he. Despite the crap he threw my way, I never mistreated him or did anything that he could hold against me. But now that I lunged out, I let myself down. My emotions, despair, jealousy and built up rage got the better of me and I ended up stooping even lower than he and for that, I am SO disappointed I myself.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I was just glad to know I hadn't stopped to such a low level as he. Despite the crap he threw my way, I never mistreated him or did anything that he could hold against me. But now that I lunged out, I let myself down. My emotions, despair, jealousy and built up rage got the better of me and I ended up stooping even lower than he and for that, I am SO disappointed I myself. Um, expressing your anger is not lower than he did at all. You're really doing some heavy self-depricating here. Examine just how true the degrees are to your claim. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Frankly OP, The switch doesn't flip in us. It's part of the disorder you will literally "take it" until you throw yourself off of a bridge. That's why it's necessary that we draw our line and stick to it. It's actually imperative to our very survival.
Kamille Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I was just glad to know I hadn't stopped to such a low level as he. Despite the crap he threw my way, I never mistreated him or did anything that he could hold against me. But now that I lunged out, I let myself down. My emotions, despair, jealousy and built up rage got the better of me and I ended up stooping even lower than he and for that, I am SO disappointed I myself. I have no idea what you told him. But for some reason, I believe you didn't "invent" the anger you felt. (And I haven't read any of your threads before this one). What were you angry about that you expressed to him? And were you being fair to yourself by allowing yourself to feel that anger? Because, right now, what I'm reading is that you are not protecting the part of yourself that was hurt. That part of yourself, the part that felt legitimate anger at what he did to you. A part of yourself that has a right to express itself. 1
Author J_L_C Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I have no idea what you told him. But for some reason, I believe you didn't "invent" the anger you felt. (And I haven't read any of your threads before this one). What were you angry about that you expressed to him? And were you being fair to yourself by allowing yourself to feel that anger? Because, right now, what I'm reading is that you are not protecting the part of yourself that was hurt. That part of yourself, the part that felt legitimate anger at what he did to you. A part of yourself that has a right to express itself. I'm confused what you mean?
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I have no idea what you told him. But for some reason, I believe you didn't "invent" the anger you felt. (And I haven't read any of your threads before this one). What were you angry about that you expressed to him? And were you being fair to yourself by allowing yourself to feel that anger? Because, right now, what I'm reading is that you are not protecting the part of yourself that was hurt. That part of yourself, the part that felt legitimate anger at what he did to you. A part of yourself that has a right to express itself. That's the problem OP... ^^^^ This seems very clear to me, and the fact that you don't understand says a lot about where you are in this. Not trying to be a d*ck, but it is becoming quite obvious what is going on here.... 1
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