Recording of my daily inner thoughts

[mfleck91]

You can read this if you like, but be warned it is very long. An unsent message to my ex.

 

I don't know if and when you're going to read this. It could be tomorrow or it could be when you move out of the apartment months from now. It’s been 3 months since you left me. I may or may not contact you before you get this, I can't say for sure. This letter won't really have any organization to it, it's just a written representation of what goes through my mind on a normal day. I want you to see how I have been affected by all of this. Nothing in this is meant to be taken as mean or insulting, it is simply a raw recording of my thoughts.

 

I wake up, I feel ok for about 2 minutes, and then I become alert and remember I'm alone. I remember that she probably spent the night with someone who isn't me. ****, that sucks, well today's gonna be my average depressed day.

 

Alright, I know I should get out of bed, what's the point though, no one is waiting for me. I don't have plans, I never have plans. I bet Taylor has plans, probably off with all her friends or this exciting new guy of hers. She never wanted to do anything with me, she was always too busy, but she's not too busy for this new guy, hypocrite. Maybe it was me who didn't want to do things, it's been so long I don't remember, all I know is I would do things now.

 

I should eat breakfast but I'm just not hungry, I haven't had breakfast in months, my appetite is gone, but slowly returning. Alright, no breakfast today, I'll just have lunch in a few hours.

 

I go out to the couch and turn in the tv. I don't watch or listen, I just stare, and my mind wanders. I wonder what she is doing right now. Better yet what would we be doing together if she were still here? It's too painful to think about, I force myself to focus on something else. It doesn't matter, my mind will wander back to it in time.

 

Let’s check Facebook, maybe she has sent me a message....nope still nothing. I wonder if she'll ever talk to me, early on she said she would talk to me after time had passed. Well a lot of time has passed and still nothing. God that's selfish of her, how can she just turn her back on this so easily, it's as if I meant nothing to her. Maybe I do mean nothing to her.....I don't know how that's possible there's nothing she could do now that would surprise me. She pretty much acted like the opposite of the girl I loved, she would never do any of this. Maybe that girl is gone, but no, she still acts like the same girl with everyone else, she just treats me like crap. Ya me, the guy she supposedly loved for 4 years, I still can't wrap my mind around it.

 

How is she able to move on so easily? She's been with this other guy for a while now, god I hope they aren't serious, I'm worried. What a slap to the face, she ends up staying with the guy she left me for, what a cruel joke. She better not be sleeping with him.....that seriously bothers me. He doesn't deserve that, I was with her 4 years and it never happened. Then again I don't know who she is anymore, but she must know that if she is sleeping with him that it's ridiculously stupid and that I should have been her first. I can't stand the thought of them kissing or even touching each other. In my mind that should still be me, she is supposed to be committed to me.

 

God I miss her, maybe she'll come around someday, maybe there's still hope. No.....even if she did come back do you really expect to pick up where you left off? As much as I want that it isn't possible, there would be too many trust issues. I would always wonder who she was with and wider if she stayed in contact with the other guy. I guess we could never get back together anytime soon, it would have to be years down the road. But then I'll probably be long gone from here and she doesn't want a military life.....it's really over. **** that sucks.

 

What am I supposed to do with all these memories I have. I can't look anywhere or do anything without being reminded of her. Random memories I haven't thought of in years pop into my head. Like our first date mini golfing, going to warehouse 31 at Halloween and running into Casey. The first Disney cruise I went on with her family. The boat trip out senior year of high school. Our first 3day trip to Disney together. Out first day at college saying goodbye to our parents. Living in my old apartment with the original roomies, I really miss that. Meeting Greg at Epcot and doing food and wine festival, going to Halloween horror nights and mickeys Christmas party. Going to the beach and the zoo, seeing movies all the time. Our last cruise together was amazing....too bad I'll never get to talk about it with anyone. She thought I was going to propose and she would have said yes, so what changed?

 

Why did she fall out of love with me? How is that even possible? What about me wasn't good enough anymore, I didn't change did I? Could she have really changed that much that quickly? Even then what's wrong with me? I'm a nice person right? I'm easy going and easy to get along with. I loved her family and friends. I got along with them and they all liked me as far as I knew. That's right....she had me meet her family right before she left me, I still don't know what that was all about. Why would she bring me to spend time with her family, she had to know she was going to leave me.

 

She told me she loved me earlier in the day that she left me. How long was she lying while saying that? How long was she faking being on love? Nothing makes sense to me. Can she really get over me that easily? I thought I meant more than that. I was going to marry her......I don't want anyone else, there's no one else like her. Does she miss me at all? Does she ever think of me? God I just don't understand it, why did this happen?!

 

Don't worry, you'll find someone else. There have already been a few girls that you know find you attractive, hell one of them tried to sleep with you. Uh, but no other women compare to her, why can't I just have her back? I think she would like me now. I go out as much as I can now, I never say no. And when I do go out I get pretty crazy. That's really the only time I don't think of her. Maybe that's why she doesn't think of me, she just party's all the time to distract herself from what she did, plus she has this other guy now to distract her, god I hate thinking about that. It still makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Why doesn't she want to talk to me? I always want to talk to her. She's made me look like some creepy stalker ex who can't let go. If people only knew what she put me through they would all see that I'm the real victim. I was completely blindsided and then found out she already had someone else lined up. What the **** that is so messed up. I never thought she could do something like that, she really has changed. She isn't the girl I fell in love with anymore.....I don't know maybe she is, I'm just so confused.

 

Why can't I just let go, why can't I accept that she's gone and not coming back? I mean obviously I don't want to let go but when will I actually do it? Doesn't she know the misery she has put me through? I can't go 20 minutes without thinking of her. I haven't a single day where I can say I was honestly happy. I'm not me anymore and she couldn't care less. Whatever happens to me doesn't affect her so why should she care right? That's just horrible. She has absolutely no idea the pain I have felt. She thinks it’s difficult for her to talk to me? Bull****, she doesn't know what difficult is. It would be easier if she had died. At least that way I would know she died still in love with me and she wouldn't be with someone else. Now I'll always know she fell out of love with me and is with someone else who doesn't deserve her. I'll always know she's out there, I just can't have her. It's the worst torture imaginable.

 

Alright, I should probably get up and do something now, I've already moped for a couple hours. I guess I'll go on a run. While running I focus on my breathing and my feet slapping against the ground. I'm angry, angry that I have been treated so poorly by the person I love, angry at myself because in not strong enough to let go. So I run harder and faster, holding back tears. I return to my home and lay on the floor for a bit.

 

Time to shower. Again, everything reminds me of her. We used to shower together, not anymore, I haven't even seen her since she left. I end up back on the couch and notice how empty it is in here. I'm lonely, my phone never goes off, there aren't any messages from you. Why was I so dependent on you?! I hate myself for it, I should have kept my own friends. I start conversations with anyone and everyone, I just want to feel included. Being alone has made me more extroverted, if I wasn't I'd go insane. I try and talk about other things, but all I ever really want to talk about is you, but no one wants to hear about that.

 

No one ever asks if I'm ok, I put on a fake smile and people don't know any better. All I want is for someone to ask so that I can say no, I'm not ok, I'm depressed. But people have their own lives, they don't have time to listen to me whine, I don't blame them.

 

I wish I could go back in time and prevent all this. I obsess over every detail of the past to try and figure out where it went bad. Was it when I told my friends that we hadn't had sex? You got pretty upset over that for some reason but it wasn't worthy of a break up. You said I made you feel insecure and didn't care enough. I find that very hard to believe, I actively avoided doing anything that would make you feel that way. For the life of me I can't figure it out. It must just be you, something in you changed. That doesn't make it any easier though, I still have no answers. What could have been so wrong with me that she would turn her back on 4 years?

 

The point is she left, and she lied. How long had she been talking to this other guy while we were still together? How long was I strung along? How long was I second best.....more answers that I'll never get. She wanted to continue living with me at first, she wanted to "be friends". She wanted to do this while seeing someone else behind my back and lying to me, what a monster. I did nothing to deserve that.

 

The fact is she just doesn't care. She doesn't care that I forced to live in the apartment we used to share. I have to look at her door every day and know that she isn't coming through it. She doesn't care about what she did, she has "apologized" but it was nothing meaningful, she didn't admit fault for anything.

 

Why hasn't she talked to me, she said she would eventually. Maybe she knows that she can't face me, she knows how horrible she was and can't deal with it....that would be the cowards way out. Maybe she does need more time to "heal" and she will talk to me one day. Or maybe she just played me and is never talking to me again, after all she has this new guy, what does she need me for.

 

What would I do if she did talk to me? I don't even know.....would I be angry, sad, would I even answer? I have no idea.

 

My mind keeps going back to our cruise......we had so much fun, we were happy, she was sexy, it just doesn't make sense. That wasn't all that long ago, how did it change so fast. We met a couple there, they were awesome and we got along great. They're engaged now.....that should be us. All our old high school friends are either paired up long term, engaged, or married. It sucks, I feel like I'm a loser. What's wrong with me. I hate seeing other couples, all it does is remind me of what I no longer have. The single life.....I don't like it, it's lonely. I used to have someone to always do something with, but not anymore. I hate it.

 

I wonder what her family and friends think about me. She probably has them all convinced I'm some sort of psycho. I wish everyone could just know the whole truth and how difficult it has been for me and continues to be. I don’t believe I’ve done anything outrageous or uncalled for. I mean my whole life was turned upside down and she just doesn’t care. It’s traumatic.

 

I still miss her though. I miss holding her hand and sitting with her on the couch. I miss sleeping together and holding her at night. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the inside jokes. I hate knowing that I’ll never go anywhere with her again. We always had so much fun on our vacations. Nothing makes sense, I don’t understand why any of this happened, it’s still just so surreal.

 

Well I should probably go to bed now. She’s probably with him right now, doing what she used to do with me, maybe more. That hurts. I like sleep, at least when I sleep I don’t hurt anymore. I say my prayers as I lay in bed looking at the empty space she used to be in. I never used to pray, but it’s nice to feel like someone is listening to me. What did I do to deserve this.

[Hockeyguy19]

Sorry your hurting man, I really truely am. This post hit home for me big time, because this describes my day almost to a tee. Throw in an 8 hour work day with thoughts of her constantly and that's my life. I can't believe people can treat us this way, throw us away like garbage and move on in the blink of an eye. We put everything into the rs, and they leave us cold and flat. I hate it, all of it. The single life sucks, I can't even bring myself to look at other woman right now, let alone talk to them. My life feels empty without her too, I feel your pain. Breakups suck.

[mfleck91]

Sorry your hurting man, I really truely am. This post hit home for me big time, because this describes my day almost to a tee. Throw in an 8 hour work day with thoughts of her constantly and that's my life. I can't believe people can treat us this way, throw us away like garbage and move on in the blink of an eye. We put everything into the rs, and they leave us cold and flat. I hate it, all of it. The single life sucks, I can't even bring myself to look at other woman right now, let alone talk to them. My life feels empty without her too, I feel your pain. Breakups suck.

I too work, and you would think that a job would help distract your mind but it doesn't. All it does for me is give me time for my mind to wander.

[rricardo35]

I'm going through the same thing right now. She is on my mind every second of the day. I keep looking at my phone, waiting for a txt. I hate this feeling.

[BustedUpInside]

Wow, this post really reminds me of how I felt about a month ago. It seemed like I was living my whole life for my ex. All my thoughts, all day long, seemed to be about him. What was he doing? Who was he doing it with? etc.

 

People were always saying that it was going to get better and I really believed, at the time, that they were crazy and didn't know what they were talking about. I believed that they didn't know me and I would never be able to feel normal again.

 

I am going to tell you the same thing right now. It will get better. You have to just give it time, and that sucks because it probably feels like you have already spent forever thinking about it. Really though, just trust that in a few more months you will look back on now and you will be surprised how far you have come. Progress is small so it is hard to notice it when you are living it, but in retrospect it will become obvious.

[intherealworld]

I've been reading your various posts here for awhile and really, from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry that you're hurting this way.

I was only w my ex for 6 months but I really thought he might turn out to be "the one." Unfortunately God/the universe/the powers at be had something different in store for both his life & mine.

I feel your pain...it's like a constant stream of memories playing in your head 24 hours a day. And realizing when you wake up that you're alone....wow I relate to that so hard. I really have to make a concious effort when I get up to tell myself "you are okay, you can do this, be happy, force yourself to smile & forget it."

I know you really want to talk to her, to let her explain herself, to apologize, whatever it is, but believe me...it's still hard. My ex and I recently came to a peaceful agreement, he apologized, & all was well. But that didn't erase all the memories, or suddenly make me happy & carefree again. All of that bullsh*t is still there, all the time. I have to actively repress it.

I stuck by my ex when he was going through one of the roughest times of his life. Please believe me when I say there are still girls out there who would never, ever think of doing this to you. I know you don't want to think about other girls or even dating, but please have hope that there are still good girls out there who, for as good of a guy as you sound like, would go to the moon & back for, & who would never let you go. Just like I have to believe that there are still guys like you out there who want a serious, loving, and fulfilling relationship. The way you describe your ex is the way I dream of someone describing me one day...

Please don't lose hope.

[yessy21]

I Feel terrible you feel this way!

 

Ive been there. It doesnt stop hurting... but it does get easier to put away.

She rejected you, and rejection is hard on us.

 

Its been 6 years for me and when i think about it (which i hardly do now) my eyes tear up and my heart sinks. At least you dont have a child together which is a constant reminder of that person.

 

It takes time... but you will meet someone new. and hopefully that person will take some of that pain away.

[rricardo35]

As I said before, I feel the exact same times 10. My ex has 7 yr old twins which were part of my life for 2 yrs also. Not my children but still they are a huge part of my life so I am struggling with the loss of 3 people. I am waiting for the "it gets easier part". Just please hurry !!!

[yessy21]

As I said before, I feel the exact same times 10. My ex has 7 yr old twins which were part of my life for 2 yrs also. Not my children but still they are a huge part of my life so I am struggling with the loss of 3 people. I am waiting for the "it gets easier part". Just please hurry !!!

 

 

This Broke my heart! When you raise children that arent yours and have them taken away is hard.

[mfleck91]

I'm relatively certain its a case of GIGS. Anybody have any idea how long it takes for them to work it through their system? Not that I'm banking on her coming back, just curious.

[insomniax]

Hopefully you can find something that wiil allow you to move on man, if you are angry at her try and use it. It has helped me. All the ****ty things my ex did to me and me not feeling like it was deserved. I remember when it first really started to go downhill. It was her last birthday, i had called to have flowers delivered to her house and mailed her a card (we were long distance). I also bought a cake and decorated it, put candles on it lit it and took a picture with "make a wish" attched to it and sent it to her.

 

I barely got a response from her, she was just acting all down and even besides my best efforts, even wanting to skype her or give her space if she needed nothing helped. I also remember right before the end she had stopped talking to me (she supposdly had asked for space) she never told me this just straight up started ignoring me. I contacted and contacted her, i was truely worried if something had happened and if she was ok.

 

Then i finally got in touch with her, my house got broken into and i was rather upset. She finally answered the phone and just went on about how she was busy and how she shouldnt be talking on the phone. I was so angry with her, i ended it but took it back since i wasnt being very level headed at the time. Then a few weeks later we finally split, then no contact for 2 months. That ending with her calling me drunk and telling me about how she had tried to kill herself over a fight she had with this new bf she started seeing immeadtly after we spit or probably even before.

 

I was actually pretty upset over this, then she has the nerve to tell me that she didnt feel i was ready to talk to her. I told her that i had not contacted her for a reason and i was doing just fine. She calls me a dick and says i am rude after being completly sympathetic towards her and even losing sleep over the matter.

 

I didnt deserve this man, and you didnt deserve what happened to you either. Try your best to find something to help you move on. I still miss my ex and even think about contacting her but its just such a foolish idea.