I made some serious mistakes breaking NC and feel so emotionally drained

[mbee]

Hi Folks,

 

I wanted to give an update on my situation and this may be a bit lengthy. I apologize in advance. As some of you know, my ex left me for someone else 6 weeks ago. I'm 25 and he's 29. This other woman is married and lives 1000 miles away. Immediately after we broke up he was withdrawn fro me. He would email me once or twice saying he was deeply hurt, but overall felt we were different people and could never be that again. He seemed to just not care. That was painful. 3 weeks later he was sending me lovey dovey FB messages, calling and being super sweet, texting me words of love. I fell for it for a week and realized that it was all BS since he was with the other woman (he flew to her to spend 3 weeks with her). A week later he took her to 10 minutes from where we used to live together. Why he brought her here is beyond me. He's a professor and spends his summer in his hometown. He was here with her for a week, and even my mutual friends saw them together. It was devastating and I spent last week practically crying and wondering what they were doing a mere 10 minutes from me. He would send me a couple of messages here and there saying he was thinking of me. I ignored him.

 

Last Friday he came to my job, demanding to see me. He had a gift for me. I told him no and said this was inappropriate, especially since the other woman was still in town with him. He left. I continued to ignore him. Sunday rolled around and I woke up to a few messages from him saying he was ready to apologize, was more aware of the agony he had put me through, etc. He needed me to call him to talk about this. How him and this OW were taking some space and time apart. I thought he was ready to apologize.

 

No... he wasn't. He was too busy to apologize for a day. I told him he needs to make this a priority and apologize. I was on the way to a road trip when my car broke down and while we were texting. It was a weak moment on my end and my ex is always the one I'd call. Anyway he spend the evening helping me, finding hotels, texting me throughout the night to make sure I'm okay, then calling me to make sure I was okay which ended up into an hour conversation that was very pleasant.

 

The next day he said he really wanted to have this discussion. Well he called me and just wanted to talk about why we broke up in the first place. I made it clear I was not willing to have this discussion. Why we broke up 6 weeks ago has NOTHING to do with now, considering he cheated, is with this other woman, has disrespected me in the process, etc. I can't talk about the past when he wont even apologize for his actions right now. Then he knew I was going to hang up and started talking about "us" and how special our relationship was. It made me cry cause he kept saying things like we were always good at having fun together but not good at communicating and this and that. It broke my heart and I started crying. We were together for 2 years and lived together last year. We got along wonderfully, there was so much more than just the silly times and us having fun together. Egh. Then he yelled at me for stressing HIM out and making his life so frustrating by calling and texting him. Again, what? He was the one reaching out to me, especially the last few weeks.

 

I told him I had to stop talking to him and that he was hurting me. He said "goodbye" while I'm bawling into the phone and parked at a rest area and telling me he'll always love me. A few hours later he texts me. What?! It was a bunch of pity texts. "Please pray for me to make good choices. I'm drinking as a way to solve my problems." He begged me to call him cause he was in trouble and needed me. I told him this was not a good idea. He continued to beg. So he called me a few hours later and honestly, I was angry. It was 2am, I was driving in the middle of the night, and I was just drained. I love my ex but come on. My car broke down, I had a flat tire 12 hours later, I need to get somewhere, and am driving by myself at 2am and he needs me, but isn't even concerned about my feelings. I was so stressed out that I broke down crying while driving, and almost crashed my car. He hung up on me and said he needed to go to sleep. I stayed on the side of the freeway just crying for an hour till 3am and calling a friend who lives on another side of the country where it wasn't that late to just calm me down. I wrote 2 angry texts to my ex saying to NEVER call me again and what person would call me so late at night, yell at me, and leave me in such an emotional manner knowing I'm driving and exhausted.

 

I got to a hotel safely and slept. I woke up to a text asking if I was okay. I ignored it. Then he sent me a couple more texts begging me to call him, he was so worried. I didn't. The friend I was meeting up with was at work and couldn't meet up for another 8 hours. Again, my car broke down so my scheduling for how this trip was supposed to go was way off and rearranged. I had mentioned to my ex a couple of days ago (when he asked where I was going after the car breakdown) that I might go hiking and try to find "our" spot. It's 2 hours from where my friend lives, and it's the place he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a magical moment in our relationship and we were never able to find it again due to weather conditions. I had 8 hours to kill so drove there (4 hours roundtrip) and thought it would be a great way to get some type of closure. It was. I did NOT tell my ex I was going definitely but hinted at it. He also lives 15 minutes from there.

 

After ignoring his texts, I turned my phone off. I went hiking with my dog, found our "spot" which was surprisingly still intact, took a picture of it, and left. I printed out a picture and mailed it to him so he knows it was still there (he wont get that until tomorrow). It was raining and everything but felt totally releasing. I turn on my phone. 20 missed calls from my ex and frantic texts!!! He was livid I was in the area and didn't come to see him. I called him and he begged for me to come see him. He said I was being so hurtful to drive up here to take a picture and not see him. That it was the most hurtful thing I could do to him. What was weird... is if he knew I was coming then he could have invited himself or brought it up earlier. Instead the last time we spoke, he yelled at me to the point where I was crying on the side of the freeway. Now he wants to hang out with me, have dinner and see a movie like that didn't happen?

 

I did something incredibly sweet to get closure and he yelled at me and said it was the most hurtful thing I could do to him. Egh!!! I told him I cannot see him while he's with that other woman, and without an apology for the things he's done the last 6 weeks. He then kept projecting. "Mbee, why don't YOU take responsibility for your actions?" "Mbee, the other woman is not US, she has nothing to do with US, why are YOU letting her get in the way of our friendship?" He blamed everything on me. He even said me driving all that way was a sign I didn't love him, but only loved a person from the past. It was so painful I started crying again and had to pull over. He just kept bullying me and making me out like I'm terrible. If anything me going to that spot should have showed him how deeply I loved him and appreciated our relationship.

 

I begged him to stop, and finally he said, "well you sold me on not being friends with me." He then tried to explain himself. He said he's deeply unhappy, depressed, has no idea what he's doing with his life. He's still with this other woman and told his family and friends about her. He said he's in a bad space in his life and can't be friends with me. He said he will finally let me go but if he calls to answer, because he's so depressed and he needs to know that one person in the world cares about him.

 

What is going on? I feel so emotionally spent. I am blocking him. This was the craziest 6 days. Please note when he showed up to my job that was LAST FRIDAY! I think my ex has temporarily gone crazy. Any thoughts on this? I'm just so freaking tired and I feel used. He twisted everything kind I did into something terrible and cruel. I love him so much and he's making me out like I'm this crazy, messed up person who hates and wants to hurt him. When in reality he's the one who dumped me suddenly, emotionally cheated on me, lied to me about so many things, hooked up and went to spend 4 weeks with this other woman while flaunting her around, helped destroy her marriage and he's still with her all in the last 6 weeks since this ended.

 

And I have to believe he knows what he's doing. He refused to tell me anything going on in his life and was very ambiguous. But he did tell me that he feels so depressed about what happened, and by the time he gets over it, he'll realize what this all cost him and in a way that'll make him feel worse. He's in total control over his life. I just don't get any of this!

Edited June 6, 2013 by mbee

[Zahara]

It's called gaslighting. It's when someone tries to emotionally and mentally manipulate by twisting the facts to make you question your own judgment and take responsibility for the failing of the relationship.

 

What I can't understand is, that you choose to sit back and accept someone treating you like crap, acknowledging that they treat you like crap and yet going back for seconds. You must believe everytime he sends you 20 text messages, he's now suddenly realized your value and wants you back, but sadly when you reach out he smashes you to the ground, over and over again. Why aren't you learning the lesson? Glutton for punishment.

 

And if the man cheated, you're taking pictures of your happy spot and sending to him, for what? He obviously doesn't value anything about you or the relationship seeing how he has treated you yet you're romanticizing the ahole.

 

For your sake, please block him and quit the drama. He does this because you are available to cater to his emotional chaos. Even if he chose you today, I can bet my bottom dollar that there would be nothing secure about having a relationship with a man that behaves this way.

[mbee]

Please try to be kind and understand this last week has been extremely exhausting. It's put me in a vulnerable spot where I feel it's easier to fall back into these traps. Like I said, he came to my job last week, I had to tell my manager since that was not cool. I've driven for close to 30 hours in the last few days, had my car break down, I'm driving myself. I'm just really tired.

 

I'm with a friend for the next few days thankfully so hopefully that can help me stay on track. And I'm not romanticizing him. I did it to get closure and actually it did help me, so I don't regret going. I'm just not sure why he is doing this.

 

The first 5 weeks were okay. I made a few normal mistakes with breaking NC but was sticking to it. The last week has just been absolutely crazy and like I said, please understand there's been a lot going on. I admit calling/texting him back wasn't the best move but I also know myself enough to admit that I was just in a vulnerable state. Hopefully I'm out of it now since I'm where I need to be and hanging with a friend for a bit.

[Zahara]

I just told you why he is doing it. It's manipulation. It's not because he loves you, wants to be with you, wants to rekindle the relationship, none of which in your head right now are possible reasons you may believe is why he contacts you. He blames you for letting the woman destroy the friendship? When he is the one that cheated and destroyed the relationship. Do you see how twisted it is?

 

You sent that picture hoping to reignite a feeling in him. It was not about closure. Closure comes from you recognizing that he was playing you for a fool all week, acknowledging that he's an ahole, and that you were going in circles with him and deciding to block him, then and there.

 

When you are in a vulnerable state, the absolute LAST this you ever do is give in to your emotions and re-engage the source of what's creating your vulnerability and your pain. You decided to re-engage because you were hoping that maybe things would be different. The fact that he is with another woman and is now engaging with you is enough to tell you that he has zero boundaries, zero respect for you and her.

 

This moron will resurface again because he knows you are weak for him. I hope you block him and I hope you alert security at your workplace to not allow him access to you.

[Chi townD]

Girl, Block his number. Call your carrier and get his number blocked. You got enough on your plate. And his statement about this other woman is not US. You could have said there is no us. We stopped being US when the two of US became three!

 

Start a STRONG NC. Start making positive changes in your life. Plan another trip. Sounds like this one was a bust due to all the stressors involved. Trips like that are to help you relax, take the stress off and help you decompress. None of that truely happened.

 

Start to heal and move on.