xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Be careful SER. I know you feel better after your discussion but his response was really to attack you in a way. I am not sure how sincere he is or how much of it is just a convenient story. He could also have a new profile up without you knowing a thing. Needing external validation in form of other women when in a relationship is not a good thing nor that easy to "cure". I guess time will tell. I agree. OP, you let him off the hook too easily. His actions by staying on an online dating site was to meet other women, this by itself, meant he was likely to cheat, one way or another. How well do you know and trust him? Why haven't you guys drawn up boundaries?
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I think when you start dating you should close off from any other form of dating.....and concentrate on the person you are getting to know......even if i were setting someone else up on a date....i would close my own profile and help them set up one of their own that would be more appropriate......you have a right to feel upset if this makes you feel uncomfortable, talk to him and see how it goes..be honest .....and calm.....best wishes...deb
Author SER Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Jaclyn - I never told him that I deleted mine when we were first dating, I just did it. ES - My friend had the same thought as you. She said that he was turning it on me and, in his defense, I know that he's largely correct. At the same time, having a profile up because of an insecurity is no excuse and he should've made sure what we were before leaving that up. But again, he didn't know where I was in the relationship or if it was one. I felt that we were, but we never talked about it. He called me his girlfriend once and I thought great, ok! But I never referred to him as my boyfriend in front of him. Papercut - I've known him as an acquaintance more or less for several years, he's my friend of several years' brother. I know that he's well adjusted and a very sweet guy (had this impression before dating him). We just never discussed boundaries or exclusivity. We were both apparently too worried to see where the other stood. I am worried that I may have let him off to easy now, but I still do feel like I could've done a much better job of making him feel like he was important to me. I believe his excuse, but in reading some of your replies, it makes me uneasy again. I don't think that he's a shady person, it doesn't seem in his character. But maybe he is? He might have been completely honest or maybe, as some of you've suggested, he is just giving a convenient excuse. I'm more inclined to believe honest, but really there's no way to know... Right? And if he's being honest and I treat him as if he's scum, that's pretty lame too.
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Jaclyn - I never told him that I deleted mine when we were first dating, I just did it. ES - My friend had the same thought as you. She said that he was turning it on me and, in his defense, I know that he's largely correct. At the same time, having a profile up because of an insecurity is no excuse and he should've made sure what we were before leaving that up. But again, he didn't know where I was in the relationship or if it was one. I felt that we were, but we never talked about it. He called me his girlfriend once and I thought great, ok! But I never referred to him as my boyfriend in front of him. Papercut - I've known him as an acquaintance more or less for several years, he's my friend of several years' brother. I know that he's well adjusted and a very sweet guy (had this impression before dating him). We just never discussed boundaries or exclusivity. We were both apparently too worried to see where the other stood. I am worried that I may have let him off to easy now, but I still do feel like I could've done a much better job of making him feel like he was important to me. I believe his excuse, but in reading some of your replies, it makes me uneasy again. I don't think that he's a shady person, it doesn't seem in his character. But maybe he is? He might have been completely honest or maybe, as some of you've suggested, he is just giving a convenient excuse. I'm more inclined to believe honest, but really there's no way to know... Right? And if he's being honest and I treat him as if he's scum, that's pretty lame too. I think you should be cautious in dating him, everyone deserves to be trusted and believed though...until proven otherwise.......but dont be blind ...eyes open......deb 1
Author SER Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I wanted to add that he did give me the key to his place and said I was welcome any time. I think if he intended to cheat or if he wasn't serious that he wouldn't do such a thing. But I could be wrong. 2
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I wanted to add that he did give me the key to his place and said I was welcome any time. I think if he intended to cheat or if he wasn't serious that he wouldn't do such a thing. But I could be wrong. giving you a key signifies something big.......but just dont trust blindly......the more you knwo him hopefully the trust issue wont be a problem....i wish you much luck.....he sounds sincere....but who knows right....only he does at the moment...hopefully you will too...i try to think hey i would never do this or that so if i can be trusted .....so can others.....but then...i have been told i am too trusting and get told off a bit......deb
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I wanted to add that he did give me the key to his place and said I was welcome any time. I think if he intended to cheat or if he wasn't serious that he wouldn't do such a thing. But I could be wrong. I don't mean to say he is the same but just a quick story. I dated a guy for 4 months, was over to his house 4 times a week. I never brought up where we stood because he made it clear I was the only one he was seeing. I once heard a rumor about him talking to other women, and he turned it around on me and said that he just talked to them and I should just dull him if I didn't trust him. I should have, because it turned out he had a girlfriend who LIVED with him. Not saying that this is normal, just pointing out that some men as very good at making you feel secure. He was marvelous at it, and like an idiot I ate up every line. Just be cautious. 2
SJC2008 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 OP you're being passive in this coursthip, a "nice girl". You're not getting what you want and your fear of loss/confrontation is keeping you from "rocking the boat". The man should lead the relationship which includes asking to be exclusive (contrary to the advice of many men here) and if you were in an excluisive relationship you'd know it and his profile would be down. Don't be afraid to rock the boat, you've been daing 5 months and are entitled to know where things are headed and will probably have to bring up the talk since he hasn't. BTW don't take what I said about being a nice girl to heart as I've got some nice guy problems I need to get rid of. The good news is you can become more assertive, it just takes practice.
Author SER Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Thanks for the warning, both of y'all. I guess one good thing is that he wasn't defensive at all and didnt say anything like "then leave if you don't like it". He was genuinely defeated and knows that I don't trust him after this.
shexy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Yeah, unfortunately a guy I was head over heels for was doing the same thing on OKCupid, and he gave me the whole "but I talk to my friends here" when all the same friends were on FB. Yeah, he was still online shopping while I was busy being crazy about him :-\
Author SER Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Thanks SJC. I will be more assertive from now on, as I'm tired of things like this that could be avoided. Communicating in general is also a big one. 1
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I don't mean to say he is the same but just a quick story. I dated a guy for 4 months, was over to his house 4 times a week. I never brought up where we stood because he made it clear I was the only one he was seeing. I once heard a rumor about him talking to other women, and he turned it around on me and said that he just talked to them and I should just dull him if I didn't trust him. I should have, because it turned out he had a girlfriend who LIVED with him. Not saying that this is normal, just pointing out that some men as very good at making you feel secure. He was marvelous at it, and like an idiot I ate up every line. Just be cautious. Ok I am so curious. How did you manage to go to his house 4 times a week and not notice this gf? Where was he hiding her? He sounds like a magician.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I did an experiment with OK Cupid and found that even if I log in, log out, and restart my computer, it still says I'm online. Any way that it's possible that he just has a cookie that always signs him on just when he's on his normal browser at home? Like mine just did? I also looked up the problem and apparently this happens to a lot of people. One person said something like "stop sending me messages if it says I'm online, because I can tell you that I most likely am not at all!" I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, not to be hopeful, but mostly because he really does not seem like the kind of guy who would keep a profile up. He's such a sweet and nerdy guy and pretty near harmless, so it is a slim possibility that it's just OK Cupid being attached to his browser. Unless he clears his cookies, this may have just been going on for awhile without him knowing. Although he should still take his profile down. 5 months of being recently online even though they aren't, nope... Time for the talk, like StarGazer mentioned. I would also ask him why he is still looking for another GF when he already has one, you may be surprised by his answer.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I wanted to add that he did give me the key to his place and said I was welcome any time. I think if he intended to cheat or if he wasn't serious that he wouldn't do such a thing. But I could be wrong. I don't think he is intending to cheat, but I do think he is still looking
Author SER Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Art Critic - I did talk to him. He said that he was insecure and didn't know where I was in the relationship; it seemed as though I wasn't taking it seriously since I didn't bring him out to meet friends or really make an effort to see him other than on the weekends and rarely during the week (I wasn't ever sure how often he wanted to see me and I never asked). He also said that he isn't a very good communicator and that's what led to the demise of his last relationship (they dated for several months but never defined themselves and she ended up cheating on him with his friend). I'm also a bad communicator and I was equally afraid to have the "relationship talk", so it really never happened. We never specifically discussed exclusivity or where we were headed. I think he might've been making sure that he still had options should I leave him since I didn't seem too serious (from his perspective) also. He didn't say that, but I could see how that might also be the case. I know it's not my fault and he shouldn't have assumed that I wasn't serious without just asking me, but I think we both made mistakes. Jaclyn - she must've hid her stuff really well?? Were her clothes not hanging in the closet or girl stuff in the cabinet? Or he made a really huge effort to hide those things when you went over!!
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Ok I am so curious. How did you manage to go to his house 4 times a week and not notice this gf? Where was he hiding her? He sounds like a magician. She had a son and would spend some night at her moms, he had a 4 bedroom house and let's just say I never saw much of the other rooms. He was a genius though. He was actually sleeping with 3 other women at the time too, all of which we worked with. Haha. Pig.
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