SER Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 When we first started dating I didn't think much of it, as I was still logging in too just in case things didn't work out... but I didn't have anyone on the line and wasn't really interested in pursuing anyone else. I closed my profile about a month and a half into dating. It dawned on me yesterday to check and see if my guy still had a profile and not only did he still have a profile, but the page said that he was last online at around 5:45 pm the previous night. I checked again this morning and it says that he was last online at around 7:00 this morning! I've seen before that OK Cupid might fudge these, but I don't think that's the case. Also, it says "replies often". So I looked through some other posts about others who have experienced this with people their dating and even a few "well, maybe" scenarios don't fit. If he had an app on his phone from that long ago and it just kept logging him on, not possible, because he just got a new phone about a month ago. He has to be voluntarily checking... I also know that he's been trying to help his friend find a girl, but I don't think any friend would be THAT dedicated. Also, I know some people use OK Cupid to keep up with friends, but isn't that unlikely as well? All seems to be going really well otherwise though, which is strange to me - we see each other about 3 times a week and we've gotten really close. I've really received no indication that he's not completely into the relationship (other than finding this) and things seem to be moving forward. I do know that he's been dumped before and thought maybe he's just trying to keep the profile up in case I break up with him. But then again, I don't know. Or maybe he's been checking to see if I've put mine back up? Who knows. I don't exactly want to bring it up out of nowhere and accuse him of anything, because it could be that rare innocent reason, but I'm also not entirely comfortable with it. We've been dating for 5 months now so it's still a fairly new relationship. What do you guys think? Is there a good way to bring this up or have it brought up without it being out of the blue?
mammasita Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Did you ever discuss being exclusive and closing your accounts? I'm guilty of this too, but making assumptions and just going along with things that are "seemingly" going well is not the best way to gauge the relationship. Have a non-confrontational talk about your relationship and see where his head is. 3
KatZee Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Since you met online, and there has been no discussion between you two regarding exclusivity, you better assume he's still out there dating multiple people. That's what online daters do. They rarely focus on just one person and date that one person, complete the date/s and then move on to another. They juggle multiple people. You can just casually bring something up and be like, "I enjoy spending time with you, over the past [x amount of time] we've gotten pretty close and I'd like to see where this would go. I was thinking about shutting down my OKCupid account. What do you think?" 3
Author SER Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Did you ever discuss being exclusive and closing your accounts? I'm guilty of this too, but making assumptions and just going along with things that are "seemingly" going well is not the best way to gauge the relationship. Have a non-confrontational talk about your relationship and see where his head is. Well, we didn't discuss being exclusive, but he did introduce me as his girlfriend to his best friend a couple of months ago as well as told me a story about showing my pictures to his parents of his new girlfriend. I figured it was safe to assume that we were exclusive at that point. I did "meet" him online for dating, but I knew him in real life beforehand. We had met a couple of times, he's my friend's brother (I rarely get to see this girl friend of mine though, but I know her very well) and talked only briefly over the past few years a few times. You can just casually bring something up and be like, "I enjoy spending time with you, over the past [x amount of time] we've gotten pretty close and I'd like to see where this would go. I was thinking about shutting down my OKCupid account. What do you think?" I like that, but I've already shut mine down. Should I reactivate it for the sake of saying that?
KatZee Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I like that, but I've already shut mine down. Should I reactivate it for the sake of saying that? I would, yes.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I like that, but I've already shut mine down. Should I reactivate it for the sake of saying that? No. You're already exclusive and he's introducing you as his girlfriend. To even ask that question would be taking a big step backward. Ask him straight up what his definition of exclusive is, and whether that includes still logging in to a dating website. 3
Author SER Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I did an experiment with OK Cupid and found that even if I log in, log out, and restart my computer, it still says I'm online. Any way that it's possible that he just has a cookie that always signs him on just when he's on his normal browser at home? Like mine just did? I also looked up the problem and apparently this happens to a lot of people. One person said something like "stop sending me messages if it says I'm online, because I can tell you that I most likely am not at all!" I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, not to be hopeful, but mostly because he really does not seem like the kind of guy who would keep a profile up. He's such a sweet and nerdy guy and pretty near harmless, so it is a slim possibility that it's just OK Cupid being attached to his browser. Unless he clears his cookies, this may have just been going on for awhile without him knowing. Although he should still take his profile down.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Does it matter if there's a cookie? If that's a cookie problem, it just tells you he's still online when he's not, that it was a few hours ago as opposed to right now. So? That doesn't absolve him! Problem is, he's STILL LOOKING AT ALL! It should say last active MONTHS ago. 2
realisticbound Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 (edited) When we first started dating I <Snip> I can tell you from experience, 9/10 that's not a good sign.. Edited June 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
jcm101 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 One of my reasons why I hate OLD. Go on a date, you come home, and that person is going to check their account with possibly a better candidate messaging them. I know you said you were consistently dating, but still just saying. It's like meeting a girl at a party and then leaving, but the girl/guy goes on to about 10 more that night. It's a circus. 2
newmoon Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 'replies often' could have been established while he was romancing you ... it doesn't mean he's actively replying to others. even if i was dating someone i'd still log in - some of us are curious that way and have no bad intentions.
SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I would without a doubt confront him. It's happened to me before. 5 months into dating there is no acceptable reason to be on a dating site. That is hurtful.
PutARingOnIt Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Stop making excuses. He is still checking that profile on a regular basis. You need to reactivate your profile and start looking....just in case. 2
Author SER Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Stop making excuses. He is still checking that profile on a regular basis. You need to reactivate your profile and start looking....just in case. Yea, I am making excuses, good call. I just really don't want it to be bad because it's really been amazing so far. It's the best relationship I've been in as far as compatibility and we are such a good match on every level. I was going to his place tonight for dinner and a movie, so I'll talk to him tonight about it and I'll let you guys know what his reply is. This is super frustrating. 1
lamaga Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I have the same problem and I am scared to ask him as to why he is still on OKCUPID.... Been dating for 5 weeks... We just went on a vacation together for 4 days and now I just checked (with a friend's account) if he is online and there you go, last checked this evening... Comes home from trip with me and checks his OkCupid... It pisses me off, but I am too much of a pussy to confront him about it... Especially since it's only been 5 weeks... Oh well..
Author SER Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I have the same problem and I am scared to ask him as to why he is still on OKCUPID.... Been dating for 5 weeks... Well 5 weeks isn't that long. I wouldn't have held it against him as the relationship is still very fresh. But if it does upset you, you should talk to him about it. Easier said than done, I know that all too well. But letting it fester is terrible, been there, done that. It's no good and it doesn't resolve anything. I've decided to be very blunt and just ask him straight out "Why do you still have a dating profile up?" and just see where it goes from there. Quick enough to rip off the bandaid and get to the point. 1
Author SER Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Just an update on this story for everyone - I went over and I directly asked him why he still had his profile up. He immediately got flustered/the saddest face I'd ever seen on him and said that he didn't know why he thought it was ok, but that he did it because he was insecure. He said that he felt better about himself when other girls would check out his page. I asked him if I wasn't enough for him or if I wasn't giving him enough attention and that's when I realized that, although not entirely my fault, in a way I had helped this problem happen. He said that he didn't know what I wanted out of the relationship and that I was really hard to read. He said that he felt like I kept him as a secret since I rarely invited him out to meet my friends or to my house. My ex of 6.5 years hated going out with my friends so I stopped inviting him out at all. I wasn't used to inviting my guy out at that point, and it never crossed my mind that it mattered since my ex was the exact opposite of my current boyfriend as far as social activities are concerned. My house is in a really remote part of town, and there is not much to do there and I also don't have the internet anymore - sometimes we stream movies, etc. so my house is kind of lame/boring. I'm rarely at home because of work/school anyway, so I don't have a need for much in the way of entertainment. I told him this and he understood why I didn't do either of those things and realized that it wasn't because I wasn't into the relationship. I didn't realize how that seemed to him, and it is my mistake for not seeing that. I told him that if he had a problem or wanted to know where we stood that we should talk about it - and he said with our relationship he was trying to be better at communication since that's one reason his last relationship failed. Additionally, he said that his most recent ex girlfriend didn't take the relationship seriously and they never really defined what they were. She ended up sleeping with his best friend. So now I see where his insecurities come from and why he thought I might not be taking it seriously. I also told him that I felt exactly the same was as far as being kept secret. I also never really go out with him and his friends and I wasn't sure where we stood entirely. He said that he didn't know when to bring up the relationship talk or define what we were because those conversations can always be so awkward, especially if you find that the other person doesn't want what you want. I told him I had the exact same thought and I never wanted to bring it up out of the same fear. He also said that since I had come out of a 6+ year relationship that he wasn't sure how fast or slow I wanted to go or if he was just an "in the mean time" guy or if I was serious. So it turned out that we were both equally confused about where we stood, were poor at communicating our needs/wants, and that he dealt with it differently in a way that didn't sit well with me. He does realize and see that what he did made me uneasy and makes me feel like I'm not enough and has promised that he will never do that again. On my side, I have promised to invite him out and to treat him like I'm taking him seriously now that I know that that's what he wants too. I asked him where he saw our relationship going before this happened/blew up and he said that he wanted me to meet his parents. He also was hoping that at some point soon that I told him what I wanted, because he had already made a spare key for his apartment to give me. I told him that we need to make sure that we check in with each other all the time to make sure that this doesn't happen again and that we both get better at communicating so that the relationship doesn't go to crap like our last ones with this problem. He agreed and was relieved to know where we both stood. So we'll both be checking in with each other to make sure that anything bothering us is out there and to make sure we're being clear with each other because we both feel that we have something really special between us and don't want to ruin it. Thanks everyone for your help/support as always! 1
sillyanswer Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I checked again this morning and it says that he was last online at around 7:00 this morning! I've seen before that OK Cupid might fudge these, but I don't think that's the case. Fair enough... you've definitely caught him still logging in even though the exact timestamps are slightly unreliable. However (and it's a minor point in the circumstances)... Also, it says "replies often". The "replies often" thing is pretty useless. I've seen someone with "replies selectively" and then a few days later it showed "replies often" and they hadn't been logged in during the intervening time.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Okay, so he's insecure. Has he agreed to delete his profile yet? Action speaks louder than words.
Author SER Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 When I told him we needed to talk I made it clear that it was about his profile being up and what he was looking for. He actually deleted it a couple of hours before I went over to his place to talk with him (I was checking to see if he had logged in yet again before I left). He said he won't put another one up and wouldn't do that to me again. So this action is a good sign, I think.
QforLove Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 If you've had the "Are we serious" discussion, there should be no more profiles on dating sites. The real problem here is in how it appears. Anyone still visiting dating sites still has their line in the water. There's no other way to look at it. Find the right connection and you'll find two less profiles on that dating site, not just one.
CryForNoOne Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Easy solution if you are afraid to confront. Have an attractive friend he doesn't know message him. If he replies, confront him or break up. Better to confront straight away but if you can't bring yourself to that, it's better to know than live in either denial or jealous paranoia...
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Does he know you canceled your account? I would casually bring it up. "I was wondering, do you still have my OKC account open? Random, but I closed mine and forgot to tell you. Thought I would bring it up to see how you felt about it." Easy, let's him know how you feel and gives him the opportunity to tell you how he feels.
IT Geek Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 We deactivated ours after a couple of weeks of dating and then deciding we wanted to be exclusive.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Be careful SER. I know you feel better after your discussion but his response was really to attack you in a way. I am not sure how sincere he is or how much of it is just a convenient story. He could also have a new profile up without you knowing a thing. Needing external validation in form of other women when in a relationship is not a good thing nor that easy to "cure". I guess time will tell. 2
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