ottoline Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 (edited) I'm so miserable. I feel like I've lost my first love and my last love. We were together (for the most part) for 4 years. I can't ever stop thinking about it and there is this ache in my chest and stomach all the time that never goes away, and it's physically painful. It has bled into every area in my life and I can't have fun when I'm being social and I can't concentrate at work. He was my first boyfriend -- I was 21 but kind of a late bloomer and he was 30, and I lost my virginity to him. He was so romantic and kind and charming and brilliant and told me every day how much he loved me and how special I was. We broke up for the first time 2 years ago. I loved him so much but I found out that he had been drinking alcohol every day for almost a year when I thought he was completely sober. I probably should've been there for him during his relapse but I felt kind of betrayed. After that, I couldn't make the breakup stick because I loved him so much so I just kept seeing him. Things quickly went back to the way they used to be, except I didn't tell my family and I didn't agree to be exclusive...I guess I felt weird that I got back with him so fast after that that I didn't want to be 'officially' back together. I thought that if we did we would either have to get married or break up for good and I guess it kind of made sense to be in limbo. And I loved him but I was concerned about the future and what I really wanted -- if we would be able to be happy if he didn't have his life together with a 'real' job and a bank account and health insurance and all of that stuff. He never seemed to be moving toward that. So I never agreed to be exclusive and that was all he wanted! He would ask me all the time and he was so possessive. I never really dated anyone else, though; the only thing that made him really really upset was when I made out with another guy at parties two times, which I know must have been very hurtful and I shouldn't have done. I just thought it was ok because we weren't 'officially' together and I guess I never had that phase with boys and just wanted to feel young and crazy for a short time. This 'limbo' went on for 2 years until he broke up with me 2 months ago and now he has a new girlfriend. He said he didn't think I would mind because I said that I didn't want to be exclusive and because it seemed like he loved me more than I loved him. But I do mind, so much -- I loved him more than anything, and I was just very confused and I should've just gotten back together for real. I don't know why I didn't. I kind of thought that we just had all the time in the world to figure things out, that he loved me so much that he would never leave me (he would always say 'i will always love you, I'll never leave you," etc.) So I guess I took him for granted and I was kind of waiting for him to show me that he was working on himself and getting his life together. I thought we were moving toward becoming official again but I guess he thought I was just stringing him along. Now I don't know why I had all of those doubts! I know for sure that I want him and only him. Sure, he has problems -- but I adore him and love like this doesn't come around very often. I worry that I was just caught up with shallow concerns about money and career and he is a wonderful artist and I should've been more supportive. I've been trying to show him that I love him and that I'd be different but he says that he wants to pursue a relationship with the new girl and that he's wanted to hear that from me for so long and he doesn't understand what's different now. He says that he loves me much more than his new girlfriend and that maybe we'll be together again one day, but he's not ready to come running back to me right now. He says he still wants to be best friends with me. He also cheated on his new girlfriend with me which made me feel awful -- I tried to resist him several times but I guess I just gave in. The mornings are the worst part -- when I wake up and remember that he's not going to be there for me today. I am finding it so hard to implement NC. When I talk to him he is very nice and tells me he loves me and compliments me, which makes me feel good, but I feel like I have to be talking to him all the time to sustain this feeling because it goes away quickly. To be honest, I feel like he's kind of manipulating me because he likes hearing me tell him how much I love and miss him and need him but he's not going to take me back. So he talks to me and tells me that I'm better than his new girlfriend and feeds me little things like that to keep me in love with him so he can feel powerful or something. But I am just having so much trouble implementing NC. And I'm having so much trouble realizing that it's really over. It was really true love for me. I can't control my impulses; I feel miserable and anxious and scared and I have to call him. I'm sobbing all the time and I have no motivation to do anything. I know what I'm supposed to do -- have hobbies, work on myself, but I just feel like I'm in such a deep depression that I can't do anything and I'm not interested in anything but crying and calling him. I am in therapy but it doesn't seem to help. I feel so much regret over the mistakes I made -- I should've just told him I was all his when we were together but I just thought he would always be there. I see now how I was so so wrong and sometimes everything seems so hopeless. I just want to be happy again. I feel like I'm wasting my youth, you know? Edited June 6, 2013 by ottoline
Author ottoline Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I know that was so long; I'm sorry, I'm just having a rough time. Is NC the only way I can feel better? It just makes me feel so awful to think about them together and to think that if I started NC he wouldn't contact me. Right now I can see him on chat and he's not talking to me and it makes me feel so awful.
CTP Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know you should have made things official again when you had the chance but it is absolutely not right for him to toy with you like this, or cheat on his new girlfriend with you. If he is that great of a person like you said he is at the beginning then he shouldn't be doing this. Do you only want him this desperately now because he has found someone else? You may think that you can ignore his drinking or him having no career aspirations... But these are qualities you look for in a man. Sometimes it isn't all just love, these things matter. And if its important to you, don't settle. If you really want to try for him. Sit him down tell him how you feel and ask him to give you an answer.. Don't get strung along. He's either with you or he isn't. No maybe in the future bs. If he says no, definitely NC! You will find another, trust me! We've all been thought unbearable break ups but after a while it becomes bearable and then you'll find someone else and thank god that you've met this new person. Good luck
Author ottoline Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Thank you so much for responding; your words mean a lot I had so many doubts before because of the drinking and what seemed to me to be a lack of ambition/responsibility. But he has been sober for over two years now and shows no sign of relapsing. And he's becoming more and more successful with his art. I just worried that I was hearing things from people all the time about how we wouldn't be able to be happy together because we wouldn't have the life that I was used to, and I would have to pay for everything and always be responsible for everything. I was concerned about that, but now I just wonder if I was being shallow or something and that I lost the love of my life because I was worried that he didn't have a bank account or whatever. I guess having these regrets now won't help me, but I can't help having them. I sent him a long letter yesterday about how I loved him and wanted to be with him. He said that it's not too late but that he's not just going to come running back to me no matter how sweet a letter I send him or how much he wants to. I guess I just have to accept that and NOT TALK TO HIM omg it's just so hard! I need like a shock collar or something. The main problem is just all this pain in my chest -- the heartache is a real physical thing that never goes away and won't let me stop obsessing and wallowing. Thinking of them together is making me insane. I just don't understand how he could fall in love again so fast. And I feel like he is such a unique person and we had such a unique love that I'll never be able to find that again...it took me a long time to find him in the first place; he was the first person I really liked!
crazy1234 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 okay its really hard i get it,but do you really like being this 3rd woman in their relationship?would you like it if he did the same to you just like he is doing to this other girl?No right?i know its really hard and yes the mornings are the worst when u wake up with empty feeling that hits u the 1st thing in the morning,i know it all.There goes without a doubt that u cant talk to this guy.You need to do this for yourself and if u dont wanna be hurt anymore.STOP TALKING TO HIM!!!you have no idea how important this is for you to stop.He moved on and i know it hurts like ****.I'v been there too bt please do this.Cry as much as u want but know that soon u'll get tired of crying and u'll know you have to stop. You know what they say?You have to move forward when you find yourself backed against a wall?Thats exactly whats going to happen.Soon u'll have to move forward and just hold onto that.Tell yourself you will get there and make it all happen for you.Try doing something.If you have money then leave the city for awhile and go to a friend's or family's.Block this guy's number.There is no getting back here love.Remove everything you have of this person including him from u'r fb,html and phone. You'r the only one who can help yourself here.
vdh Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I know how hard this must be for you, I am in nearly the same boat- broke up with my bf of 4 years 2 and a half months ago . It's been rough. Same thing as you- first love, lost my v card to him, everything. All I can say is try and keep your head up, I know exactly what you mean when you say mornings are the worst. They truly are, especially if you've dreamt of your ex, god it's heart wrenching ! Just know that you're not alone, coming on this forum has been a saving grace for me, that's for sure. And don't beat yourself up for talking to him- you're only human, and you love him dearly. I've been maintaining NC with my ex but I've slipped up a couple times, it happens ! Be patient and strong, for someday this pain will be useful to you.
Author ottoline Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 vdh, thank you so much -- it is nice to hear from someone who is experiencing such a similar situation. And you sound like you are coming at it from a really good perspective! You sound so brave and positive; I really admire that. I have a very hard time not wallowing in my pain and not going crazy and calling him sobbing all the time. Do you think NC is making you feel better? crazy1234 - thank you for the good advice. I know this is the advice I should take; I really don't know why I have so much trouble doing it. It seems like my emotions are completely out of control and I have a really hard time not following my impulses. But I have to stop. I sent him a letter saying what I had to say and what's the point of continuing communication? I don't even think I should've sent the letter. Every time we talk he just goes on about how he loves me so much and how it's so hard and how things are a certain way now but might not always be. It gives me (false?) hope which is just prolonging things. I just wish that I didn't have so much to regret - today I went through some of our old messages and he would just gush and gush about how much he loved me and I would tell him that I loved him too but I wouldn't give him the kind of reassurance he needed. I just wish I could show him that I could be better I feel like I ruined everything
vdh Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 It's definitely been tough. I'm actually a little envious of you in the sense that your ex keeps talking to you ! Mine seems to have completely forgotten about me, when I say that I mean not a peep. Not even a text message, nothing. It's mind blowing to me that he hasn't caved and talked to me, not once, I think it's something I'll probably never understand. How he can just get on with his life and not look back without a second thought after 4 years together. I have good days and bad days but I feel my heart slowly healing with time and I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass, and I try to stay as busy as possible- the less time I have to sit around and think about how much my heart hurts, the better !
Author ottoline Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Hi vdh, I'm sorry that he's been like that. So when you have contacted him he has just ignored you? It sounds terrible, but maybe just pretend he is dead for a little while! Can you see what he is up to on social media and everything? My ex is extremely active on social media; there are like 5 places that I can check to torture myself and I am having so much trouble stopping! Your ex must have amazing willpower to not have caved at all Mine seems to have good willpower too; he never contacts me, I just contact him and he usually responds. I think that's because he's older and I'm not his first love. There is so much I guess we can't understand. Mornings really are the worst. I wake up and can't get out of bed sometimes. Things seem to get worse as they go on and not better.
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