Dating someone with depression?

[Eclypse]

My girlfriend of 3 years went through a fairly serious bout of depression about 7 years ago. She became quite reclusive and didn't leave the house much. A lot of her time was spent playing video games. When we began dating she told me it had passed and she was mostly happy now.

 

A couple of weeks ago I went to her place and she was a complete mess. She was sobbing and in severe distress. She told me she had been hiding that her depression had returned. She hadn't told anyone because she feels "broken" and that she's not normal. But it all became too much for her the previous night (she was also stressing about exams) and she had a bit of a breakdown. I'd noticed changes in her recently, like that she seemed more distant and easily upset. I'm fairly thick when it comes to these things though so it was a big shock to me. I did my best to comfort her. She curled up into a little ball and I held her in my arms. She said that really made her feel safe and much better at that point I assured her no matter what she goes through I'll always stick by her.

 

Anyway, she ended up seeing her doctor (a GP, not a psychiatrist, and he didn't really know about her history of depression) and he prescribed some anti-depressants. She took them for a little bit but they made her really sick and unable to function. After we read the horror stories of this drug (and the terrible withdrawal symptoms) she stopped taking them. She told me she refuses to believe that she's so sick that she needs drugs, and that she hopefully only needs therapy and support. I liked this "can-do" attitude. It was certainly different to how she was before.

 

So, my question now is... what can I as a boyfriend do to help her get through this? Dating someone who's depressed is no easy task. She's always been a bit cold, and she's now revealed that's probably from the depression. I try and comfort her as much as I can but sometimes she turns me away. It can be frustrating. A lot of our time is spent with us just spooning and me holding her really. She says it makes her feel better. Sex has also become... rare. We've only had sex twice in maybe the last 2 1/2 months. I'm a sexual tyrannosaurus so that was definitely frustrating. Any advice anyone can offer in that regard? I of course want to support her as much as I can, but I do have my own needs too :|

[Feelin Frisky]

Medicine should not be dismissed as "drugs" just because of one bad experience. The nature of psychiatric medicine is trial and error--no one can say that the brain is exactly too much of one neurotransmitter and not enough of another or if the electricity is out of step between brain cells. There is no "dip stick" into the live human head or blood test that says exactly what medication(s) are the right ones. Her future and yours with her may come down to this very issue. If she dismisses treatment, she's abdicating responsibility to get well and stay well. If something doesn't agree with her, clear it out and speak up. She should see a specialist--a psychiatrist who will take some time to explain what he or she is trying to do with a medicine. I take an anti-depressant and don't feel any presence of it. But I am sure I can so how much it helps me choose my emotions and proportions rather than just suffering with them bulling me over. An MD is more likely to give a sedative than a psychiatrist--psychiatrists mostly avoid giving anything that creates dependencies like sedatives. They look to try to make medicine "transparent" and non-addictive. And that should also guide the patient's approach. Everything depends on the patient's effort, cooperation, and willingness to speak up. Drawing wrong conclusions or dismissing all medication as "drugs" is a recipe for continued sadness. Good luck.

[Maleficent]

My girlfriend of 3 years went through a fairly serious bout of depression about 7 years ago. She became quite reclusive and didn't leave the house much. A lot of her time was spent playing video games. When we began dating she told me it had passed and she was mostly happy now.

 

A couple of weeks ago I went to her place and she was a complete mess. She was sobbing and in severe distress. She told me she had been hiding that her depression had returned. She hadn't told anyone because she feels "broken" and that she's not normal. But it all became too much for her the previous night (she was also stressing about exams) and she had a bit of a breakdown. I'd noticed changes in her recently, like that she seemed more distant and easily upset. I'm fairly thick when it comes to these things though so it was a big shock to me. I did my best to comfort her. She curled up into a little ball and I held her in my arms. She said that really made her feel safe and much better at that point I assured her no matter what she goes through I'll always stick by her.

 

Anyway, she ended up seeing her doctor (a GP, not a psychiatrist, and he didn't really know about her history of depression) and he prescribed some anti-depressants. She took them for a little bit but they made her really sick and unable to function. After we read the horror stories of this drug (and the terrible withdrawal symptoms) she stopped taking them. She told me she refuses to believe that she's so sick that she needs drugs, and that she hopefully only needs therapy and support. I liked this "can-do" attitude. It was certainly different to how she was before.

 

So, my question now is... what can I as a boyfriend do to help her get through this? Dating someone who's depressed is no easy task. She's always been a bit cold, and she's now revealed that's probably from the depression. I try and comfort her as much as I can but sometimes she turns me away. It can be frustrating. A lot of our time is spent with us just spooning and me holding her really. She says it makes her feel better. Sex has also become... rare. We've only had sex twice in maybe the last 2 1/2 months. I'm a sexual tyrannosaurus so that was definitely frustrating. Any advice anyone can offer in that regard? I of course want to support her as much as I can, but I do have my own needs too :|

 

Your girlfriend is very ill and you're frustrated because your sexual needs aren't met?

 

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

[Eclypse]

Medicine should not be dismissed as "drugs" just because of one bad experience. The nature of psychiatric medicine is trial and error--no one can say that the brain is exactly too much of one neurotransmitter and not enough of another or if the electricity is out of step between brain cells. There is no "dip stick" into the live human head or blood test that says exactly what medication(s) are the right ones. Her future and yours with her may come down to this very issue. If she dismisses treatment, she's abdicating responsibility to get well and stay well. If something doesn't agree with her, clear it out and speak up. She should see a specialist--a psychiatrist who will take some time to explain what he or she is trying to do with a medicine. I take an anti-depressant and don't feel any presence of it. But I am sure I can so how much it helps me choose my emotions and proportions rather than just suffering with them bulling me over. An MD is more likely to give a sedative than a psychiatrist--psychiatrists mostly avoid giving anything that creates dependencies like sedatives. They look to try to make medicine "transparent" and non-addictive. And that should also guide the patient's approach. Everything depends on the patient's effort, cooperation, and willingness to speak up. Drawing wrong conclusions or dismissing all medication as "drugs" is a recipe for continued sadness. Good luck.

 

Thanks for your perspective Frisky. I've read quite a few of your posts in your battle against depression. I do agree with you for the most part. Believe me, I am about as anti-Luddite as it comes toward modern medicines. It did just concern me that her doctor prescribed this medication with just a 20 minute consultation. She's talked about therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. I am encouraging her in this. Of course I can't physically force her to do anything, but I hope she does the right thing. I'm personally of the belief that therapy should be the first thing to try in cases like these, and if that doesn't seem to be working then move onto medication. She said that one she just tried made her ill. Perhaps a different one might be better. I'll see what happens with therapy in the next few weeks. I'll try support her as best I can in the meantime.

[c57dood]

Take her on a trip somewhere in nature that is beautiful. Sunshine, mountains, beaches, something to get her out into natural settings away from the house and what I would assume a depressing location.

 

You can go camping, hiking, exploring, etc. I bet if she gets some time in sunshine and nature she'll pick up.

[Eclypse]

Your girlfriend is very ill and you're frustrated because your sexual needs aren't met?

 

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

 

Our sex life has been going downhill for a while. Yes it's a serious issue. Upon rereading it I didn't word it the way I wanted to. I do want us to have a healthy, active sex life. Getting rejected hurts, especially over a long period of time. I'm not being pushy or trying to force her into it. I'm 100% commited to supporting her and making her feel better.

[Eclypse]

Take her on a trip somewhere in nature that is beautiful. Sunshine, mountains, beaches, something to get her out into natural settings away from the house and what I would assume a depressing location.

 

You can go camping, hiking, exploring, etc. I bet if she gets some time in sunshine and nature she'll pick up.

 

That's a really great idea. I had a mountain getaway planned next week after her exams finish. It would be great to go up to the snow and go on walks through snowy forests and get back to nature. I can't wait for it!

[Maleficent]

Our sex life has been going downhill for a while. Yes it's a serious issue. Upon rereading it I didn't word it the way I wanted to. I do want us to have a healthy, active sex life. Getting rejected hurts, especially over a long period of time. I'm not being pushy or trying to force her into it. I'm 100% commited to supporting her and making her feel better.

 

It doesn't matter how you phrase it. She is not in her normal state of mind right now. She is very sick.

Would you think the same if she had cancer?