ex-girlfriend has been in touch but is it closure or something else that she wants!

[mijas]

I split from a woman last September; it was a nasty split and things were said. I almost went to see a lawyer. But things calmed down and so I left it alone.

 

Three months later she wanders in to my favorite cafe ( she knows I'm in there every morning at 8am ) and handed back a print I'd bought her. It was of no value and I didn't understand why she hadn't binned it or if she felt I should have it then she could have posted it.

 

My male buddies all said that this was her closure but all female friends said she was using it as an excuse to see me and that she'd contact me somehow. I forgot the whole episode. She found a new man, fell pregnant, bought a new house with him but he didn't move in. I hear that it's a "on-off" thing"

 

Then in April the texts started. First text she sent said "I'm angry and want some answers" so I sent an e-mail to cover the loose ends and so we swapped approx 50 texts which were all general pleasantries ( no anger at all! ) She even texted her new house phone number so I could phone and expain a few things ( am I missing the hint ) She also phoned me and we had a half hour chat abou nothing in particular.

 

It wasn't till a month of texting passed that she mentions her boyfriend. I thought this odd as my thinking was why are you texting an ex when she was in a relationship! Anyway she's clearly not happy and I told her so. Text rage ensued and all communications have stopped. I've seen her slipping pass "the cafe" a time or two and I just wonder if she is keeping a close eye on me. We last bumped in to each other 10 days ago when I was in for a caffeine fix with my current girlfriend. The atmosphere was electric I can tell you!

 

So my question is this. Was the print, the texts, the unrequested phone call and her texting her new phone number a means of stirring interest or does she really just need some closure. Being a man, I just don't get it!

[Jilly10340]

In my experience....I think that the texts and emails were just an excuse to see you, talk to you, etc....

 

This is exactly how I got my ex back. I would make stupid reasons to call him, drop by his apartment, see him, etc....Just to see if he was still interested in me or if something could happen.

 

I really don't buy into the whole closure thing. She wants you back.

[mikey m]

Very interesting and odd.

 

My male view is that if an ex g/f communicated with me in the manner you described then I'd too think that she was looking for a way back in.

 

But I notice you had a nasty split-up, so why are you so concerned? Do you want to get together with you ex.? These things rarely work out. Good luck anyway.

 

PS Get a womens opinion - they know best! eg Jilly 10340

[dingle]

Hmmm !

 

This doesn't sound like closure to me. Yes, she may be interested in you but she is perhaps just playing a game. She's testing out your feelings for her but be careful as she sounds a touch unstable

[the hammer]

closure......no way! she's trying to work her way back in to your life. the way she passed on her new house number was v v clever

[ziggue]

I agree with the other posts. I think she is looking for a way to get back into your life. Don't buy into the whole closure thing.

 

Don't let it wreck the relationship you have with your current girlfriend though. If you are unsure about this relationship be honest with your feelings so the girl knows where she stands. Don't mess with her head. Been in that situation and it is awful. Someone always gets hurt.

 

I remember texting one of my Ex Boyfriends on his mobile after a brake up but that was for revenge. Bagging out him and his Ex (current girlfriend now) with messages. I had some good dirt on them from my Ex's own mouth I had used that I could throw back in their faces. It put a smile on my face for a couple of seconds after I texted it. That was enough closure for me.

 

Even rang for an explanation for why he even bothered going out with me if he was just gonna go running back to his Ex wasting his time and mine.

 

That was all I did though. Didn't want to see him again after all that.

 

Your Ex is going one step further with this though. Don't let her get to you. She will only complicate things in your life. You don't wanna deal with all that ****.

[mijas1]

ziggue

 

The situation with your ex is scarily similar to mine.

I know when things went pear-shaped for her recently she'd realise I was a better option but it's too late now.

 

We met in a cafe a few years ago and would go in just to ogle each other but that stopped for months. However, she has started to re-appear. Can't decide if it's co-incidence or is she just hanging out specifically to see me.

 

I've bumped in to her twice whilst in company with my current g/f and let me tell you the atmosphere was electric/awkward/lustful/anger. Oh, she did phone a few months ago - I can't remember why but I doubt if we could stomach a face to face chat ( she suggested that we meet but I declined )

 

Don't worry I won't muck my current g/f around. She's fantastic. I just had to air things and get other peoples input. Strangers are always more honest than friends!

Thanks for your reply

[funky one]

Why don't you phone and ask her - you have her number!

[caroline-m]

This isn't closure. I'd say it was the opposite. All these little co-incidences are a way off seeing you and rekindling those familiar old feelings, knotted stomach etc

But watch out, this could just be a game. good luck whatever happens

[ally-e]

she sounds as confused as you clearly are!

 

is it unfinished business for you both? if neither party has proper closure then things can simmer for a very long time. from what you've posted i'd say she was probing to see if you're still interested - there's feelings on both sides, i suspect.

 

why don't you phone her, it's the only way to resolve this.

[melnmojave]

wants you back - is trying whatever it takes it sounds like. Are you the jealous type? is she trying to get a rise out of you by mentioning her new guy? whatever it is, it doesnt sound straight-forward and honest. I personally am leary of things not served straight-up. Sounds like if it ever goes anywhere it would be a mind-f**k all the time. I personally get worn out from having to pick-up the non-verbal indicators in those types of relationships....

[mijas-2]

Thanks melnmojave

 

No I'm not jealous but yes I agree there mind-f*** games being played. She is a major attention seeker, vain and a drama queen! But I did love her !!

 

My gut instinct is that she realises that I'm a better option for her. More stable etc but she is too stubborn to ask me back outright. She'll make me do the asking so that she can appear to be in control of things. As you say, all the non-verbal signs are that we are unfinished business. But I'm too old for these games!

[melnmojave]

hmmmm....I guess we are all at different levels of "relationship-maturity." By that I mean her inability to set aside her ego etc. in order to get to a healthy place in a relationship. Too bad for her - until she does it sounds like she will continually engage in that pattern. Since you are aware of what seems to be going on in her head, I mean you know she wants you back but doesn't have the personal strength to come out and say it....would it be worth it to you to cut her a break and be the strong one of the two? that is, put fear of pain and ego aside. Are you still unresolved about the relationship? Kinda sounds like it to me - there is something still there.

 

as far as being to old for the games - i am hearin ya! but, i think as long as we remain human - that is wallowing in the quagmire of emotion, any kind of relationship will be a challenge.......sounds like your well grounded enough to lead by example....with this woman.....if you wanted to....

[lea]

sounds suspicious! i'd say she is keeping the door open.

have you had any contact lately?

[dunc]

my ex did exactly the same to me!

 

this is game-playing and it's a lose-lose situation. whether she wants you back or not is academic. by the sound of things you'd finish in 6 months and be in a worse mess. leave this drama-queen annoy someone elses life

[the vince]

I'm freaked out how similar your situation is to mine

 

My ex e mailled me out of the blue as a way of "keeping in touch" which, by chance, was just after she had split from someone. It was just a game ie I'm still around and need attention. Whether she wants back or not is immaterial because it's a power trip. She never had the guts to phone however.

 

So I'd say she's wanting some sort of communication. The phone number was v strange if she DOESN'T want you back.

 

But watch out as this will probably end in tears ( again ) Her rebound relationship unsurprisingly, didn't work out and she's trying to rebound on YOU buddy. Trust me

[le bouzou]

we women are cunning and mischievous when it comes to enticing men into our lives.

 

she clearly wants some sort of relationship with you. but her manner is strange. she passes on her number but doesn't mention her b/f. how odd!!

 

i think she's playing games. sussing you out without directly asking the "question" but not letting go her man until she can "secure your services". i'd be v wary

[melnmojave]

"secure your services"?????? surely mijas is much more than a service.....I am sure he is a well-rounded (no pun intended) good-catch. I am sure she wants the full package (again, no pun intended), not just his "services". but hey, if there is something about mijas I dont know.....here's my number mijas, give me a call

[mijas?]

mel

 

your posting regarding "le bouzou" slightly confused me! ( ok - maybe i'm not too bright! )

 

like yourself, it's a brave act making an initial posting and then sifting through all the replies. i've found it very interesting to hear others views. gave me a new perspective.

 

how is your life now? hope everything has settled down. it can take quite a while for the dust to blow away. i was out in town last night and if my ex had showed up in the bar i think i would have left because of the bad feelings. but she didn't so we all drank till late........and today i'm hungover!

[melnmojave]

I just thought the "secure your services" sounded a bit sexual.....I was just having some fun with it. the "services" part just made me think that the ex didnt want to get rid of current guy (penis) until she had a replacement (penis).

Sorry if my sense of humor is a bit twisted and confusing.....I crack myself up whether anyone else gets it.....all is fine for me.....thanks for asking. Hope your hangover is tolerable...

[mijas7]

hi mel

 

i'm with you now! i'm so ill today......can't detox the way i used to!

 

i understand the "services" thing. i'm probably not that good but i try like hell!!

 

last night was weird. even a year down the line i would not stand near my ex, it's the love- hate thing. i don't doubt that she was hoping for a way back in but i had the sense to keep my pants on and anyway i'm v content with my current g/f

 

have a great sunday x

[nicky]

sounds as if you had a rough experience. so why would you want back even if her signals are inviting you back.

 

in almost all cases going back doesn't work. she had a failed rebound relationship and now she wants to rebound back to you.

 

no thanks

[zara]

Having read your post i can reflect upon it with the wisdom of my situation and say that she's not after "closure" All that takes it one huge conversation and then that's it, gone. Done and dusted. But this verges on stalking. There are evidently unresolved feelings there on her part but she can't seem to bring herself to say this - perhaps becasue she knows that you have a new partner and have moved on, and so this seething discontent rages inside her and she finds herslf drawn, like (forgive the cliche) a moth to a flame.

[1977]

Like most other replies, I can't see how this was closure. That could be done in one call as an earlier reply said.

 

If she is in limbo with her b/f then, you my friend, are a safe haven. However, she sounds unstable so why are you so hung up about her?

[owen]

It sounds as if she hasn't let go. If her new guy isn't up to much then naturally she'll be thinking that life with you was better.

 

But if it didn't work out first time then chances are that it won't work a second time. So I'd steer clear if I were you.

 

Like you, as a guy, I can't quite read the signals. I don't think it's closure but seek out a female friend and ask her opinion.