6 months after BU. So angry, feel I will never find me ever again.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I havn't posted here since last February, so it's been awhile since I was last on here.

 

The big 6 months after BU rolled over a few days back. And honestly, I feel as angry, as fearful and alone as I have ever felt in my life.

 

I've been through some horrid heartbreaks in the past. Even losing my 5 months old baby girl. Yet this feels on a whole different leveling of suffering. As though my entire body knew this girl was the one I had met after going through so much in the past. And feeling it was worth it, she was worth the wait, the pain, the anguish.

 

Now I want to punch through her chest and rip out her beating heart. I hate what she has done, how she so quickly forgot me. In the mornings when I first wake up, having a shower, driving, and then driving home, going to bed, are simply the worst. It's agony.

 

I felt better for awhile, but it's like a rollercoaster that never went back up, it's only still going down. Each month I've been feeling worse. More angry, regrets, feeling so ashamed of how and what I have become. The old me is gone forever now. That innocence, that joy, that no matter what always look on the bright side of things. It's gone. She has taken my very essence from me. My power, my everything. All that is left is an empty shell that goes to work, eats alone, comes home, hides in the house from the outside world.

 

Stupidly I still love her dearly. I still wish she would come back. I know that will never happen, and I know she will never reach out to me, or contact me. I have been good at not looking at her publicly viewable FB page. And havn't seen pictures of her, or her page since January. Her face is still so vivid in my mind, her smell, her voice, it's with me, it haunts me.

 

I am haunted in my sleep, in my waking hours. Especially of our first date, that lasted all day together. Possibly the most wonderful day I have ever experienced, and it's all for nothing, forgotten by all accept me.

 

Time is not healing. I want this to end. Today is not a good day.

 

I can hardly type I'm crying so much. I will post more later after I hopefully calm down.

[Hopeinme]

Hugs* You have to help yourself. You cannot change what she has done, but you can change how you feel about things. Easier said than done, but you HAVE to do it. 6 months is way too long and if you continue feeling this way, i suggest

You get some therapy. Indulge in self loving and it will take time, but you will be fine. Chins up. You are not alone in this.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Today is a somewhat better day. Time to continue with Part 2.

 

I still cannot get this woman out of my heart. For what she has done to me, she does not deserve to have a place there, but try as I might, I cannot remove her completely. Though my anger and hatred for her continues grow, my love for her does not seem to be going away completely.

 

I forgot to include a link to my original breakup situation from 6 months back in my first post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/365318-have-gone-nc-hoping-even-devil-will-make-deal-me-buy-my-soul

 

I have not had contact with her since mid January. For whatever reason, which I strongly feel was based on her guilt, she reached out to me to say she was available for me to ask her any questions that I wanted to ask her. Even hard serious questions, about the breakup and so on, and that she would be open and honest in answering them. Something must have happened around that time with her new guy because she was quite sweet, quite vulnerable and not so much showing the arrogance she displayed after leaving me so suddenly and latching onto the guy she had most likely been seeing all along. She also told me something in confidence which I know for certain she would not have told her new guy. That is, that things were not going well... this was about 3-4 weeks after our breakup. And that they were on a break so to speak so that she could "right some past wrongs" or something to that effect. Anyway, what she revealed was that she secretly wanted to be back with her ex husband, and be a family unit again. Now I'm more than certain she never and has not told her new guy this, and to this day am still puzzled why she told me this.

 

However within a day or two, her whole demeanor changed. She got cocky, arrogant again and started putting me down, mocking me in a way. It's almost like she had patched things up again with her new guy, and things were "great" again. And thus her reaching out to me to address any issues or questions, was now just a big bother to her. Thus I was no longer of any use to her again as she was back on track with her new guy. She only answered a few of the questions, and didn't put any effort into any of them. They were all light weight, airy fairy bs basically. She put most of her effort into explaining that she was not with this guy when she was with me, as in there was no overlap. However, the speed at which she left me and got serious with this guy very very quickly, meant that any family member, or friend or confidant I have spoken with about this at the time, all said it was clear to them she was with this guy all along, and only got with me to use me.. as a tool, to get a commitment out of him.

 

Hurt, disgusted and broken. I didn't reply to the end of her communications at that time. That was mid January.

 

Jump forward to Feb 13. I get a message on Facebook from her. In fact she had sent it to an old account that I never use. Since my main account is all hidden and such, I had created a blank account many years ago for family and friends if they wanted to find me via a search. Anyway, for some reason she sent a message to that account. Then she re-sent it to my main account saying she had sent it to my old account, and remembered I never used it, so had re-sent it to my proper account.

 

Her message was a request for help on some multimedia project she was working on. I did have experience in that field, but it doesn't mean that's why she sent me that message. It felt a bit like someone sending a msg/txt by "mistake". I don't think that was a case as I know she was working actually working on something and needed some help, but to send me a message, when I had been avoiding her at all costs seemed odd. Why then? And why me? She could have asked any number of other people who would have helped her. She ended the message by saying she needed to hear back right away, and then signed off by saying "I hope you are keeping well." Not, I'm so sorry for breaking your heart by way of lying and manipulating you into thinking for real I wanted to share a life with you, get married, have more kids and grow old together. F**k her, I never replied and deleted the message.

 

I had also back in January deleted all her txt messages, email, photos, emails, and had gotten rid of any things she had given me. No reminders whatsoever exist of her accept in my heart.

 

Fast forward some months. I have done my best to avoid her, not be in any places, or areas where she lives, or even associate with mutual friends. Friends tell me she was now engaged to her new guy. It didn't hurt as much as I thought, as she is a girl that can move fast in a relationship. I knew this was coming on the first day after she had left me. Though I did for many many nights, hope and long for her to come back, to break things off with this guy, to hear those words of I'm so sorry, I have made a mistake, I want you back in my life. Words I will never hear. Yet words I still to this day I still long for her to say.

 

Recently a female friend who I once had been involved with many years ago, and had been a wonderful shoulder to cry on, gave me her insights into this whole situation.

 

My ex had gotten engaged on Feb 14! That's right, one day before her engagement, she had sent me that message asking for help, and that she needed to hear back from me quickly. As I mentioned I never replied. But my friend felt this was my ex reaching out to me because she was not getting the commitment from her new guy, and was then going to try one of her old tricks by getting me involved again, or whatever to try and get a commitment out of her new guy. It must have worked since she was engaged the next day anyway. And with regards to her back in Jan telling me she secretly wanted to be back with her husband, my friend mentioned this was her freaking out thinking her new guy had left her, and thus not burning completely the bridge with me. That was her assessment of those 2 events, and she has good intuition for this kind of stuff. I'm sure others if they read this, might have their own thoughts on it.

 

That pretty much brings us up to date. I know I will never get answers, and I am not so much seeking them, but trying to lay things to rest.

 

I still long for her, and she still resides in my heart & thoughts. I still love her, and probably always will. I miss her terribly, miss her kids, and most of all, miss the life we had, and what we were apparently going to be leading. Marriage, settling down, raising the kids and caring for each other.

Edited June 12, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[Justletgo]

Just wanted to let you know that I also haven't completely gotten over the breakup with my first ex of almost five years, which was in late December. So that's almost 6 months now.

 

I have been feeling better the last month since I told her I wouldn't contact her again because of how she treats me. Doesn't even want to post me some of my stuff back (already paid for the postage) and ignores me completely.

 

So no, I do not think it's too long to grieve if the person really meant something to you unlike others are saying here.

But I guess that explains why my ex has gotten over me by now.

 

Sometimes I still think about why we had to breakup. I guess I just valued the relationship a lot more. It doesn't matter anymore, it's long gone now.

 

Wish you the best.

[portableversion]

yeah don't worry youll get through it in your own time. No one is the same. The other day I was at aa this lady said she dated and loved dearly this man who had dumped her. She said they dated for almost 2 years. And she said it took her 4 years to get over it. SHe said what really helped her was aa cause the whole thing almost drove her to drink so for a long long time she went to many extra meetings. HSe found support and help but she loved this man very much and wanted to get married, also too she is fat and ugly and that was the last man she had she has been single now for many years now

 

In my divorce support class we discussed how some folks never ever recover, and this is due to the bonding though sex, it glues folks together and when they dump you good luck.

Imagine if u never had sex with this person you probably would not care.

 

at least onething for sure we are mortal one day we will be dead no matter what and wont have to deal with this bull**** anymore, getting dumped is the worst for me it has made funeral visitation seem like trip to comedy club

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

"In my divorce support class we discussed how some folks never ever recover, and this is due to the bonding though sex, it glues folks together and when they dump you good luck.

Imagine if u never had sex with this person you probably would not care."

 

Wow that scares the ever loving CRAP out of me!!!

 

That was exactly what our relationship was! Eight years worth.

 

Never thought of it like that. No wonder here I am a friken year later still thinking of her!

 

Terrible, since there are so many better people out there! Ugh!!!

[RespectfullyAlone]

Scary indeed. Though for me it wasn't the sex that created that bonding, even though she would cheekily actually call it by that name herself "bonding".

 

I keep remembering this one particular day, the day I knew I really liked her, the day I knew I wanted to see where things went, and hoping it would continue on that journey. It was also the day I first slept with her, but having spent the entire day with her, going to all kinds of various places, the beach, theme park, romantic sunset, top of the tallest tower to see the entire city at night, always looking around to see if anyone was looking to sneak just one more kiss. On that day, towards the end of it, I was so happy, so blown away by what had transpired between us. Not just in love with her, but getting there. The sex was ok, not fantastic but I didn't care, it was here I was blown away with.

 

Now that day kills me inside. I am reminded of it everyday. I have never experienced a day like it, although I had always hoped I would. Now you'd think it would be the relationship part, lots more sex, and all the other things I experienced with her that would be at the front of my thoughts, but it's not, it was our first full day, and all day date so to speak that gets me every time.

 

Am still hoping I will hear from her. Stupid, ridiculous, insane I know, but I still do.

 

Also hoping someone might read my part #2 and comment on a few things, especially the Feb13, and Valentines day thing.

[Darren Steez]

Let's get this right. She cheated on you. She left you. Got engaged to someone else. She sends you a message on the day before she got engaged (which has nothing to do with anything...unless she proposed to him in which case she is so committed to him that she was willing to do it...or he proposed to her in which case she couldn't have known so her timing of sending the message is irrelevant)

 

You need to stop killing yourself and marinating over this. It sucks like hell. Real talk, you feel discarded and you may say you want her back but do you really? If she came back would you be willing to brush aside everything she's done, pretend to play happy and have 100% trust in her without bringing back the past..ever?

 

You say you'll never find me again...what does that mean? You were only you because of her? In that case the relationship is doomed because it is unequal. You need to be two individuals, strong in themselves, willing to nurture each other, respect yourself and once you respect yourself by natural extension, you respect others as they respect you.

 

Looks like she didn't respect you. As much as it hurts you need to respect the fact she's made the decision and is with someone else. You'll find you again because that person never went away and is still there. When the right girl comes along and you're happy then everything falls into place again.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Darren, I believe she was and is in the driving seat in her new relationship. She left me to go get him, or he made the commitment she was always wanting from him. Thus enough to bail from me. Either way she was the instigator and I'm very sure still is. Thus expecting, putting out hints she wanted a ring on her finger. In fact I know for a fact that happened, maybe not on that exact day, but not even a week after leaving me, she was with her guy, with his family and joking with them that there better be a ring on her finger soon. The guys family was really put off by this. It happened, thus I can only imagine she was driving things further, and up to that point was wanting, putting out hints obviously not so subtle that she wanted a ring, a marriage etc. And seeing as how it hadn't happened, yet for whatever reason reaching out to me. It was and is weird.

 

I will never know if she was with this guy first before me, left him for me then went back to him or not. All I know is I never knew about him. She didn't mention him at all, but afterwards it was evident she had been in contact with him. He was a friend of mine, and a mutual friend of hers so to speak. Thus I knew of a friendship, but only that. In fact she had once told me she felt uncomfortable as she felt he was hitting on her online. In hindsight, it was guilt on her part. Pretending to be honest and revealing, but not for the purposes of being honest and open. Rather for her own interests. My response was to stop contact. She apparently did stop contact, and that was the end of it from what I knew. Since I will most likely never speak with her again, how is one to know what really transpired, other than to say she broke my heart, and was a coward about it.

 

I hate that this still effects me. I hate that it's killing me inside. I won't ever get that chance, I can feel it inside of me, or her ever reaching out, or wanting to come back. Thus I am spared the ordeal of knowing or wondering what I would in fact do. Would I tell her to F off, or would I give her another chance. I don't really honestly think that much about it this facet of what ifs, all I know is I miss her terribly and still love her. I guess I'm a fool despite what she has done to me, but I do still love her.

 

I want to find myself again. She didn't take me away, as much as she crushed me so severely, that the person that comes "back" is not the same person. Instead an angry, distrustful jaded person. That's who I am becoming. That only cause me to hate her more. Thus the cycle just keeps going around.

Edited June 16, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[ballycastle]

Scary indeed. Though for me it wasn't the sex that created that bonding, even though she would cheekily actually call it by that name herself "bonding".

 

I keep remembering this one particular day, the day I knew I really liked her, the day I knew I wanted to see where things went, and hoping it would continue on that journey. It was also the day I first slept with her, but having spent the entire day with her, going to all kinds of various places, the beach, theme park, romantic sunset, top of the tallest tower to see the entire city at night, always looking around to see if anyone was looking to sneak just one more kiss. On that day, towards the end of it, I was so happy, so blown away by what had transpired between us. Not just in love with her, but getting there. The sex was ok, not fantastic but I didn't care, it was here I was blown away with.

 

Now that day kills me inside. I am reminded of it everyday. I have never experienced a day like it, although I had always hoped I would. Now you'd think it would be the relationship part, lots more sex, and all the other things I experienced with her that would be at the front of my thoughts, but it's not, it was our first full day, and all day date so to speak that gets me every time.

 

Am still hoping I will hear from her. Stupid, ridiculous, insane I know, but I still do.

 

Also hoping someone might read my part #2 and comment on a few things, especially the Feb13, and Valentines day thing.

 

Respectfully Alone, you mention sex was only OK and that you had a magical first day. What about the rest of the relationship? The beginnings are always the most magical, that's down to brain chemistry more than anything else to make you attach to your mate. It soon calms down and everything becomes normal.

 

But you need to weave the hurt to one side and look at the reality. My ex told me how he had found me at last and it was magical to hear. But he didn't mean it, if it did he was just wrapped in a moment, because we are no longer forever. You need to look at your relationship. Difficult I know, maybe a therapist can help you piece it together. But from what you have revealed it seems she may have had another agenda. She wanted to be married, a ring on her finger. Sounds like a red flag in itself. Is that what you wanted? Like another poster says relationships have to be equal. If you don't want the same things then it's doomed. I have spent my life always trying to please others, well what about me, my needs don't get met.

 

Ok, you love her, you miss her, but I think, you may have got a lucky escape as eventually you would have become unhappy trying to please someone without your needs being met. This could be why you perhaps feel so lost? Look at your relationship with your parents? Were you raised in an environment where you were ignored by a care giver? Where your needs weren't being met so you are used to having to work hard to get yourself noticed, validated?

 

Hope you don't mind me speaking so frankly but I recognise many parallels in me from your posts hence why I am contributing. And it's a blessing if she doesn't contact you as she would just further continue to mess up your head and right now you have to be selfish and get the you back in you

[ballycastle]

6 months is a long time to grieve a relationship.

 

No it isn't! It's perfectly normal!!

[RespectfullyAlone]

Respectfully Alone, you mention sex was only OK and that you had a magical first day. What about the rest of the relationship? The beginnings are always the most magical, that's down to brain chemistry more than anything else to make you attach to your mate. It soon calms down and everything becomes normal.

 

But you need to weave the hurt to one side and look at the reality. My ex told me how he had found me at last and it was magical to hear. But he didn't mean it, if it did he was just wrapped in a moment, because we are no longer forever. You need to look at your relationship. Difficult I know, maybe a therapist can help you piece it together. But from what you have revealed it seems she may have had another agenda. She wanted to be married, a ring on her finger. Sounds like a red flag in itself. Is that what you wanted? Like another poster says relationships have to be equal. If you don't want the same things then it's doomed. I have spent my life always trying to please others, well what about me, my needs don't get met.

 

Ok, you love her, you miss her, but I think, you may have got a lucky escape as eventually you would have become unhappy trying to please someone without your needs being met. This could be why you perhaps feel so lost? Look at your relationship with your parents? Were you raised in an environment where you were ignored by a care giver? Where your needs weren't being met so you are used to having to work hard to get yourself noticed, validated?

 

Hope you don't mind me speaking so frankly but I recognise many parallels in me from your posts hence why I am contributing. And it's a blessing if she doesn't contact you as she would just further continue to mess up your head and right now you have to be selfish and get the you back in you

 

What I meant by saying sex was ok, is that I've had some pretty amazing experiences in the past. Those involved people whom I was very much in love with. Since I was falling in love with this girl and then at the stage of being in love with her, it was still newish so to speak. The sex while ok to great wasn't the reason why I was in love with her. Don't get me wrong I LOVED having sex with her, it's just that in the beginning it didn't feel so much natural, as her maybe through insecurities or low self esteem being a bit quick to want to have sex. But I feel this was her way also of getting me attached to her as well. Thus we weren't really making love at that point, only two people who were into each other with increasing feelings having sex. That's only my observation of course, she may have not been doing or feeling what I thought she was. In time it did get better between us very much.

 

I simply reference this and say it's not the sex I remember the most, it's falling in love with her that triggers my memories and emotions. It was amazing, not just because it feels amazing to feel and experience life like that once again, but because I really did like her, I really saw a future with her. The rest of our relationship was great.

 

As for red flags and so on, I knew she wanted to get married again. This was apparent quick soon into our relationship. She had been married before, and had 3 very small children all under 4. It wasn't a situation I would ever find myself wanting to be in, but there I was falling head over heels for her. She talked about different things and so on concerning this. I made no secret that I wanted to get married at some point in my life too. She knew this, I knew this of her. Thus it never caused me to run away thinking she was moving too fast. As far as I knew at the time our communication on this was honest and open. She expressed so many times, she was blown away that guys like me existed, and that she was happy and blessed to have me in her life. We were both on the same page in terms of marriage. She was engaged six weeks after the BU, ater leaving me, so that tells you how much she wanted it to happen. The problem was she was talking about all that stuff with me. Engagements, weddings, small personal one somewhere, just the two of us, get on a plane and off to a far country to get married, and then having a small one with family, to all kinds of things she would talk about. I was pretty easy about it all. I told her my thoughts, but I could tell she while agreeing, had her own because she would bring up the subject again to talk about it. The discussions where nice. We didn't disagree on any of these things. Never for a moment did it dawn on me then, she would exit the relationship so suddenly, and get with this other guy.

 

I may have had a lucky escape, but really I'll never know since I won't get that chance to spend my life with her. Thus the what ifs kill me as I experience how truly amazing we were together.

[ballycastle]

 

As for red flags and so on, I knew she wanted to get married again. This was apparent quick soon into our relationship. She had been married before, and had 3 very small children all under 4. It wasn't a situation I would ever find myself wanting to be in, but there I was falling head over heels for her. She talked about different things and so on concerning this. I made no secret that I wanted to get married at some point in my life too. She knew this, I knew this of her. Thus it never caused me to run away thinking she was moving too fast. As far as I knew at the time our communication on this was honest and open. She expressed so many times, she was blown away that guys like me existed, and that she was happy and blessed to have me in her life. We were both on the same page in terms of marriage. She was engaged six weeks after the BU, ater leaving me, so that tells you how much she wanted it to happen. The problem was she was talking about all that stuff with me. Engagements, weddings, small personal one somewhere, just the two of us, get on a plane and off to a far country to get married, and then having a small one with family, to all kinds of things she would talk about. I was pretty easy about it all. I told her my thoughts, but I could tell she while agreeing, had her own because she would bring up the subject again to talk about it. The discussions where nice. We didn't disagree on any of these things. Never for a moment did it dawn on me then, she would exit the relationship so suddenly, and get with this other guy.

 

I may have had a lucky escape, but really I'll never know since I won't get that chance to spend my life with her. Thus the what ifs kill me as I experience how truly amazing we were together.

 

 

Respectfully Alone, thanks for sharing this with the group. It is interesting as I didn't realise she had 3 children. What concerns me is that they are very young, impressionable, and have a mother who doesn't seem to regard their feelings. AT ALL. And that is her job over and above her own happiness. That would mean that in a space of time in their lives they would have 3 potential fathers (their own, you and this new guy). That does not strike me as a stable home life for her kids. And it is the kids that are the most important, who will grow up to learn that their needs are not important and will choose partners who reflect their poor self esteem. Is that someone you want to spent your life with?

 

And also, she sounded like, she just wanted to marry anyone. Forgive me if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to all all. Of course it's easy for me to make comment about your situation and also I am acutely aware how painful this has been for you. I too have been through a break up from hell and am a way to being fully healed.

 

What I wanted to say that from reading posts the other painful thing to realise when we breakup is the final realisation we fell in love with an IMAGE of a person, not who they really are. Who they really are is the person's behaviour when they left us for someone else and didn't necessary regard US as people when they did that, or perhaps think about the consequences of their actions. And that is what makes us all human

 

I like you, don't ever know when or if I shall be ready to get back on the horse in terms of relationship ever again, but I do know that I will never compromise my values or boundaries. EVER. I have spent my whole life doing that and I can't afford to, I am a mother and have a responsibility to my children as well, particularly realising that I grew up seeing different men sail in and out of my life and not having a firm/strong/permanent father figure in my life. I realised that the last partners I had all had drink/subtance problems and it has taken me years to realise these avoidant partners all simulated my father's behaviour.

 

So maybe in this broken hearted time you give yourself time space to be sad, to HEAL, but to work out what it was that made YOU bond/be attracted to this woman, the IMAGE of this woman so that you are never in the same situation again.

 

Reading the posts on LU have literally saved me, more than therapy ever did!

[RespectfullyAlone]

Respectfully Alone, thanks for sharing this with the group. It is interesting as I didn't realise she had 3 children. What concerns me is that they are very young, impressionable, and have a mother who doesn't seem to regard their feelings. AT ALL. And that is her job over and above her own happiness. That would mean that in a space of time in their lives they would have 3 potential fathers (their own, you and this new guy). That does not strike me as a stable home life for her kids. And it is the kids that are the most important, who will grow up to learn that their needs are not important and will choose partners who reflect their poor self esteem. Is that someone you want to spent your life with?

 

And also, she sounded like, she just wanted to marry anyone. Forgive me if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to all all. Of course it's easy for me to make comment about your situation and also I am acutely aware how painful this has been for you. I too have been through a break up from hell and am a way to being fully healed.

 

What I wanted to say that from reading posts the other painful thing to realise when we breakup is the final realisation we fell in love with an IMAGE of a person, not who they really are. Who they really are is the person's behaviour when they left us for someone else and didn't necessary regard US as people when they did that, or perhaps think about the consequences of their actions. And that is what makes us all human

 

I like you, don't ever know when or if I shall be ready to get back on the horse in terms of relationship ever again, but I do know that I will never compromise my values or boundaries. EVER. I have spent my whole life doing that and I can't afford to, I am a mother and have a responsibility to my children as well, particularly realising that I grew up seeing different men sail in and out of my life and not having a firm/strong/permanent father figure in my life. I realised that the last partners I had all had drink/subtance problems and it has taken me years to realise these avoidant partners all simulated my father's behaviour.

 

So maybe in this broken hearted time you give yourself time space to be sad, to HEAL, but to work out what it was that made YOU bond/be attracted to this woman, the IMAGE of this woman so that you are never in the same situation again.

 

Reading the posts on LU have literally saved me, more than therapy ever did!

 

I purposefully kept my contact with her kids to a bare minimum in the beginning of our relationship, not showing any physical contact other than me just being a friend of hers. I was aware of the impact of her small children. My ex had been separated from her ex husband for over a year before we met. Though during that time, he did spent the night when coming to see the kids every few months. Since I know she wanted her family unit back together, chances are very high he wasn't sleeping on the couch if you know what I mean.

 

Anyway you are right, despite her saying her kids were her life and she wanted to protect them, her actions showed pretty much after leaving me, she was with this new guy or back with this guy she was seeing secretly on the side within a week. Thus it was a very quick transition. And if she really was concerned for her kids, she would not have had him pretty living with her after a week. Thus it was and is all about her.

 

Well I was genuine in my attraction and desire for her. If this had never happened, her leaving me and we were still together, I would have wanted to marry her. Thus her wanting to marry anyone, well she already had a guy who she knew was wanting to get married... ME. I was wanting and willing to take on looking after her and her 3 kids. There are not many guys around who would do that. In fact I have NEVER considered that as being an option for me until I met her. What guy honestly wants to look after 3 kids who are not their own, with a father still in the picture enough that he wanted to see the kids once a month or every few months. I felt at the time she was still worth it, even if that meant I would not get to have kids of my own. We even spoke about this. She cheekily would tell me, looking i my eye, that her eldest daughter who was 4, wanted more brothers and sisters. Great, but I did tell her it wouldn't be for a few years at least, and she seem happy and relieved knowing I didn't want to bang out a kid or two right away. I just wanted to be us for some years.

 

I for sure fell in love with an image of her, but it was still her relating to me. It felt so real, raw and amazing. It never for a moment felt like she was projecting this image of her, or hiding her warts and all secrets. In fact very early on she told me about her life, her hard upbringing, her parents separating, her mother years later becoming a lesbian. Her suffering depression in her early teens due to her parents breakup. You don't share these things unless you trust someone enough they will not judge you, or then want to run away or think of you less. I still loved her, in fact it created that feeling inside of me, that protector role even more, of I am going to just be me, and also be the most awesome best person she has ever had in her life. And she told me so, how I was blowing her away in so many ways. Seeing me with her kids, she would whisper to my family and myself like I had passed another test. She was happy and amazed how I was with small kids. There are many examples like that.

 

The person who left me, that related to me, and seemed cocky, arrogant like the cat that got the cream, as in she got her guy, the guy she really wanted to be with, and thus would afford to burn bridges, and not give a sh*t about me, that was a face of her I had never seen before. That could very well be the real her, but the other side of her, the side I fell in love with was real too. And I miss her more each day, when I should be missing her less. It's horrible.