aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Hello, While I agree with the whole NC policy, I have to wonder about what happens if the dumper reaches out to the dumpee and gets ignored. I'm not saying the dumper says "I miss you like crazy and want to try again", I'm saying they simply text a "how've you been". Isn't it childish and immature to ignore that text? Doesn't it validate to the dumper that she made the right decision since this person can't even reply to a text? I know.. part of me says "who cares what she thinks". The other part of me wonders if I'd be simply stooping to her level if I simply ignored her. I know the purpose of the NC is for us to heal and move on, not for a hope of getting them back. I'm just thinking out loud here. We've had a on/off relationship for the past 6 months and I've reached out to her after weeks of NC and she's always replied or picked up the phone. I would just feel like a butthead if I simply ignored her in return. Thoughts?
Giha Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I think what's wrong here is her not realizing the pain she'd cause by making contact. If she's not going to say the words I want to hear I'd rather be left alone. Bottom line is, we have to protect ourselves. If she can't understand the reasons she's being ignored, well..that is too bad. I don't think us dumpees should bother ourselves with how she feels about it.
Suave Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 They only try to keep you around for two reasons. 1) It eases their guilt. 2) They want a safety net to fall back on in case things with a new flame don't work out. Don't let them have either. 3
BustedUpInside Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Hello, Isn't it childish and immature to ignore that text? Doesn't it validate to the dumper that she made the right decision since this person can't even reply to a text? The dumper doesn't need any validation for knowing that they made the right decision. They are already gone, and haven't come back. They know they made the right decision already. But, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they are questioning their decision. What would be more likely to make them continue questioning it? If you respond to friendly texts with equally friendly texts, your ex will most likely think that you are fine with the break up. The two of you can both move on to other romantic partners, but still have friendly contact. Your ex doesn't have to feel guilty anymore because you are obviously fine otherwise you wouldn't be responding to the contact. However, if you go No Contact, not only do you give yourself some space to really think through the break up and evaluate whether you actually want to be with your ex, but it also gives them an opportunity to go over their behavior. Maybe they will miss you, maybe they won't, but I guarantee that it is probably pretty hard to miss someone if they never go away. Also, I don't believe it is immature to cut contact. You are not doing it to punish your ex. You are doing it to give yourself the time to get over the break up without the constant pressure of having to act like it didn't have any emotional impact on you. I think it is more immature of an ex to expect that the person that they just dumped owes them a friendship. Seriously? The dumper gets to choose when the relationship ends, but the dumpee has control over whether there will be a friendship or not. That is within your control and it is not childish to decline the offer.
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Hi, No, it's not ommature to to ignore the text. It's important for her to realise that once you dump someone, attempting to reinsert themselves into your life asa friend is a selfish act on the part of them. We think that in order to be the bigger person, we must accept the ex as a friend and just deal with it. It's not until you go around the block a few times, that you realise there is a time to reach out to people because you care, and a time to NOT reach out to people, because you care. Do not feel bad or petty or any of those negative emotions, if you do not respond to her text. If she reacts poorly, she is the one being immature. Your first priority must be yourself and your own recovery, and if contact with the ex impedes that, regardless of how 'polite' the attempt at interaction may be, you must take the right course of action for yourself. If you don't want to be her friend, if you want something more, stop contacting her. If you want to move on and find someone else, stop contacting her. Regardless of what outcome you want, the ONLY thing that works is NC. The rest of it is just excuses. HI MC, I think you're on point. I just had a light bulb go on. I guess the last few times we broke up, she was the one who did it (usually when she'd blow up over something stupid). When I reached out to her as the dumpee, she probably felt guilty and talked to me. We always got back together and tried again. I guess the determining factor in not feeling like a jerk if I don't reply to her is she was the dumper vs. being the dumpee.. Make sense? It was her choice to say "I'm done". So now it can be my choice to say I'm done by not replying to her.. 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 If she dumped you then why on earth do you care what she thinks about you? I'd love for my ex to come crawling back, but since that is not going to happen how she thinks of me is completely irrelevant. And yes, I would ignore any text from her unless it was her begging for another chance. I am not going to do anything to ease the guilt she feels (if in fact she does feel guilt).
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 The dumper doesn't need any validation for knowing that they made the right decision. They are already gone, and haven't come back. They know they made the right decision already. But, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they are questioning their decision. What would be more likely to make them continue questioning it? If you respond to friendly texts with equally friendly texts, your ex will most likely think that you are fine with the break up. The two of you can both move on to other romantic partners, but still have friendly contact. Your ex doesn't have to feel guilty anymore because you are obviously fine otherwise you wouldn't be responding to the contact. However, if you go No Contact, not only do you give yourself some space to really think through the break up and evaluate whether you actually want to be with your ex, but it also gives them an opportunity to go over their behavior. Maybe they will miss you, maybe they won't, but I guarantee that it is probably pretty hard to miss someone if they never go away. Also, I don't believe it is immature to cut contact. You are not doing it to punish your ex. You are doing it to give yourself the time to get over the break up without the constant pressure of having to act like it didn't have any emotional impact on you. I think it is more immature of an ex to expect that the person that they just dumped owes them a friendship. Seriously? The dumper gets to choose when the relationship ends, but the dumpee has control over whether there will be a friendship or not. That is within your control and it is not childish to decline the offer. Wow. you make some GREAT points here. That really helped me view this in a different light. Thanks 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 It's not even 'good' selfish to not answer her, it's not selfish in the slightest! YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING, when she dumped you she knowingly and willingly chose to sever ties with you, which incluce BOTH romantic ties and friendship ties. If someone you were not attracted to hassled you for a date and kept texting you, would you feel that you 'owed' it to them to go out with them, simply to make them happy? I should hope not. It is not selfish because YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING. It would only be classed as selfish if she did you some sort of favour or helped you out, and then she reached out to you and you ignored her effectively not 'paying back' her favour. if that was not the case, you don't owe her anything! I use dating sites and when I message a girl and don't get a response it can be frustrating but I understand, they don't owe me a response. I actually get more annoyed when they DO SEND ME A RESPONSE, a rejection like "hi, sorry not interested, good luck with the future" 2
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 It's not even 'good' selfish to not answer her, it's not selfish in the slightest! YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING, when she dumped you she knowingly and willingly chose to sever ties with you, which incluce BOTH romantic ties and friendship ties. If someone you were not attracted to hassled you for a date and kept texting you, would you feel that you 'owed' it to them to go out with them, simply to make them happy? I should hope not. It is not selfish because YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING. It would only be classed as selfish if she did you some sort of favour or helped you out, and then she reached out to you and you ignored her effectively not 'paying back' her favour. if that was not the case, you don't owe her anything! I use dating sites and when I message a girl and don't get a response it can be frustrating but I understand, they don't owe me a response. I actually get more annoyed when they DO SEND ME A RESPONSE, a rejection like "hi, sorry not interested, good luck with the future" I hear ya. I've also been on dating sites and also prefer to get ignored if I send an email to someone who's not interested. I also ignore as well. The same applies to the first few dates. If either are not interested after a date or two, they simply ignore your text or calls. Again, I do the same thing. In these cases, its very east to do it. It's just harder to wrap your head around ignoring someone who was at one point VERY important to you. As we know, it's just hard, that's all. One minute they were one of the most important things in your life for over a year and the next, they're gone. I get it was their choice to walk and now it's our choice to ignore and move on.. What makes it hard for me as well is my ex had an 8 and 9 year old that I totally fell in love with. Great kids who really like me as well. Her decision (which is rightly hers to make) impacted not only her but her kids as well. So, i lost three people in my life at one shot.. Isn't dating grand!
ConfusedT Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I agree! It is so hard NOT to respond, but in reality, space is the best thing. No matter how many times we break NC and foolishly allow NC to be broken, logically we are aware that NC heals us SLOWLY but surely if we allow it. I don't think it is rude or immature to ignore, although it may be viewed by them as such depending on their maturity level. Nonetheless, the NC is for you, not them and if you want to heal, time and space is the only way to do it!! 2
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