How much contact for LDR?

[malxme]

Hi all, this isn't so much a question about a relationship, but more something I've been thinking about regarding my previous relationship that was long distance.

 

I just want to know what people think about how much communication there needs to be when you're in a long distance relationship.

 

I'll give a little info on my past relationship to sorta set the scene. We were together for maybe 10 months before I had to move away (3 hour drive) for uni. It was a real whirlwind romance, we both fell pretty hard, so long distance seemed like the only option. It was long distance for 2 years, and in that time he came to me maybe 4ish times, whereas I'd go home sometimes more than once a month to see him (and see my family too of course). So we didn't see each other often at all, I am a poor student so i couldn't drive home too much, but he did have a job, there just always seemed a reason for him not to come..

 

And usually we'd text everyday, but sometimes I wouldnt hear from him for days, sometimes we'd be in the middle of a conversation (like an ACTUAL conversation, not just "hey what are you doing?") and he'd just stop answering (not during work hours btw). Then like 6 hours later he'll text and say 'hey'.

 

He didn't like calling me, but sometimes he would- mainly I'd just call him.

 

But we'd get into fights quite alot because I would tell him I needed more from him. For me being long distance was really hard, I got quite lonely being away from home and was struggling with my study and just in general needed someone to turn to, but he was always too busy, or he 'didn't know what to say' or whatever. And I'd get upset if I'd text him to talk and not get a reply for hours (as I said, quite lonely...), and he'd say he doesn't want to have to rush to his phone when it goes off. Which is fair enough, but when we're actually together and his phone goes off with a text from someone else, he always rushes to it pretty much immediately.....

 

I tried not to be too needy, but in my opinion when in a long distance relationship, its really important to keep up contact and to communicate in general about how you're feeling etc. and we just weren't doing that, and i'd get upset and get even worse and blah blah.

 

I just want honest opinions, was I being too needy and expecting too much? How much is communication important when you don't see the person very often? I realise putting pressure on him because I was struggling with my study wasn't fair, but as we were in a relationship, I guess I just wanted him to help me through it and support me...

 

But he considered me demanding and needy and high maintenance, and it just made me feel awful.

 

So what are your opinions on contact and LDR? I'd really like to know what other people think, and know if I was just being craaaaazy

[LittleTiger]

It aways depends on the individual's involved. We all have different needs, either in a LDR or a close distance relationship.

 

It sounds as though you wanted frequent daily contact and your boyfriend was happy with a lot less so it could be that you just weren't compatible.

 

On the other hand, from what you say, he made very little effort in any respect to keep the relationship going. He was perhaps just getting on with his life and, as far as he was concerned, you were no longer a priority.

 

It takes two very committed people to make a LDR work and sadly he doesn't sound as though he was committed. Some people are not capable of sustaining a relationship from a distance. It's nobody's fault, it's just one of those things.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, you weren't being too needy or expecting too much, LDR's do require a lot of time and effort to keep them going. Not having contact for a few days without a very good reason isn't good enough, I think most people in an LDR would struggle with that.

It sounds like he just couldn't be bothered, maybe he's not suited to an LDR, most people aren't.

If he says you're being too needy then I don't think you're compatible

 

 

 

Hi all, this isn't so much a question about a relationship, but more something I've been thinking about regarding my previous relationship that was long distance.

 

I just want to know what people think about how much communication there needs to be when you're in a long distance relationship.

 

I'll give a little info on my past relationship to sorta set the scene. We were together for maybe 10 months before I had to move away (3 hour drive) for uni. It was a real whirlwind romance, we both fell pretty hard, so long distance seemed like the only option. It was long distance for 2 years, and in that time he came to me maybe 4ish times, whereas I'd go home sometimes more than once a month to see him (and see my family too of course). So we didn't see each other often at all, I am a poor student so i couldn't drive home too much, but he did have a job, there just always seemed a reason for him not to come..

 

And usually we'd text everyday, but sometimes I wouldnt hear from him for days, sometimes we'd be in the middle of a conversation (like an ACTUAL conversation, not just "hey what are you doing?") and he'd just stop answering (not during work hours btw). Then like 6 hours later he'll text and say 'hey'.

 

He didn't like calling me, but sometimes he would- mainly I'd just call him.

 

But we'd get into fights quite alot because I would tell him I needed more from him. For me being long distance was really hard, I got quite lonely being away from home and was struggling with my study and just in general needed someone to turn to, but he was always too busy, or he 'didn't know what to say' or whatever. And I'd get upset if I'd text him to talk and not get a reply for hours (as I said, quite lonely...), and he'd say he doesn't want to have to rush to his phone when it goes off. Which is fair enough, but when we're actually together and his phone goes off with a text from someone else, he always rushes to it pretty much immediately.....

 

I tried not to be too needy, but in my opinion when in a long distance relationship, its really important to keep up contact and to communicate in general about how you're feeling etc. and we just weren't doing that, and i'd get upset and get even worse and blah blah.

 

I just want honest opinions, was I being too needy and expecting too much? How much is communication important when you don't see the person very often? I realise putting pressure on him because I was struggling with my study wasn't fair, but as we were in a relationship, I guess I just wanted him to help me through it and support me...

 

But he considered me demanding and needy and high maintenance, and it just made me feel awful.

 

So what are your opinions on contact and LDR? I'd really like to know what other people think, and know if I was just being craaaaazy

[malxme]

Thanks for your opinions, I guess I just wanted to know if it was something I really needed to work on, because sometimes I think maybe I am too 'needy' and expect too much. I guess I forget that just because I treat my partners a certain way, doesn't mean they will do the same for me..

 

Long distance was really hard, and I tried to organise ways to keep close like video chats and scheduled phone calls, but often he'd leave me waiting. If i tried to bring anything up I'd get yelled at. In the end he left me for various reasons, and made me feel like he blamed me for asking too much of him and putting too much pressure on him, making him angry.

 

I suppose if he really wanted to be with me, he'd have made it work right?

[LittleTiger]

I suppose if he really wanted to be with me, he'd have made it work right?

 

In a nutshell - yes!

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

It definitely sounds as though he wasn't 'all in' so your LDR didn't stand much chance anyway - regardless of how 'needy' you were.

 

I don't think wanting significant daily contact in a serious long term relationship can be considered needy though. People live together because they want to share their lives - unfortunately he clearly didn't want to share your life.