Should I Try to Clear Things Up?

[fiftyofsomethin]

Hey guys,

 

For the most part I have been pretty damn good lately. I have given very little thought to my ex and her friends or pretty much anything about her life in the last few weeks and I have been pretty damn happy.

 

However, I just had a bit of a heart-to-heart talk with a close buddy who recently broke up with his girlfriend in the last few days and that made me realize that I never had a "talk" with my ex. I never "debriefed" the relationship as it were.

 

There are a few things I wish I knew:

The REAL reason why she wanted to break up, not the sugar-coated reason she told me that was likely intended to not hurt my feelings. And I would also like to know what exactly she wants us to be like right now. I have heard that she wants us to just be friends how we were before our relationship but I want to hear that from her because I don't think that will be possible.

 

So what I am wondering, fellow LS members, is whether I should call/text/talk to her sometime soon regarding these things.

 

Just some background: we have not talked since the breakup 3.5 months ago other than a couple sort of awkward "hi"'s and waves when we have seen each other.

 

Some reasons I can find for NOT doing it are: I don't want her to think that I am dwelling on her still, I don't want to potentially ruin any relationship I have with some of our mutual friends, and I also just don't really want to talk to her in general because I'm not entirely sure I want to hear what she might say. I know what I WANT to hear, but I'm not entirely sure of what I DON'T want to hear.

 

But still, I don't think I will ever get these answers if I don't talk to her.

 

I just don't feel I ever got the right closure.

[avelonia2013]

LOL...I agree with metalchick. What difference would it make? None.

[fiftyofsomethin]

It has been killing me lately that I don't know. I want to be able to IMPROVE myself and how do I better myself and my future relationships if I don't even know the real reason why my most recent one ended?

 

I couldn't give two ****s about her right now, I just don't want to have my future relationships suffer because I don't have all the knowledge about this one.

 

Also my therapist suggested that I do something like this soon too.

[aisuru]

Your therapist is lame. Goodness!

 

Most of us know what we did or did not do in the relationship that contributed to the demise or at the very least, hindered it's progression to the next level. We just have to look real deep within ourselves and then be honest.

 

That's when you find your closure.

 

Please don't contact her. Nobody wants to be contacted months after the relationship to be asked what went wrong.

 

And I'm saying this as somebody whose ex gave ZERO reason for breaking up. He even said in our breakup conversation, he was sorry he could not provide me any closure.

 

It just was time for him to not be in the relationship. Quite honestly, I knew it was time. I knew we shouldn't have dated. Doesn't mean I don't care about him or miss him. Doesn't mean he didn't care about me.

 

Sometimes, it just is what it is.

 

Acceptance and closure come from within.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I don't think you're going to get the answers you seek. You might have done something to annoy this one that totally charms the next person.

 

It's a fool's errand. It ended because the she didn't want to date you any more. Any deeper analysis just leads you to change yourself for a relationship and you shouldn't do that. You should be yourself.

 

Thanks for the response. You are right.

 

I am honestly surprised I have spent THIS much time thinking about her. The last few weeks have gone almost completely absent of thoughts of her. I have been working on self-improvement mostly just with my mindset and I'm amazed at home much more outgoing and confident I have become. I also started thinking ABUNDANTLY rather than having this feeling that I lack so much. I just realized that I didn't need her in any way to be happy. All it was was that I was in this mindset of lack that told me "she was the one" but really she is just one in a large group of billions of women on this earth.

 

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS, MY FRIENDS!

[fiftyofsomethin]

I mean the more that I think about it, why do people even feel ANY pain after they break up? If you have the mindset of abundance and that you will have other great opportunities down the line, why would you ever feel sad?

 

I know that I still have certain things that make me nostalgic about her, sure, like she used to think it was so funny and "awesome" that I could just lay on the floor of my room and do homework or read or whatever. Just little things like that that I suppose make me miss her a bit but I also need to just realize that she wasn't EVERYTHING in my life and that I can be happy, actually HAPPIER without her.

 

It could just be my opinion, but I don't know.

 

And to respond to what you said about changing, I honestly was just not happy with myself, I have a feeling that my ex broke up with me because I was definitely lacking in self-esteem and I just didn't have much confidence. So now I've been training myself to not care and I am just amazed at how much of a change simply keeping your mind in the moment, not giving a crap what other people think and having a mindset of abundance has helped.

 

Those three small changes may very well make me into exactly the person I have always wanted to be.

[eucalyptus]

I think that the bottom line is that you need to just trust and respect yourself in a relationship. This is not to say that you should be oblivious as to your partner's needs, but rather that you should strive to never lose respect for yourself ever. There are going to be disagreements that make you question your viewpoint, but don't ever be lead to believe that your opinions don't matter or aren't valid. All too often in a relationship the dumpee loses traction/respect in the relationship because they start to doubt themselves. This is unattractive to their mate and can be next to impossible to recover from. Most people are initially attracted to their significant other because of their unique convictions and/or confidence. When we become reliant upon our mates approval/validation - we begin to push them away. Easier said than done, but the moral to most stories on this site (IMHO) is that the dumpee should really be in a position of not caring about being dumped if they didn't do anything blatantly harmful to cause the break up. If we can confidently say that it's the dumpers loss, then the loss itself should seem relatively insignificant. Again, easier said than done.