Mary80 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for almost two years. There have been ups and downs, but lately we were doing fine... so I thought. I got really mad at him for being inflexible with me about his schedule, etc. In short he was not available when I needed it, just when he made himself available... under his own terms. And it's not that I wanted all his attention or time, I usually am very understanding. Well, two days ago... I started being inflexible for once, and his reaction was the straw that broke the camel's back. He offered no real fix or solution, he kept saying I should just get over it. By the way, he made me cry, he got sad. I was not well, he had a bad headache... At the end of it all, he signed off from Skype. I told him "don't contact me anymore, ever", he said "I'll try not to contact you anymore". I know it sounded drastic... But I also think we should talk at least one more time. So I sent him an email scheduling a call tomorrow morning. I told myself, if he really cares, he will call tomorrow, before going to work, at the scheduled time. If he won't, I'll block him and go no contact. Saying that I'm sad right now is an understatement. I'm losing him and I don't know if he will be there for the call. He's proved to be a bad decision maker, not always... but well, I don't know what to think anymore. I think I just need a shoulder to cry on right now.
malxme Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Your situation sounds heaps like mine was. Its tough because if it wasn't long distance, there wouldn't be these problems, Right?! I just think that in general, guys aren't wired for long distance... They aren't good at keeping in contact 'just because', they seem to only contact when there is a reason to... I've just posted a question myself asking opinions about contact and LDR, but my opinion is that they require alot of effort. It takes heaps of understanding from both sides, but it sounds like he wasn't there for you when YOU needed him, and i know from experience how upsetting and hurtful that is. Maybe having a break is the best thing to do? But be careful, be prepared that he MAY see other girls in thinking that your relationship is over. And that'll hurt ALOT... But it sounds like he wasn't giving you the attention you needed to feel good about the relationship, so maybe time apart will tell you both what the next step is? 2
HeavenOrHell Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Have to disagree that, in general, guys are not wired for LD, my partner has phoned pretty much every day for over 3 years, and we talk a lot online, it's me who doesn't deal as well with the distance. I think men are just as likely to keep up with contact than women are. Agree with everything else though! Your situation sounds heaps like mine was. Its tough because if it wasn't long distance, there wouldn't be these problems, Right?! I just think that in general, guys aren't wired for long distance... They aren't good at keeping in contact 'just because', they seem to only contact when there is a reason to... I've just posted a question myself asking opinions about contact and LDR, but my opinion is that they require alot of effort. It takes heaps of understanding from both sides, but it sounds like he wasn't there for you when YOU needed him, and i know from experience how upsetting and hurtful that is. Maybe having a break is the best thing to do? But be careful, be prepared that he MAY see other girls in thinking that your relationship is over. And that'll hurt ALOT... But it sounds like he wasn't giving you the attention you needed to feel good about the relationship, so maybe time apart will tell you both what the next step is? 2
LittleTiger Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Your situation sounds heaps like mine was. Its tough because if it wasn't long distance, there wouldn't be these problems, Right?! No, I don't believe that is right. Both your relationship and Mary80's broke down for reasons that would most likely have surfaced at some point, even if you were living close by. Neither of your guys were committed to you - if they had been, they would have worked with you, not against you. Although, in some cases, circumstances can cause problems that are insurmountable, LDRs can nevertheless be very successful. This suggests that 'long distance' alone is not usually the cause of a difficult LDR. I just think that in general, guys aren't wired for long distance... They aren't good at keeping in contact 'just because', they seem to only contact when there is a reason to... I disagree with this too. When it comes to committed relationships men are not 'wired' any differently to women in LDRs. If they love you and want to be a part of your life, they make the effort. If you're not that important, they don't. There will always be differences in how much contact individuals need whilst apart but that has nothing to do with gender. 1
Ani Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I disagree with this too. When it comes to committed relationships men are not 'wired' any differently to women in LDRs. If they love you and want to be a part of your life, they make the effort. If you're not that important, they don't. There will always be differences in how much contact individuals need whilst apart but that has nothing to do with gender. Thank you, in my relationship I was the one putting all the effort; while, she wasn't. I think it all comes down to who loves who and how much and not about your gender. 1
nugget_718 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for almost two years. There have been ups and downs, but lately we were doing fine... so I thought. I got really mad at him for being inflexible with me about his schedule, etc. In short he was not available when I needed it, just when he made himself available... under his own terms. And it's not that I wanted all his attention or time, I usually am very understanding. Well, two days ago... I started being inflexible for once, and his reaction was the straw that broke the camel's back. He offered no real fix or solution, he kept saying I should just get over it. By the way, he made me cry, he got sad. I was not well, he had a bad headache... At the end of it all, he signed off from Skype. I told him "don't contact me anymore, ever", he said "I'll try not to contact you anymore". I know it sounded drastic... But I also think we should talk at least one more time. So I sent him an email scheduling a call tomorrow morning. I told myself, if he really cares, he will call tomorrow, before going to work, at the scheduled time. If he won't, I'll block him and go no contact. Saying that I'm sad right now is an understatement. I'm losing him and I don't know if he will be there for the call. He's proved to be a bad decision maker, not always... but well, I don't know what to think anymore. I think I just need a shoulder to cry on right now. LDR needs a lot more patience and understanding than other RS. If one's schedule is immensely busy, one of you has to be more flexible. My LDR relationship has been through this cycle for the last 9 months with him running around the world on business. Believe me when I say I totally understand your frustrations but someone has to give way and in this case it looks as if it's you. Now, if your LDR bf is unavailable by his choice alone (meaning no outside contributing factor like work) then I could see a problem. Talk things through. Communication is the highly important in any relationship anyway, LDR or not. I hope he calls you. Keep us updated.
Author Mary80 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 __UPDATE__ He called me this morning. He even asked me if he could call before the scheduled time, so that we could have more time to talk. He said "you know, guys don't like to talk about feelings. And I'm a guy." But then we talked more about everything, throughout the day, on Skype. Thanks everyone for your answers. 1
Forever Learning Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 __UPDATE__ He called me this morning. He even asked me if he could call before the scheduled time, so that we could have more time to talk. He said "you know, guys don't like to talk about feelings. And I'm a guy." But then we talked more about everything, throughout the day, on Skype. Glad to hear it. Hope it works out how you hope it will. Set some goals together for someone moving to be with the other. Don't stay in this sitaution for another 2 years if you can help it. I personally think long distance relationships are a very difficult and trying endeavor, and that it shouldn't be long distance over 2 years or so, tops. Otherwise, it becomes unbearable. Let me change that to 1 year, tops. It's just too difficult to sustain otherwise. All the best to you.
LittleTiger Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I personally think long distance relationships are a very difficult and trying endeavor, and that it shouldn't be long distance over 2 years or so, tops. Otherwise, it becomes unbearable. Let me change that to 1 year, tops. It's just too difficult to sustain otherwise. All the best to you. Yes, they are very difficult and it's not something anyone would actually choose BUT it's not unbearable or too difficult to sustain if you are both 100% committed. Kiwi man and I are are three and a half years in and still going strong. It's the best relationship either of us has ever had and, since we're still nearly 11,000 miles apart most of the time, I find it increasingly difficult to believe that distance alone is what makes LDRs tough. Mary, I'm glad he called you but please be careful not to get yourself back into a situation that doesn't work for you. All relationships are a two way street, that means give and take on both sides - and talk is cheap! You need to pay attention to what he actually does in response to your long chat on Skype. I hope he is able to give you what you need and that it all works out for you. 4
Forever Learning Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Kiwi man and I are are three and a half years in and still going strong. It's the best relationship either of us has ever had I'm so glad you guys are happy. That's all that counts of course. I'm just not a fan of long distance relationships myself. But they do serve a purpose for some folks, a very good purpose, I won't deny that. Cheers!
LittleTiger Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I'm so glad you guys are happy. That's all that counts of course. I'm just not a fan of long distance relationships myself. But they do serve a purpose for some folks, a very good purpose, I won't deny that. Cheers! Thanks FL.......but, trust me, neither of us is a 'fan of long distance relationships' either! Far from it in fact! I doubt anyone in a LDR would describe themselves as a 'fan'. The only 'purpose', in our case anyway, is to bridge the gap between our first meeting and living together. We won't be LD for one second longer than we absolutely have to be! Cheers! 3
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