ComingInHot Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Dreaming, you have such a deep insight and such an amazing story! You would leave many wanting for understanding should you ever choose to leave LS! You offer the perspective of a BW BUT from yet a different vintage point. Your comment above is extremely powerful!! You've definitely made a difference in my own life* 6
dreamingoftigers Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Dreaming, you have such a deep insight and such an amazing story! You would leave many wanting for understanding should you ever choose to leave LS! You offer the perspective of a BW BUT from yet a different vintage point. Your comment above is extremely powerful!! You've definitely made a difference in my own life* Different vantage point?
landshark Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Not only have I been in your shoes but I kept it up after her husband got home from deployment. Instead of doing what I knew was right and tell her to lose my number until the ink is dry on the divorce papers I played therapist, met her secretly and ultimately bore witness to her leaving her husband briefly and hooking up with a dude from our gym!!! Then when she got busted with this guy, she told her hubby about me! Seriously? Anyway, I sit here dumped again, and completely miserable, but maybe I can add some time tested and well worn simple advice. You want no part of this, I cringe when I hear you say the things he has said about his wife and child because it reeks of dishonesty and insincerity. Remember the cliche, "what he'll do with you..." If you still persist, then you need to look for certain things from him (after he pulls the plug). 1) A frank look at his marriage with a long disertation about what HE did wrong and how it won't happen again. 2) Notice how he changes after the divorce (mood, outlook, dealing with his wife, prioritizing you, treating random strangers) I've been through a divorce and let me tell you it was the worst experience of my life and that includes a prison riot and being laid up in the hospital for almost a year. he will change, do you want to be on the other side of the tunnel to pick up the pieces??? 3
TheOW Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I get this You hate him and you hate her even more. How can he desire you so much for so long, how can you be his everything one minute and nothing the next ? why would she take him back after what he did ? questions, questions, why, why, why - and alot of god dammed heartache ! As the saying goes "you didnt realise how good you had it until you lost it" and thats probably what he realised about his wife and family. Will it work ? Who knows ? Maybe, maybe not but one day you will realise you dont actually care. you aren't stalking him you are doing what every other broken hearted person would do. Its even worse when you live in the same town as them (I know im the same) you want to bump into him and u dread it even more. 8
jnel921 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I think maybe 1 in 2000 people could comprehend the depths I plunged to during that time. All I had left was a stupid "facade." And even that disappeared when he went and snagged the cash in the business account that he still had the authority to sign off on. Leaving me with $100, a dog and a car a few days before rent was due. And not a damn legal thing I could do about it. So instead of getting evicted and dealing with that pit of Hell, I did what I did when I was younger. . I am your 1 in 2000 dreaming of tigers. I too in My first M was married to a cheat who I had to put out. I had a 1 year old and was pregnant with my second about 4 months along. I was left with $182 in my account. I too had to resort to things I would never do now to feed my kids and keep a roof over their heads. My daughter was premature due to my stress and my ExH showed up after she was born at the hospital with hickeys all over his neck. He was disgusting. Kicking him out was the best decision I ever made and it made me stronger. FF 15 years later and now I had to deal with H #2 and his infidelity. I am thankful my H is nothing like My ex. What he did was bad but at least He was remorseful and we are working on R and improving our M. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I am your 1 in 2000 dreaming of tigers. I too in My first M was married to a cheat who I had to put out. I had a 1 year old and was pregnant with my second about 4 months along. I was left with $182 in my account. I too had to resort to things I would never do now to feed my kids and keep a roof over their heads. My daughter was premature due to my stress and my ExH showed up after she was born at the hospital with hickeys all over his neck. Hey there fellow member of the 1/2000 club Your ex is disgusting. But I'm sure that you know that. I actually don't regret doing it. I regret not protecting myself so I didn't end up with such limited options. As far as I'm concerned, I used it legitimately. 1
Snowflower Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I don't understand what face it is you think they should be showing the world? You seem upset that they are moving on with their lives and doing things (projects) as a couple. Isn't that what couples do, things together? I don't walk around miserable and focused on that one event 24/7. We had an entire life before her and we will have an entire life after her. The things we do and feel now have nothing to do with her. In the whole scope of things she as a person is irrelevant. I'm late to the party but that was kind of my thought too. Sure, their continued life together could all be for show but I kind of doubt it. Like the OP said, that would get exhausting. So, maybe their reconciliation is the real thing. How should a reconciling couple act after d-day? Depressed and sullen together at social events? Never work on a house project together? Or buy a new house together? An affair is a cataclysmic event in a marriage but it would be very unhealthy to focus solely on that event forever. So, I guess I am confused. If a reconciling couple tries to move forward together and find happiness together again, then it is all just a facade? OTOH, if they publicly focus on the affair, then they aren't letting it go and are doomed (rightly so) to misery? 7
krazikat Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) I am your 1 in 2000 dreaming of tigers. I too in My first M was married to a cheat who I had to put out. I had a 1 year old and was pregnant with my second about 4 months along. I was left with $182 in my account. I too had to resort to things I would never do now to feed my kids and keep a roof over their heads. My daughter was premature due to my stress and my ExH showed up after she was born at the hospital with hickeys all over his neck. He was disgusting. Kicking him out was the best decision I ever made and it made me stronger. FF 15 years later and now I had to deal with H #2 and his infidelity. I am thankful my H is nothing like My ex. What he did was bad but at least He was remorseful and we are working on R and improving our M. I am also one in those numbers...although not married at the time, I was with my oldest Childs donor for two years...I was a teen and it was my first serious relationship. I got pregnant, he cheated and gave me several stds, I left him...at 17 years old, with no family support, with no job, and 7 months pregnant I left. Even at that age and with no help I knew I deserved better than that dirty di*I man slut. Oh, and he has over 20 kids now, by about 15 different moms...he is a narc and has no remorse, he tried to get me back for the first year or two and then completely stopped any interaction with our baby when she was 5, although and interaction had been scarce before then. The donor has never really been involved with her, but my Fwh has been her father for the past 12 years...as a teen mom, the judgmental things I dealt with...told i was never going to amount to anything, called a whore and slut, so many things. Which is probably what motivated me to succeed tbh..but I did alright. I worked full time, went back to school, now I have lots of degrees, a great career, and my daughter .ended up ok, too. graduated hs 2 years early, isn't into the normal crazy teens are into...she works 2 jobs and is very responsible...and often tells me what a motivation I am...but the impact of her absent donor is there...even before the A came to light, she doesn't really date, doesn't trust people, but she also doesn't put up with ish from anyone. I also think all this has made me very independent...and I have developed a great game gave...so my h truly thought I didn't care about him and he didn't feel needed...oh here I go thread jacking....sorry! But yes, dealing with the cheating from the man I chose as my husband? Who I dedicated myself to, and all that? Who I stuck by even when he was an alcoholic because I took my vows seriously? Oi. Edited June 8, 2013 by krazikat 2
sweet_pea Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Seriously, though, what facade? I'm trying to understand... because he has now chosen to be with his wife, them possibly being happy, doing activities together, whatever, means that they are putting on a show? So because he is with his wife (and not the OW, his soullllmate) he can't possibly be trying to really put in the effort to show her he wants to reconcile, to show her he does love her, etc? Bottom line, you will never know (nor will I, or anyone except for the couple), if it is a show or not. It very well could be, and it could very well be 100% real. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I am also one in those numbers...although not married at the time, I was with my oldest Childs donor for two years...I was a teen and it was my first serious relationship. I got pregnant, he cheated and gave me several stds, I left him...at 17 years old, with no family support, with no job, and 7 months pregnant I left. Even at that age and with no help I knew I deserved better than that dirty di*I man slut. Oh, and he has over 20 kids now, by about 15 different moms...he is a narc and has no remorse, he tried to get me back for the first year or two and then completely stopped any interaction with our baby when she was 5, although and interaction had been scarce before then. The donor has never really been involved with her, but my Fwh has been her father for the past 12 years...as a teen mom, the judgmental things I dealt with...told i was never going to amount to anything, called a whore and slut, so many things. Which is probably what motivated me to succeed tbh..but I did alright. I worked full time, went back to school, now I have lots of degrees, a great career, and my daughter .ended up ok, too. graduated hs 2 years early, isn't into the normal crazy teens are into...she works 2 jobs and is very responsible...and often tells me what a motivation I am...but the impact of her absent donor is there...even before the A came to light, she doesn't really date, doesn't trust people, but she also doesn't put up with ish from anyone. I also think all this has made me very independent...and I have developed a great game gave...so my h truly thought I didn't care about him and he didn't feel needed...oh here I go thread jacking....sorry! My mother had serious back problems after having my sister when I was twelve. My family is tall and wideset. I had reached my grown height not long after that. I easily passed for 14-15. Since my mother was essentially bedridden and I had already been "parentified" for years, I ended up taking on crazy amounts of responsibility and practically raised my sister during her first few years until I had to leave home. That included doing things like taking her on grocery shopping trips etc. The way that people even looked at me with confusion or disdain or outright disgusting was ...... disgusting. And they had no effing clue who I was, what my circumstance was or even if I was of age and potentially married but looked youthful. So effing ignorant. Sometimes I would even hear comments. Like, really? wtf? That's crappy that you went through that.
HopingAgain Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Why do you think she is unhappy? So MANY OF us BSs LIVED this scenario....a WS who cried misery to anOW, OM....only to THEN be begging us back after DDAY.... What they told their AP WAS NOTHING like the truth of their actions TOWARD US after DDAY...no matter WHAT they told the AP..... What wracked our brains is how willing the AP was to believe the bs... LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS SAID...BSs are only one phone call away. NO ONE EVER calls..... Yep, and they won't either. A good majority are cowards! 5
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