How do you keep up the facade?

[seren]

After D Day, H and I discussed what next for us and our marriage. We looked at what needed to change, what needed to stay and what we needed to do if we were to have a future. We didn't for one moment fake anything, we didn't wash our dirty laundry in public, we chose to deal with us the best way we could. of course the A was devastating, for us both, for different reasons and also for the same reasons.

 

Once the knowledge that an A has happened was discussed, the why's and the what next conversations taken place, we had a plan for us to move forward. None of our conversation was about the OW or what place she had in our life, that was past. I had a public face, I had to, life goes on, it has to and I have never been a very good victim. TBH, once the decision to reconcile was made, we put all our energies and time into each other, of course there were crazy moments, but that was to be expected. However, there were also many times when we had never felt closer, when you realise how close you have been to losing someone you love, being given a second chance can reinforce the connection, love, like, lust and all that goes with it.

 

I hope you find peace Loredo, who knows why anyone does anything other than those doing it, everything else is guesswork. Reconciling is dammed hard and not for everyone, but each goes about it in the way that works for them.

[Spark1111]

Ladies, ladies, ladies......

 

I R knowing every horrible thing he had said about me FIRST. I reconciled knowing all their sex, acts, positions, meetings, texts, promises, etc.

 

I reconciled because he relentlessly pursued me, begged me crying to.

 

HE made changes in his life to regain my trust, to be a man I could maybe take a chance on trusting again, and that included transferring to an office 50 miles away from her and having his cell phone absorbed by the company so IF she continued contact, BOTH their jobs would be at risk.

 

HE gave me the passwords to all of his email and cell phone accounts. HE handed over all cell phone and bank statements after DDay.

 

HE went to IC and MC. HE could not keep his hands off me, and had I been slightly younger, baby number 4 might be here today.

 

What facade? What rug-sweeping? what pistol did I hold to his head to make him do all of this?

 

I had a suitcase packed and a divorce lawyer on speed dial for two years.

 

It must be so easy to blame the BS. The fOW in my sitch did. Two years after DDay I finally spoke to her and her voiced dripped with anger and contempt at me!

 

Did she think I had him chained in the basement?

 

Give me a break!

 

He is DOING EXACTLY what he wants to do to BE EXACTLY where he wants to be.

 

STOP finding out about him. It will only set you back to zero. Move on and stop blaming his pudgy faced. Wife. How shallow.

 

Place the blame of hurt squarely where it belongs....on his and your shoulders. Educate yourself as to why people have affairs. Find out your WHY.

[Spark1111]

You sound much like I was...my state of mind. It is tough feeling, you had a farce pulled on you. They lie. I have found that knowing that your senses are usually factual and true in reality, but in these cases it does not matter. I have looked at it as it is there story, there life, his and hers happiness or unhappiness. Their fake or real reconciliation. I used to wonder why...why when he mentioned he no longer felt any attraction toward her, and when I saw her I believed it, BUT he must feel something, he is staying and working on the marriage. I never had a place in their marriage and it helped me grow and know that not everything is about superficial things, looks, taste... I had to accept this and move on to better things and most importantly a BETTER man. I came to the healthy realization, and leave it as he loves her.

 

Great post! Now benefit yourself and find out WHY you were so susceptible to a MM complaining of his marriage. That may be the oldest line in the book.

 

Find out what andWHY you were vulnerable to it.

[ComingInHot]

Loredo wrote, "... start a new business, remodel your home, go on vacays, and try for another child? All of this makes me think they are investing more in "projects" than their actual marriage. From what I knew of him he is not remorseful of what he did. It seems like a hella lot of rug..."

 

Loredo, all of the projects you write of knowing are "couples" projects. Things they are doing together and most likely for the M.

 

Listen, there is a-lot, like A-LOT of CR*P you are dealing with and to top it off your body is coming off of your AD.

I think you need to speak w/your physician if you are noticing some uneveness in your emotional state. But geeeeez Loredo, please cut yourself some slack! And by that I mean don't continue to slueth your way into glimpses of MM's M'd Life. Concentrate on where You are heading. I HOPE you kept posting then check in from time to time because one day I Know you will be posting of crazy new and wonderful tins happening in your life!!

 

As far as MM & his W, I'd like to think the faking stopped when DDay hit and even tough they (for certain) have their ups & downs, they may be, for the first time in a long time, being honest w/each other.

No charade.

No lies.

Just, "real" & grateful for a second chance.

((Hugs)) Loredo, you are cared for!! More than you know*

[Lillyfree]

i'm sorry you're hurting loredo. i wish you could just jump a few months to that better place, that IS there waiting...

 

my husband and i have reconciled. and i can give you my take on the projects, vacations, everything that xMM and his W are doing at the moment.

 

in my case, i was the one pushing for all that. as i wanted us to create new memories. i wanted to start fresh. sure, in the beginning it was like going through the motions... and felt like it was a huge effort to do any of it. but the important thing is that the willingness was there. then after a while it just happened. we were better.

 

as much as it might hurt to read this, it is impossible to reconcile, or keep going through it if you're not willing, if there's nothing to fight for. loredo, you seem to be feeding the connection between you and him. in order to start moving forward you should sever that connection in your mind. because he might very well not be faking it. and even if he is for now, there is a big chance that he will rekindle the relationship with his wife. in any case, you are not a part of his life anymore. get yourself to a place where he's not a part of yours either...

[loredo21]

Loredo, I say this coming from the place of a fow.

 

Perhaps your struggle to deal with the aftermath is mostly related to how you see the ending of the affair. Maybe a majority of your feelings are wrapped up in your pain at being rejected. Some of us, don't have healthy reactions to rejection and it's wrapped around a prior event in your life that you still carry pain from? Being rejected and the resulting reaction can have little to do with feelings of love or care, it can be traumatic all by itself. Have you explored this with a therapist?

 

About them and the facade.....no way to know what is really going on, he may be all in or he may be a lying pos, no way to know. He isn't your problem, be thankful for that. The only thing that disturbs me when I read a story like that are those couples who have a baby before they are truly reconciled because to bring a child into that is most unfair to a child and they deserve absolutely every advantage that can be offered. Then again, what they are doing or not doing is no more any of your business just as it absolutely none of mine.

 

Spot on....The rejection does hurt the most because of things that happened to me in my past that will always subconsciously haunt me. But that's another story for another time and thread I guess...Don't want to T/J my own post.

[Furious]

False reconciliations do occur. That's an ugly reality.

 

But for those reconciliations that are sincere and the couple are making enormous effort in this difficult process have a good chance in rebuilding what was almost lost.

 

Reconciliation is lengthy and perhaps harder than getting a divorce in some ways.

 

Loredo, I hope that you find your center and concentrate on healing and moving forward with your life. This time should be devoted to reclaiming the little girl inside you and reconciling her with the woman you wish to be.

[Spark1111]

Spot on....The rejection does hurt the most because of things that happened to me in my past that will always subconsciously haunt me. But that's another story for another time and thread I guess...Don't want to T/J my own post.

 

Ahhh, then you are so close.....to recognizing that the pain of the affair ending was magnified by a past experience.

 

As a BS, I too learned the events earlier in life were triggered by my H's affair, and separating the two was tough to realize, and then to navigate through.

 

That 's progress! be damn proud of it.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Loredo!

 

I want to tell you that you will be okay. Your head might be full of this stuff and it might seem like it is going to consume you but if you take the right steps you will be fine.

 

In my situation my H and I decided on a D...probably too quickly...but nevertheless for what happened in our circumstances it was probably better to just embrace that HUGE FEAR of what happens after a decade long marriage ends. And its hard has HELL.

 

MM and his W? I could care less. I'm not stupid. I know its going to hard for them and I wish them well, but mostly I don't wish them anything because I don't think of them. They went on vacation too, blah blah. I'd do the same thing if I were them! The mind needs to relax.

 

I got myself up. Got healthy. Put on weight. Found a new job and am getting my professional license back. I reconnected with my friends (yes even the married ones). I see an IC once a month at most, but I don't feel like I need to anymore. I volunteer, I'm involved in school. I dance, I laugh. I play a vicious game of hide and seek/ haunted house with my boys before bed. I read books that I've wanted to read. I coparent. I still apologize to my H and we are in a good place. I sometimes miss him and wish he was here to hang out with but im in LC with him and NC with xMM.

 

Since January I get little hints that he might be wanting me to know that he still exists. I ignored all of the. I know he can do that and simulaneously lay it on THICK at home. This makes him pathetic in my eyes and makes me wish even more for his BW's happiness. She did some rotten and nutty things to me but it was all part of the CRAZYTIME.

 

I feel good. I also lost my business that I loved so much. It's fine. I got something so much better. I also can think back at the friendship and nice times I had with MM and smile about it. Yes, I get lonely sometimes and those memories are still stored in the 'love' area of my brain.

 

Put them behind you. They are not supernatural. They are two humans trying to find their way and in the end we all have to find our OWN ways. Even married people have to find happiness in themselves. Remember- she is way better than him. Don't focus on her or the M. Focus on the fact that he's just not that special. I still love my MM...but he's not the be all end all of the world.

 

No more looking at what they are doing. If you feel like talking, talk to your H. You are at a place where you have nothing to lose with him, you don't want to R. But he might still need to talk about what happened. And you can do so with total honesty bc you don't fear losing the marriage. Talk to him. He still knows you better than that clown. There's a friend there somewhere. When the pressure to R is gone you'd be surprised how refreshingly you can communicate and you never know........

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Loredo, don't stop posting. You are getting some very good advice and I'm not sure i can add much more other than I have done what you have done. Unfortunately I live in fairly close proximity of my xom too. I see his parents from time to time (they treat me like crap), I have many triggers around, even in my own home and it was understandable that it would take time to get past those.

 

However I tortured myself for far too long searching for answers, wanting to know what they were up to, looking for any clue. I would promise myself I wouldn't look again, but then something would happen and I would start up again. I told myself looking at online information wasn't really contact because it was there, in full public view, right? So anyone could see it?

 

But I was absolutely killing myself. It was doing me no good. First of all, I only had part of the story. Any of those social networking sites are only going to have what people want to have up and nothing more. It does not give a true picture of what is going on. My xom and his wife went on a couple of trips too. So did my husband and I. I think both of us as couples were trying desperately to see what we have to salvage if anything. Who knows in the end whether theirs will survive or if mine will survive?

 

This I know - no amount of knowledge that I glean from them helps me at all. It doesn't change the circumstances and I finally decided I was done hurting ME. I was hurting myself - he wasn't doing it anymore - I was and I had total control over it. Also I was giving up my power to them, whether they realized it or not and my energy was being drained. So now after months of TRUE nc - I feel so much better.

 

I know how it hurts - believe me. In my case it also appeared as if he got off Scott free and I was the one that took the heat - and I really did - but because of that he cant hardly show his face in his own hometown. Loredo, it will all work itself out. Just take care of yourself. Let him deal in his own mess. It might very well be a facade - who knows? It's so new right now and they have to give it a shot.

 

Be good to yourself. I know these feelings and they are sucky. Hugs!

Edited June 6, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Journee]

"How do you who have R keep up that facade? It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works..."

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure if my answer will suffice as I do not embrace that anything to do with my one and true life is a façade ,fake, phony, a lie.

 

I luckily didn't have to hide or fake anything. H either. We felt everything we had to and together at that. We felt every high and low.

 

Our daughter was a surprise and my pregnancy scared me to death. I didn't have any idea where life was taking us and at the time it seemed to be in separate directions. I can't speak for others but making a life with my husband is intense and amazing. It bonds us in an irreversible humbling way. Sharing moments with our children is wonderful. I wouldn't want to share those moments with anyone else on the planet and I know he feels that for me also. It's hard telling why the xMM and his wife are choosing to create life in the midst of things....but as my mother always says "Take hold of it and get through it". Maybe this A does not define them as individuals or as a couple. I know I am not putting that much gravity on it. I am, WE are so much more than the sum of our mistakes. When it comes down to it we chose one another. I don't care what it looks like to others. Honestly we have been through some worse and scarier times than this.

 

There are no guarantees in life. My M isn't fire proof but I we will stomp and smother the mess out of any flames that come near us.

 

 

Loredo, I have cheered for you through every post and thread. This A did not ruin your life...it changed it. You are defined by this A either and I hate to see you like this. You will pull through this momma , I promise. I cross my heart. Vent all you need to but let it be therapeutic and not thoughts that will hold you back and down.

 

You got this...and you will be alright

[whichwayisup]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD and it has dropped me into another mess. I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it. So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2! Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade? It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

 

Either he lied to you and made shi.t up about his wife and fed it to you on a spoon to keep you into him and on your toes - or he truly is a shi.t!

 

You don't know if what is going on between them is 'fake'. He is where he wants to be and she is where she wants to be so that says something.

 

You're hurt and trying to understand how someone could do this to you, but don't fool yourself into believing about his child. He DID lie to you about this. He just (again) told you what you wanted to hear to keep you into him and make you not want to leave him. Manipulative man.

 

Don't snoop anymore as it's doing more harm than good.

 

What happens in his life, marriage and with his wife now really isn't your business, it'll just hurt you more if you dig.

 

Take care of you L. Really be good to yourself and be around close friends who love and care about you, make you feel great. Try to detach more from the exMM.. He isn't worth anymore heartache or pain!

[waterwoman]

Loredo,you are NOT crap don't think like that.

 

No-one, apart from them, can know what is going on. Facade? Maybe but that doesn't mean that what is going on behind that isn't genuine in some way.

 

Leave it, my lovely x

[busdriver]

As a fWS, I can tell you that it is not easy to keep up the "facade" as you call it.

 

It's not a pretense that I want to save my M. When we went NC, I thought my OW would fight harder. But she did not. She did not want to compete with my W. This only made me respect her more. This is not going to make anyone happy, but my respect for my W suffered when she let me stay, just so she could preserve her position in her family.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love my W. But she has shown me that she needs me to feel secure in her place in life. My OW only ever needed ME from me. So far I can't forget this.

 

I truly want to preserve our M, for her sake. I want to make her happy, especially since I have hurt her.

[waterwoman]

As a fWS, I can tell you that it is not easy to keep up the "facade" as you call it.

 

It's not a pretense that I want to save my M. When we went NC, I thought my OW would fight harder. But she did not. She did not want to compete with my W. This only made me respect her more. This is not going to make anyone happy, but my respect for my W suffered when she let me stay, just so she could preserve her position in her family.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love my W. But she has shown me that she needs me to feel secure in her place in life. My OW only ever needed ME from me. So far I can't forget this.

 

I truly want to preserve our M, for her sake. I want to make her happy, especially since I have hurt her.

 

Does she not love you then busdriver? Was her desire to reconcile only for appearances? You are a better man (well you know what I mean:D ) than me - I couldn't reconcile, from either side, if my spouse didn't love me.

[Summer Breeze]

Loredo

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But you are never going to get the answers to what is going on between the MOM and his wife. Maybe their marriage and reconciliation is a facade, maybe it's not and the things he told you were the facade to feed the affair. Maybe he has realised that the marriage is really what he wants and he is doing all he can to make it work. Maybe his wife is demanding changes of him - she certainly has the right to demand changes if he wants to stay in the marriage.

 

You need to focus on what is going on in your life. What do you want? How can you get there? What help do you need to get there?

 

Finally and above all else. You are not crap. You screwed up big time (so did I) but that does not mean you deserve hell and damnation.

 

I wish I could like this post a million times!

[Confused48]

 

I doubt they are going on la di da. But they are obviously putting things in place to move on in their marriage, or attempt to move on.

 

Fake?! We don't know for sure. Fake it til you make it?! Maybe. Whatever, it is what it is.

 

 

I agree with the OP that wanting to know what is going on is a natural urge. But what can you find out? As secret lady points out not much. My WS and I naturally prefer that no one knows about the A. We are trying recon. But behind closed doors our lives are very much changed. There is no la di da.

[jnel921]

Sorry to break this to you but the only facade was the relationship he had with you. You best believe his M is real and he is with his W and family making sure he is keeping it together.

 

He had to tell you things to convince you to allow him to use you the way he did. That is how cheating spouses work. I can tell you the OW in my situation didnt get the truth from my H, nor did I provide her with any. So she was always in the dark because she has nothing to do with our M.

 

She screwed my H. That's about it. He didn't share a life with her, or went on vacations, saved money, set goals, raised children, bought property, shared bills, etc,etc. This he all did with his true life partner me!!! He never wanted her and was remorseful and we went through our stuff and are reconciled and are keeping on like we always have.

 

That is not a facade. It is real life.

 

You should get IC to deal with your feelings and find someone whom you don't need to share and will openly tell the world that he loves you and only you.

[dreamingoftigers]

As a fWS, I can tell you that it is not easy to keep up the "facade" as you call it.

 

It's not a pretense that I want to save my M. When we went NC, I thought my OW would fight harder. But she did not. She did not want to compete with my W. This only made me respect her more. This is not going to make anyone happy, but my respect for my W suffered when she let me stay, just so she could preserve her position in her family.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love my W. But she has shown me that she needs me to feel secure in her place in life. My OW only ever needed ME from me. So far I can't forget this.

 

I truly want to preserve our M, for her sake. I want to make her happy, especially since I have hurt her.

 

This is such bullsh*t crap.

 

Own your guilt. This is you passing your power off to your wife for your unhappiness.

 

God, my husband tried to pull this too, the martyr act. The only one you are doing a favor for is yourself because you can be a "hero" for your wife and a "victim" to yourself. And "spare" your OW which really means not have to disrupt your own life.

 

It's too damned inconvenient and now that your OW is gone, you need wife to fall back on.

 

My own husband tried that weepy sh*t too. Guess where it got him, out the door. Then he went away for a bit, discovered he wasn't 16 and clamoured to come back home. Then he had to show that he was the real deal.

 

Fu*k that. You know damned well your wife wouldn't stay with your sorry ass if she knew how undedicated you actually were to her. Still holding a candle for OW reminiscing about the "glory days." You need to lose your W.

[Spark1111]

As a fWS, I can tell you that it is not easy to keep up the "facade" as you call it.

 

It's not a pretense that I want to save my M. When we went NC, I thought my OW would fight harder. But she did not. She did not want to compete with my W. This only made me respect her more. This is not going to make anyone happy, but my respect for my W suffered when she let me stay, just so she could preserve her position in her family.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love my W. But she has shown me that she needs me to feel secure in her place in life. My OW only ever needed ME from me. So far I can't forget this.

 

I truly want to preserve our M, for her sake. I want to make her happy, especially since I have hurt her.

 

Interesting....My H perceived only I fought for him, for us, and that his OW did not. She tucked tail and bowed out.

 

Your OW was competing with your spouse all throughout the affair. Perhaps it was easier to let you go than to face confrontation, don't you think?

 

No matter how altruistically she may have spun it.

[findingnemo]

As a fWS, I can tell you that it is not easy to keep up the "facade" as you call it.

 

It's not a pretense that I want to save my M. When we went NC, I thought my OW would fight harder. But she did not. She did not want to compete with my W. This only made me respect her more. This is not going to make anyone happy, but my respect for my W suffered when she let me stay, just so she could preserve her position in her family.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love my W. But she has shown me that she needs me to feel secure in her place in life. My OW only ever needed ME from me. So far I can't forget this.

 

I truly want to preserve our M, for her sake. I want to make her happy, especially since I have hurt her.

 

I can swear I've heard something like this before. I didn't understand it though. Are you saying that while you decided to R, you are not entirely sure it is for the right reasons on both your parts?

 

XMM also said something similar to me. Something about the W wanting to maintain the M at all costs because of what others would think. Frankly, I understood that kind of reasoning after I got M. It isn't easy to differentiate loving one's spouse and loving one's family. Our Rs (xH and I) were brutal. I wouldn't talk to him for weeks and yet insisted on staying M. Love? I wasn't feeling any but I'd be damned if I showed outsiders what was going on. A facade? Yes, in a way we were keeping up appearances. And yet, that's what it took to start and maintain the R process to the point where we could be comfortable together.

[dreamingoftigers]

same here...

 

i stil remember the shocked look on his face when i told him that ,if he was willing to work things out, i would give it one more chance...

 

he was so surprised that, after everything that had happened, i could still love him and consider him worth fitting for

 

Mine too, especially after having to put him out and him just falling apart.

 

And us having to fight for our daughter.

[loredo21]

wow. thanks everybody!

[dreamingoftigers]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD

 

That will ALWAYS cause a dive until your brain adjusts Month or so, six tops. If you are eating well (esp green vegs) and exercising. You are going to dip for weird reasons too.

 

and it has dropped me into another mess. I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it. So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2! Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade?

 

Facade? You haven't been in touch to know how they are doing. Not that I suggest it.

 

But we ALL wear a facade day to day. It's part of what keeps the social wheels turning. Although there is an occasional crack in the veneer, most of us don't exude our insecurities and demises day to day.

 

Have you gone to the store and been asked "How are you today?" Have you looked at the cashier and said, "just fu*king terrible. My affair partner is just having this peachy little life and I just got off of my AD." No. Not likely.

 

I am not even trying to be sarcastic here. I will be completely honest, at the height of isolation If someone asks "how's your day?" I have answered, "actually, I'm kind of down today" but then I follow up so as not to break ALL of the social conventions, "but, it'll be okay."

 

Most people don't share their downcast eyes with anyone but close friends or family. If there even is such cause. I mean, Weeds & Posies welcomed her husband's "sexting" because it relieved some of her guilt. Ugh who knows.

 

It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

 

Honestly, I went through multiple D-days. I did. It was like getting kicked in the head repeatedly kicked not having a chance to recover. And yes, my car got tarnished. There's still his "casual-encounter-laptops-that-were-previously-hidden floating around the house because we can't afford to replace them. I recently chucked a bed I had suspicions about. It all just sat here, like garbage.

 

D-day one was brutal, shattering. Wanting to just scream and yell and kick him to the curb. But he wouldn't let me scream and yell. He wouldn't let me say anything I needed to say. But we did go to MC, even though I was adamant to leave. Then I felt the tables turn on me. It was presented as though I had this responsibility to my daughter to try to save her family unit. "After all my husband was remorseful and forthcoming about it, was he not? A child on the way and not a single other support across the country from home? What a terrible idea." Okay. Fine. We'll try.

 

D-day two was worse. It let me know that this wasn't an oops and a lesson. This was part of this man's identity. I got cold and hard inside until I broke down. Completely. My mood plummeted and I scraped through feeling trapped and moving across the country with a 2.5 month old and a cheating husband. And a wicked uterine infection I was still fighting the after-effects of after three days of labour to delivery my daughter. Didn't have the energy, just fell apart. He took off on me for two days. My anxiety hit the roof. I didn't know if he'd killed himself. If he was even going to have anything to do with his child. We were three days from moving. Not to mention I had just caught my own father in an affair not three weeks before.

 

The move happened. D-Day three I don't even remember off of the top of my head. I just remember that I hadn't recovered from D-day two. And the kicks kept coming. There were at least half of a dozen. I just tried to built my business and raise my daughter and pray because I was too paralyzed inside to do much else. It took me over a year to get over the shock. Nothing made sense. It felt like the whole world was just fu*king and somehow I was the only one not part of this grand club of women my husband would like to fu*k.

 

The shock returned when he started taking off randomly. Sometimes overnight. Sometimes for a day. Sometimes up to a week or so. Just keep going. Just keep holding yourself together and go from there. All with an infant. I didn't even get to enjoy her anywhere near what I should have. I can't even think of my pregnancy without feeling traumatized.

 

I was in so much shock and emotional paralysis for so long that, yeah, I wasn't going to drag everyone in their dog into it. I ended up telling people anyhow. He hated that oh boy. But the D-days kept coming.

 

Until one day I had enough and locked him out. Impulsively even. It ws almost like, "you know, I've been getting kicked in the head and stunned for a long time now. I have barely slept since before my daughter was born and I work A LOT and try to dull the pain. What if I lock the source of it out? What if I kick him out? And I did. He told me that I would be fu*ked and lose the business without him. I didn't. And that I spiraled down emotionally and bottomed. I screamed and cried into pillows. I had my daughter whom I didn't want to see looking at me breaking down. Then I got back up and got happier. I went on hikes. I spent a lot of time alone. And it was quiet but peaceful. I hated him for what he did to me, us, our daughter.

 

All the while, the last thing I needed to do was look batsh*t nuts to my clients, employees day to day contacts. I wasn't about to prostrate myself before the 7-11 clerk.

 

No one would've understood anyhow. They say, why are you staying? You should leave. I would've left. I would've XYZ.

 

You always think you'll XYZ or that you'll look a certain way to people.

 

Rarely are we right. I don't think most adults truly know how they would react to an affair. Especially at 8 months pregnant. Or with a 3 month old and not one support in the world. That's how I ended up here.

 

In the two years and nine months before my husband finally bottomed, I lost everything eventually from the stress and anxiety of trying to hold it all together. I got him treatment. I went to the mattresses believing that I must do all that I can to save the family unit and then I can rest. I still haven't rested, by I breathe easier.

 

You have NO IDEA what's going on there. The last thing I wanted or needed was in-person unsolicited opinions on where to go with this situation or who to deal with it. Especially from people of whom the VAST VAST majority would never deal with anything like it. One week when my husband was in treatment, my daughter went for childcare because I got so sick that I hurled in my bed and couldn't push myself up out of it to clean it up.

 

I think maybe 1 in 2000 people could comprehend the depths I plunged to during that time. All I had left was a stupid "facade." And even that disappeared when he went and snagged the cash in the business account that he still had the authority to sign off on. Leaving me with $100, a dog and a car a few days before rent was due. And not a damn legal thing I could do about it. So instead of getting evicted and dealing with that pit of Hell, I did what I did when I was younger. I went to a town a few hours away and panhandled in heavy traffic. With a cardboard sign. No kidding. No one in my city would know it unless they saw me. It was worth the risk. I paid my rent. I kept a roof over mine and my daughter's head. So you never, ever know. You have no idea the whose and whats.

 

YOU HAVE NO CLUE> and you also have no clue as to what you might have enabled or participated in. I know my husband well enough to know that he would come across as friendly, charming and the biggest victim to the biggest bitch wife. He was practically OW flypaper. But that wasn't all he was by far. And I'm sure that very few of OW had a clue. I had no clue what he was doing prior to the first Dday. Frankly, there were no signs.

 

And really, I'm sure that MM has begged for silence on the matter and "please don't embarrass me in front of everyone." He might even have put the "second baby" rumor out there. In fact, after Dday one my husband started proclaiming the want for more children. Thank goodness it didn't happen back then.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting over your MM and his life running smooth. Sometimes things look remarkably smooth and have the deepest disturbances underneath the surface.

[So happy together]

Loredo,

 

I was just now reading a post with replies from several other BS's who said they check out their WS as well as the AP's social media pages etc.

 

You'll let it go when you're ready. Just be grateful you aren't living with someone you will never fully trust again.

 

Have a good one, chin up.

Edited June 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed poke