How do you keep up the facade?

[loredo21]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD and it has dropped me into another mess. I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it. So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2! Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade? It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

[anne1707]

Loredo

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But you are never going to get the answers to what is going on between the MOM and his wife. Maybe their marriage and reconciliation is a facade, maybe it's not and the things he told you were the facade to feed the affair. Maybe he has realised that the marriage is really what he wants and he is doing all he can to make it work. Maybe his wife is demanding changes of him - she certainly has the right to demand changes if he wants to stay in the marriage.

 

You need to focus on what is going on in your life. What do you want? How can you get there? What help do you need to get there?

 

Finally and above all else. You are not crap. You screwed up big time (so did I) but that does not mean you deserve hell and damnation.

[secretlady76]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD and it has dropped me into another mess. I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it. So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2! Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade? It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

 

So after finding all this stuff out, how did you feel? Worse right? So what was the point? Why did you feel the need to snoop?

 

The A did not ruin your life. You are still alive right? You can choose for it to ruin your life or you can choose to take what you can from it and move on to a place that is healthier than where you are now. You can only do that if you stop snooping and let it go. You need to let it go and be free.

 

Another baby, moving house, holidays etc. This is so common after people have A's. It's all a way of brushing the problems under the carpet by focusing on something else instead of the issues at hand. Normal practice.

 

I doubt they are going on la di da. But they are obviously putting things in place to move on in their marriage, or attempt to move on.

 

Fake?! We don't know for sure. Fake it til you make it?! Maybe. Whatever, it is what it is.

 

So what are YOU going to do. Stop thinking about him and her and a relationship that no longer exists. Start thinking about YOU and YOUR future. YOU make it what it is. Do something about that, because, after all you have control over it. You have no control over them, so don't let them control YOU.

[underwater2010]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD and it has dropped me into another mess.

 

I am glad you are doing a little better.

 

I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it.

 

That is part of the problem that most people don't think of while having an affair. The repercussions can be endless.

 

So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2!

 

What him and his wife are doing now is none of your business. It could be that she demanded he work from home, finances could have a lot to do with the change of work environment and/or he could be doing it to keep his marriage. You cannot be sour that they are working on their marriage. And in the long run it may not even work. But again none of that is your business.

 

Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade?

 

The façade has more to do with his actions during the affair and not his actions after. That is hoping that he truly wants to stay married and not pulling the wool over her eyes.

 

It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore.

 

It is exhausting at times. It is a lot of hard work as I told you in previous threads when you tried to work on your marriage after the affair was discovered. It is not for everyone and not for the faint of heart.

 

This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da?

 

You might think that things are going on for them as though the affair never happened, but you would be surprised what is going on behind closed doors. Remember that they have a kid and that any parent worth the weight in gold will do anything to spare them the pain of the affair.

 

I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in.

 

And yet you chose to "fall in love" with a man that could talk about his wife and child that way. Does she know that you screwed him in the car? I would have torched it myself.

 

I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that.

 

You will work through it, as we all do. Hopefully you will feel better about yourself in the near future. HUGS

 

Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

 

That is your way of defending everything that went on. You bought into his lies. Just because it doesn't involved you and your marriage went south, does not mean that there marriage is not "fake". At least I hope not for his kid and BW's sake.

[Artie Lang]

whether it's a facade or not, they're still together. you need to move on..... stop dwelling on it.

 

i think your anger stems from the fact that your world blew up, while they seem to be on the road to reconciliation. i'm sure he bashed his wife and marriage to you, but this is what cheaters do..... they magnify their problems in order to justify their affair.

 

 

idk, but it seems like you're obsessed with this. you're obsessed with bringing hell and brimstone to his doorstep..... doesn't look like that's happening any time soon. get over it.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

[sweet_pea]

It may not be a facade at all, or, it just may be. That's something that neither you nor I will ever know. We don't know what goes on in their marriage. Maybe he fed you those lines because it was an affair and they were lies, maybe those were his honest thoughts. Maybe it took the affair for him to realize what he wanted and where he wanted to be. I wouldn't be so quick to call it "fakeness" only because no one knows except for the two in that relationship. On a side note, how do you feel knowing this? Why do you care what they are up to? (and that question is not meant to sound snarky)...

[loredo21]

I know all of this. Most of these answers aren't even on topic. Though I do from the bottom of my heart appreciate the advice. I just want to know what is going on in the minds of R couples. How do you manage to keep face and keep up with all of the emotions? And on top of all of that start a new business, remodel your home, go on vacays, and try for another child? All of this makes me think they are investing more in "projects" than their actual marriage. From what I knew of him he is not remorseful of what he did. It seems like a hella lot of rug sweeping. I know I know, none of my business. I am just reeling today. I am angry with him. I am angry that I wasted any time with him, that I ruined everything in my life for him. Though I can now view my take on the A was an exit. AND EWWWW, I never fell in love with him. Never loved him. Still don't. None of this has anything to do with me wanting him or wanting to be with him. There is nothing about him that is appealing to me. I highly doubt she knows about the car incident, as I was the only one forthcoming with information to her (she told me this) and I never told her that. Although now I wish I could. I'm not angry with her. I understand she is only doing what she has to do. There is nothing wrong with her trying to save her M. I tried it too. I am just curious of the thought process of a BS who is R and acting like everything is hunky dory.

[loredo21]

I truly was getting over it. I hadn't even looked at any of his crap for months. I know this all sets me back to start. You are all right I need to get over it and stay over it.

[loredo21]

Ha. I am NOT stalking them. We live like 2 minutes away from eachother, have mutual friends and I seriously see him every other day driving or around town. None of it intentional. All the investigating online, yes was mild stalking. I have had a couple of drunken slip ups but have been very respectful of NC. I don't want anything to do with him. I was looking for answers on the business (which i used to work for) and got a whole lot more than I bargained for. I should have never looked. I DO feel worse.

[loredo21]

Who knows. My exMM life is the same way. It does not matter that his wife is pudgy, unattractive, and has zero fashion sense, bordering on tacky, he, exMM must love it and find it becoming. He mentioned how unhappy he was although he likes all the mothering, food cooked, clothes done, kids kept after, makes his life easy. Why it works for them is not my business. I hope there comes a time in which none of their affairs matter to you and you find a better man.

 

whoa. I could have written this. word for word.

[HopingAgain]

Yes, it is insulting for you to come here and ask BSs how we are keeping up "facades". You are insinuating that because your heart wasn't in your reconciliation, that ours or our WSs aren't either.

 

I agree with those who said to focus on YOUR life now. Obsessing over MM and his wife is just going to keep your head spinning. If you truly loved him at some point, you would hope him and his wife could move on happily and want the same for yourself. You are being selfish and secretly hoping for and wanting him/them to fail.

[Artie Lang]

^she went out of her way to investigate him- that's TROUBLING.

 

furthermore, it wasn't very nice of you to make your ex-MM's sound unappealing, as we don't know what you look like to make a comparison.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

[underwater2010]

I know all of this. Most of these answers aren't even on topic. Though I do from the bottom of my heart appreciate the advice

 

All of my answer were right on topic with your post. With some advice thrown in. So lets try it again.

 

I just want to know what is going on in the minds of R couples.

 

How do you manage to keep face and keep up with all of the emotions?

 

My FWH and I do it because we truly love each other and are best friends. We are also raising three kids of varying ages who DO NOT need to know about adult topics. I cry when the older ones are not home or after everyone is asleep after I come home from work. We talk after the kids are asleep or when they are out of the home. We also do what it takes to keep a roof over their heads.

 

And on top of all of that start a new business, remodel your home, go on vacays, and try for another child?

 

I got pregnant as the affair was in full swing. But it stopped him from going any further than sexting/emails. Since Dday he has lost his former job and started a new one. Quite simply LIFE GOES ON.

 

The only thing that I can think of is they are rebuilding. Maybe even hiding the emotions by staying busy with everything else.

 

All of this makes me think they are investing more in "projects" than their actual marriage. From what I knew of him he is not remorseful of what he did.

 

But the problem is you can never say that you truly knew him. I am sure he lied to you just as much as he lied to her. And you cannot believe what a wake up call losing your marriage and kids can be, even for the most pigheaded people.

 

It seems like a hella lot of rug sweeping.

 

It could be. Or they could be spending all this time post A really talking about and figuring out what they want for the future. You simply will never know.

 

I know I know, none of my business.

 

You are getting it. It is not going to help you in the long run. Right now you need to focus on YOU.

 

I am just reeling today. I am angry with him. I am angry that I wasted any time with him, that I ruined everything in my life for him. Though I can now view my take on the A was an exit. AND EWWWW, I never fell in love with him. Never loved him. Still don't. None of this has anything to do with me wanting him or wanting to be with him. There is nothing about him that is appealing to me.

 

I am sorry that you lost everything because your exMM meant so little. I must have misunderstood your previous posts and why you would risk a marriage that you wanted to work on just to see/talk with him again. But I do think this is a lot of your anger talking...which you absolutely have a right to.

 

I highly doubt she knows about the car incident, as I was the only one forthcoming with information to her (she told me this) and I never told her that. Although now I wish I could. I'm not angry with her. I understand she is only doing what she has to do. There is nothing wrong with her trying to save her M. I tried it too. I am just curious of the thought process of a BS who is R and acting like everything is hunky dory.

 

All you are seeing is what is going on for the public view. Would it have been better if she had burnt up all his crap and outted both of you to everyone? Right now I think you should just be grateful that you are walking away limping but in one piece.

 

True reconciliation is ugly to start. Rage/Tears/Desperation/Hope. Believe me when I say that she in not honky dory and neither is their household. You are only seeing a small part of what is going on in their life.

[loredo21]

Yes, it is insulting for you to come here and ask BSs how we are keeping up "facades". You are insinuating that because your heart wasn't in your reconciliation, that ours or our WSs aren't either.

 

I agree with those who said to focus on YOUR life now. Obsessing over MM and his wife is just going to keep your head spinning. If you truly loved him at some point, you would hope him and his wife could move on happily and want the same for yourself. You are being selfish and secretly hoping for and wanting him/them to fail.

 

I was simply stating my situation. I wasn't insinuating anything. Trying to portray a life that seems perfect when you KNOW that there was an A IS a facade. That isn't an insult to anyone on here trying to R. It is stating a fact. You have to put on a happy face for everyone else when inside you are dying. I don't want him to fail. as angry as I am with him. I looked at the profile to find out if our A somehow made him have to close his business. I felt awful that I could have played a role in that. If I wanted him to fail I would have been all "haha sucka!" but I wasn't.

Still no one has answered my question. Everyone wants to go off topic but I find it odd that no BS wants to answer my question specifically.

[loredo21]

^she went out of her way to investigate him- that's TROUBLING.

 

furthermore, it wasn't very nice of you to make your ex-MM's sound unappealing, as we don't know what you look like to make a comparison.

 

Jesus Christ! looking at someone's Linked In and Instagram that are all PUBLIC is something everyone has done a time or two. So I guess we are all troubled.

[underwater2010]

I have answered it twice!!!

[loredo21]

I know all of this. Most of these answers aren't even on topic. Though I do from the bottom of my heart appreciate the advice

 

All of my answer were right on topic with your post. With some advice thrown in. So lets try it again.

 

I just want to know what is going on in the minds of R couples.

 

How do you manage to keep face and keep up with all of the emotions?

 

My FWH and I do it because we truly love each other and are best friends. We are also raising three kids of varying ages who DO NOT need to know about adult topics. I cry when the older ones are not home or after everyone is asleep after I come home from work. We talk after the kids are asleep or when they are out of the home. We also do what it takes to keep a roof over their heads.

 

And on top of all of that start a new business, remodel your home, go on vacays, and try for another child?

 

I got pregnant as the affair was in full swing. But it stopped him from going any further than sexting/emails. Since Dday he has lost his former job and started a new one. Quite simply LIFE GOES ON.

 

The only thing that I can think of is they are rebuilding. Maybe even hiding the emotions by staying busy with everything else.

 

All of this makes me think they are investing more in "projects" than their actual marriage. From what I knew of him he is not remorseful of what he did.

 

But the problem is you can never say that you truly knew him. I am sure he lied to you just as much as he lied to her. And you cannot believe what a wake up call losing your marriage and kids can be, even for the most pigheaded people.

 

It seems like a hella lot of rug sweeping.

 

It could be. Or they could be spending all this time post A really talking about and figuring out what they want for the future. You simply will never know.

 

I know I know, none of my business.

 

You are getting it. It is not going to help you in the long run. Right now you need to focus on YOU.

 

I am just reeling today. I am angry with him. I am angry that I wasted any time with him, that I ruined everything in my life for him. Though I can now view my take on the A was an exit. AND EWWWW, I never fell in love with him. Never loved him. Still don't. None of this has anything to do with me wanting him or wanting to be with him. There is nothing about him that is appealing to me.

 

I am sorry that you lost everything because your exMM meant so little. I must have misunderstood your previous posts and why you would risk a marriage that you wanted to work on just to see/talk with him again. But I do think this is a lot of your anger talking...which you absolutely have a right to.

 

I highly doubt she knows about the car incident, as I was the only one forthcoming with information to her (she told me this) and I never told her that. Although now I wish I could. I'm not angry with her. I understand she is only doing what she has to do. There is nothing wrong with her trying to save her M. I tried it too. I am just curious of the thought process of a BS who is R and acting like everything is hunky dory.

 

All you are seeing is what is going on for the public view. Would it have been better if she had burnt up all his crap and outted both of you to everyone? Right now I think you should just be grateful that you are walking away limping but in one piece.

 

True reconciliation is ugly to start. Rage/Tears/Desperation/Hope. Believe me when I say that she in not honky dory and neither is their household. You are only seeing a small part of what is going on in their life.

 

You're right you did UW. Thank you for your answers, advice, and honesty.

[Bryanp]

Any chance of reconnecting with your husband?

[underwater2010]

You're right you did UW. Thank you for your answers, advice, and honesty.

I am just glad to hear that you are doing a little bit better. I know this has been a rough road for you.

[loredo21]

I guess my OP did sound stalkerish when I said I frequently drive past his business. It should have stated that i HAVE to drive past his business. My daughter's school is right by it and so is the main strip of shopping/food...

[loredo21]

Any chance of reconnecting with your husband?

 

nope......

[HopingAgain]

I was simply stating my situation. I wasn't insinuating anything. Trying to portray a life that seems perfect when you KNOW that there was an A IS a facade. That isn't an insult to anyone on here trying to R. It is stating a fact. You have to put on a happy face for everyone else when inside you are dying. I don't want him to fail. as angry as I am with him. I looked at the profile to find out if our A somehow made him have to close his business. I felt awful that I could have played a role in that. If I wanted him to fail I would have been all "haha sucka!" but I wasn't.

Still no one has answered my question. Everyone wants to go off topic but I find it odd that no BS wants to answer my question specifically.

 

Why do you think that they are trying to portray perfection just judging from the few actions you have heard they are taking? It very well may be that they have faced reality that they've almost lost their marriage, and now doing things they've always wanted to as a means to heal. If you wanted people here to tell you they are no doubt hurting still, I'm sure that is true. But I don't think anyone will tell you its a facade, as noone here could possibly know, and even if so that wouldn't help you anyway.

[underwater2010]

I guess my OP did sound stalkerish when I said I frequently drive past his business. It should have stated that i HAVE to drive past his business. My daughter's school is right by it and so is the main strip of shopping/food...

I figured that was exactly what you meant. Of course the business being moved does cause one to dig for some answers. You did what all normal humans do.

 

I will even admit, as a BS, that I have looked his MOW up online numerous times. I also randomly check my FWH's stuff. It is normal when we reach this point in a relationship. Now that I am almost a year out it does not trigger my anger or sadness.

 

You will be okay. Just try to concentrate on yourself a little more!!!

[krazikat]

i didn't want to post on LS anymore. But I am having a rough week. I got off my AD and it has dropped me into another mess. I continued to run into my exMOM and frequently drive past his business and I recently saw that the sign was gone. I had to do a little investigating. I know it is none of my business but I know the A had something to do with him closing it. So after using my "detective skills" I found out so much ****. More than I cared to find out but that's what I get I guess. ex MOM is now in real estate (wtf?) and changed the name of his business and is doing it from home now (I can only assume to not have wifey wondering where he is all the time)..not only that but they are remodeling their house, going on vacay, AND trying for #2! Yippeeee! I just don't get it. How do you who have R keep up that facade? It must be exhausting. That's not a dig, i just know how exhausting my R was and I chose not to do it anymore. This A ruined my whole life...how are they just going on la di da? I KNOW all the bad stuff he said about her, I know what a pig he is who said he didn't even want the kid he has. I see her car in the driveway, the same car he screwed me in. I know I am crap and deserve everything I have had come to me. I get that. Sorry for the rant, I just need to know how that "fakeness" works...

 

STOP Stop STOP talking about yourself like that!

 

I can only speak for my own situation, but the r is not fake for me or my Fwh...and I actually think much of what Pierre says about love in the A bubble to be a true feeling...and so your fmom said crap things about his wife...but the reality is you don't know their reality, not anyone else but him, knows if he was feeding you to keep you...

 

Move on, Loredo! And I say this gently because you deserve better, you do, but you have to find that happiness in yourself, and thinking about this dark time in your life will not help you do that. His r with his wife is their business...if he is being fake then he will get his in the end.

 

But find YOUR HAPPINESS.....

[krazikat]

I guess my OP did sound stalkerish when I said I frequently drive past his business. It should have stated that i HAVE to drive past his business. My daughter's school is right by it and so is the main strip of shopping/food...

 

Lol I was worried about you girl.