The truth about wanting out and the sad reality.

[Hope4MeYet]

I'm 38 years old, a mother of two boys (8 & 5) and I've been married for 10 years. I haven't been happy in the marriage since my first born was 2 years old. But you rough it out and you think it's just stress, being new parents etc. Then a few more years go by and you think, my feelings will change, it will get better.

 

My husband was my best friend (and still is), but we are a case of two people who got married young, adored each other as friends will, but one of us (me) didn't LOVE the way you should a spouse. Over the years this began to take it's toll on me and I pushed away from him. I had reasons for pushing away too, he had jealous tendencies that never sat well with me. Along with that I began to sort of come into my own with embracing things I wanted to do (music, writing) and sadly, was selfish with that and kept him at a safe distance from those things. Meanwhile, the push away continued and he didn't understand, and he was reluctant to fight for it (passive personality). The wedge grew and we became two different people.

 

We tried to save it. Let's have another child, maybe that will bring the feelings back? For a moment, it did but I continued to feel disconnected from him. Resentment followed as most of the financial responsibilities fell to me.

 

We talked about separation, then never did it because of the kids. I isolated myself more, he kept his distance. Two roommates living in a house together, raising kids. That's what it felt like. We went on like this for years. Intimacy fell away. Emotional attachment went away. How did two best friends lose their way?

 

Then at the end of 2012 everything came to a head and I finally said I couldn't do this anymore. The love between us was virtually gone and I was the one who said she wanted out. In the beginning of 2013 we considered ourselves separated. The first 4 months were incredibly tense as we fought about what to do with the house. He wouldn't leave (I didn't necessarily want him too) and it created a lot of strain at home. We refocused on our boys.

 

Life has a funny way of showing you how you've been to others. In these past couple of months I've been understanding more and more how my pushing away has hurt us and how I have come off as cold. Two weeks ago there was an incident that brought me to my lowest low. A friend of mine was a complete arse to me and said some hurtful stuff and this experience suddenly scared me for the prospect of being alone. I had what I've called a mini nervous breakdown and cried for hours (I hadn't cried at all before then). Everything came out and I realized exactly what I was losing in my husband and how the damage is done. It's hard to be hit with that, but I am grateful that I was. It made me push aside my pride and tell him exactly how I feel about him. For those of you considering getting out of a marriage, I would tell you this . . . let that person know how much they mean to you. I told him how blessed I was to have him as a husband, how the kids are blessed to have him as a father and that is a GOOD MAN! After many tears and ache in our hearts, we have agreed to still go forward with the divorce. He has said that he just can't take the chance anymore that our relationship would suffer again in the future.

 

So there you have it. You start that ball rolling and it may just roll so far out in front of you that you can't catch it again. And so . . . today I am officially filing for divorce from my best friend. And I hope that I'll be okay.

 

Thanks for listening,

Hope4MeYet

[Appleness]

Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away than to stay out of comfort and security. It seems that you are not going about this rashfully and have considered all the pros and cons to the situation before taking action. That being said, regardless of what anyone says, only YOU know what is the best thing for you as long as you also keep in mind that you owe your children to also have their best interest in mind.

 

Things really do happen for a reason. I hope everything works out for you and that you get some peace of mind. It sounds like things have been really stressful for quite some time. Try to see in you can just find someone you trust to talk to throughout the ordeal. Bottling it up is what leads to break downs.

 

Good luck.

[WreckedDan]

I just wanted to say thank you, on behaf of your husband. A great number of us on LS will end up living thier entire lives wondering and wishing our mates had been honest and courageos enough to show us the respect you have shown your husband by talking honestly about the breakdown of the marriage.

 

Thanks,

Dan

[imtooconfused]

Hope4MeYet, thank you for your story. I did need to read this today. I could have written the beginning of your story, but I am still writing the end of this chapter in my life. In my situation, though, the breakdown that I had was not from losing a friend, but rather coming to the realization that I could not count on my partner to be the friend that will be there for me to the end. This began a process of drawing farther and farther apart, mutually. As it stands now, even though we are reasonably civil, I find it difficult to identify any interactions that could be called friendly, let alone loving. If we do come to the point of divorce, it will not be my best friend I am leaving, only the person that I had hoped would be that friend.

 

Again, I know it was difficult for you to share, but I am thankful you did.

[Hope4MeYet]

Thank you all for listening to my story. It has been emotional and sometimes you have to come to your brink like that to really SEE things. He and I will hopefully be better for it.

 

 

Thanks,

Hope4MeYet

[jf2good]

I am glad you realized now what caused the issue and sorry it seems to late to fix. Many of us have been in similar marriage relationships, that is why there are so many sad divorce stories here. Don't you wish you could go back in time and smack your younger self and say Wake Up before it is too late. Unfortunately we don't have time machines.

 

I can understand your husband not wanting to take a chance any more. My wife has done a 180 recently after filling for divorce. I can't trust that she won't go back to her old verbally abusive and controlling ways and I know I won't stop cheating after I started. I am 100% confident that even though my wife has changed, it won't stick, it might be better for a while but old habits are hard to break. I know if I am feeling lonely and unloved or hurt within the marriage I am going to try to find that love elsewhere.

 

I have seen this pattern whereby many women thing that being a good mommy, having kids, taking care of the house and the like means they are a good wife, when they fail to provide the time and effort and intimacy to maintain a healthy relationship. Men are often berated for being unemotional, while women are very emotional. It doesn't matter if you have too little or too many if the emotions are wrong. You can't push your spouse away for your job, family or any other reason and expect the marriage to work.

 

Best of luck to the both of you.

[FreeSpiritLady]

What a wonderful post. I really needed to read this today, so thank you for posting and sharing your story. I am in a very similar situation. Until the ending of your post, I swore you were going to say exactly how I felt.... I want to now remind my husband today how much he means to me. How wonderful of a man I think he is, and that he truly is my best friend. When two people grow apart, but still love each other, it makes divorce very difficult and someone people just don't understand, so I'm glad to see some do.

 

"It doesn't matter if he's the best person, if you aren't the best you can be with him."

 

Someone told me that a few days ago and it really helped, bc I have continuously talked myself out of leaving because my husband really is an amazing person. He's a wonderful husband and father, but the unhappiness in our marriage dramatically outweighs the good, and I just feel like life is way too short, and that we'll both be happier, separately.

 

Again, thanks for sharing. Good luck with everything.

[73Fras]

Wow can I related.. I am divorcing my best friend as well. We will have been married 22 years this September and I grew up with him and his family and we have known each other for 31 years. A few times we have stated that we are a rare breed, two people who love each other dearly who are divorcing.. We made great parents, great roommates and business partners in this game called life, but were never lovers in the storybook way.

 

I decided today that my 21+ year marriage wasn't a failure, in fact it was quite successful and I am just retiring from it and starting on my next phase in my relationship life.

[imtooconfused]

Wow can I related.. I am divorcing my best friend as well. We will have been married 22 years this September and I grew up with him and his family and we have known each other for 31 years. A few times we have stated that we are a rare breed, two people who love each other dearly who are divorcing.. We made great parents, great roommates and business partners in this game called life, but were never lovers in the storybook way.

 

I decided today that my 21+ year marriage wasn't a failure, in fact it was quite successful and I am just retiring from it and starting on my next phase in my relationship life.

 

Wow, this post really scares me. Everything was so right that it was wrong. I hope that 73Fras has reviewed the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[73Fras]

Wow, this post really scares me. Everything was so right that it was wrong. I hope that 73Fras has reviewed the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

 

 

Why does my post scare you? I guess I am confused.

I am not the one that initiated the divorce..

[imtooconfused]

Why does my post scare you? I guess I am confused.

I am not the one that initiated the divorce..

 

I misunderstood your situation. I thought you were choosing to leave. I apologize and you have my sympathies.

[73Fras]

I misunderstood your situation. I thought you were choosing to leave. I apologize and you have my sympathies.

 

 

Gotcha...Thank you...

[JayS]

I liked your post. I'm separated form my wife, by her choice. There was much emotional damage done by me in our marriage. She wanted space, and so I have tried to let her have that. We've been apart two months now. We discuss our daughter and the banking (we both share the account still) But when I ask her how she feels about our future, I get ignored. She told me once "maybe". Other than that, it is hurtful. I tell her I love her, and get no response. If I try to get close to her, she walks away. All I am asking for is some sort of reassurance that our marriage is still alive. She refuses to tell me where she lives and won't let me have her home phone number. I think she's doing this to scare me into being a better husband in part, but it is very damaging. I am ready to start letting go of her, as I don't know how to cope with the cold distance she's put between us.

I would tell everyone who separates, as you said, let your partner know that you love him or her, and be honest as possible about your intentions.

[ImiD626]

Wow.....I could have written the same story. I've come to terms that loving my soon to be ex-husband (STBEH), rather than being IN LOVE with him, is not enough to sustain our marriage.

 

We've been housemates during the last 5 of our 15 year marriage, not even sharing a bed, and totally detached emotionally. I haven't said the words, "I Love you" to him in 2 years because I'm the type who can't say the words unless I meant them and I haven't been in love for him in a very long time.

 

The other day I found the first ring my STBEH gave me and I couldn't stop crying. It was an inexpensive ring probably with the lowest grade diamonds on the market. I cried for about an hour thinking about how much that cheap thing meant so much to me so many years ago. I was thinking about how far away we got from the promises made over that ring and all of the dreams we had. It also made me think about how much we've grown and changed since that simple ring. We're such different people. I feel like I've outgrown him...that I've evolved while he's still the same guy I married 15 years ago. We're just so different now and on different paths. It's time.

 

I totally agree with FREESPIRITLADY -- "It doesn't matter if he's the best person, if you aren't the best you can be with him."

[SuperGeek]

This thread makes me scared to ever get married again :/

 

SuperGeek

A recovered Divorced male three years out

[Steadfast]

This thread makes me scared to ever get married again :/

 

It should.

 

I see is a story that embraces selfishness as the inescapable standard and reinforces a faulty family structure where the children are the focus/drive/motivation of the marriage. Right from the start, the OP states that she didn't have 'those' feelings for her 'passive' husband, but married him anyway. Why this was carried out she didn't say, but it's a critical point.

 

Essentially, and right from the beginning, this man was set up to fail. Promised devotion, then not given it. Told (by the action of marriage and fatherhood) that he was adored, then ignored. Set up to fail. That's evil.

 

Yes, for the love of god leave already. Still, like supergeek, know that what you've repaid this man for his love has caused him a lifetime of misery, self doubt, and anger. Hopefully, at some point he'll experience real love and the pain, along with the doubt, will fade. It usually does.

 

I'm not writing this response to heap on loads of guilt. I imagine you feel plenty of that already. My point is that good rarely defeats evil. By its very nature, evil betrays itself and those involved in it crumble from within. You may feel your husband has suffered a great injustice and you'd be right. The real, lasting damage however, is self inflicted. Best you find out why.

[karnak]

It should.

 

I see is a story that embraces selfishness as the inescapable standard and reinforces a faulty family structure where the children are the focus/drive/motivation of the marriage.

 

Almost all the people my age (i'm mid-thirties) that I've known and who married, did it because they wanted to start a family, were afraid to end alone, or imagined marriage as a 24H party filled with travels, steamy sex and adventures.

 

Only 10% (or less) married with the idea they wanted to help make the other half as happy as they could and that it could be a trip filled with hazzards, risks and amazement.