mtnbiker3000 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I think what I do in an RS is decide my position very early on. Either I am not very invested in/attracted to that person, but want to play it out for a while due to being horny, bored, curious or whatever. Then I will bail after 2-3 weeks to 2-3 months. In this scenario, I never stick around very long. I keep myself emotionally protected. Sometimes they will bail because they can pick up on my low interest level. Obviously, that doesn't bother me, in fact makes it easier, really. I know that sounds harsh and coming from someone who is where I am now, it doesn’t make much sense. But as I mentioned, it never goes long/deep enough to really be a 'heartbreak' for either of us, I think… Or, I am very invested in/attracted to that person and I will stay until they bail on me. This has varied from months to years. And it always hurts very bad when they leave. I think I have low self-worth when I am in this position as I am so attracted to them, 'pedestalize' them and feel like they are the best I can or want to do. I settle. Like I am so lucky they have chosen to be with me. So, I won't leave even if it is not perfect, or getting progressively worse as my latest RS. I was so attracted to her I put up with an increasingly one-sided RS. I constantly gave, and she took. Even in the bedroom, it was scripted and I had a job to do. Forget about my wants or needs. They didn't matter. But for some reason I didn't care. And it's not that I am insecure and clingy or anything like that. It's more of a self-worth thing inside my own head. I mean, I should have left her several times during our RS, but did I? No, I didn't. In other aspects of my life I am plenty confident and have lots of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. But, when it comes to attractive women who show an interest in me, I seem to lose my shyte… So, I am left with either short meaningless relationships that don't offer much to either person, or longer, more meaningful relationships which always end up hurting me because of my own emotional issues and low self-worth. I'm sure this goes way back in my life to early childhood and I am trying to dig it up while in therapy. Don't want to do this anymore in life. I don't even know why I am posting this, but maybe someone else has similar issues and can relate/advise, I guess??
mahon451 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Well, the first step here is recognizing the problem, which you have. Many people never get that far. My suggestion? As stupid as it sounds, make two lists- one being EXACTLY what you desire in a partner, realistically. The other being a list of not-so-great traits/habits/ that you will and won't put up with from an SO. The first list, use as a set of guidlines, but be willing to be a little flexible. The second list, do not deviate from.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Well, the first step here is recognizing the problem, which you have. Many people never get that far. My suggestion? As stupid as it sounds, make two lists- one being EXACTLY what you desire in a partner, realistically. The other being a list of not-so-great traits/habits/ that you will and won't put up with from an SO. The first list, use as a set of guidlines, but be willing to be a little flexible. The second list, do not deviate from. Thanks!! That is actually a very simple, yet great idea. And, now that I hear it, I think my therapist did mention something similar, but I must have forgot. Think it was near the beginning of my visits and I probably spaced it...
IS IT Better late Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 MTN Biker, You sound very similar to me. I have a very similar pattern. I meet girls who I'm semi interested in and try to give it a shot with them but realize they don't do it for me and then I bail early before any real feelings develop. I think I'm a good person and don't want to hurt and mislead them. I've had a few dates with a girl recently and I'm just not feeling it so I'm done. But once in a blue a chick will come along and really excite me and then I get hooked. That's why I'm on this damn site! I fell for this last chick sooo hard, and when she walked away from me it destroyed me. My self esteem and self worth has always been an issue and this is the first time a chick I really liked dumped me. I've had some girls who I was interested in walk away after a date or two but that doesn't bother me. But this has brought me to a place I could've never imagined. Anger, depression, anxiety, hopeless. Worst part and most confusing thing it was only 5-months, but it was a damn good 5-months. Crazy girl even admitted we never had a bad date. So yes, I've been told our inner voice is part of our problem as to why you and me are both suffering. Overall I'm a little better but far from good.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 MTN Biker, You sound very similar to me. I have a very similar pattern. I meet girls who I'm semi interested in and try to give it a shot with them but realize they don't do it for me and then I bail early before any real feelings develop. I think I'm a good person and don't want to hurt and mislead them. I've had a few dates with a girl recently and I'm just not feeling it so I'm done. Wheeeewwww!! Thought I was alone and just crazy on this. This is the first time in my life I have truly stepped back and tried to understand what is going on and possibly fix it. I am getting too old to continue with this, and I want more. I want better. I deserve it!! I too, believe I am a good person and don't exploit people for any reason. TBH, after reading all of the horror stories on LS about PD's, infidelity, lying, deception, etc, I am very nervous about getting back out there. It just seems like such a crap shoot. And, even if things seem great for a while, even year(s), it can all go south in an instant. But once in a blue a chick will come along and really excite me and then I get hooked. That's why I'm on this damn site! I fell for this last chick sooo hard, and when she walked away from me it destroyed me. Yes, I feel the same. This last girl was everything. Before her, I had never once even thought about marriage and a life together forever with another person. But, I knew very quickly she was the one. I proposed and thought things were on track. Not so much!! This has been the hardest 4 months of my life and I am consumed with thoughts of her. Getting better slowly, but still in a very bad place. My self-esteem and self-worth has always been an issue and this is the first time a chick I really liked dumped me. I've had some girls who I was interested in walk away after a date or two but that doesn't bother me. But this has brought me to a place I could've never imagined. Anger, depression, anxiety, hopeless. Yes, I feel all of these on a regular basis as well. I actually happened across this article earlier this morning. I too realize I have some self-esteem & self-worth issues from when I was a little kid. Never realized this until I did a little digging with my therapist recently. Overcoming | Overcoming Low Self-Esteem | Understanding Low Self-Esteem My issues are mostly seated around women, but exist in other parts of my life as well. Don't know about you, but I am desperate to address and solve these issues. It is just too hard to keep up with these same patterns. Too hard!! Worst part and most confusing thing it was only 5-months, but it was a damn good 5-months. Crazy girl even admitted we never had a bad date. Don't feel bad, as it can happen in 5 weeks or 50 years. I knew very quickly about my ex. Within a matter of weeks, really. Luckily (or maybe not) we lasted for 3 years until it all finally unraveled. And, yes, before it started to crumble, it was good. Sooo good. Perfect, really!! And, I actually had another heartbreak about 8 or 9 years ago that developed within a matter of months, so I get it!! So yes, I've been told our inner voice is part of our problem as to why you and me are both suffering. Overall I'm a little better but far from good. I have heard of this, but don't know too much about it. I think it ties in with all of the self-esteem things already discussed. I am going to look a little deeper into this… Good luck to you
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