Discovered girlfriend was involved in sham marriage for residency.

[Frankly]

Hello, newbie here

Can I just say what a wealth of information there is on here and have used it over the years in the past and always found the answers I was looking for. However, the predicament I'm in now seems slightly unique. I am from UK.

 

I've been seeing a girl for just over 4 months and things have been going well. We met online and clicked. After a few weeks I got a shock and found out she was actually 5 years older than what I had been told. I wasn't too impressed but dealt with it and it's not been an issue. So she's 37 and I'm just 30. We've been away on holiday together and got on great with no problems. I should point out she is south east Asian. Anyhow, for a bit of fun we googled our names. When I googled her name, a lot of the results were to do with law. I searched her name and it appeared in a list under Matrimonial And Civil Partnership Proceedings, versus another foreign name. I instantly could tell it was divorce proceedings dating from last year. I finally managed to get her to confess and it turned out that she had married someone she knows in order to get the residency and stay in the UK. I'm confused as she has told me she has now been here for 13 years and I would have thought there would have been another route to residency after such a long time in the UK. Her main reason for doing this is her family at home are very strict and controlling and did not want to return and live in her home country. Seems extreme. Anyhow, she is now divorced.

I am having trouble accepting what she has done, as a British citizen, I feel as if she has cheated our country. What she has done is illegal and immoral. I have nothing against immigrants, as long as it is done correctly. I'm also worried about what other surprises may lay in store for me down the road.

I accept that she could not really come out and tell me about this when we've only been dating a few months and says she was going to tell me at some point.

So now I'm left pondering what to do, whether to get out of this relationship as it could be turning a bit messy or do I accept the past and move on? At least I won't be marrying her anytime soon! I should add, she now has a British passport and citizenship. She is also in full time work, paying taxes and is not a burden in any way to the state.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my dilemma, much appreciated.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Frankly
missed out something

[FitChick]

So date someone else.

[veggirl]

Dump her immediately. Her character sucks. She is a massive liar and user...whatever gets her what she wants.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The biggest knock against her for me personally is the age thing, I would be very turned off by that If I were to be dating someone.

 

As far as the immigration status, I think Asian culture can be quite conservative and traditional and there tend to be a lot of pressure and expectations within it...personally I'd run for the hills too or do whatever it took to get myself out of that...marrying for citizenship isn't exactly news, welcome to what it's like to live in the United States when it comes to that one.

 

I can understand why she was apprehensive and discreet about her past and these details...which is basically for this exact reason...fear of being judged. Personally I don't think anyone should hide or feel ashamed of themselves but can understand avoid the stigma, and whether someone else accepts it or not is their problem...but also I realize there is a reasonable level of privacy and unnecessary information that should be exchanged while dating someone...especially just a few months in.

 

I wouldn't say what she has done is immoral...I think she felt she did what she had to do to escape and it was consensual but I realize that her decision may affect your view of what marriage is and means.

 

She's lied to you about several things...not only about her age, but her past and seemed to be very hesitant in telling the truth even after the moment where her best bet was just to be honest at that point. You also seem to be on the fast track, since you've already been on holiday together.

 

I think the question is...can you realistically accept this and has her lies put you off to the point where you feel this is not worth the investment. If you were a woman, chances are high you'd stick around regardless...as a man though there's a bit more variable because of principles, men tend to stick to those and this might be enough of a reason for you to never realistically consider her for anything long-term or serious...then in that case, you'll not only be lying to her but yourself as well....because deep down you know it's unacceptable and derails your emotions or opinion of her too greatly.

 

I think if you could accept it...the decision would have already been made to continue and you'd be more understanding or at least try to be. So I'd have to say this seems like a deal breaker for you and you're already to some extent emotionally pulling away.

 

I think you should take a step back and try to take an objective look at this two month dating relationship as a whole, and really ask yourself if continuing forward would just inevitably be a waste of each others time...of course for many women, they will insist on exploring the possibility and "hope" things will change, but as a man, many tend to be firm and decisive about what they want and do not want...so you're going to have to be the one that makes the call...don't expect any understanding or some diplomatic agreement/withdraw, just make your decision and stick with it once you make your decision.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Sunshine87]

It's not the age or the marriage....it's the fact that she lied. Expect many more surprises. I wouldn't trust this one.

[Frankly]

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, the marriage in itself is not an issue for me, it's more the fact that she must be a pretty darn good liar to achieve it. I'm going to have to take it easy with this one for a while, I think and just see how it plays out. Things were going swimmingly, and then this just pops up from out of the blue.

[KatZee]

Yeah, seriously. Go find someone else.

 

She's already proven herself to be a liar. She lied right out of the gate about her age, she tried hiding a sham wedding, and you find her to be immoral, and can't stand that she's done illegal stuff.

 

Why is this even a thread here? You know what to do. Wipe your hands and find another woman with less baggage. Slowing things down with her isn't going to resolve this situation, nor will it change the fact she's a pretty damn great liar.

 

Just can her. There's nothing invested here. I'm PRETTY SURE you can find someone of a higher caliber.

[Frankly]

Thanks Katzee. Yeah you're right. I should find someone else. I guess though discussing the fact you've been involved in illegal marriages in the past isn't a topic you want to bring up in the first few months of dating someone else.. If I try to see it from the other side. Or maybe that's just being naive!

[KatZee]

Thanks Katzee. Yeah you're right. I should find someone else. I guess though discussing the fact you've been involved in illegal marriages in the past isn't a topic you want to bring up in the first few months of dating someone else.. If I try to see it from the other side. Or maybe that's just being naive!

 

You are being naive.

 

It's not a topic to be brought up in the first few months, and it's not even a topic to bring up if you've been dating a year.

 

I think it pretty much goes without saying that if the person you're dating is a liar, and partakes in extremely illegal activity... is a person that doesn't have much of a moral compass and lacks a whole lot of integrity.

 

Again, she couldn't even be honest about her age once she met you. She's a proven liar. Whether she tells you now, or later. She's a liar. There is no "other side to the story" here. She's a liar.