jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I've been dating a great girl for three months. We're both in our thirties. She's a widow (2 1/2 years) with two kids. Everything was going great for the first two months and we were so excited about the future. We spent lots of time together with the girls, had lots of passion and it was great. On Mother's day, she got really sad because it happened to be her anniversary. At that point, she started to become detached, rarely initiated texts but we were still spending lots of time together. We haven't had sex in three weeks. We discussed this and decided we needed to go out on some dates instead of always spending time with the girls. We had a great weekend last weekend but on Friday we scheduled time to meet for drinks and she stood me up. I haven't heard from her since. I don't know if she just decided she's not interested in me or if she's having issues unrelated to me dealing with grief or questioning if she's ready for a serious relationship. So do I contact her or just let her figure it out on her own? I would guess she would contact me at some point if she was interested or thought we had something right?
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Have you tried to contact her? To rule out something tragic or catastrophic? I normally would say leave her alone; standing you up was her rude way of breaking up with you. But, given her history, leaving a message "Checking in, wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm here if you need to talk", seems appropriate. But don't push beyond that. Good luck! 1
jphcbpa Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I would think that you should reach out and let her know you would like to talk with her when she has a moment and is ready. Don't shame her or punish her, just let her know you would like to have a conversation. This way the adult in you shows up and not the like child that resides in us at time. Be a man of love, listen, dont fix, just be. 1
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for the advice. At the end of the day, wouldn't she contact me if she still was interested?
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for the advice. At the end of the day, wouldn't she contact me if she still was interested? Yes, you would hope so. I went back and read your other thread. It seems as if she is going through a tough time right now. Perhaps she is still grieving? The best you can do is offer support. I suspect the "not as physically attracted" stems from her current stress related to her job and the kids, as well as some sadness over the memories of her husband (triggered by the anniversary date). At minimum, she owes you an apology and explanation for standing you up! If she is no longer interested, this was a rude way of informing you. 1
salparadise Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for the advice. At the end of the day, wouldn't she contact me if she still was interested? Not necessarily. Maybe she's feeling conflicted and needing to feel that you're dedicated, interested enough in her to take the initiative. I'm just saying this is a possibility. What's keeping you from it other than pride? Just reach out to her in a gentle, adult way and if she blows you off again let her go. This is really not looking promising but what do you have to lose? Don't make assumptions as to what's going on with her, ask her. 1
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Not necessarily. Maybe she's feeling conflicted and needing to feel that you're dedicated, interested enough in her to take the initiative. I'm just saying this is a possibility. What's keeping you from it other than pride? Just reach out to her in a gentle, adult way and if she blows you off again let her go. This is really not looking promising but what do you have to lose? Don't make assumptions as to what's going on with her, ask her. Yes, this (ten characters, ten characters.......)
SJC2008 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Not necessarily. Maybe she's feeling conflicted and needing to feel that you're dedicated, interested enough in her to take the initiative. I'm just saying this is a possibility. What's keeping you from it other than pride? Just reach out to her in a gentle, adult way and if she blows you off again let her go. This is really not looking promising but what do you have to lose? Don't make assumptions as to what's going on with her, ask her. I disagree with this 100%. If she's doing this on purpose even though I'm sure she ghosted that's not the way to find out how he feels about her. This is testing and it's immature. Also, it's not a pride thing IMO. Sure she's hurt and I understand that 100% but does the fact that she's hurt and conflicted give her the right to disregard HIS feelings and just disappear? Hell no it doesn't. OP, other than a courtesy call to see if she's ok don't ask her what happened or anything. 1
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I disagree with this 100%. If she's doing this on purpose even though I'm sure she ghosted that's not the way to find out how he feels about her. This is testing and it's immature. Also, it's not a pride thing IMO. Sure she's hurt and I understand that 100% but does the fact that she's hurt and conflicted give her the right to disregard HIS feelings and just disappear? Hell no it doesn't. OP, other than a courtesy call to see if she's ok don't ask her what happened or anything. Well, there's a little bit of background history, so it's up to the OP to determine whether her circumstances warrant his overlooking, or forgiving, the fact that she stood him up. Agree, a courtesy call would be the first step, if he's going to do anything at all. 1
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 What great advice from you all! I really appreciate it. I really noticed her being less enthusiastic about us beginning on Mother's day, which would have been her seventh anniversary so I'm hoping that the problem has to do with that and not with her losing feelings for me. I guess I won't know unless I ask her directly and then I can act accordingly. This relationship moved so quickly. It was like a lightening bolt hit us and we were both so excited about it. But after the first month, we spent the bulk of our time with her two young girls and then spending a few hours together when they went to bed. We haven't been on any dates for awhile (in between baby sitters) and I think part of the problem is we stopped having fun by ourselves and seem a bit like a couple that's been together for years. I think this has added more pressure and scared her a bit. call or email? neither of us is big on the phone.
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I would normally say phone, but if you are both okay with email, okay. Especially since she has distanced herself by standing you up. (Although, emails are easier to ignore, and you may have to accept a no reply as your answer regarding where you stand). Good luck! Ps: you didn't offer "drive by" as an option, but me, being a bit on the ballsy side, would probably opt for it, LOL!
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 So glad that you will reach out. I think it's the right thing to do, especially since she opened up and let you into her family. I would call. Leave a voice mail if she doesn't pick up. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 If you want her...you should go and get her (pursue her/express your interest/care/support). You need to be more assertive, you're not taking enough initiative and instead taking guesses at what the problem is or could be. You've noticed the change, haven't had sex in 3 weeks and realized she might be dealing with some impairing and conflicting or just stagnating emotions her...this also sounds like her first big relationship after his death, so major rebounding here could be a problem, since she just trying to get out and express those emotions. You should have been talking to her about this and communicating, being supportive or expressive and therefore inviting her to reciprocate emotionally as well. I often wonder how the hell people spend so much time together and know nothing about each other emotional, it's baffling, like if you're just riding the high and going with the good times. I guess for some people that's just "living in the moment" or "seeing where it goes" but by bob, does it glaze over and miss out on the real person that you're actually with, not to mention you don't know their emotional state which obviously can affect you greatly. So call, or send flowers or show a kind/thoughtful gesture...show up if you have to...you've got to be willing to take chances man, even if you get burned or rejected, at least you know...and if things didn't work out it doesn't mean it necessarily had everything to do with you. 3
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Ninja, I like your "man up" perspective. You kind of nailed it. We were on such a high early on that she just seemed super excited about our relationship that we didn't have a lot of deep conversations. then recently I started noticing some signs that she might be having some grieving or other issues. She'd see me playing with the girls and I could see the sadness. On Mother's Day, I began to teach the girls tennis and she said "this is so sad". And that is when she began pushing me away. Still it's tough to find the balance between going after her and giving her space to process and adjust.
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I have plenty of self-respect. If she just doesn't want to date me, I will move on without another word but if in the chance she is having issues due to her past, why would I give up a great opportunity because of pride?
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I'm going to email. I think calling will create pressure. We aren't phone people and she'll immediately know why I'm calling. Probably a toss up. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It sounds like she is still battling some depression from her husband's death. If she stood you up for something you'd planned, then you should text or call a few days later. If she doesn't respond, move on. It wasn't your fault, she's still recovering and if she does not do you the courtesy of responding to your inquiry then you should move on. Reaching out once indicates that you tried and that's what's important rather than blow her off.
SJC2008 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I have plenty of self-respect. If she just doesn't want to date me, I will move on without another word but if in the chance she is having issues due to her past, why would I give up a great opportunity because of pride? It's not about pride it's about mutual respect. If you reach out to her you're laying the ground work that whenever there's a problem she can shut down and sit on her arse becuase you'll come to her rescue. If she was starting to pull away she should of told you she's dealing with some strong emotions and needs a break instead of outright standing you up.
Author jncapital1 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Great advice. I sent her an email and we'll see if she responds. She might not be ready for a relationship yet or maybe she is but just not with me (who would believe that?! haha).
mammasita Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Hmmmmmm, why didnt you call/text/email the night she stood you up? IMO, you made a mistake there and you wouldn't be wondering what was up now had you done that. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It's not about pride it's about mutual respect. If you reach out to her you're laying the ground work that whenever there's a problem she can shut down and sit on her arse becuase you'll come to her rescue. If she was starting to pull away she should of told you she's dealing with some strong emotions and needs a break instead of outright standing you up. I personally think that unless you have lost a spouse, especially a young spouse you should not judge the widow's character. When you lose someone you value greatly, it affects you in a very traumatic way sometimes. She may not be grieving, rather she may be afraid to have another attachment that may end prematurely. That's scary stuff, especially when as young as this woman is. Fear of attachment is quite common. I lost my mother when I was 18 and my father at 31. They both passed well before their time at 46 and 58 and it affected my ability to bond with anyone. I highly doubt that if you met her kids that she wants you to leave, I'm a single Mom and only allow my kids to meet a man if I really want him to be around next yr, and the next. Give her some time, SHOW her that you care but don't pressure her. This woman has more on her shoulders than most people, if any can understand. 1
Author jncapital1 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Sweetheart, I completely agree. I know she is struggling with adjusting and still misses her husband dearly. She's a wonderful woman and raising two great little girls. I hope she decides to keep seeing me. And look, she could be pulling away simply because she's decided we're not a good fit. And yes maybe I should have called her the night she stood me up but I don't know if that would have made a difference one way or the other regarding her feelings towards our relationship. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Have you considered visiting a widows/widowers' forum and posting there? There are some unique issues they face when they begin dating again, and it's often a challenge at least initially, for their new dating partners. Every couple hits rough spots! You don't dart away in a huff because it's not all fairies and pixie dust on a particular day. People get snappy and behave less than perfectly when stressed, upset, or life throws them a monkey wrench. A partner who cares can look beyond that to what they share and support the person through the rough spot, rather than taking everything as a personal insult and adding to the stress with a knee jerk reaction. The beauty of a healthy relationship is being the yin to your partner's yang. You will face your own challenges and rough spots. I suspect she will be there to support you if you get through this together. I am just floored that people jump ship at the slightest hint of a wave. Perhaps that lies behind their difficulties in finding a lasting relationship. 6
sweetheart5381 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 Have you considered visiting a widows/widowers' forum and posting there? There are some unique issues they face when they begin dating again, and it's often a challenge at least initially, for their new dating partners. Every couple hits rough spots! You don't dart away in a huff because it's not all fairies and pixie dust on a particular day. People get snappy and behave less than perfectly when stressed, upset, or life throws them a monkey wrench. A partner who cares can look beyond that to what they share and support the person through the rough spot, rather than taking everything as a personal insult and adding to the stress with a knee jerk reaction. The beauty of a healthy relationship is being the yin to your partner's yang. You will face your own challenges and rough spots. I suspect she will be there to support you if you get through this together. I am just floored that people jump ship at the slightest hint of a wave. Perhaps that lies behind their difficulties in finding a lasting relationship. Agreed. Great post. 2
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