The "ball" is in my court

[Guest]

Here is the deal, my ex and I broke up 2 months ago. The first month was kind of confusing and I actually didn't really know we were broken up. Similar to other poster she needed space, but she actually had what I thought was a real excuse. I told her was going to work abroad for half a year after being her life and best friend for 4.5years. Her parents were getting divorced and her childhood home was being sold. Her mom came to town after seperating 5 months earlier to take half of the household possessions and she was starting a graduate program. It was a rough couple of weeks.

 

Anyway she was messed up and started falling for a guy at work and was dating him before I knew we were on a break/broken up. The day her mom came to pick up her stuff she had him there for support (within these 2 weeks). I am assuming that this new relationship is a rebound but who knows maybe she was really not happy and was ready to move on. I thought she was happy but that's what we (dumpee) all think and feel.

 

Anyway for the first month that we were broken up. I believed her when she said it wasn't me it was a situational break up. So I tried to help her through her situation and support her. Then I found out that she was telling me lies and dating this guy.

 

Basically I stopped contacting her when I found out about the other guy. She wanted to be friends and she emailed me a few times. I wrote her a polite email saying that it hurts when she contacts me, that I would was doing fine and that I would have her stuff packed, so that when I leave she could get it. Keep in mind I did this in a thoughtfull polite manner. She wrote me back in a polite manner that she was glad I was doing fine and if I wanted my stuff back before I leave. I think she was trying to string me into continued contact with her, but her note was very polite. Because in my note I said that I did not want to talk and that I stated in my note to her that she could drop off my stuff when she picked up hers, I did not reply to her.

 

She was too young to get married, had felt she need couldn't commit because I was her first real boyfriend and her parents divorce after 20 years of marrage made her question her love. The one thing was constant she didn't want to lose our relationship.

 

My question after this long setup is: I asked her not to contact me and she wrote me last, so the ball is in my court. In this NC situation is it good to have the ball in my court? I guess she has become the dumpee in the sense she wants to keep contact and I don't. I remember a talk I had with her that she wanted me to date other people because she needed to figure out her life. I said "so I can date and sleep with other people", her response was "I would be very upset if you did but it is your life." She said that if I moved on and she wanted me back she would live with her decision because she had her chance and wasn't ready.

 

I still don't want to talk to her, and it feels good not watching my email everyday hoping she will contact me. I guess I have turned the tables of power, don't talk to me I'll call you.

 

Another question for you folks: Can all the stuff that happened to her mess with your mind and make you question a great relationship or do you think she used everything as an excuse? One thing is she never said those mean things that most girls or guys say when they want to end a relationship. I read it all the time in other thread where a girl or guy will say "I never loved you". She respects me I think and I don't think she will ever call if I ask her not to because she doesn't want to hurt me.

 

Question: when she want me to date other people do you think it was to ease her guilt about dating someone else or do you think that she didn't know what she wanted and thought it wasn't fair to keep me waiting?

[Stellar]

I had the 'no contact' issue with my last 2 boyfriends - I broke up with the first one and asked for no contact. The second guy broke up with me and I asked for no contact. Why? Because I have tried the 'let's be friends still' scenario and it simply just doesn't work for a couple of reasons:

 

1. You are always subconciously hoping that by staying in their life, they will oneday want you back;

 

2. You are delaying the healing process in a huge, huge way.

 

I tried to remain friends with an ex once, after he begged me. It was awful. It was impossible for me to move on and I was only being cruel to myself.

 

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that people break up for a reason. When you break up, you stay that way. If whatever problem you had couldn't be worked out as a couple, then that says a lot about the kind of relationship you had, or at least, a lot about one of you. I have a rule now that when I break up with a guy, I don't have any contact with him. No ex is that amazing a person that I just can't do without them in my life. If they truly were that amazing, we'd still be a couple.

 

I know, from experience, that cutting all ties is a devestating thing to do - but not as devestating as living with false hope and not moving on. Cutting all ties also meant for me that I could get some clarity and you'd be surprised at the amazing weight that lifts off your shoulders - you don't wonder when they will call next...you don't wonder if they've met someone else...you don't wait for them to tell you something that will break your heart...you just don't kid yourself anymore.

 

Remember: if you are going to cut all ties, make sure you do it because you want to be kind to yourself and move on - not because you hope that absence will make your ex-partner's heart grow fonder.

 

All the best and stay positive

[Stellar]

When my ex and I broke up, he started seeing another girl a week later. He said he would love it if we could remain friends - he was only saying that to alleviate his guilt and so he wouldn't look like such a s***. Clearly, he did not have my best interests at heart. Barring him for good was the best thing I did for myself

[Stellar]

Just after I replied to your post (twice), I came across this post by miggsbucks. I'm not sure if you've read it, but it's a great post, and right up your alley:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44210/