Let my soulmate slip away?

[av1984]

I started dating a friend of mine from college about 6 years ago. We quickly became partners and feel deeply in love with each other.

 

There was a point about a year and a half into the relationship where she broke up with me for no other reason than that she had moved into a home with her roommates (about an hour away from me) and wanted to be single. We still didn't stop seeing each other, and we were back together within a few months.

 

The biggest thing that happened was that I got a new job about 400 miles away and had to move. This new career enabled us to be on our home, buy a home etc. She made the move up with me but had to quit her job, leave her friends, etc.

 

My new job was in law enforcement so I had crazy hours, which meant she was home alone for the most part. We both played online games so we talked to people all the time. But little did I know she was getting too close to some of them.

 

Just to mention, my parents didn't really like her all that much. She was introverted with them and they wanted her to be part of the family. After a couple of months, my mother left her a scathing voicemail about not calling her on mothers day. In fact, she called her and (from what i believe) my gf didn't answer. Well she ended up packing up and leaving to go to her father's home.

 

After a couple months, i started dating again. One of my ex's called me and told me that they had been dating again so that I wouldn't find out on myspace or facebook. So i called her up and told her i was dating. She broke down and said she wanted to be back with me.

 

All the while, I had feelings for this new girl. It caused havoc because she called me over to drop off a few things, and we had sex. The next day of course i went out with the new girl and had sex with her too. I have never been so torn in my life. Well I chose my ex overall and we tried to patch things up with parents, to no avail. I was stuck on the new girl I had been dating because i couldn't think clearly. She had stepped up her game a little at a gf and was trying to make things work. The problems with my parents were hurting me because a few times a week we'd be screaming at each other. I just couldn't figure out how to make things work. I wanted to marry her but couldn't subject us to the constant barrage of my parents. She was still talking to other guys online, and even visited one of them. She says she didn't sleep with him or anything but what do I know. I felt like she was cheating on me based on the fact she gave so much attention to other guys while she was trying to patch things up with me. I felt like we had numerous barriers, so a few months after she came back, I broke up with her.

 

That was 2 years ago. We still stayed in contact a little bit, we weren't angry at each other. But every time she told me she was dating again, I couldn't help but feel sad.

 

I starting dating a new girl about a year and a half ago. She is great. Very sweet girl that was much more affectionate than I ever wanted (my ex barely touched me, wouldn't even kiss me when I wanted, and only had sex when she wanted to). She loves me very deeply and wants to get married. I know I love her to, but I can't seem to get the same feeling with her as I did my ex.

 

She found out about this relationship and called me up crying (while she was in an off-again relationship with some guy that I guess was just sexual). She said that she needed me to be there for her since she was going through a medical issue. I couldn't sit there and try to talk to her while my girlfriend is in the room wondering what's going on. So I had to cut it short.

 

My ex just started dating a new guy 3 months ago. We talked about it and I made sure to let her know that I wanted her to be happy. Unfortunately for me, I turned on my old laptop because i was trying to sell it for $50, which still had her email logged onto it. She is deeply in love with her new boyfriend and referred to her past relationships as being "mostly physical attractions" and that he was the first one that "truly cared for her." I know what I did was wrong by checking it. But I couldn't feel a little betrayed by what I read because I have countless emails from her professing her love for me and that she could always count on me.

 

I've tried to write down some things that I didn't like about our relationship to help cope, but in the end she's still the only girl I've ever been with that puts butterflies in my stomach.

 

I didn't like her unaffectionate ways.

 

It's been a long time since we've even seen each other in person but in the end I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't know what to do, I want to fully move on but I am the type that just can't let things go in general.

 

What do I do? How do I stop dwelling.

She was beautiful, educated, we had amazing sexual chemistry. She was great on paper, but in practice she wasn't the greatest. But I still can't stop dwelling....

Edited June 5, 2013 by av1984

[Renard99]

As Metal Chick says, you've answered your own question.

 

I had a crossover period, about 8 months after the break up, where I was dating a new woman and my ex wanted to come back. It really tore me up because a part of me really wanted to be with my ex, however, the new woman was a far better match for me. I came to realise, with help from the people here on LS, that I still had feelings for the 'idea' of my ex, not the actual reality of my ex. I think that's the same thing for you here.

 

If you think about it, you've given the relationship a go, not once but twice. Both times there have been problems that have ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship. If you really had found your soulmate these issues wouldn't exist, or, if they did exist, a soulmate would work out the problems with you.

 

You made a good start with writing down the things you didn't like about the relationship. What I did was, any time I thought about my ex it was always something positive, so I forced my self to think of something negative. So, for example, my mind would wander and I'd think, 'I really liked being in bed with my ex' but then I followed it up with 'but she always stole the sheets' or 'she snored loudly'. Eventually I realised that there was just as much I disliked as I did like making her just 'normal' in my eyes.

 

I think you should stick with your new date. You say you love her so there has to be something there for those feelings to rise in you. As long as your thoughts for your ex don't consume you, to the extent that your new date is always playing second best to the thought of your ex, then I'd concentrate on building a new life for yourself.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Renard99

[Ginko_Mushishi]

Totally agree with Renard99. I was also confused with the feelings for the ex. I also learned here that I was more into the "idea" of my ex rather than my ex herself.

 

Give your new love a chance. The way you tell us, I'm sure it'll turn out much better than with your ex.