Jump to content

BF can't live anymore 'cause he feels guilty for what he has done to this ex

hellischrome

By hellischrome
in Coping

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
Posted (edited)

This is a crazy story and I really need some help here.

I have been dating a guy for almost 6 months now - when we started we both were with other people. He closed his story in an awful way - basically he got her girlfriend to fly for 14.000 miles to visit him and then dumped her after 9 years. He is been really nice to her though, offering help and being always there for months even more than he should have done.

 

In these 6 months we've been going up&down, more down than up, as we probably thought it was going to be different and we are still used to the reactions and the people we had in our former stories. Now it comes out that he cannot really live happily anymore, especially with me, because he feels guilty for what he has done to this ex. He says he has feeling for her as he cares A LOT, but he says he doesn't love her (and loves me and wants to stay with me). She got back to him recently saying she wants another chance for them, and that she wants to be with him. He didn't reply (this is what he said), but he now feels bad because the only way for her to be happy would be to be with him, he doesn't want that, therefore it's his fault if she suffers.

 

Also, he is afraid that he is not going to have with me what he had before - which was a tranquillity do to the fact that they were together for long and knew each other very well and that they could count on each other because their path was all set.

Now, this clearly has an impact on us. I have been through the same thing with my ex but I did better than he did, of course doing my mistakes in the break up. The thing is that now I am mentally available for him, and he is not. He says that he doesn't deserve to be happy with someone else knowing that he did something so bad to someone he used to love and still cares for.

 

And last but not least, he asked ME for help, saying that he'd like to have me as a guide and a light through the dark he's into now, as I managed to do my things well and he wants once in a while to discuss all the situation and be reassured on a few things.

I tried to say that everyone deserves happiness no matter what, but he still is depressed and wants to see a psycologist. He said he needs this in order to be able to stay with me and love me. When I said he should deal with this first, and then with me, he said he simply cannot let me go, because he doesn't wanna lose me.

 

I am going totally MAD because I know the right thing would be to let him deal with his ghosts, with the risk that eventually he may be convinced that the right thing is go back with her and forget about me, then everyone would be happy (especially his family, who of course hates me).

At the same time I cannot let him go as well because I love him and I want to help him.

 

Please, any kind of help is appreciated.:(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Zammo25 Established Member

Zammo25

Posted
Posted

He cheated on his partner and then got her to fly 14000 miles to dump her. He sounds a nice guy. I am not suprised he feels guilty, he should.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

You're his GF not his social worker, therapist, carer or counsellor.

You may WANT to help him, but actually, all you're doing is actually clouding the issue.

 

If he wants to get his mind sorted out - you absolutely HAVE to back off.

 

Your constant presence actually ENABLES his behaviour. You are there for him, so to an extent, you tacitly support him.

 

he has to sever ties with her, and cement them with you.

And he has to pull his big boy pants on and do it himself.

 

Back off.

This is just a drama adding drama to drama making it a tragedy.

avelonia2013 Established Member

avelonia2013

Posted
Posted

Its normal to feel remorse while one is grieving the loss of what was. He has to allow himself to feel it then push through it. It will pass if he just let's it be and feels it without acting on it.

  • Author
hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi guys and thanks for your replies.

@zammo25: yeah, what he did is really wrong, and I am not on his side for that, it's obvious. But that happened 6 months ago and he tried to did his best to make things a little bit better, and at some point life goes on. This is not an excuse but she cheated on him as well, twice, when she was away. The story had to come to an end anyway, but he didn't managed to do it right.

 

@taramaiden: Yeah, I feel like he is giving me all his pain and his burden, and I don't know how to deal with that. I think he should really see a therapist and I am trying to gather info about that where I work as we also offer that kind of service. He said he doesn't want to get his mind sorted out as accordingly to him, he wants to stay with me. At the same time he cannot really enjoy life (and me) at the moment, as he still feels bad cause she feels bad and he cannot and doesn't want to give her what she wants (staying with him). I know I should back off but I don't know how will that cement our ties.

 

@avelonia: Yeah, I think it's normal as well and I think he should just live it and see how it goes. But he is probably too scared to do anything at the moment, that's why I am so confused, as I thought that if he wants to stay with me, that should only be a priority. I suggested to take a break or take some space individually, he replied he doesn't want to end things and he cried and wouldn't let me go out of my house until I said it was not the end and we were just talking about it.

 

The real thing is that I feel bad and sad because I just want a nice story with happy memories, and not a complicated one with arguments and depression.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

@taramaiden: Yeah, I feel like he is giving me all his pain and his burden, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Easy.

You tell him his problems are not your problems and he has to find a solution. That's not on you, that's on him.

 

I think he should really see a therapist and I am trying to gather info about that where I work as we also offer that kind of service.

Then stop that, immediately.

This is not for you to be doing.

If he needs therapy, he has to realise this, and he has to do this for himself. Quit supporting him or enabling his situation!!

 

He said he doesn't want to get his mind sorted out as accordingly to him, he wants to stay with me.

Listen very carefully:

 

He

 

Cannot

 

Do

 

Both.

 

Got it?

He either has to get his mind sorted - and stay with you - or NOT get his mind sorted - AND LOSE YOU.

 

 

At the same time he cannot really enjoy life (and me) at the moment, as he still feels bad cause she feels bad and he cannot and doesn't want to give her what she wants (staying with him).

 

Oh for goodness' sake woman, grow a damn backbone.

Why are you putting up with his childish stupid needy co-dependent behaviour??

For the last time - you are NOT his THERAPIST!!

You HAVE to quit putting up with this!!

 

His ego is so flattered at the moment - this is doing him a 'power of good' but in fact it's destructive, dysfunctional and pointless!

 

He has her depending on him, and you hanging onto his every need and trying to support him - while he won't do anything to help himself!!

 

jeesh!!

You're going out with a 9-year-old kid!!

Look at this realistically, for once!!!

 

I know I should back off but I don't know how will that cement our ties.

You don't get it, do you?

What you desperately, honestly and realistically HAVE to do, without any ifs buts or maybes - is SEVER ties!!

 

you don't WANT to 'cement your ties'.

Otherwise you will be living this drama for the foreseeable future.

If nothing changes, that's a long time!!

Quit this farce, it's soul-destroying, stupid and utterly pointless! he's just leeching off you, using you as a crutch and in the meantime, feeding her ego too!

 

God, can't you see this at all??

You need to leave this, urgently!!

 

 

The real thing is that I feel bad and sad because I just want a nice story with happy memories, and not a complicated one with arguments and depression.

 

Tough schytt.

you got this, and it's not going to change.

 

Until he changes it.

 

Of his own free will.

And while you're there supporting, enabling and helping him all the way - that will never happen.

  • Like 1
avelonia2013 Established Member

avelonia2013

Posted
Posted

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you're involved with someone who is attached to someone else its hard to have an ending that is easy and breezy. It's not realistic. Someone will hurt no matter what and you have to just push through it until you make it to the other side. Sometimes space to get clarity are the only things that work in situations like this to help you both decide what you want need. Sadness is part of grieving though and there is no way around it if you don't want problems to pop up later. Its important to just let yourself go through it, but that's me and how I view it. I know everyone is different and have different ways of coping.

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
Posted

Your boyfriend sounds selfish. I'm sorry.

 

I also agree with everything else that's been said here.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...