SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (This is long, but hopefully some of you can still share some insight or related stories) I had a break up many months ago. I somewhat got over it but I still cry time to time thinking about my old life. I used to have so much fun. Now I don't. I've only gone on two dates and, although pleasant, they could not compare at all. I couldn't see either of them again. I'm always in this pain that I can never move on. He was my first boyfriend and first everything pretty much. That might contribute to why it's so meaningful to me. I tried not to form an attachment to him and I tried to keep a little distance so my whole heart was not invested. Once it ended however, I realized how many feelings I had for him. We still remain friends and I'm afraid to let go of that. The reason for the break up according to him, and from what seems evident, is because of life circumstances and issues he has to go through (and is actually going through as we speak). I have a hard letting go of that small hope that maybe one day we will get back together. I feel pathetic for thinking like that but I still have that hope. I'm always so sensitive to seeing this loss of interest from him. He doesn't usually respond to texts unless it's a question or for me to come over. It's like he has nothing to say unless it's a question. Nor does he care to be friendly enough to continue. It hurts so bad I can't even describe. I know he's glued to his phone. I know he's texting his other close friends right now keep them up to date on what is happening. He had something major going on today. I texted him last night but I don't expect to hear from him for who knows how long. I deleted him from my phone. I even blocked his updates from my news feed. I do not want to delete him from fb because for now that part is okay since the updates and activity are blocked and since we remain friends. I just get so sad because I know he is so close with so many other girls and friends. I lost all that when the relationship ended. Now it's like he has no desire to talk with me on the phone (unless it was for me to come over). I remember the days when he always called all day long. Now I'm so left out of everything. I don't mean to sound selfish because he's going through a lot. I just know that he's talking to everyone else despite all that. Just not me. If he wants to be friends, why not treat me like the rest of the friends that he's probably, at the very least, responding to right now? I went on his page and see so many people writing comments. I can assume he's probably talking to them. I always try to control my urge to contact him b/c but I always weaken. Now I won't! No more contacting, I don't care what is going on with him. I'll wait the months until maybe things change. How do I move on in the mean time? Is this even possible? I try random dating sites and they are all huge let downs of people I have no interest in. Real life is hard since I don't go out much. Call me picky, but I don't like anyone I come across. I cry just thinking of what if another relationship never comes my way?
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Moving on is a process that won't happen until you cut contact. That's your first step. You can't go to step 2, without completing step 1. Well we did initially cut contact. For like 3 months or so. It wasn't until recently that we started talking again and being friends.
lop98 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I agree with metal_chick. I felt just like you, almost feel like I could've written all of that myself during the first month. The idea of dating someone else was crazy at best (disgusting at worst), I knew no one could ever compare to him. My social life was minimal, I just simply wasn't interested in partying with my friends, and my friends often bored more. Like you, the person I dated can't live off technology, he was active in the usual social media, would get back to me in about 3 minutes when in a relationship... every time he ignored me, or replied to me 3 hours later (when being nice), or updated his networks with pictures of a quiet day while I was still waiting for reply... it felt like a stab, I was in tears, I would go to school in tears, come back in tears, sleep little, eat almost nothing, the pain was so deep in my heart, and in my system too, I was physically not well. This lasted up to April, then I went on strict NC. I've never been a disciplined person but when you are in pain, you must grab one of your survival instinct skills and use it to pull through... I forced myself to work out, forced myself to eat, forced myself to sleep at least 8 hours a day (this makes a major difference because the more tired you are, the more intense you feel the pain in my experience), forced myself not to stalk, literally built a calendar to make it day by day without contacting him. I also forced myself to go out with friends, and in one of these nights I met a guy I was attracted to (the kind of attraction where you can recognize he's good-looking and nice but that's about it, I was a sea of tears before and after that party). This guy asked me out some weeks later and I just went with the flow... going with the flow, as out of character as it was for me, has been one of my life-saviors of the past months, you can't "pamper" yourself by staying in or having time to "think", this isn't the time for it, being on my own sucked big time, it was one black hole of tears and chest tightness and a blur (and lots of hours stalking and waiting for a sign) I don't want to ever go back to. Thankfully this guy was very patient, we'd just hang out, then slowly moved on to kisses, etc., it's been a quiet journey with him that feels healthy and amazing. The tears are not going to go away but they will hurt less each time, I promise. Only a couple weeks ago when heading to a night out with this guy, I wiped a couple tears from my eyes, mostly nostalgia of what can't be now, but time puts things in an amazing perspective, it clears everything once you stop counting, once you stop expecting (not blocking his email address or phone number fools the brain- it triggers expectations- you have to block everything in order to come to terms with not receiving and learn to be okay with it). I'm now at a point where I still miss him, he's in my mind all the time (except when I'm with this guy, he has a way of making me forget everything) but I don't want to hear anything from him, I have absolutely nothing to say to him (I do actually but nothing he deserves hearing) and if we're never going to talk again, the idea doesn't kill me, I also know he wasn't good for me, he was bad from the start but the way he treated me afterwards (pretty much like your guy) is the kind of treatment no one deserves, it's cowardliness and extreme immaturity. When you start healing and moving on, you'll see how this isn't something you can simply look over and pretend it was only a rough patch, it's as real as the nicer side and it's toxic. You'll get to a point where you recover and regain self-value and realize you're worthy of so much more. In short, go NC and implement actions to move on as if you were a robot, ignoring the tears, understanding that they're not going to magically disappear and either reconnecting with friends even if you're not dying to, or making new ones, take a foreign language, you name it, something to get you out with new people and everything new people can offer (more new people, new stories, feel-good moments). 1
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 So? You broke the NC. That wipes any progress made in NC off the board. You're back to Step 1. My advice still stands. Step 1, then Step 2. You're going nowhere if you don't do this in the right order... No, I didn't break it. We decided that it was the right time to start talking again. I am past the NC stage. really. 3 or more months is sufficient. That's not the problem here.
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I'm not trying to be harsh, SYBG (Powderfinger fan?) But you are asking for an impossible situation. You cannot try to be friends with someone you feel something more for. Is that really true? That it is impossible? Then what does it mean that he wants to be friends with me? Does he have zero feelings towards me?
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 every time he ignored me, or replied to me 3 hours later (when being nice), or updated his networks with pictures of a quiet day while I was still waiting for reply... it felt like a stab, I was in tears I feel that too and it kills. He one time tried to rationalize why he went on to update his photo, but I know he doesn't care like he used to. He never did something like that when we were going out- hang up the phone and then go make picture updates. It's rude. It also feels like a stab to see him "like" other girls photos. In the meantime he's not talking to me. time puts things in an amazing perspective, it clears everything once you stop counting, once you stop expecting (not blocking his email address or phone number fools the brain- it triggers expectations- you have to block everything in order to come to terms with not receiving and learn to be okay with it). What do you mean it triggers expectations? In short, go NC and implement actions to move on as if you were a robot, ignoring the tears For me the NC period was torture. I hated not being able to communicate at all. I felt a lot better about the situation since we've been talking. I don't want him to be removed from my life completely and I don't want us to become strangers. I can't face that thought.
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 NC is not a 'stage', it's a lifestyle. What exactly is the problem? Are you speaking to him or not? What is your ultimate goal here? I'm still speaking to him. I delete him then go on his fb and get his number again. Plus his name pops up on my phone if he does text. I don't know what the ultimate goal is. To somehow move on without kicking him out of my life completely... It's too sad to think of us as never speaking again permanently or a year from now or something. That depresses me. I hope he's not keeping me in his life to be polite or because he feels bad/guilt. But I really don't know. He could be.
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 It blows my mind how someone who once "supposedly" cared just stops. How can you ignore someone you once cared about? Did you never care? Was it all fake? Any feelings you had went away completely? Am I assuming too much to say you had feelings for me? With the title of a relationship they respond, but once the title is off, they can post pictures and whatever else while ignoring you. They have no interest in talking. It always feels like they are trying to be polite.
lop98 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) I feel that too and it kills. He one time tried to rationalize why he went on to update his photo, but I know he doesn't care like he used to. He never did something like that when we were going out- hang up the phone and then go make picture updates. It's rude. It also feels like a stab to see him "like" other girls photos. In the meantime he's not talking to me. Exactly, and seriously, the more you're there, nagging (which is how he sees it as a result of being immature and just having an ego like all of us), the more uninteresting you become so you lose either way (you're stuck and not healing and, if there were any slim chances of him seeing you in a better light, he won't, because he's reading 'wreck'- that sounds brutal but it's the truth, usual human behavior). What do you mean it triggers expectations? Every morning you keep at least a 0.5 of hope that there will be an email from him or a message. This suspense, as minor as it is, involves expectations, dreams, it keeps you hanging from nothing, suspending any chances to get better. When you remove the source of this suspense (as in blocking all ways for him to reach you, if he was ever going to do it), you have no option but to not expect anything... For me the NC period was torture. I hated not being able to communicate at all. I felt a lot better about the situation since we've been talking. I don't want him to be removed from my life completely and I don't want us to become strangers. I can't face that thought. Because you just did NC and didn't back it up with actions to help you move forward. You basically just cut contact and stood outside the door waiting to see what happened on the other side of the door, you didn't keep walking or checked out what else was out there or took a good look at the mirror and decided to heal. They were 3 useless months, I'm sorry to say. For me, the hardest part was leaving him out of my life, we had been close for 7 years, one of my best friends, I never ever wanted that, it still hurts like hell if I take a moment (even just a couple of minutes) to realize this actually happened and it's not just a bad dream and we're through. Truth is, all the actions (ignoring, being cold, being insensitive, lies) are not even the actions of a friend, these are the actions of someone that's consciously decided to put you out of his life... he doesn't want you there, especially not in the way you want him, and unless you're okay hearing how he had sex with someone else, you're not aiming for friendship either and neither is he, there IS pity involved... and guilt, and by having you there, he feels less responsible, the way you behave makes him feel like it's not such a big deal, afterall you keep sticking around. Cut that off... go NC again and be honest with yourself (does he want you? has he done anything to make you believe he wants things to go back to the way they were? he likely hasn't, so break free, get a plan to get past the pain, become stronger and enjoy your life, trust me... from someone that would hope everyday to just get ran by a car: it is 100% possible). Edited June 5, 2013 by lop98
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