John314 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Just want to thank EVERYONE for sharing and all the great advice here. I am newly into NC and since doing so life is looking much better and I graduated, got a new career started and my dignity and relationships with other people in general (not romantic not ready for that yet) have improved greatly. From reading these threads I realize that I was not in a good spot although I thought I was in love and she was the 'one'. I am beginning to see the truth that I let myself get too much involved in her and lost my own life piece by piece over time. When she turned her back on me, it left a great hole in my life because I revolved myself around her, that is what hurt. Now I have started to enjoy the things I used to, during the breakup I enjoyed nothing. My friends are so happy to see me more often and I have a great inner circle of friends that have rallied around me to keep me on NC and regain my life. The people I am meeting now make me realize that this is a large world and there are caring people I have yet to discover. I don't need to jump into another relationship, I am enjoying getting to know new people, old friends, and family in a different light. Anyway, I will post more about my breakup as I feel like writing my feelings down in a journal (that i didn't share with my ex) has been cathartic and necessary to get through this. I still need more time to heal but it HAS gotten better. Thank you all again for sharing and advising, this community is an excellent resource. 2
Author John314 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 A year ago I met my ex, we both worked together in a tutoring center for a community college. I got excellent grades, worked as a tutor and instructor, and also repaired electronics with two business partners on the side. She was attracted to me because I was a busy man and giving. I didn't need to work at the tutor center, I just wanted to, it paid little but made me feel great to give back to the community. We didn't rush into a relationship, I courted her for a month before things got more serious. Our friends and families supported us greatly in getting together. We took things slow in the bedroom and because of that, by the time we were ready she was begging me to go further. It was bliss, and at that point we were healthy separate people in love. This continued for some time, but I began getting my only free time filled by her and her planning. She would exclusively plan our time with her friends and interests and for a while I didn't miss my former life even though my friends were sending messages like, "where have you been" etc. Since I was so busy with school and two jobs, one of which was my own business, I just chalked it up to the fact that sacrifices have to be made to get one's education. On breaks we would plan trips to see each others families but her's seemed to be more important to make sure we met. We rarely had arguments and when we did we resolved them before going to bed. They were small issues that I couldn't remember but I kept a rule in my head, don't go to bed mad. It worked and we were happy. She told me how rare I was and that none of her friends had a man like me and she had never had one remotely like me. I would go salsa dancing with her and do things that I normally wouldn't think to do, and it was genuinely fun. Later on, I dissolved my business partnership because I found my business partners stealing from the till and using it for drugs. She was hesitant to support me in doing that which I didn't really see any warning sign in that. As supportive as she had always been, she questioned this move which I saw clearly as a good one. After that, I still had saved enough cash to be healthy to finish my degree and felt relieved in many ways as I wasn't working myself to exhaustion all the time and enjoyed expanding my role as a tutor. My grades still were great and although I wasn't making as much money I felt satisfied. At this point she began to say things like, I had lost that sparkle in my eye and wondered if I was getting depressed. Strangely enough at that time we had been talking about marriage and moving abroad for a few years to see the world and even more strange a slow gas leak developed at my house. I began to sleep much more and sometimes skipped class or work because I just felt lethargic. I didn't understand what was happening to me but it was the result of mild carbon monoxide poisoning. She began to text me and call me incessantly and I would feel withdrawn. I couldn't understand why I was getting headaches all the time and felt irritable. Our planning to go abroad seemed to change by the month and I wanted a singular destination to plan for. I began spending money on these plans which was not getting replenished and I began resenting the idea of changing these plans all the time. We decided we would get married within a couple months and have her friend who was ordained marry us so we could leave this fall for Japan. She began to doubt these plans and started to say we should plan to stay in town as a backup. That drove my irritation higher and I told her so, without being mean or calling her names I expressed my concern about it. This made her cancel plans with me for the weekend and she got drunk. I took this hard and felt like something had broken. Little did I know, I had gotten accepted by a university in Tokyo and received enough scholarship and grants to live comfortably in that expensive city which we had been planning for some time. In my loneliness my friends were grateful to have me around suddenly and got me drunk to take my mind off things. By Sunday she had sent me an email congratulating me on the good news but did not come and see me in person. I was still drunk and told her it was over. We never recovered from that. A few days later the gas leak was discovered and repaired. The headaches went away and my mind began to clear and my energy returned. I sent her an apology and begged her to see me in person. She said she didn't know what to think and lost all trust in me. This hit me hard because I made it a point to always be honest with her and she commended me for that often. My life was an open book to her, I never held back when she asked me questions about my past. Now she was telling me that she didn't know if she could believe me about the gas leak and it infuriated me. I never cheated on her, I never did drugs but her past boyfriend was a drug abuser. She would tell me during the relationship that she had her friends spy on me to make sure that I wasn't responding to all the girls that would hit on my in the tutor center. I laughed that off as her trying to make me feel special. One time she found a phone electronic parts baggie in my car and freaked out wondering if it was a baggie for drugs. I felt impaled by this accusation, there is nothing worse than being accused of something that you are not guilty for. When she was wondering if I was telling her the truth about the gas leak it made me mad in the same way, she eventually admitted that she knew I always told her the truth and I gained some peace with that. After that, I was set on trying to get her back and explaining why things turned out the way it did. This is when I found loveshack while I was trying to make sense of it all. If I was really such a rare guy and so supportive, why did she turn her back on me so quickly? The answer is I started to be weak and pathetic in begging for her back and at the same time I was painting a picture of her in my head that was not real. The truth is I am one in a million, and she is a dime a dozen. I am worth fighting for, and if she is indifferent to me, she is not worth fighting for. I was about to be married to her, in fact our wedding would have been last month. In marriage you take a vow, through sickness and health, I see clearly now that she was not ready for that. I think now, what if one of us got a disease or cancer, and started getting moody or irritable? She would have left me before discovering the reason. That is not someone that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't blame her, I don't blame me, we just weren't meant to be and every day I see that more clearly. I am getting back to myself and I will never revolve myself around another person in that way again. All my ex-gf have been the one at fauit, be it leaving me, or cheating on me. All of them after a few months contacted me again and some I even took back for a time. Each time those ended worse than the first breakup. I've learned a lesson from this. This ex I know will contact me, if she does I will not respond. If she really makes an effort to apologize and express a deep love for me I could listen, however I think it will be more like the "hey how are you doing" ego boost/free me of my guilt message. I will not respond to that. She gave up on a strong love, I can't forget that. I deserve better and I will either find better or I will be happy being myself. Feel free to critique this, I know I'm not perfect and I don't care to be. I hope this rant makes some of you stronger, life feels better after writing these feelings out. If you are in a similar boat, take the advice of writing journals or emails and NOT sending them. It helped me a lot to get through this.
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