JoL Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Okay, so this is the story: I have pretty strict parents when it comes to the dating game, even though im 21. They only want me dating guys of the same ethnic background. I have never dated someone of the same background though..thats there rule, not mine. Problem is, to avoid fights in the past i have hid my love life from them and just plain denied relationships to avoid conflict, they found out about a serious relationship i was having, but it ended a couple of months later (not because of them). they werent happy with it, but didnt really have anything bad to say about the guy as a person..just that they wish i could find someone of the same background. I realise now that hiding things is/was not the right thing to do as it just causes more problems and lies. My current bf of 9 months and i are having some seriously major issues in relation to my family stuff. I pretty much stopped hiding him from them and told them i was seeing someone when we had been together for about 6 months. They were calm enough about it, until they got the hint that we were fighting and things wernet goign so well..we werent just fighting about the parents issue, he was finding reasons to fight with me while i was overseas about a million different things. He made me cry hysterically in at least 3 different international airports. He did not raise the parents thing as ever being a problem for him AT ALL until towards the end of my one month trip.. so the day i get back from O.S.: i take the car and disappear for several hours, i then tell my parents why i disappeared. My parents wernet happy about the situation- but not really overly angry or hysterical. during that time my bf and i were having BIG fights (they fights started to become about this issue), i was in tears, always running after him trying to make the situation better (at like 2am one night) he was saying awful things (verbally abusive) i was miserable trying to salvage the relationship. He wanted me to stick it to my parents and basically tell them to get f***ed and it was my life. I told him i had discussed the issue with them and they knew it was my decision who i dated. He said he wanted to see me do something BIG to prove to him that he was important..I was going out of my mind. Since then (its been a couple of months) my mother has overheard us fighting, seen me in tears, had me beg her to let me go and see him because he was making me feel emotionally blackmailed ("if you really cared you'd be here with me in my time of need...")...Basically she has seen me quite miserable and upset and knows its because of fights we had. He has really altered himself in my eyes through the nasty fighting while i was away and soon after i got back. He DID drive me insane and was extremely emotionally abusive..and i put up with it. I have since told him that i wont tolerate such behaviour anymore. My bf is not a bad person overall, he does love me a great deal and does a lot for me, i had told my mother this plenty of times and tried to make her understand that all couples fight (because its not her place to interefere in our issues..)...but she keeps saying he is bad for me and he's just making me miserable and shes my mother, she cant help it..on the flipside.... He keeps saying, if you could stand up to your parents and get through to them instead of just keeping the peace, then i wouldnt be getting upset at you, tell your mother its their fault we fight!...i basically tell him i understand his frustration- but the way he chooses to express it isnt healthy or fair on me. i tell my mum its my life and what i do with it should be up to me alone. Im going out of my mind here.. i feel like my bf wants me to tell my parents to get ****ed because they are manipualting my life.... my parents want me to tell my bf to get ****ed because he is manipulating my life...!!!!! I cant win! Im slowly going crazy!!!!!
Merin Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Is it possible here that you're staying with this guy to spite your parents OR to prove a point? IF this guy is verbally and emotinally abusing you.. then it really doesn't make any difference what his ethnic background is.. trust me a**holes come in all different races and backgrounds.. Your boyfriend obviously had a reason to be angry when you had been keeping him a secret from your parents.. but from what you've said, you rectified that and told your parents about him, and let them know that he is who you choose.. so at this point your boyfriend has unrealistic expectations if he thinks that you are going to somehow change your parents views. However you've also said that your boyfriend just has a knack for finding things to be unhappy about in your relationship and seems to be getting something out of verbally and emotionally abusing you.. that isn't okay period. Don't remain in an unhealthy relationship with ANYONE regardless of thier ethnic background.. if they aren't making you happy and treating you with respect.. then move on. Don't make it about what your parents want, or even what he wants... what do you want?
Author JoL Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 I know, i tell him things arent healthy and he ALWAYS brings it back to my parents, and its their fault and mine for not standing up to them and making him feel special..as in causing a major drama to prove what he wants to see. My parents, on the other hand, argue that NO MATTER how upset a person gets, they shouldnt reduce their gf to tears everytime they have a disagreement.. So both sides blame eachother..it becomes this vicious cycle of blame and im caught in the middle.
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by JoL I know, i tell him things arent healthy and he ALWAYS brings it back to my parents, and its their fault and mine for not standing up to them and making him feel special..as in causing a major drama to prove what he wants to see. My parents, on the other hand, argue that NO MATTER how upset a person gets, they shouldnt reduce their gf to tears everytime they have a disagreement.. So both sides blame eachother..it becomes this vicious cycle of blame and im caught in the middle. Well, while I don't agree with your parents racist belief that you should only date within your ethnic background.. I do agree that your boyfriend shouldn't be making you so upset to the point your in tears.. again, I say regardless of ethnic background, race or religion.. some people are just jackasses.. and it seems your boyfriend is meeting that standard. Don't get caught in the middle.. you've done all you can to "prove" your loyalty to your boyfriend.. and you know as far as I'm concerned at this point he needs to either find resolution for himself and let it go.. OR he needs to let you go. Good Luck
Author JoL Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 Thats the thing, ive told him maybe he needs to find someone a bit less complicated..but he keeps insisting he wants to be with me. But a person can only take so much conflict! I get it from him, and from my parents!
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by JoL Thats the thing, ive told him maybe he needs to find someone a bit less complicated..but he keeps insisting he wants to be with me. But a person can only take so much conflict! I get it from him, and from my parents! Don't allow it to be HIS decision to make.. IF You aren't happy, then it really doesn't matter what HE insist upon. INSIST that he knock his s*** off, OR YOU will find someone less complicated.
Author JoL Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Well, we had another fight about the issue, and this time he decided to end the conversation with "f**k you, you c*nt it's over. Then hung up. THEN proceeded to call me over and over and over, but i refused to take his calls. Im sick of it!
Merin Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by JoL Well, we had another fight about the issue, and this time he decided to end the conversation with "f**k you, you c*nt it's over. Then hung up. THEN proceeded to call me over and over and over, but i refused to take his calls. Im sick of it! Oh Sweetie!!! Don't take his phone calls! he called you a c*nt that isn't okay no matter what! You don't need this bullsh*t!
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