Cierra351 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Hello, everyone, The abridged version of my story is that my husband (together for 12 years) asked me for a divorce about 3 months ago, when I was 20 weeks pregnant with a baby we both had very much wanted. His explanation was he was tired of fighting with me and did not want to bring a child into that environment. I grew up in a happy, 2-parent household, and as that was my paradigm, I was completely devastated and filled with self-hate and guilt for a long time to think that I could have been even partly the cause for my child's broken home. While that may have been partially his reason, I somewhat serendipitously recently learned that he had begun an at least emotional (and possibly physical affair) 2 months prior to our separation with a coworker who herself is married with two young children, complete with "I love you"s and elopement plans. Additionally, he has been meeting people on a dating website since at least one month before we separated. It's been a difficult road so far. I left our home immediately and moved in with my mother because I knew I couldn't afford to keep up the mortgage payments and bills on my own as a full-time graduate student. Despite promising to support me through school, he immediately took me off our joint account, and I have gotten limited support from him, only after using the last of my savings to draft and file a legal separation agreement that protected my and the baby's interests (after he agreed to pay 1/2 of the lawyer costs, which he hasn't yet). I have secured some employment and financial aid this summer that will allow me to support us and take over possession of the house in July, a few weeks before the baby is born, which gives me some hope. I will be able to finish school and work full-time in July 2014, so I just need to survive until then. Whereas he didn't show any interest in me or the baby for the past 3 months and had previously agreed to visit him at my home while he was an infant, he now is adamant about taking him on his own during his parenting time, which makes me very nervous; however, I know I have little to no control over this. In one of our only conversations about the baby, his two other concerns are 1) that he be the 1st person to hold the baby once he is born (my mother will be present at his birth) and 2) that I understand that "others" will be around the baby, which is somewhat indicative of where is his mind/motivation is. He is not the same man who was my husband a few months ago. I'm struggling with the emotions of divorce and grieving over the loss of my marriage, while at the same time having all the usual anxieties at becoming a first-time mother, especially single. I am at critical point in my graduate studies where I also need to put a lot of focus on that, and I don't want to sacrifice the years I have put in so far because I am distracted and suffering, but it is so hard to concentrate right now. I don't know that I have any specific questions. Thank you for reading and allowing me a place to vent.
eleve82 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Hi Cierra, I am so sorry to hear of this predicament.. It is indeed one of the worst scenarios one could possibly think of. The most important thing now is to try to get support from the people around you. I have single mother friends who raised their child successfully, with the support of their families whilst going through university so this is definitely possible. It is the emotional aspect of it that is hardest to bear (combined with the physical stress). Because these issues are going to take time to resolve, here is where it will be useful to try to tackle issues, one at a time. Write down what needs to be done, in order of priority. Your graduate studies seem one of the most important to secure your future and your child's so that might be your first priority. Do not let yourself sit still and start let all your problems overwhelm you at once (and if you do, have a good cry and then get down to tackling the tasks). Find out if your family can help ease the pressure of finances. Spend some quality time with you girlfriends to get emotional support. If you break tasks down into manageable sizes and focus only on the resolute achievement of the goals, you may not even have time to think of your lousy ex husband Finally, realise that this is NOT your fault! While it takes two to tango to create problems, he clearly did not have long term resilience, devotion and character to work at problems. Such people give up at the first sign of problems, and move on to greener pastures without remorse. He is not the kind of person who will stick by his future partner's side when the honeymoon period is over and the reality of working at relationships settle in. It is his loss and you need to remember that and believe it with all heart - you have done nothing wrong to your child! If you need to vent, come back on and let us know how you are doing - there are people who will listen! At least, I will! Wishing you love and luck 2
coaches24 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 So sorry to hear about your situation. Your H sounds like a douche. Hang in there and try to remember that no matter how bad things feel now they will eventually get better. Concentrate on your baby and give him/ her all the love you can and let him/ her grow up knowing nothing but happiness. 1
WreckedDan Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I'm terribly sorry to hear that you are going through this, Make sure to keep eating right through this, stress can mess with your appetite so nake sure you eat and eat well. What a mess. I'll be reading... keep spending tine with family through this. Dan 1
Author Cierra351 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Thank you for your kind responses. It means so much to me in a time when my self-esteem has really taken a hit and my pregnancy hormones, along with the pain over being left, have me on a constant roller coaster of emotion. However, I really appreciate all your support, and your words and validation were incredibly helpful to me. Eleve, I especially found helpful what you said about breaking it all into manageable tasks - it is so easy to get overwhelmed right now with everything I have to fit into a short amount of time with little help. I'm lucky to have the support of my amazing mother; although she is suffering from some health problems right now, she is always quick to step up and help in any way she can. My brother and sister-in-law, although they live 2 hours away, have also offered me a lot of emotional support. I am trying to reach out to others who are going through divorce or single motherhood (or both), at the recommendation of my grief counselor, but am having trouble finding connections. I look forward to participating more in these boards when I can.
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