StephanieLynn1982 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 OK, so I met this guy last weekend through a few mutual friends. I'm about to inquire a little bit more about him through my close friends... About him: - He's 33 years old. - Extremely good looking, tall, looks like he's 25 yrs. old, and he's in shape. - Great job, works at a Big Ten University The red-flags that I found out him... - Had a kid with his ex-girlfriend at age 21 right after college. Broke up with his girlfriend when the child was 2. Still has contact with child...but he lives alone and the child lives 9 hours away from him. His ex-girlfriend does not collect child support from him. - Was married a couple of years ago and he's now divorced. The marriage lasted 3 years and he had no children with his ex-wife. So, yes...he's been through a bit...but everyone tells me that he's a pretty good guy and he has a lot of free time. With what he's been through...do think this guy is worth a look? Should I look elsewhere? 1
shexy Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Everyone has baggage... There could be good reasons for all of that stuff - being divorced really isn't taboo in this day and age is it? I would wonder why he's not paying child support - I probably would have asked him why. 2
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I never got the chance to ask him why...I talked him briefly about some general things and I really liked him at first sight. It's just that, at age 31, I have yet to meet a guy in his 30's that lives completely alone and isn't dating anyone! 1
Estate Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 OK, so I met this guy last weekend through a few mutual friends. I'm about to inquire a little bit more about him through my close friends... About him: - He's 33 years old. - Extremely good looking, tall, looks like he's 25 yrs. old, and he's in shape. - Great job, works at a Big Ten University The red-flags that I found out him... - Had a kid with his ex-girlfriend at age 21 right after college. Broke up with his girlfriend when the child was 2. Still has contact with child...but he lives alone and the child lives 9 hours away from him. His ex-girlfriend does not collect child support from him. - Was married a couple of years ago and he's now divorced. The marriage lasted 3 years and he had no children with his ex-wife. So, yes...he's been through a bit...but everyone tells me that he's a pretty good guy and he has a lot of free time. With what he's been through...do think this guy is worth a look? Should I look elsewhere? Personally I wouldn't judge. You don't know what happened... it might not have been all him and the fact that he got away from bad situations may be a POSITIVE thing. I'll give you a story. At 20, I dated a very mentally unstable girl. I really didn't realise how much at first but as she became more and more unstable I had to end things, it was majorly impacting on my life. She was acting very weird near the end about sex. She was insisting on unprotected sex even though and her weird behaviour led me to believe she wasn't take her pill though she said she was. There's a LOT more to the story but it gets weird... fast. So I eventually get the courage to stand by my guns and end it for good. Of course the following week she declared she was pregnant. Being a nice guy I believed her, she continued the act for a few months until all her stories began to fall apart, nothing she said made sense, there was no "proof" of a pregnancy, she'd say she remained thin because she was starving herself so her family wouldn't know. All her doctors visits were in secret or a time I wasn't there or whatever.... Anyway, obviously I figured it out... and she went even MORE crazy after this. Once I fainlly got her to leave me alone about a year later she quickly hooked up with another guy, got pregnant and forced him to marry her. He seems like an ok but naive guy. But it could have been me. I could have let "love" blind me to her tricks, she obviosuly was TRYING to get pregnant when things were on the rocks. But I'm just saying... I sometimes think back. Could I actually have stayed with the girl forever? Of course I'd love my child... but this girl had serious problems, she was causing major problems in my life, her own was a mess. I was lucky I didn't get stuck in that situation but if I had... I have to wonder... what if I HAD to walk away eventually and not be with her... I'm still the same guy right now, ok, so I would have a kid from a bad relationship a long time ago... but I don't feel things not being good were on me... what would a girl think of me NOW? She might think badly of it, but I hope not without knowing the REAL reasons for it all. 2
Forever Learning Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 You should treat him like anyone you would want to get to know - take it slow and don't rush into sex. How about after the first meeting, post back here to get input regarding what he tells you about himself. See if you guys click at all. I think that's a decent plan for starters.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It doesn't much matter what we think. What matters is what you are looking for. Do you know what you want out of dating? Do you know what qualities matter to you in a man?What are your deal breakers? Start there and worry less about whether others would approve. You are the one who will live with the consequences of dating him. Make sure that he is a reasonable choice for you. Finally, out of curiosity, is he interested in you? You don't say. Just that he is in his 30's, single, employed, and living independently...which you have had a hard time finding. 1
Appleness Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 While the red flags are there, baggage is defined more by HOW he deals with it. In other words, does he own up to his issues? (If you don't know, then ask) If his responses put blame on the other party/society/his family/ anyone else but himself, then YES, he has baggage. However, if he has worked through his problems and 1) acknowledges the part he played in the situation and 2) he has thought out how he will put it behind him and not drag down subsequent partners into whatever mess he's in now (and hopefully not make any new drama). 1
Forever Learning Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 While the red flags are there, baggage is defined more by HOW he deals with it. In other words, does he own up to his issues? (If you don't know, then ask) If his responses put blame on the other party/society/his family/ anyone else but himself, then YES, he has baggage. However, if he has worked through his problems and 1) acknowledges the part he played in the situation and 2) he has thought out how he will put it behind him and not drag down subsequent partners into whatever mess he's in now (and hopefully not make any new drama). Wow! Wonderful advice!
GilianaK Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I am wondering why you wrote "but he lives alone and the child is 9 hours away". I see nothing wrong with a grown man living alone. It sounds perfectly normal to me. And what is your issue with the child being 9 hours away? It seems that you are looking for red flags and hoping to find them. Take your time slowly getting to know him and see if he takes personal responsibility for his life and acts like a grown man, emotionally mature.
Jon Tenzo Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Sounds like the dude is extremely lucky and dodged not one but two bullets! He may not be paying child support because either a) The GF knew he didn't want kids at the time and purposely got pregnant to try and get him to stay, then realized she was an idiot and now is playing the "Independent woman" b) It isn't really his kid and she cheated on him: JERRY, JERRY!!!
charlietheginger Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Some women dont take support when they do they Have to share custody. I have a friend that wants his son to come over for Springbreak and the summer he has been fighting For custody being shared. The mother refuses any Child support and money this allows her full custody And she is happy with her new husband and don't Want the son being bounced around. How every if he sends gifts and comes visits when she Allows he can see his son. She has her reasons , she likes control . Dont want The father to spoil the son all summer and talk the Son into moving in with him...... Many times the kids are tugged and pulled on by mom And dad. She herself might be from a broken home.
truth_seeker Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 From my experience dating a woman who was twice divorced... too much baggage. He's 33 and divorced twice. He failed at marriage with two women. It seems he's a great catch at first but then something causes him to break it off with women. It's either him losing interest in these women or the women started to see something in him to break away from him. The woman I dated for a bit seemed like a great catch at first but then once I started to get to know her, I could see why she had failed marriages. I think the red flags are there for a reason. I would stay away from him. Yea, he may look great, seem great, but do you want to get hurt?
TheGuard13 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Seems kind of silly to assume that everything wrong in the marriage was him, and not also related to the two women. Just saying.
O'Malley Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It's hard to determine anything tangible when you're still in the intial 'seems good on paper' stages. Meet up with him, see how things progress from there. It's also normal to have both curiosity and a sense of caution about aspects of relationship with his child - why he isn't paying child support and why he chooses to live a significant distance from his 12 year old. I second Appleness' comment about having the ability to own up to the mistakes and the choices you've made. Part of the process of becoming a well adjusted individual is using common sense and compromise when it comes to addressing issues - not blaming the family court system, the ex(es), or society at large for them. Something to keep in mind.
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 He failed at marriage with two women. It seems he's a great catch at first but then something causes him to break it off with women. OK I just got done texting a friend about him. He never married the girlfriend he had a child with...but they are on good terms and they talk everyday. He never had a child with the women he divorced. So he's only been divorced once. He initiated both breakups. His ex-wife was apparently a huge b*tch so he left her. His ex-girlfriend (mother of his child) he just didn't have a lot in common with and they weren't really compatible. So he lives all alone. I'm going to pass my number over to him...wish me luck!
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