I am tired of hurting

[head/heels]

that is doing the right thing!!!!!!!!!just go out and get help and dont look back.....these type of exs can never be happy unless they fix themselves first and he is by no means fixed himself and does not seem to want to !!!!!!!!!!!

AND REALIZE YOU CANT HELP HIM OR HELP HIM FIX HIMSELF OR FIX HIM.............HE HAS TO COME TO IT ON HIS OWN WITH ONLY HIM MAKING THE DESICISION----only thing you could do is be there to support him, but that is not even a question right now since he is not worthy of your toe lint....really...he doesnt deserve your toe lint!!!

 

I AM IN SIMILAR SITUATION AND CANT BELIEVE AFTER 4 YEARS SHE WOULD/ COULD EVER DO THIS TO ME>...but she did and she is not going to ever have a chance back in my life....she didnt cheat but with how quick she started talkign to another guy, she might as well have....vamoose!

[Think too much]

Statsgirl,

 

When I read your posts it's almost like I wrote them. I feel exactly the same way you do. It's so crazy how similar our situation is. I understand and feel your pain.

 

I think it's great that your seeking professional help. Don't look at it as caving in. Nothing is wrong with needing and wanting to talk to someone. You sound like you are a very strong and independent individual. You can make it through this.

 

Please keep me updated. I would love to know if counseling works. I have thought about it but I guess I am scared to face my pain.

[statsgirl]

Think too much,

 

I know we are going through the same thing as just about everyone else on this site. Funny thing is, i never met anyone in my whole life who went through this. My friends all have healthy relationships. I know a girl at my job who lives with a guy who treats her badly and she keeps making excuses why she can't leave him. I sometimes think i am no better than she is, but her problem is that she is too afraid to live alone, and she never stood up to this man that she lives with. I stood up to my guy which is why we were always arguing. I never had hard proof until fairly recently. Although that is not a good excuse either bc i knew in my heart that it was wrong. I kept holding on, fighting to try to make it right.

 

I talked to him today. I told him that he knew i was better than having this done to me. I told him that i said a long time ago, "if you find someone else that you want to be with, that's fine bc i understand how things can change, but let me know that you want to move on, don't cheat on me". I then reminded him that i did NOT say if he meets someone, just let me know that i will become a worthless booty call for him in between this girl visiting him from 6 hours away, and i will keep clear of her so she doesn't find out about me. I told him that he obviously made his choice and i hope he is happy with it, but if he ever had a shred of respect for me, please be considerate and not make me have to watch him parade around with this girl with a gleaming smile on her face bc she thinks he is so great, bc he makes her feel like she is so special. He and I both know that he is starting something with this girl based on a lie, so don't throw her in my face bc i will enlighten her if he does.

 

I asked him one last time if he is sure that this is what he wants. He said yes and i hung up on him. When he came to work for the afternoon shift, he looked at me and i walked away. I sent him an email assuring him that he would never hear from me again. It hurts so much, but i feel better knowing i am going to talk to someone. I had no one else to talk to besides him. We were together for 5 years, and no one at work ever knew about us. We kept it professional at work. We didn't want to be scrutinized by ignorant coworkers. We are also both very private people. I can't do this one by myself and i am not ashamed to admit it. I ask myself why i let it get this bad, and i don't have the answer to this problem. That is how i know that talking to an objective professional is the right thing for me at this point in my life. I may uncover a lot of things that will help me find a healthier relationship the next time around. I learned a lot, but i need to find out more about my own shortcomings so that i make sure i don't unconsciously make the same mistakes again.

 

Accepting that it is over is not the worst of it. The worst is grieving over what he put me threw and the part i played in letting myself get hurt like this in the first place. Don't get me wrong, i don't blame myself and inflict punishment on myself. But, I am just so devastated when i think of how nice he is being to this person, and she is just melting for him, just like i did. I was pregnant by him once and lost the baby. We have both been there for each other through very tough, personal situations. It was a very interdependent relationship. He just threw me away for a girl who will visit him once in a while. A 6 hour trip is not around the corner. But he chose to see her and be with her over me, after all we had been though. I have never been this perturbed. I think about it way too much. The best thing is to get it out, and seeking help is the only outlet i have available to me right now. I thank God there is someone who can get me through this bc i feel like i could grieve forever. I have lived through ongoing emotional abuse, and i didn't even consciously realize it. I want to move on and find the feeling of PEACE!!!!

 

I called for an appointment, but the doc was out. I will call again on Mon, but i am sustained through the weekend bc i am sure in my heart that i don't want to talk to him again. I feel strongly about moving on, and don't think so much anymore that i wish it would just go away and that we could just be together. I have grown up a lot lately.

 

I will let know what happens after i talk to her.

 

Again, thank you for your encouragement,

I hope you are getting along well.

[Think too much]

Statsgirl,

 

I am glad you talked to him. I hope it helped with a little closure. I am sure it hurt a little bit too. I don't know about you but I talked with my ex by email a few times after the break up it helped with closure and realizing it was really over but it hurt at the same time. It makes you realize it really is over. It hurts to know you have been replaced. It feels so good to be loved by someone and then to have them treat you so terrible is the worst pain in the world.

 

I was pregnant once with my ex baby too. I didn't even know I was preg when my ex and I broke up the first time. I had a miscarriage because I was under so much stress. I went through it all alone at the doctors office. It was so hard and after that we ended up getting back together for about five more months then that's when it ended for good. After the final break up he said after the first break up he never had hope that it would last. I don't understand why he came back in the first place. Probably because he felt guilty for not being there through the baby thing. If he would have told me that sooner I would not have waisted so much time with him.

 

We were pretty private in our relationship too. He is more outgoing than me. I have always been shy and liked my privacy. I don't trust very many people so the people that I do let in my life are very close. Most of the time we spent together was alone. We were each others best friend. It's hard to cope when you loose what you thought was your best friend.

 

I am sorry you have to see your ex at work. I can understand how that feels. I hate living next door to my ex. When I get home I shut all my blinds and don't leave unless I have too. I hate seeing his new gf car. It puts so many thoughts in my head. I get jealous. Then I get angry at myself for getting jealous. I will be having a good day realizing I am happy to have him out of my life...I am happy I saw this other side of him before we got married and had kids then when I see his truck or him outside hugging her or anything that has to do with him it brings back all the terrible feelings again. I know I deserve better. It's just a never ending cycle of emotions. I feel like even though it is over he still has control over me.

 

I can't wait until I can find peace too. I can't wait until I can sleep at night and not lay there thinking about him. I can't wait until I can find someone that treats me right. I know it takes time. I am doing better than I was a couple of months ago. I just want him to stop haunting my mind, heart and soul.

 

Please let me know if it helps talking to someone. I am thinking about calling someone too. I can't keep living my life like this.

[sttak]

hey, I know exactly how it feels to hurt, and how it feels to cry.

getting over someone that you have loved, and given up so much for is one of the hardest things you can do.

I've learnt from experience that there is such a thing as true love, it may take years, and many broken hearts to finally get to it, but once you do.. you realise that the journey is worth it!

take everything as an oppertunity to learn, and grow.

no matter how much pain you're in rite now... time will heal all. you don't deserve to be treated badly, and you never should allow yourself to be in that position.

its easier said then done, i know, but you need to get over this guy. look into your mirror, and see the beautiful, strong, independant woman standing infront ot you! you don't need a scum back like him.. all you need is will power and confidence. you will soon be back up on your feet, and will have hoards of men wanting to be with you. and then you can look back and say "HAH! I DON'T NEED YOU!"

It's a wonderful feeling.. and you deserve to feel it. but only you can bring yourself to that point.. and with time, you will:)

[statsgirl]

think too much,

 

Your situation is very similar to mine. You really do understand. You said it has been months and it still has a hold on you. We have been breaking up for 6 months now. I am no better now than i was back then bc i have to work with him. I just can't take the pain anymore. I know in my mind what the right way to think is. I know i am too good for him and for all he put me through, ect..., however, I cannot get the way i feel to align with the way i think. That is why i called a counselor. I will meet with her on thurs. I felt better after i spoke with her on the phone and made the appointment. I want to heal and move on. I feel better knowing that she is going to help me.

 

I have accomplished so many great things in my life. I have a lot of things to be proud of. It is not like i am a loser. I just don't get why i am failing so miserably at letting go. My main problem is though, that i really don't want to let go. That is why i need help. I wish we could be back together, with him finding a new found respect for me. It hurts so much bc i know he can't. He is a perpetual cheater. He has feelings for me, but he is afraid of commitment, and being bogged down by one person. At least i can say that i got the longest period of monogamy out of him than any other woman he has ever been with. We truly were very close. His demons came out in the end. He has bigger problems than i do bc he will end up miserable. No worthwhile woman will stay with him while he fulfills his need to sleep around. I started dating him bc he proved to me(at the time) that he was tired of the running around and he really wanted to be close to me. I did get that from him for a long time.

 

He was very special to me. I appreciated having him in my life. At work today he said he was interested in calling me. That is what kills me. He doesn't really want to let go, but he can't give me what i need from him....loyalty. Part of me wants him to call me so badly so we can be together. That is why i need this help. I need to stop this vicious, dysfunctional cycle. I will let you know how it goes.

[Think too much]

Statsgirl,

 

Your stronger than me. I guess I should be happy that my ex didn't talk to me after it ended. Our relationship was unhealthy but addicting at the same time. It would have been very hard to not go back. Hang in there. I know you work with him but try to not even talk to him.

 

If you need to vent I will be here. I completely understand how you feel.

[statsgirl]

think too much,

 

i can't say i am stronger than you. That is why i am asking someone to help me. But i think i just realize that he does not place much value on me as an important part of his life or he wouldn't choose to have other women even if it means losing me. His choice would be for me to get in line at the revolving door of his house. I had a tough weekend. After going to work and making an appointment to see a counselor, i don't feel as desperate. I do know one thing. I value me, even if he doesn't. I had to find my way out of my despair long enough to remember that.

 

I have read a lot of posts on this site to see if any one else can really relate to me and maybe have answers for as to how i can get out of this black hole i am in. I gotta tell you. I think the people who reach out on this site, which is what made me comfortable reaching out, are smart, normal people. The many posts i have read seem to have a couple of things in common which is what i think puts us in the desperate situations we find ourselves in. Most of the posts i read are from people who gave the most in the relationship, are fairly isolated now that the ex is gone bc they devoted themselves to that person, we become compulsive(which i think is natural) with phone calls, asking ourselves "why", wondering what we did wrong, feeling afraid of being so alone, afraid of how long we will feel this grief, and afraid of being hurt like this again should we find someone else.

 

As badly as i am grieving(i still cry everyday bc i lost something that meant so much to me), i am learning and maturing. I am learning to set boundaries, or limits, as to how far i would let something like this go in the future. I am maturing bc i am becoming more self disciplined. I do not allow myself to lose it at work. I stick my nose to the grindstone as they say, and i get my work done. It is a healthy distraction as well.

 

I try to find the positive. I remember the good times. If they were all bad, what there be to miss? The hardest part is dealing with what he took away from me that meant the most to me. I had him to look forward to when i knew the weekend was coming. We would spend time together most weekends. The weekends are going to be my hardest challenge to get through.

 

I am mostly venting here, but if it helps anyone at all, then it was worth it. If it doesn't, then thanks for reading anyway.

[Think too much]

Statsgirl,

 

It is encouraging to hear from someone that has been treated so terrible but still has a strong will power to stay so positive. It is sad that there are so many people out there that have been hurt so bad but it's good that we can all share our experiences and feelings with people that we can relate. to.

 

After the break up I tried to just focus on the good thoughts from the past. I do cherish those times but I've decided for me it's best to not think about those right now. It makes me miss him even more. I try to keep the thoughts out of my head as much as possible. Weekends are very hard and lonely for me too. I hate to be alone because all I do is sit there and try to not think about my ex. Every time he pops in my head I tell myself that I deserve better and he is missing out. It helps. There are days I cry constantly and then there are days I am happy again.

 

My biggest problem right now is I loose it when I see his gf car at his house. It puts so many thoughts in my head. I start wondering if he kisses her the same way he did me or tells her he loves her... AAHH it kills me. Those thoughts are the hardest to try to control. I wish the looser would move out of his parents house. I have thought about selling my house to try to start all over but I feel like that would be giving in to him. I've worked so hard to get where I am. Why should I give it up and start over bc of a man?

 

I can't wait until I can wake up make it through an entire day and not have pain. I can't wait until the bad thoughts of him are gone and I can remember the good without hurting. It will come with time but the healing process can be so slow.

 

I think it's great that you are so positive at work. Good for you! Keep your head up.

 

Keep me informed on how your doing. Let me know if it helps to talk to a counselor.

[Bubbles]

Are your houses right next door to each-other?

 

Bubbles

[Think too much]

yes unfortunately it is. Plus his bedroom window faces my carport. I know this sounds dumb but I close my eyes and try to not even look that way when I have to get in my car to leave or when I come home. I can't help but look to see if his gf car is over there when I pull in the driveway... I hate it! It really slows down the healing process.