Think too much Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 It's been two and a half months since my ex bf dumped me. I have more better days than bad now but the bad days are so hard. Today is an extremely bad day. I live next door to him. His new girlfriend is always over there. I try to stay in my house as much as possible because I don't want to see her car and know that she spent the night. I don't want to feel the pain any more. I know he left me for her and that hurts. I tell myself I do not want him and I deserve better but it doesn't stop the pain. I would move if I could but it's not an option right now. I have always had a low self esteem but this seems to have made it worse. How do you make the pain stop? I know everyone needs to take the time to grieve but I feel more like this is torture. My ex knows that I will see her over there and I can't help but think he is hurting me on purpose. I know he needs to go on with his life and so do I but it's hard to do when you see the person you thought you would spend your life with another women.
Naive Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 I would hate to be in your situation because it's one thing to break up with someone and hear that they are with someone else, but when you see it happening, THAT'S A B*TCH!!! Go out have fun and hang out with friends. Do things to keep him out of your head. I don't know how long you were with him and if you guys were real close, but if you were then tell him that it hurts you to see him bring her there and if he can be a little more considerate of your feelings. If he's a good guy he will understand. Time will heal all your wounds.
Author Think too much Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 Thank you naive_2001, I appreciate the reply. I was with him for a year and a half. He told me all the time about how he wanted to marry me blah.. blah blah.. (all the stuff they say to win you over) then someone else came along. He ended us by text messaging and then ignored me. His new gf car was at his house two days after we broke up. I know I deserve better but it still hurts to know that I trusted and loved him and he treated me like sh*t in the end. I emailed him and told him it hurts to see her over there but he doesn't care. I know I can make it through this but it sure is hard.
Bubbles Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Hold your head up high GIRL! This is how your self-esteem is going to be built - now is the time! You are better than either of them! You put your ALL into the relationship and you know you were a good girlfriend to him - so you have value. He is NOT the only man in the world who thinks you are attractive! You have much more to offer than a sad face and a broken heart......time heals every-thing just wait to see! There are Rainbows ahead of you! Keep smiling girl! Bubbles
Naive Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Originally posted by Think too much Thank you naive_2001, I appreciate the reply. I was with him for a year and a half. He told me all the time about how he wanted to marry me blah.. blah blah.. (all the stuff they say to win you over) then someone else came along. He ended us by text messaging and then ignored me. His new gf car was at his house two days after we broke up. I know I deserve better but it still hurts to know that I trusted and loved him and he treated me like sh*t in the end. I emailed him and told him it hurts to see her over there but he doesn't care. I know I can make it through this but it sure is hard. You know what, this should prove what kind of scum bag he is. You would think that after 1 year he would at least spare your feelings, but now he is that girl's scum bag to worry about. He actually did you a favor. I would not doubt that in a few he will be doing the same to this girl. Like I said before, go out have fun, hang out with friends and family. If you can take a vacation, even if it's just a mini vacation. It will take time, but you will be good and when a good guy comes around you will know how to distinguish him and value him because of this jerk! There's always a bright side to everything
Author Think too much Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 Yes he definitely is a scum bag. You think that knowing that would help me not feel so much jealousy and pain. Sometimes it helps to remind myself of his true colors. I feel like I wasted over a year of my life because I never knew the real him but oh well.... Live and learn. It just doesn't feel like there really is true love out there. I wonder if there really is such a thing.
Naive Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Oh girl there is!!!!! Believe me and when you find it you will be like, "scum .... who?"
Lainie Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 You need some time out. I'm so sorry for your situation. You said you can't move, so that must be so hard for you being next door to witness this. Is there any way that you can go and house sit for somebody then? Maybe your locked into your apartment contract, and rather than breaking it, maybe you could swap houses with friends for a while. I don't know. IF you do this, youmust be very careful who you get, i suggest doing this with friends only, for now. Maybe you can go visit friends or family mid-week and weekends, and stay there for a little while. You need some distance from all of this because then you can never clear your head and make any progress. He's a pig for displaying this slut in front of you, why doesn't he move out? I know that this is very difficult, but at least when you see him, don't show any upsetness to his face. Show him that you don't give a F***. Wear sunglasses to hid the swollen eyes if you need to. But hang in there little tiger! We're all thinking of you, you have support!!
Author Think too much Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 Thank you Lainie, I own my house and it's a pretty big change to move. I have looked into selling it and starting all over. It's a big change to make right now. My ex still lives with his parents. I keep hoping he will move but he will probably live there forever. I am going on a mini vacation next week it will be nice to get away.
on the edge Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 oh boy do i know how you feel! it's been almost a month since my soon to be ex and i have separated. we were married almost 11 years-with about 90% of those 11 years being full of lies, financial disaster, emotional and mental abuse. you would think that since i am the one who initated the divorce i would be happy. i am, i know it is the right way to go, but i have my bad days too. i have days where i feel like i'm the only "single" person on the face of the earth and even if down the road if i do meet another, how are you able to fully trust again? will true love ever come my way? but, bubbles is right! it's time to hold our heads up high! we do deserve so much better! in fact i printed off bubbles' reply to carry in my purse for hope, inspiration and courage. a mini "vay-cay" sounds great! go spoil yourself and whatever you do...have fun!!!! start looking to towards the rainbows! we can do it! *hugs*
niko1999 Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 WEll, I know how you feel. As what I think is a recent break up(We havent offically broken up), I feel your pain so well right now. Except I live with him. The only reason I would stay in the area is becuase I like being close to work and I like the area. He told me he has thought about marrying me, but apparently IM not wife material. And "not to say in three days that might change" WTF! So I SOOO feel your pain. If you need to talk, let me know. All the hugs I can give you.... (and bunnies too) NIcole
indicolite Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 it took me a while to get over the ex because he brought her back to the city after we broke up..and they moved in together in an apt less than a mile away. on top of that, they both got temp jobs at my workplace so it was hell with her calling me all the time--pure hell! i truly believe it would not have taken so long if i had not been so seething at work, and distracted...work is an escape from home and in this case it was not. so it is not fair but it is your house and why should you move. my ex had said it was not to hurt me, but that they had no other place to work...deep down i know this is true though what a s:hit he was to bring all that upon me. i think once they have someone new, they just remove themselves --it is easier because of the new love you know. but hang in there--you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, having a house and all for yourself. you don;t need a man like that--he would have leeched off of you, i mean he will never move away from home. so he would prob say, well it's not intentional--it is his family house and he has nowhere else to go. , blah blah. betcha he does this again to someone else so just be glad you got out before he sucked the life and finances out of you! it takes a long time though to recover...give it time.
Author Think too much Posted October 8, 2004 Author Posted October 8, 2004 On the edge- That has got to be pretty tough to divorce after 11 years and to find out most of it was lies. I am sorry for your pain. I am so happy that I found LS. It's so nice to talk to people and share your feelings with people that understand. Bubbles did have some great advice. Hang in there. It will get easier. niko1999- Did he tell you your not wife material? If he said that then that is terrible. Why would he be with you and live with you? Have you been dating long? I just don't understand some men. Are there really any good ones out there? If there is where are they?? indicolite- I could not imagine working with my ex lit a lone his new gf. That would crush me. My work is the only escape I have from my ex. I go out with friends but there is always a reminder of my ex as soon as I pull in the driveway. I see his truck or her car... AAAHH. The way I see it is that this hurts so much and once we make it through this we will be such a stronger and better person. You can't go through this much pain and not learn and grow. Hang in there.
Bubbles Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 Awwwwww you guys you have no idea how happy you both just made me! I'm glad to have helped Bubbles
niko1999 Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Yeah, we have been dating for over two years, living together for one and a half. He told me this mmmm, three nights ago? Four nights ago? And a month previous, he was like, you know this isnt a forever thing, then turns around, and says, I havent lost hop that this is forever, I dont feel there is a fatal flaw in this relationship. GRRRRR. So I am still here, spinning around, sick today, so I cant go away(all my freinds live far away). But keep us updated. Everything will work out, it always does.
niko1999 Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Yeah, we have been dating for over two years, living together for one and a half. He told me this mmmm, three nights ago? Four nights ago? And a month previous, he was like, you know this isnt a forever thing, then turns around, and says, I havent lost hop that this is forever, I dont feel there is a fatal flaw in this relationship. GRRRRR. So I am still here, spinning around, sick today, so I cant go away(all my freinds live far away). But keep us updated. Everything will work out, it always does.
lemur5555 Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 i don't understand all the in-your-face disrespect that you all have been shown, one (think too much) having your ex living next door and completely ignoring your feelings just after a break-up by having some new chick stay over leaving her car outside for you to constantly be reminded of your pain and the other (indicolite) having your ex as well as his new girlfriend work as TEMPS in the same office... what these exes and their new "loves" are doing is completely unconscious! it's as though none of them have any sense of what it means to be human, let alone what it means to love or be loved. both of you should consider yourselves lucky to have been freed, whether it was voluntary or not, from these "men"!!!!!!!!! think too much, get out of the house -- do anything but stay inside... focusing on working out after a break-up has always been constructive for me personally. one, it gets you out and about, interacting with a community of people who are interested in making themselves healthier if not just physically, mentally as well. second, frustration and/or confusion (why me? when will this end? where is the light at the end of the tunnel?) can be fuel for pushing yourself that extra mile on a track or lifting the next heavier weight on a machine in a gym. not only do you get out of the house when you need it most transforming your sad energy into something that will work for you by making you feel good about yourself when you are done (achieving a goal), but you will have just that much MORE confidence when and if you do happen to bump into them someday, because you will be looking and feeling pretty damn fine about yourself, confidence in yourself is extra attractive because it radiates from the inside-out...no more low self-esteem and it shows! indicolite, if you are not a permanent employee at this place, go to your temp agency and find something else...that's what temp agencies are for, looking around, testing the waters in new environments...use the situation to YOUR advantage and find something better with an added perk, not seeing them day-in and day-out. if you are a permanent employee, get that loser and his new girlfriend to understand in a way that completely empowers you, that they need to take advantage of their temporary status and find jobs elsewhere. it's the "right" thing for them to do...it sounds like they are just lazy, not to mention inconsiderate. gross! ok, ok, i am not without need of some support, i found this site today and feel supported already just from reading what others have been going through, many situations similar to my own or at least feelings that are similar...i just recently broke up with someone who was incredibly disrespectful, dishonest to the point of being a socio-path and verbally and emotionally abusive for about 2 years. it started out as friends, then once you begin caring for someone, especially a dysfunctional someone, they are really good at what they do and they take all they can for as long as they can - it's all about "power and control" for them. no, i have not made it to the gym yet, it's only been a few days. it takes a lot of courage to finally put your foot down and say you are not allowed to treat me the way you have been, i know i am better than how i'm currently being treated, i value myself and love myself more than you ever could...a b cya, if you know what i mean. it still hurts, even though i was the one who did the final walking away/breaking up. my eyes fill with water every time i think of the empty words/promises and wonder why??? the truth is so much easier, isn't it? and the trust issues... how does anyone begin to trust again? thanks for listening...
Author Think too much Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 Lemurr5555, Wondering why is the worst pain. Do you believe things happen for a reason? I do. I always believed I met my ex for a reason. I believed that is was meant to be. Now that I am no longer with him I have to remind myself that us ending was meant to be even though it hurts. Things that are meant to be are not always forever or don't always end with a happy ending the way we would like to believe they would. I still believe I was supposed to meet him and be with him. I do not condone the way he treated me in the end but it helped make me who I am today. I am learning so much. I am becoming a stronger person and I am learning to dig deep down and find out what I truly want from life. I don't know if you believe any of that but it helps to remind myself of those things. I know your trust for people is gone. You have a valid reason to not trust. It will come again with time. It takes time to heal and time to find yourself again. Once you have found your closure you will begin to find ways to trust. It's great that you value yourself enough to walk away and know that you deserved to be treated better. You are a strong person. You can make it through this.
indicolite Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 well--eventually my ex was "laid" off (we work in high tech) as a technician. and she was in a shipping job and could not keep a steady job to save her life apparently! so in the end, kharma worked in my favor, teehee. i was very happy that caused them to move out of town and back home with his parents. anyway, i could not nor would i have left my job--it is a very good, career high job i have, plus i am a manager so you just don't get into the potential hr personnel issues.....it is a large company , about 1k peaple but we all happened to have worked in the same building so i would see her in the batchroom, halls, etc...though never ran into him. but saw his car all the time! so...i did wish them ill-will at the time, and in the end they got it...though that is not a good reflection upon me, i tell you i was enraged and felt vindicted!!! but i felt rightfully so. i agree with your opinion that they should have known better--but my friends scolded me, telling me that i should separate the feelings from the business (ie how one supports oneself; general how to make a living) and that he should be able to work anywhere--that i should not care. i can see their point of view--it was the best he could have made money wise, but still---what jerks!! so see, when they move on and have someone new, these sorts of things don't even come into their minds. or maybe i am wrong and he was just an evil little *ucker. ...and enjoyed the drama. it was drama i tell you--she was very young, like 20, so she had no idea of protocol and would page me all the time at work, call me at home, etc...just when she was mad at him and then she would get mad at me when i was not nice about it., then turn the tables and say "we are happy, leave us alone"---what a pyscho, i think he got exactly what he deserved!! so while i REALLY am over HIM the person, i feel angry still over the situation, if that makes sense. not him, but HOW it all came down.
lemur5555 Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 thanks both of you! very sweet replies... i don't have any regrets, i don't live life that way. but i marvel at the amount of disrespect people can dish out... i guess you just keep meeting people and develop better filters for the real jerks and eventually find someone with a good heart and intentions. i often wonder when i encounter people who have nothing but bad intentions all around, how miserable they must be in life overall. it must be painful for them to just wake up and face each morning??? i don't know. congrats on the office situation. nice to hear that story had a good ending. they sound like losers and you came out on top, keeping your job and all...your patience and strength is admirable. you obviously made all the right choices, because they are gone and you get the satisfaction of seeing what you aren't gonna miss from that relationship. ew!
statsgirl Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I was with a guy for 5 years. We work together. I knew something was wrong when he wasn't as initimate as he always was. After 2 months of this behavior, i found out he was cheating, i talked to the girl, she said she didn't know about me and wasn't going to see him anymore. After his game was uncovered, he became really cold to me, never talked to me about it, but still said he wanted to see me. He continued to be cold to me, and then went away one weekend. He would not answer my calls, and when i did get in touch with him, he kept brushing me off. All i wanted was some closure. He came back after his weekend and told me that he would like to continue seeing me, but i now have to understand that he might have friends coming to see him, and that is my problem if i don't like it. Girls call my work asking for him now. I have to see him and I have to deal with him at work. Of course I told him that i did not sign up for a deal that says i am a booty call who goes away when his whore friends come to town. My problem is i still don't have closure, I have to see and deal with him, and I still love him so much. He disrespected me so badly that i still can't believe it, girls are calling to talk to him, and he is still saying that there is no reason why we can't see each other so long as i understand that his "friends" can come see him. Is the only way to get out of this hell, and not care about it enough to find a peaceful place in my life, is seek professional help? I am single mom. I am at home every night with my son. This man was my best and only friend where i live. He was everything to me. I feel sick all the time, try to do the best by my son, but never really find joy bc the sadness and despair are so overwhelming. Please, how do you get from hell to a state of peace, anyone????? It's been almost 4 months when this hell started for me. He took away all i had to look forward to; his company when i had free time.
Author Think too much Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 statsgirl, I know how you feel. I am still in the healing process so I don't know if my advice will help but here it goes... If you are seeking closure try writing a letter or email. Express your feelings. Tell him how much he hurt you. Tell him everything you have been holding in. Tell him he never deserved you and you do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. He has broken your heart and brought down your self esteem. It takes time to heal. I remind myself daily of how terrible my ex was to me and that I deserve better. It helps. The only way to find peace again is to find in within yourself instead of looking for it in someone else. It's easier said then done but you can do it. Hang in there. PM me if you ever need to talk or vent.
statsgirl Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 think too much, thank you for your encouragement. Understanding what you are saying is not the hard part. Getting my heart in line with my head is the hard part. I have lived through a lot of adversity in my life, gained a lot of coping skills, and have accomplished a lot of great things. But...this one has got me!!! I have never had my heart ripped out before. I have never been so belittled in a such snow ball effect situation (kept getting worse and worse over time and he kept out-doing himself with each painful incident). I accept responsibility for the role of enabler that i played by not drawing the line a couple of years ago. I have no one here. I knew when i lost him, that was it!! I don't mind being alone, but i am afraid of how long i might be all by myself. It gets old after a long while. I went through it before. I like living alone, but i really enjoyed having him in my life. I caved today. I called for professional help through my health insurance. I talked to a counselor for about an hour. She agreed that talking to someone about this is long overdue bc i have endured so much over a long time with this man, and he never helped me resolve the pain he caused in the first place, and then kept taking me for granted to the point that he is literally belittling me with the concept of having his cake and eating it to by bringing this girl here. This girl is finally my crossed line. I do have self respect. I just compromised way too much to let it get to this point. Thank you for your encouragement. I want to find a place in my life where i look forward to things again. I have no doubt that i am suffering from depression. I think of that song "i will survive"..."spending oh so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, then i grew strong, and i learned how to get along....", Well, i want to sleep at night. I don't want to sleep for 3 hours and cry for the next 3 any more. This is really killing me and i can't find any resources within myself to tap into, to help to get to where i want to be. Living a peaceful, fulfilled existence, on my own, or with someone, whatever the case may be!!!! I will let you know if talking to a therapist really makes a difference if you are interested in knowing how it turns out. I am smart and resourceful and would have never thought that taking this step was for someone like me. However, there is no question that this relationship ended up being very dysfunctional, and i am too isolated to try to figure out why on my own. Again, thank you for your support. I don't remember the last time someone was so encouraging to me.
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