4 months post BU - The sadness and urges are creeping back in again

[CorridorE]

4 months post BU

3 months NC

 

I don’t know the day I started NC; I don’t keep track of the days or anything because I know some say that is unhealthy. But I do know it’s been about 3 months, and I’ve realized that I’ve been doing something much more damaging without realizing it...

 

I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately. I no longer hope he’ll call and the thought of him never crosses my mind when I receive a new text message, but I realized that instead of feeling good that I’ve successfully gotten through 3 months of no contact, I feel really awful about it… and I think it’s because although my brain knows NC is what’s best and wants to use it to heal, my heart still hopes it will bring him back. The longer NC drags on and the longer his rebound relationship lasts, the worse I feel because I still haven’t heard from him. Like maybe this new girl is real to him... maybe it's not going to end quickly like I thought it would.

 

Maybe this whole time I’ve been in denial about using NC the right way, thinking I am using it just to heal… but still remaining hopeful, thinking “1 month NC, anyday now… 2 months, anyday… 3 months…?” And now today, old urges to contact him are creeping back in, and I don’t know why. I’m not going to break NC. I just wonder when I will fully release myself from this false-hope I’ve been storing away.

 

You should know that I have been doing things for myself and have been getting myself out more. For the first month after the break up I ignored friends and canceled plans constantly to stay inside and sulk and cry, but since then I’ve been going out more, eating better, am trying to get on a regular gym schedule, going shopping and getting new clothes and styles, and even went on a date although it was very unsuccessful.

 

Also, I’ve started facing my triggers head-on to help me heal. For example - for one of me and my ex’s first dates we played laser tag together and had a lot of fun going there throughout the relationship (3 years). Since the BU the thought of laser tag has made me want to break down, but this past Friday I gathered together a group of friends to play a few rounds and now have new good memories to erase the bad ones. Also, I’ve avoided movie theatres because I hate not having his hand to hold and to snuggle up with, but recently I went to a theatre with a guy-friend to help me get over it and feel a lot better about it now. I also went to my best friend's house today and watched “our” old movie with her, and without his memory attached so tightly to it I think I can safely call it my favorite movie again.

 

I just hate feeling like my months of NC have been unsuccessful because I haven’t heard from him when I know I should be happy because he was a cheater and didn’t appreciate me. I should be happy he’s not tormenting me further by trying to creep back into my life. I guess it’s just that I still love him and I still need some more time to be over it all. Do you ever still feel that way off and on, even though it's been months of NC?

[aisuru]

It hurts because now the hope is dying.

 

Right there with you my dear.

 

This is still a turning point however. Embrace it.

[nugget_718]

I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately. I no longer hope he’ll call and the thought of him never crosses my mind when I receive a new text message, but I realized that instead of feeling good that I’ve successfully gotten through 3 months of no contact, I feel really awful about it… and I think it’s because although my brain knows NC is what’s best and wants to use it to heal, my heart still hopes it will bring him back. The longer NC drags on and the longer his rebound relationship lasts, the worse I feel because I still haven’t heard from him. Like maybe this new girl is real to him... maybe it's not going to end quickly like I thought it would.

 

It's normal to feel this way but you should not dwell too much on the hope of him coming back and imagining scenarios about his present relationship.

 

Maybe this whole time I’ve been in denial about using NC the right way, thinking I am using it just to heal… but still remaining hopeful, thinking “1 month NC, anyday now… 2 months, anyday… 3 months…?” And now today, old urges to contact him are creeping back in, and I don’t know why. I’m not going to break NC. I just wonder when I will fully release myself from this false-hope I’ve been storing away.

 

You and time can fully release you from the false hope my dear.

 

You should know that I have been doing things for myself and have been getting myself out more. For the first month after the break up I ignored friends and canceled plans constantly to stay inside and sulk and cry, but since then I’ve been going out more, eating better, am trying to get on a regular gym schedule, going shopping and getting new clothes and styles, and even went on a date although it was very unsuccessful.

 

At least now you're back to socializing. Continue to do so for distraction and to lessen your "melancholy" moments at home. As for the date, you can't expect to click with someone right away especially in the state you're in...pining for him still.

 

I just hate feeling like my months of NC have been unsuccessful because I haven’t heard from him when I know I should be happy because he was a cheater and didn’t appreciate me. I should be happy he’s not tormenting me further by trying to creep back into my life. I guess it’s just that I still love him and I still need some more time to be over it all. Do you ever still feel that way off and on, even though it's been months of NC?

 

Remember, NC is suppose to be for you...to heal, to move on, to do whatever it takes, to make yourself feel better. Stay NC and keep saying this to yourself "he was a cheater and didn’t appreciate me" over and over again.

[CorridorE]

It makes sense..

 

I hope this phase passes over soon and I can go back to NC being about me, because I know that's the way it started (when the news of him cheating was still fresh). More time and more distance I suppose.

 

And I woundn't expect to find a connection with the first new person I meet. I actually didn't even want to go, as I don't feel ready to date yet. Which is fine. But my friends thought it would be good for me and asked me to go and to keep an open mind. I did, and I was simply stating that I tried going on a date but nothing came of it even though I did have a nice time.

[mfleck91]

I have felt every emotion that you've just described. Its also been 4 months since the BU, but unlike you I have broken NC a few times. When I am on NC im hoping it brings her back which is wrong. And I also fear that her rebound relationship is becoming serious......I kept thinking that it wouldn't last this long. Before me her longest relationship was only 3 months, we blew that out of the water with 4 years. Well this other guy has hit the 4 month mark and I'm worried. Hope is dying and I don't know what to do.

[CorridorE]

I have felt every emotion that you've just described. Its also been 4 months since the BU, but unlike you I have broken NC a few times. When I am on NC im hoping it brings her back which is wrong. And I also fear that her rebound relationship is becoming serious......I kept thinking that it wouldn't last this long. Before me her longest relationship was only 3 months, we blew that out of the water with 4 years. Well this other guy has hit the 4 month mark and I'm worried. Hope is dying and I don't know what to do.

 

I know... there was a smaller gap for me, but we were together just under 3 years, whereas his longest relationship before me was 6 months off and on. I have thought the same thing... that if he and this new girl hit 7 months I don't know what I'd do. But... that's 4 months away and I'm still headed in the right direction. Hopefully I won't care or even realize when that time comes.