dljacobs4089 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 1/2 years and there is no doubt we love each other very much. When it is just her and I, we are great 90% of the time. So I am sure those that are reading this would be puzzled why I am writing this now. Well to start off, I am very family oriented person and throughout each year there are many family events that take place that would involve us going to at certain times. My family and I are people that go to church every Sunday too. So with that mentioned, she does not want to partake in any of my family events. We have had this conversation a multiple of times and each time it has primarily been about just being involved with family activities and not church because I would never force that either. So overall, she and I have talked about this issue of family involvement with her and she has clearly said that she will try harder but I must understand that she does not want to do it at all but only for me. That comment was made about 6 months ago and we are back to square one again. I love this girl very much and I know she loves me but I am really concerned that one of us or both with be very unhappy in the future if we were to pursue marriage. So my heart tells me to wait and hope she will be "ok" with being around my family and my gut tells me that she is not the one even if love is there. Any thoughts about what I should do or some type of guidance? THANK YOU
clia Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 So my heart tells me to wait and hope she will be "ok" with being around my family This isn't going to happen. You've been with her 2 1/2 years and it hasn't happened -- why do you think it will change? and my gut tells me that she is not the one even if love is there. Love doesn't conquer all. It's perfectly reasonable to be in love with someone, but to know that they aren't compatible with the life you want to live. The strength lies in being able to let go of that person to find the person who is compatible with the life that you want. A lot of unhappy marriages could be avoided if people weren't hoping and wishing that the person they loved would "change." She isn't going to change. If your family and church are important to you (and for your future children), you better think long and hard about marrying your girlfriend.
Author dljacobs4089 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Thank you for the reply and I certainly know you are correct about the circumstances. It is just hard to let go of her because I care so much about her and its difficult to imagine life without her. I am ultimately afraid that I would be making the wrong decision letting her go because there is always an exception to the rule. So I keep questioning is she the exception or the rule?
leafguy Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I would say that you need to find a compromise. My current SO isn't a huge fan of my family events because she is an only child and my family is a larger one with many relatives and siblings. Strictly because of environment, it might be overwhelming, even after 2.5 years. For me it would come down to this...is she at the MAJOR events...like if she comes to see your family for xmas, thanksgiving, your bday, etc. Some families spend more time together than others, and thats simply the way it is. Without knowing how frequent yours are, how many you expect her at, and other details, its a tough question to answer. My biggest question to you is...after 2.5 years, do you still attend all your family events and try to drag her along knowing she isn't comfortable? Does she try to skip everyone of them? Is there a compromise where she comes to some, and you skip some to be with her? I am a very family oriented individual also, but that being said, after 2.5 years, she should very likely be as big of a priority (if not bigger) than your family. Again, not knowing anything more than what you are describing, you shouldnt expect her to be at everyone, nor should she be trying to avoid them all. There should be some form of happy medium.
AMusing Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I am really concerned that one of us or both with be very unhappy in the future if we were to pursue marriage. So my heart tells me to wait and hope she will be "ok" with being around my family and my gut tells me that she is not the one even if love is there. How often do you want her to spend time with your family? Based on your wording here (& your other posts on the topic), I think you know your relationship won't work out in the long run. You are saying that you won't be happy unless your partner changes herself substantially. For whatever reason, she doesn't seem willing or able to make those changes. Does she realize how important this is to you? You can try to talk to her again and work together to come up with a concrete, explicit compromise. That is, say, "Family is such a big part of my life, and I want you to share that part of me. I need you to come to dinner with my family at least once a month, so I can feel like you're becoming part of it." That said, you have to listen to what she's comfortable doing. If you push for monthly meals, and she can only handle big holidays, you have to decide if you're ok with that. Not for now, hoping she'll change with time, but indefinitely. It sounds like you tried to have this conversation 6 months ago, though, with no change. Relationships aren't always easy, and do require compromise; however, those compromises shouldn't include changing fundamental parts of who you are.
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