Million.to.1 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I know all couples have arguments, disagreements or fights. It's perfectly normal, and my BF and I have only had a couple of "fights" There is alot of pressures in our still young relationship, it was LD and he has moved across the world to be here with me, which is challenging for us both in a myriad of ways. We are 4 months in and living together since day dot. We are generally blissfully happy and very much in love. Although, we have a communication break-down when frustrations arise and I really want to bite it in the ass before it becomes a pattern. Last night we had a fight over ... I don't even know what. I was tired and he had been at band practice (a few beers too) I picked him up, and he was in really good mood, very affectionate and talking about how happy he was and how good we were and was constantly getting sexual. My responses clearly weren't satisfactory to him as he kept questioning why I wasn't reacting differently. "you don't really believe it yet, do you?" "I'm yours baby! You get it?" It was really sweet, but I don't know what he wanted me to do or say to PROVE I was right there with him, feeling the same. I needed a shower so I stopped him from taking me up against the fridge, but he then questioned why i hadn't showered earlier... "you knew I'd want to have sex with you, why didn't you before?" Fast forward to in bed post shower.. I was actually really tired, and would of just liked a cuddle and a sleep, but we had had a crazy night of sex the night before and he never came after stopping himself several times during, so i knew he want.... some relief. He asked me to do something while i was down there, and I didn't hear him.. so i said, " Sorry what was that?" - but my tone must of reflected my tiredness and my slight lack of entusiasm... he said "Geez, just do whatever you want then" So i backed off from him and turned away.. He said "I'm not going to buy into your drama" 'you just don't think you deserve happiness so have to ****ing sabotage everything don't you!" I'm silent.. He hates it when i ignore him and don't talk.... he threw the duvet off us both and said "what the **** is going on right now?!" Crazy escalation!... So went he gets frustrated like this and starts swearing and raising his voice, I completely shut down. I just want to get away from him. We have a flatmate who would of heard all of this and I just couldn't stop thinking about her hearing it and trying to get him to keep his voice down. He swears alot, talks over me and slams doors etc when he is frustrated with me. He hates that i want to leave the room, sleep on the couch, whatever. He says i should just slap him in the face. He ended up saying "don't be here tomorrow" (his day off) So I am cold and silent, and he is loud and explosive. What i do winds him up even more and I can't deal with him when he gets like that. It feels like a stalemate. I have trouble saying I'm sorry and admitting I am wrong when I am (not that i feel i was wrong in this situation, just generally) ...i need time to think, cool off and reflect on what's happened. He hates me walking away, things being drawn out and us sleeping separately... but I can't sleep with someone who is all ragey at me. This has only happened 3 times, but it needs to stop now. Please!....... any suggestions on how we can stop things escalating to this ridiculous point? .
Els Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I hate to say this, Million, but THIS degree of argument occurring 3 times in the first 4 months is slightly... worrisome, don't you think? I understand that him moving for you, etc, would perpetuate a different situation from the normal honeymoon stage, and cause more issues, but still, this is a pretty huge argument over... not much? Does your bf have anger issues in general? Not just with you, but has he burst out at work, with friends etc? Has he considered that he has a problem with it, does he want to change? I think there are many ways in which you both could communicate better; you could work on simply telling him, "Please, this is getting out of hand. Let's each go get some fresh air and see each other in a couple hours when we've calmed down" or something, instead of point-blank ignoring. He could definitely work on not throwing a ****storm over literally nothing. But in this case, the sheer degree and quick escalation of his anger over a minor issue worries me greatly, so I'm not sure it's even worth doing that. I would not personally feel safe with a man like that, because it seems like just a hair's breadth between what he's doing and physical violence, and how do you know he won't tip over that fine edge one day?
crownofthorns Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Two things you mentioned caught my eye: -The fact that he had had band practice and had a few beers in him. -The fact that you had spent the night before having sex for a long time and yet he hadn't come. Have you ever considered he might have a drinking problem or be using drugs? Speaking from experience (my ex was a coke addict) the sudden outbursts of love and then hate when whims are not satisfied coincide perfectly with that of an addict. The unability to come in sex as well. And I've played in bands for 18 years and I know these things are common in that scene. I hope you don't get offended, because I don't mean to offend you, just wondering because I've been in situations EXACTLY like yours before, and they were usually linked to drinking and drugs. Not saying this is necesarily the case, but just advising you could open up to these possibilities... as hurtful as they sound. 1
jf2good Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I know all couples have arguments, disagreements or fights. It's perfectly normal, and my BF and I have only had a couple of "fights" .... Please!....... any suggestions on how we can stop things escalating to this ridiculous point? Break Up. I know that is what you don't want to hear, but it will fix the issue before it gets worse or you get married or PG and then find out it can't be fixed, because he is what he is and you can't fix him.
Author Million.to.1 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 . Gee, sometimes I really wish I could just delete a thread. I wrote this right after it happened.. and reading it back, it makes him sound like such an *******, and he's not. We sorted this out calmly in the morning and things have been absolutely fine since. (back to honeymoon time) I hate to say this, Million, but THIS degree of argument occurring 3 times in the first 4 months is slightly... worrisome, don't you think? I understand that him moving for you, etc, would perpetuate a different situation from the normal honeymoon stage, and cause more issues, but still, this is a pretty huge argument over... not much? Does your bf have anger issues in general? Not just with you, but has he burst out at work, with friends etc? Has he considered that he has a problem with it, does he want to change? I think there are many ways in which you both could communicate better; you could work on simply telling him, "Please, this is getting out of hand. Let's each go get some fresh air and see each other in a couple hours when we've calmed down" or something, instead of point-blank ignoring. He could definitely work on not throwing a ****storm over literally nothing. But in this case, the sheer degree and quick escalation of his anger over a minor issue worries me greatly, so I'm not sure it's even worth doing that. I would not personally feel safe with a man like that, because it seems like just a hair's breadth between what he's doing and physical violence, and how do you know he won't tip over that fine edge one day? Thanks Elswyth.. Yes i agree that his level of anger is something he needs to work on and my shutting down and ignoring is something i need to stop doing, because those 2 things are essentially the issue. We have reached a compromise with this, having some "time out" when communication starts to degrade like this. It's so very hard to explain on LS all the little things that justify this blow-out, but when we are both calm, we really do both connect, listen and work through things well. And there is no way it would ever resort to Physical violence... no way. He's just not like that. Two things you mentioned caught my eye: -The fact that he had had band practice and had a few beers in him. -The fact that you had spent the night before having sex for a long time and yet he hadn't come. Have you ever considered he might have a drinking problem or be using drugs? Speaking from experience (my ex was a coke addict) the sudden outbursts of love and then hate when whims are not satisfied coincide perfectly with that of an addict. The unability to come in sex as well. And I've played in bands for 18 years and I know these things are common in that scene. I hope you don't get offended, because I don't mean to offend you, just wondering because I've been in situations EXACTLY like yours before, and they were usually linked to drinking and drugs. Not saying this is necesarily the case, but just advising you could open up to these possibilities... as hurtful as they sound. Thanks, that's good insight, but Drugs are definitely not the issue here. He had had a bit more to drink than what i'd thought, but that's not a common/ regular thing either. I have quite a colourful background myself (more so than my BF) and am well aware of the tell tale signs of drug use. We also live in NZ where cocaine is $450.00 a gram if you can even find it, so there is just no way. He does enjoy sex alot though and does get a bit cranky when it's been more than a day or 2 without any. Break Up. I know that is what you don't want to hear, but it will fix the issue before it gets worse or you get married or PG and then find out it can't be fixed, because he is what he is and you can't fix him. I think it's a real shame that you feel like this. So very negative. People can "fix" issues. Especially when the issue is a communication breakdown and both people want to fix it, which we do, and are going to. I'll fix my issue, and he can fix his. We can't fix each others, but we can work on our own things and strive to be better humans. I remember you from a previous thread of mine.. similar advice. Give-up, quit, it won't be worth it. I'm really sorry about whatever might have happened in your relationships that has made you see things in such a bleak way. I hope you find love again and remember all the joy and happiness it can bring to life. No, it's not always easy, but it is worth fighting for. .
spiderowl Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 It did seem abusive from what you described, even though he managed to persuade you otherwise the following day. Your being quiet should not inspire him to further rage. Shutting down when under attack is a natural, instinctive, protection mechanism. It sounds like you are fearful and don't know what to do at the time. It is not your fault he is abusive. I agree with other posters than drink might have made this worse. If this is the case, he is likely to do it again when drunk. If you allow him to treat you like this without consequences (i.e. you walking out), it will keep happening. He doesn't control himself but blames you for HIS behaviour.
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