Porridge Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 The short introduction - the wife and I have been together for nine years, except for a nine months separation four years ago. A few weeks ago the wife went quiet for a while and eventually came clean, saying that she no longer had feelings for me and felt that we should plan to go our separate ways. Other information - well I was made redundant last year and have spent much of my time in self employment. This sees that i've been around the house a lot whilst the wife took up a job as a carer. This generally changed the dynamics and day-to-day running of the household. We have two children who take up all of our time and tend to spend most evenings doing things separately and barely talking. When the wife first explained her feelings, I spent the night in a state of dread and anxiety, hardly sleeping at all. The previous separation and the months of pain starting coming back and I truly feared that one of the most horrible periods in my life was about to return. But then something happened. I realised that i'd changed a lot since that person who was pining for her four years ago. In the last year, i've found some passions which have been missing for years. I love to work out at the gym, I love to work on my business, I love to take my kids out, I love to see my friends every now and again. And here's what I realised - the wife has always carried a great deal of emotional baggage. She had been identified as having BPD in the past and has done several silly things over the years we've been together. Those aside though, she generally uses emotional guilt as a way of controlling situations, and the more I looked at this from an outside perspective, the more positive I felt about us separating. And here I sit today. She is planning to move out. The kids - now that part is going to kill me, but they will be close by and I can see them frequently. Sure, I could argue that they should stay with me but in truth, i'm happy to work on building a secure future for them whilst seeing them for two or three days per week. But more to the point is my emotions. I'm not grieving, i'm not begging, bartering, asking questions, nothing. I just sit here thinking, "I have lived in your manipulative bubble for nine years. I've picked you out of the gutter on several occasions, i've been there for you through some of the most traumatic periods of your life. And what do you do? The moment I find an interest in things that fulfills me, you pull away and say that I need to do it alone? Well that's fine, just go. I really don't need somebody so unsupportive, selfish, and emotionally unstable". By the way, the wife has admitted that my interests have bothered her. I lost 18 lbs through working out. I wanted to keep a healthy body and mind after being made redundant and keep a positive attitude. Apart from doing this, nothing else changed. But what did the wife do? She complained that i'd spent time on myself and not on her. I often take the kids out and play with them. This also got me a ticking off (would you believe it?). She illustrated a mental diagram - a circle in which me and the kids lived whilst she allegedly felt outside of it. When she's invited to come out? She always says no and makes excuses about cooking, cleaning etc. I worked on a business to give her and the children a better future. What reaction did this get? Well actually, she has become progressively more bitter, showing very little interest and again claiming that this has become more important than her. The above circumstances are completely untrue. They are merely a disturbed viewpoint of a woman that has always been on the pedestal, lapping up the attention. To be jealous of the children? Words fail me. So again, she's leaving. And I don't care. I went out with friends last Saturday, and they said I appeared more happy and liberated than I have in ten years. I feel alive. Is she having an affair? I don't think she is but I don't even care by the thought that she could be. Her entire attitude as disappointed me to the point where I don't want someone like that in my life. And that's where the confusion lies. Surely separating can't be this easy. Four years ago, i'd have been climbing the walls trying to talk to her and make her see sense. That's why I don't get where I am now - indifferent, excited, positive about the future, hardly any negative vibe whatsoever. Is this some sort of denial phase, or could I genuinely have reached a point where i'm ready to move on without a care or a fight?
Deerhunter Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Been there! My wife and I divorced in 1994 just a couple weeks shy of our 7th anniversary. We reconciled and split again this past December. She also has bipolar, ptsd and is an alcoholic. I'm sure everything bad that ever went wrong in your marriage is your fault according to her. She will never be happy with you or anyone without proper treatment and meds and that's not even a guarentee. Continue to do what you're doing. Good luck. Don't be surprised if she tries to come back. Most people with bipolar and borderline personality disorder usually do. 1
WreckedDan Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Wow, I would pay anything to feel the indifference you're feeling. Enjoy it while it lasts and if you can stick with it, more power to you! Dan
GuyInLimbo Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Good for you. It seems you somehow detached yourself from her emotionally, having an epiphany along the way. This is a good thing for everyone. I think it will lead to less conflict as you guys split up.
Author Porridge Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Had to laugh at Deerhunter's post. Yes, everything has to have a 'fault'. Things can never just happen, there is always a blame and there is always a seismic effort to ensure that the blame is mine and not hers. That said, she has got better over the years but tends to have these 'flare-ups' where irrationality suddenly prevails again. Interesting that you divorced then got back together, i've never heard of anyone doing that before. WreckedDan: Here's the secret, you need to value yourself. Much of the fear and helplessness that you feel (I was in that position four years ago with the same woman, but we eventually reconciled) is because you think that you're doomed to be alone, that you're rejected, that you won't meet anyone else, that she's the only person that understands and accepts you etc etc. All complete trash that is fogging your mind to the true facts - you can be as good a person as you want to be and you can be happier than you've ever been before. It's all about finding your energy and inner passion, to fulfil your life and have a purpose. It doesn't have to be love, my passion at the moment is my children and work, and i'm happy with that. I really don't want another relationship for a while. Trust me, you'll get this with time but it'll come quicker if you're positive about yourself. GuyinLimbo: Really coincidental what you said there. I was asked to sum my mood up last week in one word, and I took a screenshot of the word 'epiphany' and it's meaning from an online dictionary. You're absolutely right, love can lead you into some seriously distorted views and beliefs about your partner, but once you start to surface out of it you realise the beauty of life and that it isn't in the hands of one person. I guess I can understand why some people prefer to stay single but that said, love is a great thing if you can find it with the right person.
WreckedDan Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I'm getting value back slowly, but the confusion for me is my wife left me to start a life on her own. She lives in a crap place that she doesn't like, tells me she hates it, loves me, likes me, finds me attractive, misses our home, dogs, everything... but doesn't want to be with me... this confusion is what's holding me back. My daughter called me last night to come pick her up from her mother's house bawling because she didn't like mommy's place... Lot of pain and tears today, glad you are handling this well, Dan
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