ottoline Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My ex (my first love and first boyfriend) broke it off with me because he didn't think that I loved him as much as he loved me. I was taking him for granted a little bit. He is older (33) and I am only 23 and I was just in a very confusing period in my life (post-college) and I was scared about the future, so sometimes I was having doubts about whether my first love would be my last love. But I know now I was wrong. He keeps saying that all I had to tell him was that I just wanted to be with him forever, only him. I couldn't do that for some reason. But now that's how I feel. But he's seeing someone else now. If I want him back, should I really try to do the NC thing? I haven't been very successful at it so far. Shouldn't I just try to let him know how much I love him by sending him letters and telling him how I feel, since he broke up with me because he thought he loved me more? He told me he loves his new girlfriend but loves me more. I really want him back but don't know of the best route. When I tell him how much I love him he tells me that he loves me too but doesn't know if it's smart to be in a relationship with me because I didn't treat him well. Do you think it's a good idea to try to show him how I would treat him well if he took me back? Or is NC always the answer?
aisuru Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think you need to accept that this relationship is over. He moved on. For whatever reason, you weren't where you needed to be to be in a relationship with him. It happens sometimes. It just happened to me. Do not contact him. He will continue to reject you and you will continue to feel worse and regretful. Take this opportunity as a personal growth experience. You're young and have plenty of time to discover yourself. Soooo much will change and evolve for you over the next 5 and 10 years. You were right to not say you would be with him forever and ever. You intuitively knew it so you didn't say it. That's okay. Accept the good things from the relationship, what you learned, and move on. It will all be worth it in the end and one day you'll see how this was just a stepping stone to something greater within yourself.
Treasa Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 He keeps saying that all I had to tell him was that I just wanted to be with him forever, only him. I couldn't do that for some reason. But now that's how I feel. But he's seeing someone else now. You feel like that now because you no longer have him and you're in a desperate situation. He sounds really controlling and/or mentally unstable. I'm really glad you're out of that relationship.
Sneaky Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Honestly, he does not sound like a good person to me. You are probably better off. "He told me he loves his new girlfriend but loves me more." Saying something like this is just unacceptable in every way. It is disrespectful to you and to the person he is now together with.
Author ottoline Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. I just don't know what to do. I guess a lot of people are in the same situation but he was really my soulmate. And I always knew that, but I always thought he would be there, so I kind of took him for granted because he said he'd never leave me. Now I'm so devastated and it's all my fault. I can't stop thinking about him and I just really wish I could find a way to get him back. He loved me so very very much at one point and I don't understand how he can move on so quickly. It has affected every area of my life -- I can't function at work or have fun in social situations or do anything but sob and call him. I don't see this ever getting better and I'm spending a ton of money on therapy and I still feel absolutely miserable all the time. I wish I could be mad at him but I just hate myself for it.
Author ottoline Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I just feel like I made such a horrible mistake because I broke up with him first...he had problems with addiction that he had been lying to me about for 8 months and it seemed like such a betrayal. But maybe I should've been there for him, you know? After that, I couldn't make it stick and quickly just started seeing him again. Everything was the same except we weren't 'officially' back together because I was just scared about what the future would be like. I was uncertain and my parents didn't approve. He kept asking me to be exclusive and for us to be 'official' and I couldn't do it. But I loved him and couldn't leave him for real and I thought for sure he would never ever want to leave me. And I am sure we would've gotten back together 'officially' soon. Sometimes he's so cold and sometimes he's just telling me how much he loves me and never wanted to let me go and how he thinks maybe we'll still end up together. I've gone absolutely insane and I feel like my life is in shambles and they seem so happy together. And it's all my fault! I feel like I was being a snob or something by not wanting to be 'official' again. He had addiction problems and he didn't really have his life together but now that he's gone that doesn't matter at all to me...love should be enough to combat those problems and now I lost the most precious love in the world.
umirano Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 He sounds really controlling and/or mentally unstable. I'm really glad you're out of that relationship. That's a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know anything about him except that he wanted her to commit and that he now loves his new girlfriend but less than the OP. Does anyone know how to meter love? Love is a continuum, not a binary (i.e. on/off) thing. Dropping things like "mentally unstable" on total strangers based on so little information isn't very considerate, nor mature, nor helping the person seeking advice. OP, when you say you weren't "very successful at keeping NC" you probably meant you were stalking him? Don't do that. If he really loves you more than the other girl, and knows he has a chance with you still, then you should just back off and give him space until he has made up his mind and comes back. Pestering him with calls / messages / e-mails wont help your cause. I'm fairly certain he knows you still feel him and would take him back. Just give it time and use that time to mature yourself and become a wiser person. Even if he does not come back, those investments in yourself will pay off. Good luck! 2
umirano Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Sometimes he's so cold and sometimes he's just telling me how much he loves me and never wanted to let me go and how he thinks maybe we'll still end up together. I've gone absolutely insane and I feel like my life is in shambles and they seem so happy together. And it's all my fault! I feel like I was being a snob or something by not wanting to be 'official' again. He had addiction problems and he didn't really have his life together but now that he's gone that doesn't matter at all to me...love should be enough to combat those problems and now I lost the most precious love in the world. By going no contact you can a) heal (which he knows and will force him to come clean to you, if he means anything by his words) b) put the ball in his yard It's a very clever thing to do. Not all is lost, if there's any truth to his words. It's not all your fault. Stop beating up yourself over it. You made a decision to your abilities at this point. Now you know more. Don't judge yourself in the past with today's knowledge. And really think about dating / being in a relationship with addicts. It's a very tough road. Maybe in your emotions you refuse to see this, but it can be very draining. And some people never really get off their drug... So think about this carefully. 4
Author ottoline Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I guess that's what I was worried about -- being in a relationship with an addict is very hard and I was very scared. But he's been sober now for over 2 years and shows no signs of relapsing. It's horrible to say but I think I would feel better if I thought that he would still be struggling with his addiction. I think it's over but only his new girl is going to get to experience a relationship with him as a sober person. I'm just so heartbroken, you guys. I'm so miserable and I lost the love of my life. This was just such a shock to me; I thought he would always be there. 2 days before he broke up with me he was texting me about how I was the love of his life and he loved being my boyfriend. How could he change so fast? I just talked to him again last night and it seems like he just keeps getting firmer that he wants a relationship with this new girl and it's hurting me so much. Before he was telling me that he couldn't resist me and that I was better than her (which is disrespectful to both of us but it was still nice to hear.) NC just seems unbearable though.
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