aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My ex and I broke up four days ago for the 6-7th time after I had to audacity to tell her i was tiring of her bitchy, snippy moods towards me. We had been in couples therapy and the therapist told me to hold her accountable when she demonstrates poor behavior. She called it "harsh start up". My ex agreed to be receptive to this as well as she knew she has a temper/control/anger issues. So much for her commitment. It really mad her angry (she's a type A) and she went down the road of all our problems, blah, blah, blah.. I could see she had worked herself up and I simply said. "What do you want to do" and she said she was "done". I immediately left and went home. Ok.. so, I left her make the "final" decision and am now the dumpee. I'm in my 40's and realized I'd never been dumped before from a longer term relationship. Her and I went 14 months w/periods of breakups. Everyone who's been dumped feels so down about the rejection. I'm honestly thinking I'm glad to NOT have the pressure of ending that relationship. I've been the dumper all my life and usually didn't think much of it. I was done with a relationship and told the girl it was over. I always did this in a caring, mature way. SO, what's your choice? I know many will say "I don't want to every be dumped" but what say you?
TaraMaiden Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I'd rather be the one to walk from a toxic relationship. It's always best to not let it ever get that far, of course..... 6th or 7th time, huh? Wow.....
Sneaky Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I can't imagine why anyone would prefer to be the dumpee. Except maybe if you were just beaten to the punch or something and feel like you got a way out.
candie13 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Ok.. so, I left her make the "final" decision and am now the dumpee. I'm in my 40's and realized I'd never been dumped before from a longer term relationship. Her and I went 14 months w/periods of breakups. Everyone who's been dumped feels so down about the rejection. I'm honestly thinking I'm glad to NOT have the pressure of ending that relationship. I've been the dumper all my life and usually didn't think much of it. I was done with a relationship and told the girl it was over. I always did this in a caring, mature way. SO, what's your choice? I know many will say "I don't want to every be dumped" but what say you? you are not the dumpee , you simply were tired and took the first opportunity to take the way out. Maybe because you are tired to be the dumper. He or she who ends a relationship is the ultimate judge. He or she evaluated the relationship, the pros and the cons and took a decision. Then took action. It is a lot of work, because, if done properly and with consideration, it takes a lot of effort: not just making the decision - because, if the relationship isn't going well, both partners know it. It's about making the effort to decide when you've had enough, when to stop trying to fix things, being convinced about that and living with the doubts, with the what if's... what if I tried harder, what if I had waited longer, what if he or she changed or learnt to accept me the way I am... It may seem easy - deciding you want out, but, if done properly, it's not. Plus, having to care for the dumpee's feelings and giving the news in a non-agressive, non-hurtful way... that's hard. It is tiring to be the mature person, the one doing all the thinking, all the deciding. It is hard to be in control, all the time. I think the key to your question is not about being easy to be the dumpee or the dumper, but about how that relationship is right now, if there are genuine feelings still, despite how wrong things go. If there are strong feelings involved, being the dumper or the dumpee is hell on earth, there is no better choice. Maybe being the dumpee is worse, because you have no decision power over the relationship. however, if the feelings faded away, deciding to remove yourself from a relationship... yeah, I see your point, being the dumpee is easier.
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 If I was forced to choose, I would pick being the dumpee. I can talk as much smack about my ex as I want and everyone just nods. Plus, I get way more sympathy and people are always very encouraging and congratulatory if I do anything positive. It's kind of nice sometimes. 1
Author aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I'd rather be the one to walk from a toxic relationship. It's always best to not let it ever get that far, of course..... 6th or 7th time, huh? Wow..... I think toxic is a bit strong. The core issue at hand was my ex has issues with her life/temper/view points/relationship skills, etc.. While it's true we broke up 6-7 times, most of them were caused by her temper or mood swings. She'd get pissed and say "this isn't going to work or isn't working" and break up with me. Most break ups were just a few days with one 30 day break and a couple 14 day breaks. Her therapist told her she "zero tolerances" people when she get upset w/them. It's hard to explain but she's a big time Type A who gets pissed/frustrated with people very quickly. She also runs people down who've "annoyed" her or got on her nerves. She'll admit her issues when she's calm and always say "I'm know I'm not easy to get along with". She kept promising me she would change and address/correct her issues. The last time I agreed to try again after not talking for 10 days was under the condition she'd go to therapy and we'd go to therapy together as a couple. We did this but she just wasn't able/willing to change. Our last couple therapy she quit on in the middle of it. She was telling the therapist what she was frustrated with and the therapist basically said she was wrong on how she was viewing things. She then told the therapist that she knows she has issues and that she's selfish, over opinionated, moody, angry, etc.. She then said she wanted to go home and we left half way through the session. She doesn't handle stress well while raising her two kids and working full time. She get's overwhelmed and stressed out and is "tired" all the time at night. This is when shes has no patience, is quick to snap and gets pissed at any trivial thing while in general, she's just a ***ch. Wow.. just re-reading this makes me wonder why I stayed in it as long as I did. I know why, I did really love the nice version of her and these past couple of months I haven't been working so she was a nice distraction for spending so much time alone. The old version of me from even 10 years ago would have told her to drop dead a long time ago. Clearly, I need to get a job and then start finding someone who is much more stable than she was..
flitzanu Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I think toxic is a bit strong. The core issue at hand was my ex has issues with her life/temper/view points/relationship skills, etc.. While it's true we broke up 6-7 times, most of them were caused by her temper or mood swings. She'd get pissed and say "this isn't going to work or isn't working" and break up with me. Most break ups were just a few days with one 30 day break and a couple 14 day breaks. Her therapist told her she "zero tolerances" people when she get upset w/them. It's hard to explain but she's a big time Type A who gets pissed/frustrated with people very quickly. She also runs people down who've "annoyed" her or got on her nerves. She'll admit her issues when she's calm and always say "I'm know I'm not easy to get along with". She kept promising me she would change and address/correct her issues. The last time I agreed to try again after not talking for 10 days was under the condition she'd go to therapy and we'd go to therapy together as a couple. We did this but she just wasn't able/willing to change. Our last couple therapy she quit on in the middle of it. She was telling the therapist what she was frustrated with and the therapist basically said she was wrong on how she was viewing things. She then told the therapist that she knows she has issues and that she's selfish, over opinionated, moody, angry, etc.. She then said she wanted to go home and we left half way through the session. She doesn't handle stress well while raising her two kids and working full time. She get's overwhelmed and stressed out and is "tired" all the time at night. This is when shes has no patience, is quick to snap and gets pissed at any trivial thing while in general, she's just a ***ch. Wow.. just re-reading this makes me wonder why I stayed in it as long as I did. I know why, I did really love the nice version of her and these past couple of months I haven't been working so she was a nice distraction for spending so much time alone. The old version of me from even 10 years ago would have told her to drop dead a long time ago. Clearly, I need to get a job and then start finding someone who is much more stable than she was.. i'm glad you took notice when re-reading this, because i was going to say "wow, he is really thorough at making excuses for her and enabling her behavior".
Author aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 i'm glad you took notice when re-reading this, because i was going to say "wow, he is really thorough at making excuses for her and enabling her behavior". That's too funny. My Mom always said the same thing about me making excuses for her poor behavior. To be frank, my Mom laid into me more than once when I'd give her another chance after a break up. She wondered WTH was wrong with me that I'd go back for more abuse. She also bluntly stated that I must have some serious self image issues. I don't know.. I had some dates during a couple of our break ups to try and get away from her. It's not hard for me to get dates but is to get "quality dates". Sadly, while I had fun while on the dates, I didn't find the same connection that I did w/her. I'm quite sure this is why I (and most others) go back to dysfunctional relationships. I'm also quite lazy and it's easier to go back to the familiar than all the work that dating can be. I'm also 5 years after my divorce and she was my first real love since the ending of my marriage. I'm sure that played into as well. The challenge for me is to heal as quickly as possible. The first week after a break up sucks. Lots of anxiety, depression, insomnia. You'd think I'd be a pro after so many break ups w/her. lol
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Why do you have to ask? They both suck. Ideally, I would like to find the right person that I can be happy with for as long as possible. And, once again; of course being dumped is normally worse, because often the dumpee does not WANT to end the relationship, and the dumper DOES. Although it can be just as hard being the person who dumps them! Some people are in love, for instance, yet cannot be together. My ex felt just as bad as I did when he left me the last time. I left him before but he sucked me back in... Where as this time, I feel worse than when I left him, because I am powerless (to get him back). I refuse to try to get someone to be with me if they do not want it badly enough.
TaraMaiden Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 .... Wow.. just re-reading this makes me wonder why I stayed in it as long as I did. I know why, I did really love the nice version of her and these past couple of months I haven't been working so she was a nice distraction for spending so much time alone. The old version of me from even 10 years ago would have told her to drop dead a long time ago. Clearly, I need to get a job and then start finding someone who is much more stable than she was.. Hence, my "wow".....
robaday Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It doesnt make much difference, either way its over. Yeah being dumped can hurt, but still - you want to be with someone who wants to be with you, so just like one person might not like fish and rejects it for pasta, so someone might not like what you bring to the table.....its life, either way it stings but puts you one step closer to the right path, or at least the one you are destined for. Breaking up with my ex was the hardest thing Ive ever done, but have never had so much disrespect from someone in my life - it was apparent that nothing I did would ever gain her respect back so walking was the easiest option...self esteem suffered, health suffered and to be honest had always expected people to be fundamentally nice until I met her......but its learning process and you know one day Ill be glad of it. And so will you. 1
flitzanu Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 That's too funny. My Mom always said the same thing about me making excuses for her poor behavior. To be frank, my Mom laid into me more than once when I'd give her another chance after a break up. She wondered WTH was wrong with me that I'd go back for more abuse. She also bluntly stated that I must have some serious self image issues. I don't know.. I had some dates during a couple of our break ups to try and get away from her. It's not hard for me to get dates but is to get "quality dates". Sadly, while I had fun while on the dates, I didn't find the same connection that I did w/her. I'm quite sure this is why I (and most others) go back to dysfunctional relationships. I'm also quite lazy and it's easier to go back to the familiar than all the work that dating can be. I'm also 5 years after my divorce and she was my first real love since the ending of my marriage. I'm sure that played into as well. The challenge for me is to heal as quickly as possible. The first week after a break up sucks. Lots of anxiety, depression, insomnia. You'd think I'd be a pro after so many break ups w/her. lol oh trust me, i know, my exes weren't just downright horrible, but in my eyes they were totally the worst people to exist. but...yes...there's still that part that wants the emotional high of mood swings and a bit of female craziness. i guess the girls get that too with all the male douchebaggery. if "normal" wasn't always so boring we'd probably all be a lot happier.
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